Potentially sappy but hear me out

[Hudor]

Okay, so today my best friend came out to me as gay.
This is about heartbreak and friendship both but mostly this is about friendship and so i decided to put this in this section.
Well, i think some background information is necessary here. We've known each other for two years now and i thought we were good friends. Well we talked about all sorts of stuff but he used to get awkward/offended when i brought up any gayish jokes, so i stopped that. We worked together for the literary society's work in college and bonded over that and gradually got close. Gradually he became my go-to person in college. Someone i could trust with a lot of things, even that i'm gay. He was probably the first person i trusted enough to tell i'm gay. I've got a homophobic family, and well i couldn't trust my parents or my brother with that or several other things. So, being able to open up to someone was relieving for me.
I came out to him in November or December last to last year. A month or so later, he got a whiff that i had a crush on him and when he asked, i confessed about it, eventually. Basically he's known I've had a big crush on him for almost a year and a half. We got along well enough and i was always happy whenever we got time to spend together.
He has a lot of qualities i look for in a partner and i always thought we would be great together. The only problem was that he told me he was straight. A lot of times, i tried to ascertain and make it completely sure that he was straight. He was always clear enough about it and always told me he didn't have feelings for guys.
Well finally i started moving on. Every gay guy who's had a straight crush(possibly 99% of gay guys) know what it is like. So i knew i had to move on because it wasn't really worth it. I could never really have him and tried my best to not let him feel that i still had feelings for him so that he wouldn't have to feel awkward about it at all. I did get over him to quite an extent but i was back to square one whenever i was with him and around him. Even so, i had accepted we couldn't be anything more than friends ever and i was content with being just friends(well mostly but i didn't let him realize about the lingering attraction). He even went along and told me he was having a crush on a girl in college. I was stupid enough to believe him and tried to help him get in a relationship with her. I wanted him to be happy and as he told me,he liked her a lot. SO i tried to help him out as best as i could with it.

Today, while chatting, he came out to me as gay. I didn't believe it for a long while because on various occasions he had made it very clear to me that he wasn't inclined towards guys at all and that he was completely straight. But then i realized he was serious.
He told me that he wanted me to know that he's gay. And that he has a boyfriend. Yes. I'm sad that he chose someone else over me. I mean i had seen him as someone i would want as a bf and he knew that as well. But it's okay. It's his choice who he wants to date and i'm okay with the fact that he chose someone else over me.
What i can't accept though was that he was my friend an he did and hid everything knowingly. He knew how much i trusted him. He knew he was one of the few people and well he believed he was the only person i really trusted with my issues. He used to ask me about it as well all the time. A lot of times, he tried to determine if i had made any new friends. I found it odd when he tried to emphasize time and again that i valued his company and depended on it. That's not something i really want anyone to know ever. and i didn't really want him to know that too. Idk how he realized that but he did and he tried to drive it home often.
It hurts to know that for the two years that he knew i'm gay and that i loved him, never once did he trust me enough to let me know. All the while, i thought that he as a friend was being supportive and sympathetic. I never could have realized he was faking it all and he probably just didn't care. He used to ask me often if i still had a crush on him and he was like, "i know you do." But i used to deny it ever since he told me he was crushing on a girl. I feel betrayed because he knew everything all along and he decided to play along with my feelings for all this while and it hurts me even more because he was one of the very few persons i trusted actually. I've always had a tough time becoming close as a friend with anyone having had a history of close friends who became bullies, antagonized me and outcast me from the company of half the school people. It took a lot to trust this guy and now i don't know what to feel.
Tl;dr: My best friend who i had a straight crush on, came out as gay today.

[drhalsey1]

Well it is possible that he didn't intend to play off of your feelings, maybe he just hadn't gotten around to accepting himself completely for at least part of that time. It's also possible that he might have thought you'd hit on him if you knew he was actually gay too

[Hudor]

Well it is possible that he didn't intend to play off of your feelings, maybe he just hadn't gotten around to accepting himself completely for at least part of that time. It's also possible that he might have thought you'd hit on him if you knew he was actually gay too

I had the same doubt and i asked him about it. He's told me on several occasions that his family is pretty cool with homosexuality and would accept him if he were gay. He told me, I'm not the first person he's coming out to and that some of his friends know and that he had accepted it long ago.
And he knew i had feelings for him but he also knew i was able to take rejection. He's known me enough for that. I was even out there for him when he was faking a crush on a girl, so i guess he should have known i wouldn't have hit on him if he didn't want to be with me.

