Was my friend right to do this?

[Supermeggs12]

My friend, let's call her Isabel, was really in love with this boy, Blake. But due to the boy's parents, Isabel couldn't see him anymore. Blake got really depressed/suicidal and started self-harming because he couldn't see her. Blake texted Isabel what he was going through, and Isabel never replied but told her parents what he said. Isabel's parents told Blake's parents. Now, Blake is in serious trouble.

I think Isabel was scared and worried, but was she right for telling on him? I don't personally think she was, and here's why-

1. When Blake told her about his depression, Isabel deliberately never replied to the messages. She saw them, but didn't reply. Then she rats him out to his parents.
2. Isabel really didn't make Blake's situation any better. She just got him in more trouble with his parents and they're pissed at him for messaging her.
3. Isabel should've thought it through a bit more. She knows how strict and uptight Blake's parents.

I'm annoyed with Isabel right now. I'm Blake's best friend, and I would've never ratted him out to his parents. Why? Because I knew that would only make the situation worse. Seriously, Isabel doesn't even know the full extent of everything Blake went through, but I do.

I'm just really emotional right now and I'm trying to make sense of this.

[Freckles]

If he's harming himself and depressed it's better to help him now before he commits suicide. I think if you were in her place and were worried about someone you loved you may do the same thing. I'm sure I would. She probably helped him OUT of trouble.

[Swiftie.13]

Seeing how strict his parents are, I have to agree with you because ive been through something similar and my parents are the same as his, but another thing is that if he is self harming, it's better for his parents to know so that he can get the help he needs

[ClaraWho]

My friend, let's call her Isabel, was really in love with this boy, Blake. But due to the boy's parents, Isabel couldn't see him anymore. Blake got really depressed/suicidal and started self-harming because he couldn't see her. Blake texted Isabel what he was going through, and Isabel never replied but told her parents what he said. Isabel's parents told Blake's parents. Now, Blake is in serious trouble.

I think Isabel was scared and worried, but was she right for telling on him? I don't personally think she was, and here's why-

1. When Blake told her about his depression, Isabel deliberately never replied to the messages. She saw them, but didn't reply. Then she rats him out to his parents.
2. Isabel really didn't make Blake's situation any better. She just got him in more trouble with his parents and they're pissed at him for messaging her.
3. Isabel should've thought it through a bit more. She knows how strict and uptight Blake's parents.

I'm annoyed with Isabel right now. I'm Blake's best friend, and I would've never ratted him out to his parents. Why? Because I knew that would only make the situation worse. Seriously, Isabel doesn't even know the full extent of everything Blake went through, but I do.

I'm just really emotional right now and I'm trying to make sense of this.

What's with the odd choice of terminology? 'Ratted him out as being depressed'.

So he has depression and is doing the stupid act of self-harming, which acheives nothing. Is he seeking help?

He doesn't have major depression because he can't 'be with the girl he wants to be with'. He has major depression as it is a clinical mental disorder that rewires the chemistry of the brain for the duration of the episode he is experiencing. Anything he perceived negative/stressful could have triggered it, but it's important he now seeks help from qualified professionals such as the school counsellor.

His parents being 'strict', I don't see how that relates to any of this?
Throughout your message you make it sound like being depressed is equivalent to breaking a rule? I don't get it... His parents can now monitor the situation and annoy him into seeking help, as well as financially backing said help. The more people that know, the less isolated and introverted he can become (which is bad for recovery).

You have to understand it from her perspective, she only told her own parents. They are her support network, they're who she goes to when she feels overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. It's like when something bad happens to me I run to my brother for support. I'm not sure what he said but if he implied her rejection was the reason why he was depressed, that's a huge burden of guilt and responsibility to drop on someone. She did the right thing, she looked after and protected herself.

You maybe feel like your friendship level prohibits you from breaking his trust, even in his best interest. Which is debatable, it wouldn't be helpful if he shut you out in foolishness. But at least now you aren't the only one he has to prop him up till he sorts himself out.

~ Clara

[Body odah Man]

I think it's good Blake's parents know. As a dude that has done self harming and is going through depression myself, I'd like to let you know that it is really good for parents to know what's going on, provided they help their child deal with it, which is probably going to be the case. If not, there's something wrong with his parents. Regardless, it's good someone knows what's going on so I think Isabel did the right thing.

[Xiao.Z]

My friend, let's call her Isabel, was really in love with this boy, Blake. But due to the boy's parents, Isabel couldn't see him anymore. Blake got really depressed/suicidal and started self-harming because he couldn't see her. Blake texted Isabel what he was going through, and Isabel never replied but told her parents what he said. Isabel's parents told Blake's parents. Now, Blake is in serious trouble.

