I'm so…tired

[Brightwolf]

I might rant a little. Yes a very disorganized rant.

I'm just tired of hiding. I'm tired of being so emotional and yet empty the same time. I feel like a walking paradox, trying to lift others up, yet putting myself down for the simplest of things. I feel as if I can't open up to people or else they'll hate me…of course, I think that they hate me anyways. I think I'm worthless and that no one really loves me, even though I know that there are people who do.

I hate myself and how I look most of the time and I'm not even sure why. I don't really trust people anymore either. I've actually thought of ending my own life, something that I'd never thought I'd even think of. It's like I'm I'm on this spiral that ends in my own demise. I don't think that I'm good enough for things either. I feel like I'm wearing a fragile mask that'll break the second someone asks me what's wrong. But I can't show my emotions because I'll be labeled as weak or pathetic.

I feel as if I'm the only one going through the things that I'm going through. That I, as a Christian, like guys or that I feel worthless, especially since it seems like every other guy's bigger, faster, or stronger than I am.

I know people care about me. But I can't feel it. I don't feel loved anymore, despite my best efforts.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know who I am anymore.

[Just JT]

Well what I can say is that you are not alone in your emotions. These feelings you have are actually pretty common, and normal. Everyone has them to different degrees.

But let me ask you something, what do you think will happen if you let that mask crack or take it off?

If someone has an opinion of you that's negative or opposite or different than they had before, who cares?
And if they were viewed as a friend or loved one, and something changed, reality is, nothing changed, on either side

[Brightwolf]

Well what I can say is that you are not alone in your emotions. These feelings you have are actually pretty common, and normal. Everyone has them to different degrees.

But let me ask you something, what do you think will happen if you let that mask crack or take it off?

If someone has an opinion of you that's negative or opposite or different than they had before, who cares?
And if they were viewed as a friend or loved one, and something changed, reality is, nothing changed, on either side

I don't know what will happen. And that scares me. I think that my mom will overreact in a loving way, which will cause me to feel worse. One of my friends knows that I experience these...feelings and he's actually fine with it (even though he knows that I like him or at least that I used to).

[Shock96]

You might be suprised at how people will react if you tell them what you're going through. You know your situation better than I do, but if you are feeling this bad, could telling people you trust make it worse?

You said that your mom might overreact in an extremely loving way... maybe you could tell her and voice those concerns with her. Tell her that you still want to be treated normally and don't want your relationship to change, but you just need someone to talk to. Thoughts?

Edit: One thing I want to add... depression is NOT a sign of weakness. 1 in 4 people experience some form of it, it's extremely common. Being depressed doesn't mean you are weak or pathetic, it means that your brain isn't immune to the chemicals that are being released in it. Hint- nobodies is.

Matt

[Just JT]

CosmicWarlock I think Shock96 makes some valid points.
Depression is not anything new, and in reality, takes a much stronger person to face those fears than to hide those emotions.

And not to cut hairs, but we all know that we don't know what will happen. I was asking what you think will happen. There is a difference. And if mom will basically accept you for who you are, most moms will, then great!!! I think people go through life with a perception of how and who people are. And never really even taking the time to ask about things they assume.

I remember when it was discover I was into guys, my dad asked me why I didn't say anything. I replied with, why didn't you ask? We go through our lives and people assume guys are into girls, and they may be. But they never stop to think or ask what we feel about our sexuality.

So with that in thought, yiur feelings on not being good enough, accepted for who you are, etc, probably stem from your sexuality, people assumed. They never asked?

So who's in the wrong?