Was this abuse or..?

[Limeblood]

I've been considering it abuse but I don't really.. Know if it counts I suppose. :what: I guess I feel like it's my fault?
Trigger warning for: Incest mentions, Pedophilia mentions, NSFW, ect.


When I was 13, I got into my first real relationship with some guy. We knew eachother online. He had just turned 16 and I didn't really understand what age gaps were at the time, so I went with it. I didn't really like him, but he liked me so I thought that I had to go out with him.

Most of our "relationship" was him getting me to roleplay with him. We would roleplay as characters from a webcomic who were related, and one was an adult. He had managed to convince me that pedophilia and incest were okay. It really made me uncomfortable at the time but I felt like I wasn't really allowed to say no. The roleplays were very sexual and would go on for a really long while, and I don't think I really realized how messed up they were.

Eventually we ended up having cybersex over skype, and while I was really uncomfortable during it I didn't say anything. I just wanted to make him happy because I rarely get positive attention from anyone, especially then. There was another guy who would make me cyber with him sometimes. He was 16 as well and was a "'friend"" of mine. He would make me pretend to be his little sister so he could have sex with me and thinking back on it that really messed me up.

The guy I was dating said we were "Engaged" and that if I left him he'd kill himself. He was constantly manipulating me and making me feel like I only existed to please him. He was never interested when I wanted to talk about something and I was really only there for sex.

I ended up breaking up with him after a year or so of this, and I only really started recovering recently. When I left I was 14 and he was 16, but he's almost 17 now. It really wasn't all that long ago.

My therapist thinks I probably have PTSD because of the way I act about this, and I agree with her. Sometimes I have flashbacks about what he would say to me and about how it felt and it's really scary.

Im just not sure if this really counts as abuse because neither of them ever actually physically touched me. Both of them made me send nudes, and I did without complaint. Sometimes I even asked for sexual stuff and roleplays.
Is it still abuse if I asked for it?
I don't know. I'm just confused and scared. I need to know if he actually hurt me or if I'm overreacting.

[cherryblood]

Yes it was! Youre not overreacting

[Zachary G]

It all sounds like some kind of abuse to me and I think you could develop PTSD from such experiences. And just because you asked for things at times doesnt change that it was abuse because, in a way, you were kind of conditioned to want those type things as a way to keep them in your life. They were controlling you mentally by doing the things they were doing.

[PinkFloyd]

You are certainly not over-reacting about this. You were in quite a bad ordeal and it's good that you have a therapist to talk to about it.

[Uniquemind]

Yeah in my opinion that's a form of mind control social-engineering. Glad you got out of that situation, it's not healthy at all.

Focus on covering and learn from the experience of how "people" CAN be sometimes. People aren't always this bad but from the experience develop a litmus test of when to suspect someone's a bad VS someone who is good to associate with.

[Shock96]

There are three kinds of abuse... mental, physical, and emotional. I think it's safe to say you definitely experienced some abuse. As far as the PTSD goes, don't discount that... it stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, so any trauma, regardless of how it occurred, can cause it.

You may feel like it might not count because you asked for it, but that is not so. You were being manipulated, and having your emotions controlled by those people. This does not make what they were doing any less abusive, especially since you say you didn't want it.

Matt

[Godsdaughter]

This was totally sexual abuse. It doesn't have to be physical, it can be emotional too. And its not your fault, he was manipulating you, and you were young. You didn't know any better, almost anyone would have acted the same as you. As long as you are out of the relationship now, I don't know what else to tell you other then that I am praying for you :)