[Sports Boy]

I think the only thing you have a right to do is ask him why he wasn't honest and truthful with you, which are pretty important elements in a friendship. I guess it's his decision to tell who he wants about his sexuality and he did mislead you about the girl crush but maybe he just wasn't ready to tell you which he eventually did.
But he didn't trust you and wasn't completely honest enough early so I would be concerned about if you have a legit best friend in him.

[Hudor]

I think the only thing you have a right to do is ask him why he wasn't honest and truthful with you, which are pretty important elements in a friendship. I guess it's his decision to tell who he wants about his sexuality and he did mislead you about the girl crush but maybe he just wasn't ready to tell you which he eventually did.
But he didn't trust you and wasn't completely honest enough early so I would be concerned about if you have a legit best friend in him.

Yeah, well that the was main problem. I don't care who he chooses to date. That's his personal life and i was not upset because he didn't choose to be with me. What i can't accept was lying about it constantly and involving me in his falsehoods. I felt like a fool and i felt he played with my feelings and trust and that is what upset me.
Yesterday, he apologized. He had a conversation with his bf about me and showed me a screenshot of it. Apparently his bf said my friend was an asshole for doing it and if he were in my place, he would be feeling quite fucked up as well. I asked him for an explanation but he feels it was irrelevant and he wasn't really hiding it.
Anyway, I'm moving past this now. He did what he did and i can't really change that. So I'm just trying to forget about him and what he did now unless he decides to give a legit explanation.

[Just JT]

I want to give my 2 cents her, but don't take offense to anything ok? Please....

I have a friend in another forum, who was in a similar situation. He wanted to come out to his best friend, but was pondering when. When I say best friend, I mean.....life, not walk away cause you can't see through a tough time...

I said, if your guna tell him, and you trust him, sooner the better. Because if you wait, say like 5 more years, yeah, I'd be pissed!! Me and him talked a long time, and he finally did it, and it all worked out. After some talk between them. That's what friends do.

See, 2 years, yeah, it's a long time, but also, it's not. Maybe the friends he came out to he's known longer, better, trusts them more. What ever.... Keep in mind that just because he is your best friend and you trust him to what ever level, does not always mean that is a reciprocal feeling.

I'm sure he has good feelings for you, or else you wouldn't still be froends. But for what ever reason, he just didn't have that same level of trust or friendship in you as you had in him.

So think about that....I don't think there's any fault there, it's his choice....

Also, another thought, perhaps he thinks of you as such a good friend, and a very good "friend" maybe he's struggled with that a while, can't imagine that being easy, knowing you have a crush on him, and he knows you think he's straight. If he told you say, last winter or what ever, compared to now, how would you have responded then?

He might of waited till he felt you could handle that news, and maybe felt you were past your "crush" and could be honest and be better friends now and NOT hurt you.

See this is a tough thing, and I'm pretty sure he wants to share his life with you, but just not in the same way you perceive it be best.

In short, I think he might of held off, but maybe in with your best interests at heart....

Just my thoughts....

[Hudor]

I want to give my 2 cents her, but don't take offense to anything ok? Please....

I have a friend in another forum, who was in a similar situation. He wanted to come out to his best friend, but was pondering when. When I say best friend, I mean.....life, not walk away cause you can't see through a tough time...

I said, if your guna tell him, and you trust him, sooner the better. Because if you wait, say like 5 more years, yeah, I'd be pissed!! Me and him talked a long time, and he finally did it, and it all worked out. After some talk between them. That's what friends do.

See, 2 years, yeah, it's a long time, but also, it's not. Maybe the friends he came out to he's known longer, better, trusts them more. What ever.... Keep in mind that just because he is your best friend and you trust him to what ever level, does not always mean that is a reciprocal feeling.

