Do I report it or make up a lie?

[Dalcourt]

For a couple of months my Dad and my maternal Grandma fight over custody for me.
It is a really bad situation cuz I love both and they are in some kind of feud now I can't stand at all.
Anyway...a few days ago I had a big fight with my Dad in the process he got violent and yanked me really hard on my right arm. The next day my wrist was all bruised and swollen and my Grandma decided to take me to the ER to check whether it was something serious.

My Dad has apologised and well...I didn't think it was such a big deal at all.

On Monday a have a meeting with my social worker and my Grandma wants me to report the incident to her. I don't feel like it cuz it will be bad for my Dad...and I feel like my Grandma knows it's really no big deal but she wants to make it one so that she can "win" against my Dad.

On the other hand if my social worker asks what's wrong with my hand I would have to make up a lie which I don't feel like doing either.

The outcome for my Dad would be bad if I tell the truth (he had already charges due to assault, abuse, drugs and so on and so on).
Still he is my Dad and I feel more like staying with him than anyone else - a fact that obviously nobody understands.

So what should I do in this situation. Tell the truth? Make something up?
I'm really lost at the moment.

[ClaraWho]

If he loved you he wouldn't hit you. Isn't the whole 'he means X to me, therefore I don't want him to get in more trouble, so I'll stay' the same as domestically abused men/women?

On one hand this was a single incident, although there is prior, yet it was enough to require a trip to hospital. What if he does more next time? At the same time why make excuses if he didn't care enough not to hit you In the first place?

~ Clara

[Just JT]

Hey bro, how's it going?
See, I get how you feel, you know that and where I've been. Your between a tall cliff and something really really hot, and it's not a good choice either. But you also know if someone's been an abuser before they'll do it again

But you also know what's best in your heart. Your dads made a lota progress hasn't he? Sometimes in the heat of the moment, people make bad choices, when they really know better. And you know how he feels about it, cause your there, and I'm here. So in reality, you know more.

I think it need to be addressed somehow, but a mistake, if it was, this might have really bad results.

How bad was it? Did he know right away he made a bad choice?
Is he only apologizing cause he knows you can/ might report it?

[Cadanance00]

If he loved you he wouldn't hit you. Isn't the whole 'he means X to me, therefore I don't want him to get in more trouble, so I'll stay' the same as domestically abused men/women?
~ Clara

Drugs, alcohol, violence. So familiar. I don't think you're doing him any favor by not reporting it. Sooner or later he has to understand what he's doing in his life isn't working for him.

Yeah, I know you love him. That's the hard part.

[Uranus]

If it's only one occurrence and that's it, I wouldn't suggest reporting him. It was in the heat of the moment, not when he had full control of himself and his emotions and actions. If it happens again and is any more serious, then you should consider reporting him for your safety. With how minimal it is, and being only one time, I think it would be a little too far to report hin

[Dalcourt]

If he loved you he wouldn't hit you. Isn't the whole 'he means X to me, therefore I don't want him to get in more trouble, so I'll stay' the same as domestically abused men/women?

On one hand this was a single incident, although there is prior, yet it was enough to require a trip to hospital. What if he does more next time? At the same time why make excuses if he didn't care enough not to hit you In the first place?

~ Clara

Yes, you totally right I guess. But I still feel bad cuz even it seems he didn't care enough not to hit me he was the only person who care for me in the past.

Hey bro, how's it going?
See, I get how you feel, you know that and where I've been. Your between a tall cliff and something really really hot, and it's not a good choice either. But you also know if someone's been an abuser before they'll do it again

But you also know what's best in your heart. Your dads made a lota progress hasn't he? Sometimes in the heat of the moment, people make bad choices, when they really know better. And you know how he feels about it, cause your there, and I'm here. So in reality, you know more.

I think it need to be addressed somehow, but a mistake, if it was, this might have really bad results.

How bad was it? Did he know right away he made a bad choice?
Is he only apologizing cause he knows you can/ might report it?

He's really making good progress. Staying away from drugs for real this time. I feel like this may all go to waste if I do something against him.

And compared to incidents in the past it wasn't bad at all. I don't think he apologized because he fears I report him or anything. I mean it's always like this if he does something he apologizes.


Drugs, alcohol, violence. So familiar. I don't think you're doing him any favor by not reporting it. Sooner or later he has to understand what he's doing in his life isn't working for him.

Yeah, I know you love him. That's the hard part.

I guess he knows that his life isn't working for him. He's been in jail, rehab you name it. As I said to this is the first time I really feel he's doing anything to fight all the bad things in his life...

If it's only one occurrence and that's it, I wouldn't suggest reporting him. It was in the heat of the moment, not when he had full control of himself and his emotions and actions. If it happens again and is any more serious, then you should consider reporting him for your safety. With how minimal it is, and being only one time, I think it would be a little too far to report hin

It wasn't a one time occourrence...he's been abusive since I can remember. He did way more serious things in the past.


It's tearing me apart. It's so hard do make a decision. I feel like I am a betrayer if I do something now....I feel his going back to his drugs and it's all my fault. Still I'm so sick of all of it

[ClaraWho]

Whilst you may believe if you do nothing he's really making an effort to change, you have to consider that you are extremely biased in what you WANT to be true. This means you will keep making excuses for his actions, such as 'not as severe as before', as if low level violence that leads to the emergency room is a price worth paying... Doesn't sound like it to me. Being a 'father' is an earnt title, not a given right, it has conditions and requirements that he has never met.