I think Isabel was scared and worried, but was she right for telling on him? I don't personally think she was, and here's why-

1. When Blake told her about his depression, Isabel deliberately never replied to the messages. She saw them, but didn't reply. Then she rats him out to his parents.
2. Isabel really didn't make Blake's situation any better. She just got him in more trouble with his parents and they're pissed at him for messaging her.
3. Isabel should've thought it through a bit more. She knows how strict and uptight Blake's parents.

I'm annoyed with Isabel right now. I'm Blake's best friend, and I would've never ratted him out to his parents. Why? Because I knew that would only make the situation worse. Seriously, Isabel doesn't even know the full extent of everything Blake went through, but I do.

I'm just really emotional right now and I'm trying to make sense of this.

If she not know and try help I see nothing wrong.

[Hermes]

I don't think you can blame Isabel for this and I also don't think it makes any difference whether Blake not being able to see Isabel was a trigger for an episode of depression or not.

It seems to me that Isabel was quite rightly worried about Blake. She may not have replied because she was worried and didn't know what so say in response to what she was hearing so she trusted her parents to do the right thing. Her parents passed the information on to Blake's parents, presumably in good faith and assuming Blake's parents would use this to get him some help, and it now seems Blake's parents are handing it badly. If Blake is getting a hard time then I think the blame for that lies with his own parents. That does assume, of course, that this has not been a case of chineese whispers.

[Supermeggs12]

What's with the odd choice of terminology? 'Ratted him out as being depressed'.

So he has depression and is doing the stupid act of self-harming, which acheives nothing. Is he seeking help?

He doesn't have major depression because he can't 'be with the girl he wants to be with'. He has major depression as it is a clinical mental disorder that rewires the chemistry of the brain for the duration of the episode he is experiencing. Anything he perceived negative/stressful could have triggered it, but it's important he now seeks help from qualified professionals such as the school counsellor.

His parents being 'strict', I don't see how that relates to any of this?
Throughout your message you make it sound like being depressed is equivalent to breaking a rule? I don't get it... His parents can now monitor the situation and annoy him into seeking help, as well as financially backing said help. The more people that know, the less isolated and introverted he can become (which is bad for recovery).

You have to understand it from her perspective, she only told her own parents. They are her support network, they're who she goes to when she feels overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. It's like when something bad happens to me I run to my brother for support. I'm not sure what he said but if he implied her rejection was the reason why he was depressed, that's a huge burden of guilt and responsibility to drop on someone. She did the right thing, she looked after and protected herself.

You maybe feel like your friendship level prohibits you from breaking his trust, even in his best interest. Which is debatable, it wouldn't be helpful if he shut you out in foolishness. But at least now you aren't the only one he has to prop him up till he sorts himself out.

~ Clara

So we're clear, I was upset with Isabel not because she told his parents. But because she KNEW exactly how strict his parents were and that if they knew he was cutting, they wouldn't help him. In fact, Blake's parents only got mad at him for it and punished him. Her telling his parents did not help him at all, it only hurt him. She knew exactly what would happened.. and she did it anyways. But it's whatever at this point.

[Supermeggs12]

Let me clarify-

Blake's parents are the type of people who believe that cutting and contemplating suicide is a sin. They're ultra-conservative. Once they found out that Blake was cutting, they literally punished him into the ground, which was the last thing he needed. Isabel knew that his parents were like this, yet she told them anyway. Additionally, she'd stopped replying to his texts long before he confided in her about his depression.

I get that she was scared and worried. But again, so was I. And she knew his parents would react negatively if she told them the truth about Blake.

[Supermeggs12]

If he's harming himself and depressed it's better to help him now before he commits suicide. I think if you were in her place and were worried about someone you loved you may do the same thing. I'm sure I would. She probably helped him OUT of trouble.

I think it's good Blake's parents know. As a dude that has done self harming and is going through depression myself, I'd like to let you know that it is really good for parents to know what's going on, provided they help their child deal with it, which is probably going to be the case. If not, there's something wrong with his parents. Regardless, it's good someone knows what's going on so I think Isabel did the right thing.

Refer to above posts.

[Supermeggs12]

If she not know and try help I see nothing wrong.

Seeing how strict his parents are, I have to agree with you because ive been through something similar and my parents are the same as his, but another thing is that if he is self harming, it's better for his parents to know so that he can get the help he needs

If he's harming himself and depressed it's better to help him now before he commits suicide. I think if you were in her place and were worried about someone you loved you may do the same thing. I'm sure I would. She probably helped him OUT of trouble.

Refer to above posts.

[Supermeggs12]

For the record, I do see that Isabel was upset. I just think she made a stupid decision.

