what am i doing?

[Melodic]

Alright. So there's this guy at work. He's pretty funny.. nice.. all a girl could dream right. He also has a girlfriend. A girlfriend he's been with for almost 2 years.

Anyways, he seemed pretty friendly and I thought "hey I kinda like him" so I looked him up on Facebook and realized he had a girlfriend. After much thought, I decided "hey maybe he just wants to be friends? that's cool."

About a few weeks ago, something changed. Every time I see him, he's constantly flirting with me and complimenting me. So yeah.. he's interested in me.

Buthehasagirlfriend

Now. Is it bad for me to continue letting him flirt with me with strong hope that maybe he's just a nice guy who actually genuinely likes me and is waiting for the right time to end it with his girlfriend? Does that even happen?
Or am I basically dealing with yet another guy who thinks through his sexual hotspot?

And I mean, we work together. What am I even doing?

I like this guy but is this even worth it?

[ethan-s]

Just ask him if he has a gf already in the course of casual conversation. That shoul get the brain thinking about what he's doing...

[ClaraWho]

I like the above idea, maybe suggest you hang out with her sometime or talk about guys you have a crush on (could even invent one).

'Waiting for the right time to end it with his current girlfriend'

That line is only used by players or in the rare circumstance that their partners parents have just died (or something that extreme) that month. The 'right time' is when you start considering the possibility of being with someone else, and indeed flirting.

It's important to note that guys/girls who are willing to flirt whilst in a relationship, will do the exact same with others should you become the girlfriend. Clearly commitment and loyalty in a relationship are not qualities they possess/want.

I'd remind him he has a girlfriend when he flirts, don't flirt back and encourage cheating (don't be THAT girl), and make the relationship a friendship/professional again.

~ Clara

[Uniquemind]

I like the above idea, maybe suggest you hang out with her sometime or talk about guys you have a crush on (could even invent one).

'Waiting for the right time to end it with his current girlfriend'

That line is only used by players or in the rare circumstance that their partners parents have just died (or something that extreme) that month. The 'right time' is when you start considering the possibility of being with someone else, and indeed flirting.

It's important to note that guys/girls who are willing to flirt whilst in a relationship, will do the exact same with others should you become the girlfriend. Clearly commitment and loyalty in a relationship are not qualities they possess/want.

I'd remind him he has a girlfriend when he flirts, don't flirt back and encourage cheating (don't be THAT girl), and make the relationship a friendship/professional again.

~ Clara

Even that's debatable though, once a cheater always a cheater does not always ring true.

For instance if the relationship is going sour, many people don't jump ship until a new vessel arrives.

Sometimes the new ship is more stable than the old one and problems don't occur.

My aunt left her husband for a new guy, and to be fair the ex-husband (uncle to me) was neurotic at times. Does that mean my aunt was the cheating type? Probably toward the end of the marriage, sure, but she's not the type to cheat if the relationship were solid to begin with.

[Microcosm]

Melodic,

Is his Facebook up-to-date? It's possible that it was an account he hasn't been on in a while and he only had a girlfriend.

But uhmmm

If he really does have a girlfriend and he's flirting with you, that just says something about how reliable he'd be as a life partner; in which case I'd definitely say be skeptical about this guy.

[Muddy Sneakers]

Why don't you just ask him? I wouldn't mind if a girl asked me. But I also wouldn't be the kind of guy who flirts with other girls at work if I really DID have a GF.

[Melodic]

ethan-s I've been thinking of doing that and that might be the only thing I can really do since it's 50/50 what his motives are.

CiaraWho and Uniquemind, you both have good points and I'm still thinking this through. But I did want to mention real quick that I haven't been flirting with him.

Microcosm,

He hasn't updated his facebook account since August but I overheard some coworkers talking about him and his girlfriend arguing about a month ago.


Trust me, I'm extremely skeptical of this or else I wouldn't be posting.
Muddy Sneakers, I guess I was waiting to see if he did anything besides flirt before I said anything. But.. he's taken the flirting pretty far so I really have to ask him now.

[Uniquemind]

ethan-s I've been thinking of doing that and that might be the only thing I can really do since it's 50/50 what his motives are.

CiaraWho and Uniquemind, you both have good points and I'm still thinking this through. But I did want to mention real quick that I haven't been flirting with him.

Microcosm,

He hasn't updated his facebook account since August but I overheard some coworkers talking about him and his girlfriend arguing about a month ago.


Trust me, I'm extremely skeptical of this or else I wouldn't be posting.
Muddy Sneakers, I guess I was waiting to see if he did anything besides flirt before I said anything. But.. he's taken the flirting pretty far so I really have to ask him now.

