I want to die, but I can't.

[dusman77]

There's been so much going on lately, lately being 2 years. I've lost all the friends I once had, including one I think I could've liked more than a friend (who told me be didn't need me and left my life). I've gotten sucked into Sexting and later got caught, which has just made my self esteem bottom out. Thankfully I stopped. I've been used and abused by so many people. I've come to terms with my sexuality and absolutely hate myself for it. I can't help thinking I'm going to burn in hell no matter what I do. And then just now, I've found out that my granny, who I was closer to than anyone in my family and quite possibly my life at the moment, is probably going to die some time over the next couple of days. And with it, I feel like I'm dying slowly as well. She didn't know I was gay, or at least I don't think she did, but she despised gays. I can't help feeling that if she knew, she would hate me. One of the only people I really cared about. I also feel like that I'm metaphorically spitting in her face by being gay. I think I should just end my life--- it has to be for the better. The only things holding me back are the facts that I don't want to hurt my sister, who is too young to really know any better than to hate my homosexuality, and that I don't think I could commit suicide. I've had one very serious attempt, and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was too big of a coward. I want to die so very badly, but I just can't... I need serious help. I don't know how much longer I can take it. Thoughts?

[MortimerB]

I am terribly sorry to hear about your grandmother for starters - losing someone so close to you is a tough one.
Now, here's my thoughts and though it may sound cliché as heck, I honestly think things can get better. And no, I'm not just gonna it's the fucking hormones, as it obviously isn't but suicide is "a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem". Think about your situation very carefully and see if a more positive period of your life isn't on its way. Best of luck.

[dusman77]

I am terribly sorry to hear about your grandmother for starters - losing someone so close to you is a tough one.
Now, here's my thoughts and though it may sound cliché as heck, I honestly think things can get better. And no, I'm not just gonna it's the fucking hormones, as it obviously isn't but suicide is "a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem". Think about your situation very carefully and see if a more positive period of your life isn't on its way. Best of luck.

My being gay isn't a temporary problem. Its something I'll never be able to change and will always as mock me.

[Bmble_B]

It pains my heart to heart to here stories like this, especially consisting of a person who wants to commit suicide. You have a rich and full life ahead of you, dont cut it short! :)
I live by this saying I made up "Life is like a book, and there are billions of books out there. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. But you'll never truly know how it ends unless you read to the very end." Hope I helped :] Remember! Dont stop in the middle of the book, read it until the end dude :)

[MortimerB]

My being gay isn't a temporary problem. Its something I'll never be able to change and will always as mock me.

Oh, sorry about misleading you there. I primarily was referring to your loneliness - which for me at least - changed a lot during the last year. A lot of things can still happen...

[Seemyheart]

You're not going to burn in hell... each and every single one of us are different and have qualities other people do not. That's being human.
I'm sorry about your grandma, that's a rough situation. But I'm sure she would not hate you for being gay. You're family.
Stopping yourself from suicide, isn't cowardly. That shows your strength, even though it may not feel like it
I wish you the best of luck

[Obsidian]

Hey Dustin,

I'm so sorry for all that you've been going through lately. It sounds like there's a lot of conflict in your life right now and I know that it must be really hard to deal with all of that at once. I know that sometimes life and all the problems that come with it can be so overwhelming and make it seem like you'll never get to a happy place again. I've been there before. But no matter what you're dealing with in your life and no matter what problems you have there is always the chance for things to get better.

I'm straight, so I don't know what it's like to have to go through coming out or being discriminated against because of your sexuality. But I do know that the world is becoming so much more open to homosexuality. Every day it's becoming more and more accepted and understood. Your family or the other people in your life right now might not accept your sexuality, but there are millions of people out there who would. I really believe that there are more people who will accept you than who will discriminate against you. That should be one of your reasons to keep living: To find people to surround yourself with who understand and accept you. And I promise that there are people like that out there. But you've gotta keep living to find them.

