Over dependant friend??

[iamatree]

So.. I have this friend who is always asking for my help, and it always takes up my time to help her, and it makes me feel frustrated too.

I know I sound like i'm whining, and I’m sure I am, but the thing is, whenever we’re in class, she doesn’t listen to the teachers. Then, she blames the teachers for not teaching well enough. After that, she asks me to teach her what the teacher had taught us, but whenever I start teaching she starts getting distracted or makes excuses to walk around or sleep or changes the topic. She also asks me to make notes for her instead of doing it herself. Then, she loses the notes and asks me to do it again.

There are also times when I’m busy but she always wants me to do what she wants first, even though what I’m doing is more important than what she wants. (It’s usually something like her asking me to draw something for her while I’m doing schoolwork. I tell her that I’m busy but she insists that I do what she wants first.) She also calls me at a time when I clearly told her that I was not around. I usually can’t be around at night but that’s when she always calls. The next day she would say it was my fault for not answering her calls even though I wasn’t there.

She also drags me around a lot. Whenever she wants to go somewhere, she would drag me or my other friends with her. Even if it's just to ask a teacher a simple request or to buy something, she would drag me with her, even if I’m in the middle of something. Heck even to the toilet, she needs someone to follow her. And it’s not that she can’t be alone, she’s perfectly fine without any of us following her if she doesn’t have a choice. I don’t even have to do anything, and I would just stand there looking stupid. It really makes me feel like her maid or servant or something.

And I know this is probably hypocritical and really childish of me to say , but I find that she is really judgemental. It’s sometimes intimidating and uncomfortable to be around her, especially since there are somethings that I just not as good as doing. She is better than me at some things and she tends to be harsh on me because of it, always saying that she can do better. I’m fine with criticism, but the way she says it just makes me want to give up trying new things. I know I should tell her but I’m also afraid to do so.

She also has a habit of snatching my stuff. It can happen when I’m writing or she would just take my things because I don’t agree with her or if I’m reluctant to do something. She never gives it back unless I do what she wants or someone forces her to.

I’ve tried to be understanding and I’ve really tried to be patient with her, but I’ve endured this for more than a few years and it’s really getting on my nerves.

But the problem is, I feel bad if I ignore her and don’t help her. I’ll feel like a horrible person if I just tell her to stop, because I know it’s not entirely her fault. She’s a little slow too and she needs guidance. I can’t just leave her like this, it feels wrong and I don’t want to shift the blame on her yet I am getting very irritated and fed up of her.

I don’t know if I’m just too kind for helping her, or if I’m a bad friend for feeling this way, or if I’m just over sensitive or if she’s over dependant. I don’t know what to do anymore.

What should I do?

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edit:

Thank you all for this aaaah I wasn’t expecting these kind responses! It’s great to know that there are people who can relate to you. (let me hug all of you). I have been trying to tell her and I do ignore her sometimes or come up with excuses, but it really feels horrible to do that. Maybe I'll just tell her directly.

Thanks again!

[TheFutureDoctor]

Hi! First of all, welcome to VT!!
Now, I did have a friend like that but not SO dependant. I had a group who were using me cuz I am the class topper, they used to copy my assignments and copy my answers during tests. I had the same problem as you, I care too much about people. I am way too sensitive and I can't help it. So they start begging if I refuse and then my resistance breaks. I do it. Then last year I really decided I needed to do something. I started withdrawing. Not telling them suddenly like "hey not anymore go f*ck off" type :P but like one day I say I cannot do this. Slowly I stop showing them answers, I start leaving some part of my assignment incomplete which I write just before handing in so they can't copy. Now two ways:
1) They get lost/stop depending on you: Great! Job done.
2) They don't: Be blunt. Say F*ck off! Say I can't help you in everything.

I mean seriously, you SHOULD NOT be doing all that you are. That is crazy!
Try just telling her politely or just shrugging her off. Postpone her work. Let her be punished for an incomplete work say (you keep saying I'll do it just a bit later) Hopefully she should understand.
No, you're awesome. You are not a bad friend. Infact it's no use being a friend(my experiences). Keep those special people your friends, get rid about the others. I have faced torture for 2 years because of my "buddies" talking ill about me behind my back. I am so sensitive I used to cry. Now I stopped giving a f*ck.
If you need anything else, feel free to chat with me.
PS: Forgive my language :P All this brings out my emotions.

[Phosphene]

Welcome to VT iamatree! Don't be afraid to tell her how you feel--she's obviously not afraid to tell you how she feels. If she can be overcritical and harsh to you, you can most definitely tell her she needs to stop treating you the way she does. Maybe a tutor would be a good idea if she's lacking focus in her schoolwork. I can relate to having a friend who drags you around all the time, asks for help then doesn't take it seriously, it's so frustrating but you know what? We are in control of the friends we have, and we are in control of standing up for ourselves. Friendship is a two-way street; one person should not be constantly degrading the other. That is not friendship. Best wishes for you, hope you can resolve these issues!

[Just JT]

Hello, welcome to vt

All I can say is IMO, this is not a friend. Friends don't treat friends that way. Friendship is a 2-way street. The relationship you have with her is like a highway with a tollbooth on it. It's going her way and your paying for it.

Personally, and I hate to sound like this, I'd tell her to fuck off and take care of her own shit, she's used you enough already

[ClaraWho]

To go from a slightly different perspective, you say you don't want to stop helping her because you feel she needs it.

It's the old fishing analogy. Give a man a fish, he's fed for a day. TEACH a man HOW to fish, he can feed himself for life.

You aren't helping her with your actions. You're enabling.

Why would she start paying attention in class if she has other options? Why would she start making notes when she can look at yours?

Saying no is sometimes the better option. It forces that individual to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN LIFE. This includes aspects such as learning to concentrate and complete tasks, to not blaming others for her failings, to being able to entertain herself when alone.

It's time for her to stand on her own two feet.

In terms of yourself, don't feel you have to explain when you say 'no' to going somewhere, or doing something. It's tough to do but you need to take back and own your life. Time is a valuable and precious commodity, don't waste it on people who don't deserve it. And it sounds like she doesn't, as others have said friendship is a two-way street, not a self-centric circle of servitude and manipulation.

I would be firm, say no without explaining, don't be rude about it - just be strict. No means no. It doesn't require an explanation to her, she isn't family or a loved one. Don't give her an excuse to twist your words into being her enemy, though she might try. Stay polite but detached. This will help her more than anything else you could possibly do, and you will grow with the experience.

~ Clara

[Flapjack]

Heyyyy, firstly welcome to VT!!:) Tbh dude I think she might be going to far and being irritating, especially asking you to stop school work to do stuff like drawing but tbh most of what you're complaining about sounds like normal friend stuff!

When she asks you to do something you really don't want to, just politely say no and explain why.

Friendship does require work though dude :)

[jamie_n5]

I think you are a good friend. It sure does seem that she is definitely using you too much. The school thing. Maybe she has a learning disorder or learning deficit. She should really see a doctor about that. You could talk to her and flat out tell her that she needs to start doing things for herself. Also welcome to VT. I think you will like it here.