This Break Up Needs to Happen

[beebs]

Long story short, I need to break up with my boyfriend of two years, its not working, i've caught him out on cheating before and found out he's doing it again.

I tried to break up with him the last time but seeing him upset broke my heart and we stayed together, i'm sick and tired and have had enough of being treated this way.

I still love him and want to remain friends with him, which he has said isn't possible, as in, if we break up he can't be my friend.

I'm also concerned he may harm himself if I break up with him, he has never directly threatened that but last time we 'broke up' and after we got back together he told me he was planning on committing suicide that night. He has also had issues relating to self harm and depression in the past.

I do genuinely fear for his safety and believe he would harm himself.

Advice? Suggestions? Please don't tell me 'Just leave him, its not your fault if he harms himself', because I know, I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I want to see him safe because I love him.

[Flapjack]

Break up and still be friends with him is my advice. I have seen though scum bag abusive boyfriends that will say they'll self harm or kill themselves to stop the girl from dumping him. You must put yourself first. I wish you luck:)

[Just JT]

He's cheated on you in the past and is now avain?
He'll keep doing it so consider how much he must love you if he can't control that. Is that something your willing to accept for as long as your relationship lasts?

Yes or no, the result is obvious

You should do what's best for you. If he harms himself, it's his choice and doing, and he's only using that to manipulate you. Seems he may be pretty good at that eh?

[jamie_n5]

You need to sit down with him and talk. Tell him how you feel and why. Tell him that you fell out of love with him over cheating on you and lack of trust. Tell him there is nothing he can say or do now to change your mind. You can tell him you love him as a friend but that's it. He obviously isn't satisfied with just you. He will probably always continue to wander on his girl or wife. You don't need that. I don't know what to say about his saying he will commit suicide or harm himself. I think all you could do there is to tell his parents his threats and hope that they get him professional help. Good Luck to you.

[Cadanance00]

I dunno, I think it's time to kick him OUT!

[Uniquemind]

Dump him.

He is responsible for his own emotions and actions-consequences.

Don't buy into the whole if I do this, then person B will do this or that BS.

[ClaraWho]

Unfortunately I had this happen with a close friend.

It is relatively common for manipulative individuals to try to use attempts to die by suicide, in order to 'trap' partners in an unhealthy relationship. But the simple fact is you aren't helping him by staying. You're enabling his unwillingness to seek help/change.

You sound much more mature and you deserve so much better than the way you've been treated. He knew how his actions would affect and hurt you, but I think you should point it out to him.

Explain how you no longer love him, that you just think of him as a friend (no mixed signals). Tell him how he has hurt, by cheating, by manipulating you into staying when you are unhappy, by trying to hurt you by hurting himself. Ask him why he is intent on causing you pain and only thinking of himself. His actions are incredibly selfish, self-entered and uncompassionate.

Say that he has changed since you first got together, that staying together is only enabling him to continue in a downward spiral. He needs to take responsibility for his own health and wellbeing, to seek the help he clearly needs from a therapist and to put in the work to recover.

I agree when he says you cannot remain friends, at least not for a couple of months. He will just use you as an excuse to not change, you will still be dragged down by his behaviour. By the sound of it you could use some time to heal yourself, maybe frame it so, 'sorry, I need some time to heal from when you cheating on me'.

Think about what will happen if you don't break up. When is he going to have the motivation to change, when he already has you trapped? How many more times are you going to be cheated on? Can you imagine being sexual with him even though the feelings have gone? You'd be a prisoner to his emotional blackmail.

No, you deserve better and you need to respect yourself enough to hold your head high and say enough is enough. If he has relatives that he gets along with, consider mentioning his depression to them. They are much better placed to help him. In a way all these suggestions are tough love.

If he asks 'if I change will you be my girlfriend again', the answer should be 'you need to commit to changing for yourself, not anyone else, or it won't work'. You need to move on from this guy regardless, you'll never trust him again or be fully okay with how he treated you. That and you deserve better! (Said it enough times yet!! :P).

Wishing you luck,

~ Clara

[ZzeWatermelon]

I think that you should just do it, and don't overthink it.

[Lina756]

Long story short, I need to break up with my boyfriend of two years, its not working, i've caught him out on cheating before and found out he's doing it again.

I tried to break up with him the last time but seeing him upset broke my heart and we stayed together, i'm sick and tired and have had enough of being treated this way.

I still love him and want to remain friends with him, which he has said isn't possible, as in, if we break up he can't be my friend.

I'm also concerned he may harm himself if I break up with him, he has never directly threatened that but last time we 'broke up' and after we got back together he told me he was planning on committing suicide that night. He has also had issues relating to self harm and depression in the past.

I do genuinely fear for his safety and believe he would harm himself.

Advice? Suggestions? Please don't tell me 'Just leave him, its not your fault if he harms himself', because I know, I know it wouldn't be my fault, but I want to see him safe because I love him.

Even I think that it would be better if you sit with him and talk to him. If you have trouble doing that then take the help of a CBT psychologist from any clinic nearby in Toronto (http://www.cbtassociates.com/relationships/). They can help you to figure out the serious problem in your relationship and support you to to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one.