That or give him an ultimatum of where your lines stand as well as boundaries of how such a relationship is gonna affect the workplace.

Like can both parties commit to no emotional overflow from private life into the workplace? What is the HR department's policy of dating coworkers?

There are many things to think about and process before you confront him with terms.

At worst, if you're okay with it, you could treat each other as a fling, just to scratch that itch and see once scratched where you emotionally stand together and Individually. (Albeit protection and std checks from clinics and doctors: be safe!)

There's a lot of advice here each suited for different pathways of choice.

Keep us posted or PM if you need more advice.

[jamie_n5]

Well it's hard to say what is in his mind. He might just be thinking with his little head and want to get in your pants. He could be genuine too though. Maybe things are not going so well with his GF. The best way I see is talk to him and ask him if he is interested in you. If he says yes then ask him about his GF and say that you don't want to put yourself in between a couples relationship. If you talk tp him at least you will know what is on his mind.

[Melodic]

UPDATE::

I don't think he wants to just get in my pants. It's been almost a month now, I feel like if that was his intentions It would've been a little bit more obvious and more rushed.

I do plan on talking to him. However, I may have changed my mind on talking to him right now. I just realized he isn't doing anything other than flirting because he's nervous. Yesterday, I talked to him and this is how our conversation went.

Him: What department does this item go in?
Me: Let me think a second.. Department 17.
Him: You're so smart! I could just ki-give you a CHRISTMAS present!
Me: *gives him a weird look*
Him: Uh do you want a christmas present?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Him: *laughs and walks off*

(yes we are both seriously so awkward :lol:)

So. He doesn't want to rush things which is a good sign right?

I don't know. Am I just hoping for the best situation because I like him?

[Uniquemind]

UPDATE::

I don't think he wants to just get in my pants. It's been almost a month now, I feel like if that was his intentions It would've been a little bit more obvious and more rushed.

I do plan on talking to him. However, I may have changed my mind on talking to him right now. I just realized he isn't doing anything other than flirting because he's nervous. Yesterday, I talked to him and this is how our conversation went.

Him: What department does this item go in?
Me: Let me think a second.. Department 17.
Him: You're so smart! I could just ki-give you a CHRISTMAS present!
Me: *gives him a weird look*
Him: Uh do you want a christmas present?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Him: *laughs and walks off*

(yes we are both seriously so awkward :lol:)

So. He doesn't want to rush things which is a good sign right?

I don't know. Am I just hoping for the best situation because I like him?

It's possible there is some bias there.

At least it's an indication he might not be a fuckboi

[Melodic]

It's possible there is some bias there.

At least it's an indication he might not be a fuckboi

yeah.. there might be..

and that's true. i mean it's a good sign but I guess it doesn't really give too much of an definite answer.

[Uniquemind]

yeah.. there might be..

and that's true. i mean it's a good sign but I guess it doesn't really give too much of an definite answer.

Let's break the mold of thinking here for a second.

Let's assume you make a move on this guy, what job prospects do you have lined up as a fallback in case all this goes south?

2 years I've noticed for serious relationships tends to be a trial period, of make or break for a lot of couples.

Then the benchmark I've noticed is 5, and then the 10 year, or depending on the individuals marriage proposal expectations might even occur after the 5 year mark.

Id ask him what his plans are for the holidays and see if he was free to hangout, and on personal time (not at work) dial-up the flirting but give yourself (not him) an ultimatum of how far you're willing to go, and then as step two communicate what you've sensed...

People can be torn between two loves at the same time it's not either/or, imho that's society's expectation affecting us.

[ClaraWho]

UPDATE::

I don't think he wants to just get in my pants. It's been almost a month now, I feel like if that was his intentions It would've been a little bit more obvious and more rushed.

I do plan on talking to him. However, I may have changed my mind on talking to him right now. I just realized he isn't doing anything other than flirting because he's nervous. Yesterday, I talked to him and this is how our conversation went.

Him: What department does this item go in?
Me: Let me think a second.. Department 17.
Him: You're so smart! I could just ki-give you a CHRISTMAS present!
Me: *gives him a weird look*
Him: Uh do you want a christmas present?
Me: Sure. Why not?
Him: *laughs and walks off*

(yes we are both seriously so awkward :lol:)

So. He doesn't want to rush things which is a good sign right?

I don't know. Am I just hoping for the best situation because I like him?

Sounds like you are inventing your own convenient narrative. He has a girlfriend. None of the questions I pointed out earlier have been answered. Inagine how you'd feel if he was with you, and flirting with other girls at work (for example). If that's the sort of guy he is, and all evidence proves it, then he'd cheat on you.