Your sexuality does not define you. It is only a part of you. Your family should be able to see that, and if they can't then that's their problem, not yours. I don't think you should worry about what your grandma would think. Focus on the good memories you have had with her. She loved you all through your life, and that's what matters most.

Don't let other people's opinions define you. Yes, there are people out there who will tell you that your sexuality is sinful and that you are wrong for being who you are. But you should refuse to believe that. The only opinion that matters is the opinion you have of yourself. And your opinion of yourself should in no way be determined by the opinions of others. Learn to be happy with yourself and no one's ridiculous prejudices will bring you down.

I've recently lost a lot of my friends as well. Actually I don't have a single one right now. But you know, I'm actually okay with it. I decided that I would rather have no friends then have ones that don't treat me right or have the decency to stay in my life and stick with me when I'm struggling. Maybe it's a good thing your friends left you... because now you can go out and find friends that are better than them and who won't leave you like that. If it was so easy for them to walk away then they don't deserve to be in your life.

It might not seem like it right now, but there are so many things to live for. You have so much life ahead of you, and you can do anything that you want with it. You can have any career that you want. You can travel, you can make amazing friends. The possibilities are endless. You just have to get through all of this first. And you can get through it. You just have to have the determination to keep living no matter what setbacks you have in life. There are going to be happy moments in the future, no matter how difficult things are right now.

Feel free to message me if you ever need somebody to talk to. I totally believe you can get through all this. Try to believe that too!

[dusman77]

Thank you all for replying. It has helped to see some people actually care a little bit. I mean, of course it isn't all completely resolved, and I don't know if it ever will be, but I feel a little better now. But I do have a question. Is there any way that any of you could help me not worry about my sexuality so much? I mean, how come it isn't wrong specifically? From the research I've done, almost all religions believe it is unethical/immoral, and it also causes many more diseases and such. Seems like me being myself does more harm than good. :/

[Obsidian]

Thank you all for replying. It has helped to see some people actually care a little bit. I mean, of course it isn't all completely resolved, and I don't know if it ever will be, but I feel a little better now. But I do have a question. Is there any way that any of you could help me not worry about my sexuality so much? I mean, how come it isn't wrong specifically? From the research I've done, almost all religions believe it is unethical/immoral, and it also causes many more diseases and such. Seems like me being myself does more harm than good. :/

There's a lot of things religions are against. For example, having sex before you're married. I'd say probably 90% of people or more have engaged in sexual activity before marriage. And they're not discriminated against for that. It's completely acceptable in society. And it has some possibly negative outcomes too. Have you seen how many teenagers are getting pregnant nowadays? There's also STDs to worry about. But still the majority of people believe that sex before marriage is totally okay.

The only thing 'wrong' with homosexuality is that it's not completely accepted in society yet. But as I said before, it's becoming more and more accepted over time. You won't find any statistics that prove whether or not homosexuality is wrong, because it's based on belief rather than fact. It's like in the 1920's when a lot of people believed that women shouldn't have the right to vote. There was no proof or no reason to believe that women weren't smart enough or were unworthy of having this right. The only reason it took so long for us to get that right was because some people didn't believe that we should have it. And it's basically the same exact thing when it comes to homosexuality. There's nothing wrong with it scientifically, there's no reason to be against it. It's all based on belief. And I really believe that eventually homosexuality will become completely accepted in our society and that we will all have the same rights, no matter our sexuality. Because good always seems to win. Looking at history proves that to you. Women have the right to vote. There's no more segregation and far less racist people out there. The people who are against homosexuality are going to be on the wrong side of history.

Don't feel ashamed to be who you are. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you pay attention to the media you'll realize that there's a lot of stories about homosexuality and how much more accepted it's becoming. It seems like a new celebrity comes out like every week. If they are able to accept themselves so much that they'll let the whole world know that they're gay, then it's totally possible for you to accept yourself too. And I think that over time it will become a lot easier for you to do so.

