novellam
October 1st, 2016, 07:35 PM
I posted this on the abuse forum, but for anyone who might be questioning whether their relationship is unhealthy or not maybe this will be helpful. To summarize: If you're not happy, even if the guy is super nice, you can leave.
I was in a relationship with a guy where at times we were really happy, but other times things were bad, because he had pretty severe depression, still does, and lots of issues with people abandoning him and things like that. I feel as though it sort of sounds like I'm saying that those things weren't a really big deal, but they were. I made every waking moment about helping him deal with his problems, and part of that I did willingly, but part of that I was sort of manipulated into doing because I didn't have anything else to spend my time on. When I started dating him I had a friend group who I liked pretty well, obviously they weren't perfect because this is high school, but I was happy. He would always say things to me like "I like you so much better without your friends" or get really moody when he was around them, often lying down or going to be by himself, and I would go over and comfort him, and then he would say that he felt guilty for taking me away from them, when it was sort of obvious he wanted my attention. I remember thinking to myself several times, "I can't tell my therapist this because she'd tell me to break up with him." Which I now see as an early warning sign. Our bad days would happen mostly during the school year when he would get really depressed about me not being with him all the time, and he would get really sad whenever I would tell him I was working on a weekend, to the point where I changed my schedule to accommodate him, even though I loved, and still love, my job. During the summer there was one day where I was trying to convince him to get a therapist and he told me that I only wanted him to get one because I didn't like helping him. Later in that conversation he yelled at me, something like "It's not going to work!!" even though I've told him that I have a lot of emotional problems with people yelling at me. The next day when I brought up the fact that I wouldn't be able to be with him if he didn't get a therapist he got really upset with me even though he had already made plans to get one.
By the time the school year started up again (this school year) and after dating him for six months, I broke up with him. It was actually more complicated than that, as it often is, but this is long enough so I won't go into it. I talked with him in person for a day and over text for two before I finally decided to tell him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I didn't think it would help either of us because we both needed to move on and if either of us wanted to be friends later, we would have to have space. After less than a week (of texts he sent me that I left unanswered) he sends me another text saying, "If you don't answer me I will come to your house and talk to you there." I talked him down, but now I can barely leave my blinds open in the daytime, let alone at night.
I know this isn't traditional abuse, as if that's really a thing, but I figure there's some other person who's questioning if they should stay in a relationship with someone who they love deeply, but who does questionable things and uses their depression or whatever as an excuse, so maybe this will help them.
I was in a relationship with a guy where at times we were really happy, but other times things were bad, because he had pretty severe depression, still does, and lots of issues with people abandoning him and things like that. I feel as though it sort of sounds like I'm saying that those things weren't a really big deal, but they were. I made every waking moment about helping him deal with his problems, and part of that I did willingly, but part of that I was sort of manipulated into doing because I didn't have anything else to spend my time on. When I started dating him I had a friend group who I liked pretty well, obviously they weren't perfect because this is high school, but I was happy. He would always say things to me like "I like you so much better without your friends" or get really moody when he was around them, often lying down or going to be by himself, and I would go over and comfort him, and then he would say that he felt guilty for taking me away from them, when it was sort of obvious he wanted my attention. I remember thinking to myself several times, "I can't tell my therapist this because she'd tell me to break up with him." Which I now see as an early warning sign. Our bad days would happen mostly during the school year when he would get really depressed about me not being with him all the time, and he would get really sad whenever I would tell him I was working on a weekend, to the point where I changed my schedule to accommodate him, even though I loved, and still love, my job. During the summer there was one day where I was trying to convince him to get a therapist and he told me that I only wanted him to get one because I didn't like helping him. Later in that conversation he yelled at me, something like "It's not going to work!!" even though I've told him that I have a lot of emotional problems with people yelling at me. The next day when I brought up the fact that I wouldn't be able to be with him if he didn't get a therapist he got really upset with me even though he had already made plans to get one.
By the time the school year started up again (this school year) and after dating him for six months, I broke up with him. It was actually more complicated than that, as it often is, but this is long enough so I won't go into it. I talked with him in person for a day and over text for two before I finally decided to tell him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I didn't think it would help either of us because we both needed to move on and if either of us wanted to be friends later, we would have to have space. After less than a week (of texts he sent me that I left unanswered) he sends me another text saying, "If you don't answer me I will come to your house and talk to you there." I talked him down, but now I can barely leave my blinds open in the daytime, let alone at night.
I know this isn't traditional abuse, as if that's really a thing, but I figure there's some other person who's questioning if they should stay in a relationship with someone who they love deeply, but who does questionable things and uses their depression or whatever as an excuse, so maybe this will help them.