But whilst you ask the questions on here, you don't seem to really want an answer. I'd take a minute to re-evaluate as you seem to be trying to fool yourself.

~ Clara

[Melodic]

Let's break the mold of thinking here for a second.

Let's assume you make a move on this guy, what job prospects do you have lined up as a fallback in case all this goes south?

2 years I've noticed for serious relationships tends to be a trial period, of make or break for a lot of couples.

Then the benchmark I've noticed is 5, and then the 10 year, or depending on the individuals marriage proposal expectations might even occur after the 5 year mark.

Id ask him what his plans are for the holidays and see if he was free to hangout, and on personal time (not at work) dial-up the flirting but give yourself (not him) an ultimatum of how far you're willing to go, and then as step two communicate what you've sensed...

People can be torn between two loves at the same time it's not either/or, imho that's society's expectation affecting us.

I don't have any job prospects but I can say I'm pretty responsible to stay at my current job until I find a new one. I don't even know if it would be much of a problem as we work in two completely separate areas of the store to the point we only talk 1-2 times a day when one of us passes eachothers areas.


Sounds like you are inventing your own convenient narrative. He has a girlfriend. None of the questions I pointed out earlier have been answered. Inagine how you'd feel if he was with you, and flirting with other girls at work (for example). If that's the sort of guy he is, and all evidence proves it, then he'd cheat on you.

But whilst you ask the questions on here, you don't seem to really want an answer. I'd take a minute to re-evaluate as you seem to be trying to fool yourself.

~ Clara

Don't think your advice is going unnoticed but this is a situation where there's no definite answer. Given the threads responses, the only thing everyone can agree on is that I just need to ask him. Which by the way, I'm working up the courage to do because I'm not exactly the confrontational type in real life. You can't just get mad at me because I'm not taking your perspective completely to heart and thinking he's just messing around. I want to believe that he has good intentions but I'm also wanting to make sure I get myself into a healthy relationship.

[ClaraWho]

I don't have any job prospects but I can say I'm pretty responsible to stay at my current job until I find a new one. I don't even know if it would be much of a problem as we work in two completely separate areas of the store to the point we only talk 1-2 times a day when one of us passes eachothers areas.




Don't think your advice is going unnoticed but this is a situation where there's no definite answer. Given the threads responses, the only thing everyone can agree on is that I just need to ask him. Which by the way, I'm working up the courage to do because I'm not exactly the confrontational type in real life. You can't just get mad at me because I'm not taking your perspective completely to heart and thinking he's just messing around. I want to believe that he has good intentions but I'm also wanting to make sure I get myself into a healthy relationship.

You're missing the point entirely Madie. And may I say nobody is 'getting mad at you', we all have our own decisions to make and ultimately what we do with our lives is down to us.

All I was pointing out is that you seem to have already made up your mind on what you want, and are trying to string together justifications to confirm you are doing the right thing.

Not so much looking for answers, more looking for others to agree with you. Which is totally fine, I just feel I'd be doing you an injustice by not having the courtesy to point it out to you. I'm just one opinion on this thread, it's up to you how you proceed.

What I will say finally is, look at your motivations and history with making excuses for people's behaviour. The best way to do this is imagine your best friend/future daughter asking you this question, how would you advise her from an outside perspective? Would you still be as forgiving of his behaviour?

Just some different perspectives for you to consider, that's all.

~ Clara

[Melodic]

You're missing the point entirely Madie. And may I say nobody is 'getting mad at you', we all have our own decisions to make and ultimately what we do with our lives is down to us.

All I was pointing out is that you seem to have already made up your mind on what you want, and are trying to string together justifications to confirm you are doing the right thing.

Not so much looking for answers, more looking for others to agree with you. Which is totally fine, I just feel I'd be doing you an injustice by not having the courtesy to point it out to you. I'm just one opinion on this thread, it's up to you how you proceed.

What I will say finally is, look at your motivations and history with making excuses for people's behaviour. The best way to do this is imagine your best friend/future daughter asking you this question, how would you advise her from an outside perspective? Would you still be as forgiving of his behaviour?

Just some different perspectives for you to consider, that's all.

~ Clara


You're right. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be arguing with your advice especially when you took time out of your day to help me out. And I know you're not mad at me, I should've worded that differently.

Honestly, I do have a tendency to make excuses for bad behavior in relationships which is the main reason why I'm on here in the first place. I appreciate you pointing that out to me. I've been through a lot of bad relationships and I just don't want to go through another one.

But seriously, thank you.