Isolated

[Porpoise101]

So today I write my little story.

All through my life I have always been a little different. I had a weird name, I looked weird, I had weird interests. I still do now. But, as a young child, I never associated with many people. I only had a few friends. When a friend moved away or drifted apart I would get crushed. I felt so close to them and it all just evaporated. The last friend I felt invested in moved away last year. He was a guy I could trust and depend on. But that is over.

Over the course of this current school year, I've really had to go out and make new friends. I even got social media, got more phone numbers, and I am more well-known as a whole. I feel a closeness to many more people, but I don't feel any nearness to them as a person. Many people I don't trust. Many people I don't know well enough and I can't get to know them easier. Worst of all, I push people away unintentionally. Sometimes my temper does it, other times it's my awkwardness.

So now, I can't get closer to people I trust and I've been feeling really lonely. There's no one I can talk to. My relationship to my parents is strained at best and nonexistent at worst. No one is my friend, yet everyone thinks that they are. And I'm stuck in this situation where people like me, but not quite enough to make anything more happen. It's been like this for months and its taking a toll on my school work, my health, and my mood. I'm more irritable and sad then ever, which only increases the problem. The only thing that makes it better is going out and doing things, but that is hard to do.

[Microcosm]

Porpoise101,

When you mentioned how certain unintentional behaviors push people away from you, it made me think that perhaps part of your problem is a lack of or inept social conscience, by which I mean an ability to constantly pay attention to what you are saying, how you are saying it, and why you are saying it when talking to others, even those you are not used to talking to.

I have this problem to some degree. Sometimes, I'll just say really stupid shit for no reason other than I'm just not fully engaged in what I'm saying. I've been working on it, but it's tough to improve on.

Whenever you're talking to someone, try to think of the most positive way you can express yourself. It's not always what you're saying that matters, but also how you're saying it.

Another effect of the implementation of a strong social conscience in your life is that it can allow you to see more clearly how you can approach acquaintances and the benefits of doing so. You said you have many people in your life that like you, but aren't really close to you. I think it is worth noting the possibility that this could be an illusion that you're mind is making you believe, but I'll assume it's not so that I can give further advice on the subject.

It's important to note too that you are very lucky to have these acquaintances. Some people don't even have those people. Some people have no one. Just think about the progress you've made socially and how these people have learned to accept you even if it isn't in a really close way. I think the key to getting these people closer to you is to first pick out which ones you'd like to be really close friends with, then take some initiative with talking to them and maintaining that active social conscience. You might fail a few times and people might get pushed away, but that's guaranteed to happen sometimes. It's totally happened to me plenty.

Loneliness sucks, but I'm glad that you're reaching out and trying to find ways to overcome it. That's a really good way of thinking.

Hope I helped you. Best of luck.