Random-Kindness
April 13th, 2016, 08:12 PM
Hello all!
You may notice that this is my first post - I have been a member here for a while, but just sort of poked about a bit, and not really contributed. But then I was thinking, and I thought that I wanted somewhere to share my thoughts. My instant idea was here. So I have modified my username and profile picture to make myself a little more unrecognisable if anyone who knows me comes across this, and I found out that this forum is actually a great place!
Anyway I have the stereotypical backstory that I believe everyone does to some degree. Sure, I've gone through some rough times, I could diagnose myself with a range of mental disorders, but in reality I am probably just a little more messed up than the adverage teen, not much more to say about it.
I would still say I am an anxious person, all it takes is for a car to drive past my window, or to come across a group of people, or to think I hear my name for palpitations, panic, I sometimes get a little paranoid..yeah whatever.
I am aware that this so far has been nothing to do with relationships and dating, but here is where that comes in. I have been thinking for a while about this girl that I might like. On the one hand, I really do love her, and speaking to her in person, oh my god it's like out of a movie, I sometimes miss what she is saying as I am just happy to be in her presence, admiring how beautiful she is. I think she likes me back - I hate assuming things on other people's behalf, and like even if she said to me "I have a massive crush on someone who I am talking to right now, and I'm only talking to them" I stil would not want to guess. And there is some seriousness behind this, sometimes she is real off and uninterested, and it is often like she doesn't even appreciate me as a friend. So that's the first issue I guess.
Secondly, this girl is related to someone I have a little 'history' with. I am afraid that this would not only be uncomfortble, but I fear this relative of theirs might launch some sort of attack on me for 'betraying her' or something.
Thirdly, I am pretty sexually active. I am still a virgin, that's not what I mean when I use the term 'sexually active' aulthough I do realise that I am therefore using the term incorrectly. My point is, as any average teenage guy, I have a fairly high sex drive, and might want to experiment in the future. But this girl has no interest at all. Half of me thinks that this is a massive positive - sexual things I have experienced with people drives a lot of my anxiety, and I worry that they will tell people. So I feel like if I was dating her, it might help me to chill myself out a bit, and not be so 'sexually active' and therefore worry. However I am looking for a pretty serious relationship, and in a few years time I wont even be a teen any more, so do I really want to wait that long to do anything with a girl?
In addition to all of this, there are people who I see as a very thin line. They have caused me a lot of trouble in the past, and it would take nothing for them to cause me a lot of trouble again. If they found out I was dating someone, I can imagine them totally kicking off, and just the thought of that, and past experiences makes me want to delete this whole lot, go to bed and not bother with anything. I have reached a point where I am happy enough to be concerned about something to make me happy, such as a relationship. I feel like I am super lucky to be this happy, and to push it and go for a relationship is just taking the mick, and I will go down in fire.
Finally I have so little experience. Using all of my energy on worrying for most of my life, I have no clue how to handle having a girlfriend, and how to treat her. I see guys being playful, but to me that's just being mean, and I couldn't do that. Stuff like going in for a kiss, even a hug, how could I?
Basically this is the first time I have been concerned about something so minor, usually my worries concern weather or not someone is trying to kill me, or if I should run away, so it is nice for this sort of thing to bother me. I don't really mind if this gets one view which is me reloading the page, it is nice to share. Part of me thinks that "you only regret the things you didn't do" so to hell with it, I am just on here to have one person skim read the conclusion and tell me to go do it. But also no one really cares about me apart from my therapist who I don't really trust, so it has been nice to talk - even think about myself for once, and I believe I got a little carried away. I am not expecting any advice or responses, or even really any views, but this just seemed like the appropiate place for my thoughts to go.
Thanks for visiting my thread, I really appreciate it! And check out my signature for a website I am a part of for free support, 24/7.
You may notice that this is my first post - I have been a member here for a while, but just sort of poked about a bit, and not really contributed. But then I was thinking, and I thought that I wanted somewhere to share my thoughts. My instant idea was here. So I have modified my username and profile picture to make myself a little more unrecognisable if anyone who knows me comes across this, and I found out that this forum is actually a great place!
Anyway I have the stereotypical backstory that I believe everyone does to some degree. Sure, I've gone through some rough times, I could diagnose myself with a range of mental disorders, but in reality I am probably just a little more messed up than the adverage teen, not much more to say about it.
I would still say I am an anxious person, all it takes is for a car to drive past my window, or to come across a group of people, or to think I hear my name for palpitations, panic, I sometimes get a little paranoid..yeah whatever.
I am aware that this so far has been nothing to do with relationships and dating, but here is where that comes in. I have been thinking for a while about this girl that I might like. On the one hand, I really do love her, and speaking to her in person, oh my god it's like out of a movie, I sometimes miss what she is saying as I am just happy to be in her presence, admiring how beautiful she is. I think she likes me back - I hate assuming things on other people's behalf, and like even if she said to me "I have a massive crush on someone who I am talking to right now, and I'm only talking to them" I stil would not want to guess. And there is some seriousness behind this, sometimes she is real off and uninterested, and it is often like she doesn't even appreciate me as a friend. So that's the first issue I guess.
Secondly, this girl is related to someone I have a little 'history' with. I am afraid that this would not only be uncomfortble, but I fear this relative of theirs might launch some sort of attack on me for 'betraying her' or something.
Thirdly, I am pretty sexually active. I am still a virgin, that's not what I mean when I use the term 'sexually active' aulthough I do realise that I am therefore using the term incorrectly. My point is, as any average teenage guy, I have a fairly high sex drive, and might want to experiment in the future. But this girl has no interest at all. Half of me thinks that this is a massive positive - sexual things I have experienced with people drives a lot of my anxiety, and I worry that they will tell people. So I feel like if I was dating her, it might help me to chill myself out a bit, and not be so 'sexually active' and therefore worry. However I am looking for a pretty serious relationship, and in a few years time I wont even be a teen any more, so do I really want to wait that long to do anything with a girl?
In addition to all of this, there are people who I see as a very thin line. They have caused me a lot of trouble in the past, and it would take nothing for them to cause me a lot of trouble again. If they found out I was dating someone, I can imagine them totally kicking off, and just the thought of that, and past experiences makes me want to delete this whole lot, go to bed and not bother with anything. I have reached a point where I am happy enough to be concerned about something to make me happy, such as a relationship. I feel like I am super lucky to be this happy, and to push it and go for a relationship is just taking the mick, and I will go down in fire.
Finally I have so little experience. Using all of my energy on worrying for most of my life, I have no clue how to handle having a girlfriend, and how to treat her. I see guys being playful, but to me that's just being mean, and I couldn't do that. Stuff like going in for a kiss, even a hug, how could I?
Basically this is the first time I have been concerned about something so minor, usually my worries concern weather or not someone is trying to kill me, or if I should run away, so it is nice for this sort of thing to bother me. I don't really mind if this gets one view which is me reloading the page, it is nice to share. Part of me thinks that "you only regret the things you didn't do" so to hell with it, I am just on here to have one person skim read the conclusion and tell me to go do it. But also no one really cares about me apart from my therapist who I don't really trust, so it has been nice to talk - even think about myself for once, and I believe I got a little carried away. I am not expecting any advice or responses, or even really any views, but this just seemed like the appropiate place for my thoughts to go.
Thanks for visiting my thread, I really appreciate it! And check out my signature for a website I am a part of for free support, 24/7.