I'm sure he has good feelings for you, or else you wouldn't still be froends. But for what ever reason, he just didn't have that same level of trust or friendship in you as you had in him.

So think about that....I don't think there's any fault there, it's his choice....

Also, another thought, perhaps he thinks of you as such a good friend, and a very good "friend" maybe he's struggled with that a while, can't imagine that being easy, knowing you have a crush on him, and he knows you think he's straight. If he told you say, last winter or what ever, compared to now, how would you have responded then?

He might of waited till he felt you could handle that news, and maybe felt you were past your "crush" and could be honest and be better friends now and NOT hurt you.

See this is a tough thing, and I'm pretty sure he wants to share his life with you, but just not in the same way you perceive it be best.

In short, I think he might of held off, but maybe in with your best interests at heart....

Just my thoughts....

Thanks. That adds a new perspective for me because i hadn't really thought he might be waiting for me to get past my crush.
I would have totally accepted it somewhere around last October or November because it was only after that that he began to ask me how he could seem more straight and what prevented girls from seeing him as a desirable match, what he could do to change that and about the girl he had a crush on and loads of stuff like that. I always had a feeling that he might be gay and i had asked him several times on several occasions if he was. He always denied it and so, I had finally begun to believe that as well.
Him coming out as gay was a shock for me because he had spent considerable time in persuading me otherwise.
Honestly, i don't know if i was right to be upset about it but since it was about the one person i could trust with a lot of things, I didn't really know how to handle it.
Two things that i've understood as of now, after further interactions with him are that he doesn't have any romantic feelings for me(which i'm not bitter about btw) and that he still wants to be friends with me. I'm being completely honest with him and i've let him know what i'm feeling about this situation because i would rather be upfront with him about it and keep further complications out of the equation so that we can straighten things out better because I think it's better to clarify things rather than harbor misconceptions and ill feelings in my mind.
I've realized that he doesn't feel the same way about me and probably didn't trust me enough before. On the bright side, I'm happy he's opening up to me finally and I'm trying to get to know the full story from his point of view. So we've agreed to meet up soon and talk about everything in person.

[Just JT]

Good, I'm glad, it almost sounded like you were ready to toss in the friendship towel in your last post. See friendships are what they are, they evolve, they have ups and does....the ups are fun and good, and the downs are for testing your friendships, and if it passes the friendship, it only makes it stronger.

People are different, it's who we are, I realy hope it all works out for you. The more you guys talk, the better, stronger you'll befcome

Good luck

[Hudor]

Good, I'm glad, it almost sounded like you were ready to toss in the friendship towel in your last post. See friendships are what they are, they evolve, they have ups and does....the ups are fun and good, and the downs are for testing your friendships, and if it passes the friendship, it only makes it stronger.

People are different, it's who we are, I realy hope it all works out for you. The more you guys talk, the better, stronger you'll befcome

Good luck

Thanks :) And yes, I don't intend to give up on him. We're talking now and sorting things out.

[jamie_n5]

Wow that is a lot to take in. I feel for you. I suppose maybe he could have been afraid to come out as gay in the beginning of your relationship because he was still in the closet. I do think though if he knew how much you trusted him and would confide in him that at the point he felt comfortable with you and trusted you he should have told you. Also if he didn't want to date you or have a relationship with you he should have had the balls to tell you that he wanted to be your friend but not be in a relationship with you.

[Hudor]

Wow that is a lot to take in. I feel for you. I suppose maybe he could have been afraid to come out as gay in the beginning of your relationship because he was still in the closet. I do think though if he knew how much you trusted him and would confide in him that at the point he felt comfortable with you and trusted you he should have told you. Also if he didn't want to date you or have a relationship with you he should have had the balls to tell you that he wanted to be your friend but not be in a relationship with you.

Yeah that's somewhat how i felt but i guess he didn't think it was the right time to tell until now. I can't really understand why he did what he did but he's apologized and agreed to talk about everything in person and we're now trying to sort things out.

[jamie_n5]

Cool my friend I wish you luck and a lasting friendship or more if it works out.