Microcosm
July 3rd, 2016, 12:31 AM
So today I was thinking(too much, as always) about people who feel they're entitled to certain privileges in their careers, the political system, etc. for whatever reason, and it made me angry. It felt so unfair. I don't intend to have any debate about this, but it was the root cause of what has spiraled out of control into a depression for me.
I started thinking about the violence and passion that people will immerse themselves in when talking about these things, People screaming at each other and such. It feels as if this sensitivity will literally tear people apart. A girl who is possibly my best friend and I have had heated arguments in the past. I consider us to be quite close, but I could never even imagine losing her or someone like my parents or my close family. This arguing will one day tear us apart. It is such a lonely and depressing thought, but I've convinced myself of it.
I went to see a movie with her today, and I afterwards felt like crying and hugging her and telling her I never wanted to lose her, but I didn't do anything like that. I feel like telling her that all the time. I don't know. It's attachment at its finest, and it's extremely dangerous and destructive, but I feel that without it, I wouldn't be nearly as human, like a part of my own self, as an emotional human being, is dependent on the presence of others. By extension, this feeling often makes me feel like dying. As if part of me will physically die from this.
I legitimately feel like I cannot withstand the pressure that this feeling causes. I know that one day everyone will go away. I will go to college, and part of me will feel so dead. I'm in tenth grade now, but I have no doubt that the day will come.
Then, however, there is the other side to this. There are the poisonous and acidic people in the world. There are enough of these people that their existence prompts me to feel even greater depression. I cannot fight these people. Anyone who wants to physically overpower me probably could. Even if I tried to learn to fight them in some way, it seems as if it ultimately would not matter as there will always be more. People are cruel, sometimes. The very existence of these cruel people makes me feel like dying because I cannot defend myself and the ones I care about. They could be taken away from me at any second, and there is nothing I could do. And, to boot, if there was something I could do, I doubt I'd have the guts to do it.
Here is what makes it even worse. After thinking about this for hours, I started saying to myself that "I shouldn't have to deal with this," that in my current condition as a sixteen year old boy, developing mentally and unstable mentally for that reason, am entitled to protection from all of this. And then I sighed at the fact that I too, felt entitled. The world around me is crushing down upon me and I feel that I need to reach outside of that world for some help, some ultimate justice to save me from my condition. I am only scared, and helpless. I feel that I cannot adequately help myself, and, for this reason, search and cling to the help of others. This cycle will seemingly go on forever until no one is left to help me or support me, and my true self will be exposed as a scared, entitled, helpless, hopeless individual. I do honestly believe as well that this is what I am reduced to in times of depression like this. I don't want to depend on others in this way, but I can't motivate myself to do it. This entitled feeling definitely won't help either.
-
This has been basically a rant. I don't intend to sound like I "deserve" anyone's help, but it would be nice.
I started thinking about the violence and passion that people will immerse themselves in when talking about these things, People screaming at each other and such. It feels as if this sensitivity will literally tear people apart. A girl who is possibly my best friend and I have had heated arguments in the past. I consider us to be quite close, but I could never even imagine losing her or someone like my parents or my close family. This arguing will one day tear us apart. It is such a lonely and depressing thought, but I've convinced myself of it.
I went to see a movie with her today, and I afterwards felt like crying and hugging her and telling her I never wanted to lose her, but I didn't do anything like that. I feel like telling her that all the time. I don't know. It's attachment at its finest, and it's extremely dangerous and destructive, but I feel that without it, I wouldn't be nearly as human, like a part of my own self, as an emotional human being, is dependent on the presence of others. By extension, this feeling often makes me feel like dying. As if part of me will physically die from this.
I legitimately feel like I cannot withstand the pressure that this feeling causes. I know that one day everyone will go away. I will go to college, and part of me will feel so dead. I'm in tenth grade now, but I have no doubt that the day will come.
Then, however, there is the other side to this. There are the poisonous and acidic people in the world. There are enough of these people that their existence prompts me to feel even greater depression. I cannot fight these people. Anyone who wants to physically overpower me probably could. Even if I tried to learn to fight them in some way, it seems as if it ultimately would not matter as there will always be more. People are cruel, sometimes. The very existence of these cruel people makes me feel like dying because I cannot defend myself and the ones I care about. They could be taken away from me at any second, and there is nothing I could do. And, to boot, if there was something I could do, I doubt I'd have the guts to do it.
Here is what makes it even worse. After thinking about this for hours, I started saying to myself that "I shouldn't have to deal with this," that in my current condition as a sixteen year old boy, developing mentally and unstable mentally for that reason, am entitled to protection from all of this. And then I sighed at the fact that I too, felt entitled. The world around me is crushing down upon me and I feel that I need to reach outside of that world for some help, some ultimate justice to save me from my condition. I am only scared, and helpless. I feel that I cannot adequately help myself, and, for this reason, search and cling to the help of others. This cycle will seemingly go on forever until no one is left to help me or support me, and my true self will be exposed as a scared, entitled, helpless, hopeless individual. I do honestly believe as well that this is what I am reduced to in times of depression like this. I don't want to depend on others in this way, but I can't motivate myself to do it. This entitled feeling definitely won't help either.
-
This has been basically a rant. I don't intend to sound like I "deserve" anyone's help, but it would be nice.