[dusman77]

It pains my heart to heart to here stories like this, especially consisting of a person who wants to commit suicide. You have a rich and full life ahead of you, dont cut it short! :)
I live by this saying I made up "Life is like a book, and there are billions of books out there. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. But you'll never truly know how it ends unless you read to the very end." Hope I helped :] Remember! Dont stop in the middle of the book, read it until the end dude :)

Oh, sorry about misleading you there. I primarily was referring to your loneliness - which for me at least - changed a lot during the last year. A lot of things can still happen...

You're not going to burn in hell... each and every single one of us are different and have qualities other people do not. That's being human.
I'm sorry about your grandma, that's a rough situation. But I'm sure she would not hate you for being gay. You're family.
Stopping yourself from suicide, isn't cowardly. That shows your strength, even though it may not feel like it
I wish you the best of luck

Hey Dustin,

I'm so sorry for all that you've been going through lately. It sounds like there's a lot of conflict in your life right now and I know that it must be really hard to deal with all of that at once. I know that sometimes life and all the problems that come with it can be so overwhelming and make it seem like you'll never get to a happy place again. I've been there before. But no matter what you're dealing with in your life and no matter what problems you have there is always the chance for things to get better.

I'm straight, so I don't know what it's like to have to go through coming out or being discriminated against because of your sexuality. But I do know that the world is becoming so much more open to homosexuality. Every day it's becoming more and more accepted and understood. Your family or the other people in your life right now might not accept your sexuality, but there are millions of people out there who would. I really believe that there are more people who will accept you than who will discriminate against you. That should be one of your reasons to keep living: To find people to surround yourself with who understand and accept you. And I promise that there are people like that out there. But you've gotta keep living to find them.

Your sexuality does not define you. It is only a part of you. Your family should be able to see that, and if they can't then that's their problem, not yours. I don't think you should worry about what your grandma would think. Focus on the good memories you have had with her. She loved you all through your life, and that's what matters most.

Don't let other people's opinions define you. Yes, there are people out there who will tell you that your sexuality is sinful and that you are wrong for being who you are. But you should refuse to believe that. The only opinion that matters is the opinion you have of yourself. And your opinion of yourself should in no way be determined by the opinions of others. Learn to be happy with yourself and no one's ridiculous prejudices will bring you down.

I've recently lost a lot of my friends as well. Actually I don't have a single one right now. But you know, I'm actually okay with it. I decided that I would rather have no friends then have ones that don't treat me right or have the decency to stay in my life and stick with me when I'm struggling. Maybe it's a good thing your friends left you... because now you can go out and find friends that are better than them and who won't leave you like that. If it was so easy for them to walk away then they don't deserve to be in your life.

It might not seem like it right now, but there are so many things to live for. You have so much life ahead of you, and you can do anything that you want with it. You can have any career that you want. You can travel, you can make amazing friends. The possibilities are endless. You just have to get through all of this first. And you can get through it. You just have to have the determination to keep living no matter what setbacks you have in life. There are going to be happy moments in the future, no matter how difficult things are right now.

Feel free to message me if you ever need somebody to talk to. I totally believe you can get through all this. Try to believe that too!

There's a lot of things religions are against. For example, having sex before you're married. I'd say probably 90% of people or more have engaged in sexual activity before marriage. And they're not discriminated against for that. It's completely acceptable in society. And it has some possibly negative outcomes too. Have you seen how many teenagers are getting pregnant nowadays? There's also STDs to worry about. But still the majority of people believe that sex before marriage is totally okay.

The only thing 'wrong' with homosexuality is that it's not completely accepted in society yet. But as I said before, it's becoming more and more accepted over time. You won't find any statistics that prove whether or not homosexuality is wrong, because it's based on belief rather than fact. It's like in the 1920's when a lot of people believed that women shouldn't have the right to vote. There was no proof or no reason to believe that women weren't smart enough or were unworthy of having this right. The only reason it took so long for us to get that right was because some people didn't believe that we should have it. And it's basically the same exact thing when it comes to homosexuality. There's nothing wrong with it scientifically, there's no reason to be against it. It's all based on belief. And I really believe that eventually homosexuality will become completely accepted in our society and that we will all have the same rights, no matter our sexuality. Because good always seems to win. Looking at history proves that to you. Women have the right to vote. There's no more segregation and far less racist people out there. The people who are against homosexuality are going to be on the wrong side of history.