Blake is my best friend. He is like a brother. I really do care about him, more than I can say. You're all telling me to "put myself in Isabel's shoes," but hello, I WAS in her shoes. Someone I cared about very deeply was hurting their self and I felt powerless to stop it. But I never would've told his parents, because I knew how they'd react.

[ClaraWho]

For the record, I do see that Isabel was upset. I just think she made a stupid decision.

Blake is my best friend. He is like a brother. I really do care about him, more than I can say. You're all telling me to "put myself in Isabel's shoes," but hello, I WAS in her shoes. Someone I cared about very deeply was hurting their self and I felt powerless to stop it. But I never would've told his parents, because I knew how they'd react.

You still aren't putting yourself in her shoes.

If we take your logic and try to apply it, nothing makes sense. So finding out a guy she cares about is harming himself, she what? Told her parents with the purpose of being nasty and getting him more problems? Went 'what a nasty guy I'll get revenge'?

Think it through. And yes, even if they are dumb and treat it as a sin, at least someone is monitoring his actions to stop him doing something stupid. If you want to help him, get him to look up self-help programs or force him to seek help.

You seem to be misdirecting your frustration at not being able to help him into anger at Isabel. You need to get over it.

~ Clara

[Xiao.Z]

I still believe if do the wrong thing for right reason she think help him. I not understand what you are believe best action be. It sound she not know what best do but want for help. I think she try be good friend best she know.

[Body odah Man]

You still aren't putting yourself in her shoes.

If we take your logic and try to apply it, nothing makes sense. So finding out a guy she cares about is harming himself, she what? Told her parents with the purpose of being nasty and getting him more problems? Went 'what a nasty guy I'll get revenge'?

Think it through. And yes, even if they are dumb and treat it as a sin, at least someone is monitoring his actions to stop him doing something stupid. If you want to help him, get him to look up self-help programs or force him to seek help.

You seem to be misdirecting your frustration at not being able to help him into anger at Isabel. You need to get over it.

~ Clara

agreed

[Supermeggs12]

You still aren't putting yourself in her shoes.

If we take your logic and try to apply it, nothing makes sense. So finding out a guy she cares about is harming himself, she what? Told her parents with the purpose of being nasty and getting him more problems? Went 'what a nasty guy I'll get revenge'?

Think it through. And yes, even if they are dumb and treat it as a sin, at least someone is monitoring his actions to stop him doing something stupid. If you want to help him, get him to look up self-help programs or force him to seek help.

You seem to be misdirecting your frustration at not being able to help him into anger at Isabel. You need to get over it.

~ Clara

There's no need to be condenscending. I'm going through a lot and I needed to vent.

Like I said before, his parents aren't helping him at all. He literally got punished and is more depressed than he was before. They didn't help him at all. I don't see why that's so hard for you to understand.

I don't think Isabel told his parents to get "revenge," as you say. However, she definitely made a stupid decision. In my opinion, generally, it doesn't matter if a person has good intentions. If the result of their actions is bad, then that's that. It doesn't matter what their intentions may have been.

Isabel had stopped replying to his texts long before he confided in her about his self-harm. When she did reply (before he confided in her) she sounded really agitated and like she didn't want to be bothered with with him. From reading what she'd text him, it did not seem like she still loved him. Her reaction (telling his parents) was probably a combination of being annoyed with him already and being worried. I don't know though.. I could be wrong.

Also, cutting isn't stupid. Cutting is a result of someone hurting on the inside. It's a symptom of a bigger issue.

[Remora]

I don't want to be condescending and i can definitely understand where you're coming from, but similarly, i can understand where Isabelle is coming from.

She panicked and told her own parents because she felt like she was powerless and didn't want to say anything that could upset Blake. Naturally, she trusts her own parents, especially if they are such caring people. She might know Blake's parents are strict, but her parents probably did not, and her parents naturally immediately called Blake's parents in an attempt to, well, prevent the harm before it was done.

if i'm absolutely wrong in every way imaginable, tell me, but i think this is something that might've gone on in her head.

I can definitely understand why you're angry with her, but i'm mostly certain she didn't "rat him out". :o

[ClaraWho]

There's no need to be condenscending. I'm going through a lot and I needed to vent.

Like I said before, his parents aren't helping him at all. He literally got punished and is more depressed than he was before. They didn't help him at all. I don't see why that's so hard for you to understand.

I don't think Isabel told his parents to get "revenge," as you say. However, she definitely made a stupid decision. In my opinion, generally, it doesn't matter if a person has good intentions. If the result of their actions is bad, then that's that. It doesn't matter what their intentions may have been.

