Discussing Money in a Relationship

[uwpm]

So I've been dating this girl for a little over 3 months now and I'm extremely happy with her. We've not have any hiccups, fights or anything along those lines; It's all rainbows and butterflies for the time being. She gets along really well with my parents, and so do I with hers. It's all great, but there's something that's been bothering me recently: money/family finances.

For some background: there is a noticeable income disparity between our two families (not that it bothers me or anything lol). Even though my family keeps very very low key on our income (due to security concerns mostly; the country I live in is extremely dangerous) I can still notice some differences on what our families spend money and how much they struggle with it, plus my parents share with me our finances, so i have a pretty good idea of how much my household makes.

Now my concern is not the income disparity (I don't give that any importance), my problem is discussing said thing with my girlfriend. Thing is my parents don't feel comfortable sharing that information with her (as I mentioned we keep very low key about that by not showing off, spending a lot, etc). However, I don't feel entirely comfortable in hiding, or not mentioning, this to her. What concerns me the most is when eventually the question arises (for example, how do you do this/buy that?).

What would you guys do? Would you tell your boyfriend/girlfriend if you were in this situation? or would you listen to your parents that have made pretty clear they don't want to disclose that information? And also I would not tell her very detailed information on the subject, just enough to paint a picture so to speak. Any advice?

[Uniquemind]

This is one of those "cross that bridge" when you come to it discussions.

Usually the lead in would be situations of gift giving, and then the social expectation of what a gift should be monetarily according to the emotional and significance of said event for the relationship.

This is a really good opportunity to test how much material things matter to your partner, it's more of a scanning opportunity to learn about your partner when it comes to money rather than something to blurt outright.

That said every relationship is different, and in some cases and most importantly make sure the power dynamic is equal. This scenario also will beg the question of "what is a gift, and why does it matter?" because sometimes receiving a gift from ___ (parents, grandparents, aunt/uncles, friends) is also an experience for them rather than just for you.

So like you have those that keep a tally of favors and gifts they do for you and are possessive of what they expect in return (is that a gift to you; some would say yes and others no. Where do you fall in this philosophy of gift giving?) Is your partner a selfless gift giver and would it hurt the relationship more to turn down the gift rather than accept it?


If money becomes an issue regarding a proposed plan to go on a spontaneous date (gas money, concert tickets or transportation costs), let that be honestly known BEFORE plans are set into motion. You can't always help this but if this problem rears it's head the relationship needs to have a talk to fix this communication about the give-n-take and about control each party is exercising on the direction of the romance.

Sometimes I've seen situations where the tickets are bought, the question is posed "can you go?" And then it's a mess because someone presumed something. That's an unhealthy power dynamic which will lead to unhappiness and or a failed relationship.

So communicate communicate communicate, honestly and within context of where the relationship is.


Handmade gifts are also a skill I recommend every guy learn how to do, because many (myself included) will appreciate the memory behind the effort and thoughtful customization. At the same time we're not talking little strings wrapped around a wrist to call a friendship-lovers bracelet.

Something like a photo album, a dirty journal (only if your relationship has progressed this far and if it's reached that level of sexy, because this can backfire), a dessert made by you for them etc...


Ultimately it's not your house, it's your parent's and they deserve their financial privacy.

Don't tell her unless you're on the stage of marriage where your parents finances have some kind of impact on wedding plans and those power dynamics.