Don't feel ashamed to be who you are. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. If you pay attention to the media you'll realize that there's a lot of stories about homosexuality and how much more accepted it's becoming. It seems like a new celebrity comes out like every week. If they are able to accept themselves so much that they'll let the whole world know that they're gay, then it's totally possible for you to accept yourself too. And I think that over time it will become a lot easier for you to do so.
Actually, science has proven that it causes much more disease than heterosexuality, protection or not. Of course that doesn't mean it's wrong, more like a downside. But that, along with human biology points out that it is unnatural and harmful to those who partake in it. And isn't that a form of "wrong", if it's a form of self destruction/endangerment just like alcoholism or drug usage?

[Seemyheart]

In my opinion, it isn't wrong to be who you are. People may have different views, but why let that get in the way? This is your life

[Obsidian]

Actually, science has proven that it causes much more disease than heterosexuality, protection or not. Of course that doesn't mean it's wrong, more like a downside. But that, along with human biology points out that it is unnatural and harmful to those who partake in it. And isn't that a form of "wrong", if it's a form of self destruction/endangerment just like alcoholism or drug usage?

But it all depends on how you protect yourself. Alcohol is hardly dangerous if you only drink a little. Taking 50 shots and driving home drunk isn't acceptable. But having a couple beers and having a designated driver is safe and okay. Cigarettes can be considered a drug. Just because you smoke one cigarette doesn't mean you get addicted to it. Smoke a ton of them and you probably will. Have sex with a condom and you won't get an STD. But if you sleep around without using protection you probably will.

Something having dangerous side effects doesn't make it wrong or mean that it shouldn't be accepted. There are many things that we use and accept that can cause dangerous things to happen. But if you're safe then they're totally okay.

There are also many things that aren't natural that are accepted. Plastic surgery. Dying your hair. Getting piercings or tattoos. We weren't born with bright pink hair or earrings in our nose or wherever else but all that stuff is totally acceptable. Things that aren't technically natural are accepted in society all the time. So even if homosexuality isn't natural it still has the right to be accepted.

[dusman77]

But it all depends on how you protect yourself. Alcohol is hardly dangerous if you only drink a little. Taking 50 shots and driving home drunk isn't acceptable. But having a couple beers and having a designated driver is safe and okay. Cigarettes can be considered a drug. Just because you smoke one cigarette doesn't mean you get addicted to it. Smoke a ton of them and you probably will. Have sex with a condom and you won't get an STD. But if you sleep around without using protection you probably will.

Something having dangerous side effects doesn't make it wrong or mean that it shouldn't be accepted. There are many things that we use and accept that can cause dangerous things to happen. But if you're safe then they're totally okay.

There are also many things that aren't natural that are accepted. Plastic surgery. Dying your hair. Getting piercings or tattoos. We weren't born with bright pink hair or earrings in our nose or wherever else but all that stuff is totally acceptable. Things that aren't technically natural are accepted in society all the time. So even if homosexuality isn't natural it still has the right to be accepted.
You actually make really good points. Maybe I should listen a bit and try a bit harder to accept it.

[DarkHorse4eva]

i think there's a part deep deep inside your heart that keeps fighting for you and keeps you alive.

[AlexOnToast]

Remember that I'm always here to talk Dustin :)

[sweet_girl24au]

You actually make really good points. Maybe I should listen a bit and try a bit harder to accept it.

Just remember not to be too sensetive to the religious dogma which surrounds homosexuality in your part of the world. You should be able to be comfortable with who you are :)

[TheKingIam]

I wish I was never born sometimes so I wouldn't have to experience death, it happens to everyone
just remember things get better your only 15 , this temporary and before you'll even know it it'll be over