Isabel had stopped replying to his texts long before he confided in her about his self-harm. When she did reply (before he confided in her) she sounded really agitated and like she didn't want to be bothered with with him. From reading what she'd text him, it did not seem like she still loved him. Her reaction (telling his parents) was probably a combination of being annoyed with him already and being worried. I don't know though.. I could be wrong.

Also, cutting isn't stupid. Cutting is a result of someone hurting on the inside. It's a symptom of a bigger issue.

I agree with the above posts and it seems the above posts all agree with me.

I'm not being condescending but it is difficult when someone asks a question, but appears only to want to be agreed with. It's not our fault you are going through a lot. It isn't Isabelle's fault either. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say we wish both you and Blake well.

However you didn't ask for sympathy, you asked what we thought about Isabelle's decision to tell her parents.

Did Isabelle tell his parents? No. Is Isabelle responsible for her parents who she trusts doing what they did? No. And further, in an opinion poll the vast majority of us on here feel telling his parents was the logical way to proceed.

Let's look at your opinion generally;
Is there a difference between driving a car at someone, vs accidentally hitting someone? Massively. One is attempted murder, the other is an accident. Both have consequences for the one hit, but intention is extremely important when assigning blame or forgiving. And that was your question.

'I don't know though... I could be wrong'. You cannot mind read into how she thought, nor can we. But as per my example, the most obvious answer is the one the last poster summarised well.

Of course cutting is stupid. Any form of harming yourself is idiotic. It acheives nothing but increasing the pain already being experienced. Dressing it up as something special or wrapping it in cotton wool helped nobody. Ever. It's a maladaptive coping strategy to make mental pain physical/a cry for help. But this is off-topic for this thread and mods will close it if we continue, please feel free to PM me in reply.

~ Clara

[Supermeggs12]

I agree with the above posts and it seems the above posts all agree with me.

I'm not being condescending but it is difficult when someone asks a question, but appears only to want to be agreed with. It's not our fault you are going through a lot. It isn't Isabelle's fault either. I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say we wish both you and Blake well.

However you didn't ask for sympathy, you asked what we thought about Isabelle's decision to tell her parents.

Did Isabelle tell his parents? No. Is Isabelle responsible for her parents who she trusts doing what they did? No. And further, in an opinion poll the vast majority of us on here feel telling his parents was the logical way to proceed.

Let's look at your opinion generally;
Is there a difference between driving a car at someone, vs accidentally hitting someone? Massively. One is attempted murder, the other is an accident. Both have consequences for the one hit, but intention is extremely important when assigning blame or forgiving. And that was your question.

'I don't know though... I could be wrong'. You cannot mind read into how she thought, nor can we. But as per my example, the most obvious answer is the one the last poster summarised well.

Of course cutting is stupid. Any form of harming yourself is idiotic. It acheives nothing but increasing the pain already being experienced. Dressing it up as something special or wrapping it in cotton wool helped nobody. Ever. It's a maladaptive coping strategy to make mental pain physical/a cry for help. But this is off-topic for this thread and mods will close it if we continue, please feel free to PM me in reply.

~ Clara

Yes, they agree with you? And? When I opened this thread, I should've expected that people would give their own opinions and not necessarily agree with me. If anything, you are right about that.

I'm sorry that I made you or anyone else in this thread feel like I was dumping or blaming my personal problems on you. I just don't feel exactly feel comfortable discussing these types of things with anyone IRL, so this felt like a good place to vent. I did vent, and now I feel better.

Isabelle didn't directly tell his parents, she asked her parents to do it for her. I don't agree with what she did. I was upset with Isabelle because she only made things worse, but like you said, I should "get over it" and try to move on.

I do appreciate you taking your time to reply to me, I'm sure you're already busy. I did not mean to frustrate you at all. Thanks again :)

As far as cutting goes, I guess I'll PM you about it.

[Supermeggs12]

I don't want to be condescending and i can definitely understand where you're coming from, but similarly, i can understand where Isabelle is coming from.

She panicked and told her own parents because she felt like she was powerless and didn't want to say anything that could upset Blake. Naturally, she trusts her own parents, especially if they are such caring people. She might know Blake's parents are strict, but her parents probably did not, and her parents naturally immediately called Blake's parents in an attempt to, well, prevent the harm before it was done.

if i'm absolutely wrong in every way imaginable, tell me, but i think this is something that might've gone on in her head.

I can definitely understand why you're angry with her, but i'm mostly certain she didn't "rat him out". :o


Oh, you're not the poster that I felt was being condescending towards me. Thank you for your replies :)

[Melodic]

Speaking from someone who was in a similar relationship, I would've done everything to make sure they didn't harm themselves. However, she could've contacted you or another close friend to reach out to the parents instead.