I've caused a rift between my bro and his best friend

[Rumpstillskinny]

My family is very Christian and thus very homophobic. I am very gay and thus very deep in the darkest depths of the closet. I am not sure how my family and friends would react if they found out I was gay but I am sure I do not want to know yet.

And then of course my bro starts bring around his best friend who is quite possibly the most attractive guy I've ever met. Nowadays, we're pretty good friends...or at least we were.

So my bro's girlfriend's little brother is probably gay. Me, my bro, my bro's girlfriend, my bro's girlfriend's other little brother, and my bro's best friend were all discussing him. My bro's best friend said they should be supportive of him, because he's probably terrified to tell them because of how religious the family is. After he said that, he looked RIGHT AT ME! Right into my eyes.

Later in the night, he sat next to me in our game room. We were all alone. He asked me whether I thought my bro's girlfriend's brother was gay. I said probably. He then said that my bro's girlfriend and her other brother seemed perfectly OK with it. I said "Yea it looked like it". Then he asked whether he thinks my bro would be that supportive. My defenses rose to ungodly levels and I was like "Well it doesn't matter because I'm not gay" and he just said he's not religious like my family is. He tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but I smacked his hand away, told him to leave me alone, and didn't talk to him for the rest of the night, despite the fact that he was staying over.

Even later in the night, I did something terrible. I told my bro that his best friend told me he's an atheist. I don't know why the fuck I even did it. My bro asked if I was sure and I said yes. He found his friend and they talked. In the end, my bro told his friend he needs time to decide whether he still wants to be friends with him. So at about 3 in the morning, I had to watch my bro's best friend pack up his stuff with tears coming down his face. He gave me one look before he walked out the front door that clearly told me my bro had told him what I said. It was a look made up of about 50% sad and 50% mad as hell. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and beg for forgiveness. But I couldn't even bring myself to speak and just watched him leave. Then my bro THANKED me for telling him but I could tell he was off and hurt by it.

This was last weekend. They're about to have to stay on campus together for something they're doing at school so they'll have to talk eventually. But as far as I know, my bro has not contacted him. I've seen him ignore calls from him a couple of times. And in the meantime, my bro's friend will not respond to my texts or calls either.

I feel so bad. My bro told his girlfriend about it. She was on her phone and I asked who she was texting. All of a sudden, she looked up and said "Actually, I'm texting Jay, trying to convince him that he hasn't lost a best friend". It was the rudest tone I've ever heard her use, like pure disgust.

I just want to fix it. My bro doesn't seem ready to just cut ties with him and has not spoken to our mom about it as far as I can tell. It seems he's only told his girlfriend, who he often gets important advice from. I come close to crying just from thinking about what I've done.

What do I do?

[Uniquemind]

My family is very Christian and thus very homophobic. I am very gay and thus very deep in the darkest depths of the closet. I am not sure how my family and friends would react if they found out I was gay but I am sure I do not want to know yet.

And then of course my bro starts bring around his best friend who is quite possibly the most attractive guy I've ever met. Nowadays, we're pretty good friends...or at least we were.

So my bro's girlfriend's little brother is probably gay. Me, my bro, my bro's girlfriend, my bro's girlfriend's other little brother, and my bro's best friend were all discussing him. My bro's best friend said they should be supportive of him, because he's probably terrified to tell them because of how religious the family is. After he said that, he looked RIGHT AT ME! Right into my eyes.

Later in the night, he sat next to me in our game room. We were all alone. He asked me whether I thought my bro's girlfriend's brother was gay. I said probably. He then said that my bro's girlfriend and her other brother seemed perfectly OK with it. I said "Yea it looked like it". Then he asked whether he thinks my bro would be that supportive. My defenses rose to ungodly levels and I was like "Well it doesn't matter because I'm not gay" and he just said he's not religious like my family is. He tried to put his hand on my shoulder, but I smacked his hand away, told him to leave me alone, and didn't talk to him for the rest of the night, despite the fact that he was staying over.

Even later in the night, I did something terrible. I told my bro that his best friend told me he's an atheist. I don't know why the fuck I even did it. My bro asked if I was sure and I said yes. He found his friend and they talked. In the end, my bro told his friend he needs time to decide whether he still wants to be friends with him. So at about 3 in the morning, I had to watch my bro's best friend pack up his stuff with tears coming down his face. He gave me one look before he walked out the front door that clearly told me my bro had told him what I said. It was a look made up of about 50% sad and 50% mad as hell. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and beg for forgiveness. But I couldn't even bring myself to speak and just watched him leave. Then my bro THANKED me for telling him but I could tell he was off and hurt by it.

This was last weekend. They're about to have to stay on campus together for something they're doing at school so they'll have to talk eventually. But as far as I know, my bro has not contacted him. I've seen him ignore calls from him a couple of times. And in the meantime, my bro's friend will not respond to my texts or calls either.

I feel so bad. My bro told his girlfriend about it. She was on her phone and I asked who she was texting. All of a sudden, she looked up and said "Actually, I'm texting Jay, trying to convince him that he hasn't lost a best friend". It was the rudest tone I've ever heard her use, like pure disgust.

I just want to fix it. My bro doesn't seem ready to just cut ties with him and has not spoken to our mom about it as far as I can tell. It seems he's only told his girlfriend, who he often gets important advice from. I come close to crying just from thinking about what I've done.

What do I do?

First step is to not get defensive like that. You're going to have to know your triggers and master them within your mind.

You know this but like you can't turn back the clock on this, such is the tenants of the faith, which sounds like you harbor resentment living with it.

You lied basically and traded one sin for another, so you might as be comfortable with yourself now, according to the Christian faith as your family believes it liars and non-heterosexuals ya'll end up in the same place anyway.

The thing about interpreted Christianity is that when practiced, I don't see equal disgust regarding all topics of sin. All sin should disgust your family to the point of driving all of you to be in a state of "blamelessness" meaning despite past sins, nobody sins anymore once "born again".

---

As to why you did what you did, you felt your defensive bubble was being probed by your brother's friend, and due to self-consciousness about the line you dropped about yourself "not being gay" which is a lie, you needed to feel safe in the closest by ensuring there is distance between your brother, and his friend whom might have a whiff of the truth about yourself.

This is what occurred subconsciously in your mind.

[kevenity]

You should tell the truth otherwise you're going to keep feeling this for a LONG time. Guilt is a thing where it doesn't go away overnight. It stays until the truth comes out and it can eat you up. It will be super hard to tell the truth to your brother but you really should. Think about it, your lie affected you, your brother, your brother's best friend, and your brother's girlfriend. Talk to you brother's best friend and apologize a lot and tell him you'll fix it or tell your brother the truth and apologize immensely. I'm sure you didn't mean to do this but lesson learned and good luck!!

[Zachary G]

I think its great that you were looking out for your bro, but I think that conversation was one for them to have on their own, but now that its out there, there is nothing you can do about it. Things are just going got have to take their own course, let your brother figure things out on his own. As far as the guilt you are feeling, well, you have to make peace with that yourself, but dont try to influence anything, let them work it out for themselves. Good luck.