Food for thought.

~ Clara

[Dalcourt]

Whilst you may believe if you do nothing he's really making an effort to change, you have to consider that you are extremely biased in what you WANT to be true. This means you will keep making excuses for his actions, such as 'not as severe as before', as if low level violence that leads to the emergency room is a price worth paying... Doesn't sound like it to me. Being a 'father' is an earring title, not a given right, it has conditions and requirements that he has never met.

Food for thought.

~ Clara

yeah. from an outsider's point of view you might be right. but truth is it is all easier said than done. if you live with a person your whole life...and most of this life you have to consider this person being the only family you have and that cares ...you just HAVE to tell yourself it isn't that bad cuz else you could just go and kill yourself, ya know?

So maybe he doesn't meet the requirements but he's the only one who at least tried to care when I was a small kid.

[BrokenWingedPegasus]

yeah. from an outsider's point of view you might be right. but truth is it is all easier said than done. if you live with a person your whole life...and most of this life you have to consider this person being the only family you have and that cares ...you just HAVE to tell yourself it isn't that bad cuz else you could just go and kill yourself, ya know?

So maybe he doesn't meet the requirements but he's the only one who at least tried to care when I was a small kid.

I know it's hard but it's probably the right thing to do since he already has a record. And what matters is there are people that care about you now. I know it's your dad and it's difficult, but this is the only thing I can think of.

[ClaraWho]

yeah. from an outsider's point of view you might be right. but truth is it is all easier said than done. if you live with a person your whole life...and most of this life you have to consider this person being the only family you have and that cares ...you just HAVE to tell yourself it isn't that bad cuz else you could just go and kill yourself, ya know?

So maybe he doesn't meet the requirements but he's the only one who at least tried to care when I was a small kid.

Uh, what?

That's a weird ultimatum to invent for yourself O.o.

'If this horrible person who was my sperm donor, who at one point in my life might have cared, but are now violent, uncaring, abusive - if I lose that out of my life I'd kill myself'.

If you really believe that you need to have that connection, then you really need to sort your perspective out, maybe see the school counsellor or pay for one yourself. That equation doesn't balance.

I have a friend who was an orphan, grew up with abusive adopters, he's one of the most stable and confident people I know. Life is what you make of it. Family is a wonderful bonus, but one millions of people manage to live happy, fulfilling lives without. Stop living in the past and start living in the moment. Don't let his bad decisions and personality weigh you down like a shackle, that's not even helpful for him should he bother trying to improve. You aren't a small kid anymore, he isn't the same guy.

Same excuses as an abused partner in a relationship who won't leave because 'he'll change' and 'then I'd be alone forever'. Just wrong on every count.

Good luck,

~ Clara

[Dalcourt]

Uh, what?

That's a weird ultimatum to invent for yourself O.o.

'If this horrible person who was my sperm donor, who at one point in my life might have cared, but are now violent, uncaring, abusive - if I lose that out of my life I'd kill myself'.

If you really believe that you need to have that connection, then you really need to sort your perspective out, maybe see the school counsellor or pay for one yourself. That equation doesn't balance.

I have a friend who was an orphan, grew up with abusive adopters, he's one of the most stable and confident people I know. Life is what you make of it. Family is a wonderful bonus, but one millions of people manage to live happy, fulfilling lives without. Stop living in the past and start living in the moment. Don't let his bad decisions and personality weigh you down like a shackle, that's not even helpful for him should he bother trying to improve. You aren't a small kid anymore, he isn't the same guy.

Same excuses as an abused partner in a relationship who won't leave because 'he'll change' and 'then I'd be alone forever'. Just wrong on every count.

Good luck,

~ Clara



I don't think that any counsellor will be able to help me sort things out or help me find stability but that's another story.

Fact is that... sure I'm no small kid anymore but I'm still young enough to need some sort of legal guardian for a couple of years and whoever that might be he or she will be part of my life somehow.
I don't feel like going back into the system which is pretty shitty where I live so I can only decide between my not really perfect father and my equally not perfect grandma. She happily gave me up years ago to pursue her own life and plans and now only brought up all this legal shit just out of spite.

Being dragged to a doctor now by her when I'm hurt and being urged to report this stuff is a joke for me to be honest as she never cared all those years I would really have been in need of someone.



I'm not stupid or naive. I just don't feel like making a big deal out of shit that is going on for ages ... it's only a matter of time now till I'm old enough to stay on my own...the largest part is already behind me.
I just don't feel like deciding between them and all...I love both of them and at the same time hate both of them. I know that my words don't make sense today, so nevermind.

[Just JT]

Well, let us know how you make out either way ok bro?

[Dalcourt]

Well, let us know how you make out either way ok bro?

I decided simply to not go to this meeting...I'm really just sick off all this bullshit, ya know.

[Stronk Serb]

Before I became a legal adilt, whenever I behaved like a little prick, I got slapped. Let me guess, with your dad you see sort of an orderly chaos, as in stuff gets done and such, but with your grandma what do you see? Does she even care about you?

[jamie_n5]

It sounds like things were looking up for you. I hope they have improved since your last post. I think you really belong with your dad if he stays straight and sober and provides a good home for you. Good luck my friend.