lsal
May 18th, 2016, 05:13 PM
Bit of a backstory first.. Im pretty sure I'm gay, but I wouldn't think it's obvious to other people. I'm not really camp or feminine or anything like that. I'm fairly popular- I dont really hang about with the cool kids but most people seem to like me, even if they don't know me too well. I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic who falls easily.. not that anyone would know that because i've never dated anyone. There's a guy I like, he's called Josh (I'll use his real name because if by some miracle he sees this then that makes things a hell of a lot easier for me). He's really cute (literally perfection in my eyes but I don't really think anyone else is crushing on him), friendly and because of my (incredibly annoying) nature I have recently completely fallen for him. I've always sort of had a crush on him but never really spoken to him until about a week ago, since then I have messaged him a couple of times, in a friendly way, trying to get a bit closer to him. Yesterday we were in a revision lesson (GCSEs at the moment so everything is fairly laid back) and he got up half way through the lesson and came and sat next to me at the back. I was playing a football game on my phone and he just came and watched and we spoke a bit, we were both sat on our own and none of our friends were in that class, but I just got really good vibes that he started a conversation with me bc he hasn't done that before. He is fairly quiet so I don't know much about him. Idk if he is gay or bi or whatever because, like I say, he's quite quiet- I wouldnt have thought he was but what gives me hope is that I wouldn't say that people think I'm gay either. There are a few things, though, like how he's really friendly but slightly awkward at the same time. I have study leave at the moment if I want it but I'm still going into school and one of the main reasons is because most of his friends are on study leave without him and I'm just being stupidly optimistic that I might get a bit closer with him. Next year I know that most of his friends are going to college, and the one that is staying I'm kind of friends with (There's also another guy I'm friends with who's friends are leaving next year, and he's close enough so that I could start hanging out with him and it wouldn't be too weird. He seems like he's talking to Josh's group a bit now). So the bottom line is this- I really like Josh, I've never felt this way before about anyone (cliché and camp but we'll go with it..). I just have this feeling that if there is anyone in my life right now who I would come out for it would be him- but I just really don't want to. Don't get me wrong, he is amazing and I would bite off my own hand just to know what he thinks about me, but I don't feel, well- safe, almost. My close friends would be fine with it- don't get me wrong. IDGAF what everyone else thinks at school really. My mum wouldn't mind, my sister (she's 11) would see it as a novelty bc she's too young to understand, my brother has a couple of friends who are gay, we have a good relationship so i dont think he would mind but he would make jokes and things (in a friendly way) that I think I would find slightly patronising. My dad lives separately from us, and he has always been a bit homophobic, but i honestly have no clue how he would feel if he found out about me. He is the family member that holds me back the most in this. I have all my grandparents still, I have no idea how they would feel- but one of my granddads is a bit of a stereotypical racist old man(Don't get me wrong, he's nice but racist :lol: )- I have never heard him say something homophobic if thats anything to go by. I think what I don't like about coming out is the thought that people will start to treat me differently. I'm in a happy place right now, but I don't think I will feel completely happy and relaxed until I can be myself- the only change to me would mean being openly gay, that is it, but I worry that other people would treat me differently (e.g. girls treating me like one of the girls and my friends stop treating me like one of the lads). And then there's the whole issue of whether or not Josh is even into me.. Summer holiday starts one month yesterday, and I will see him next year obviously but I don't really want to lose the.. momentum? What if I waited until after summer and then things went back to normal and we stopped talking? I say waited until after summer because, unless I spoke to him earlier in the day, it would be a bit weird if I just started messaging him-we're not close enough yet.
So that's it.. I'm stuck. At the moment I think I'm going to try and get closer to him over study leave and.. well, then I don't know. Even then there's the whole coming out problem. What do you guys think?
So that's it.. I'm stuck. At the moment I think I'm going to try and get closer to him over study leave and.. well, then I don't know. Even then there's the whole coming out problem. What do you guys think?