Melodic
April 9th, 2016, 05:20 PM
This is something I just need to let out of my system but I'd appreciate any advice if you have it.
My mom unexpectedly passed away a couple months ago. I feel really depressed over it especially what happened beforehand.
Throughout my childhood, my mom was always there for me. She was your typical Pinterest type mom. She loved helping out with girl scouts, cooking, couponing and creating crafts. My parents split up when I was thirteen and my mom flipped into another person. (Yes, I've shared that a couple times but I didn't go in depth with it because I was threatened by her if I talked about it)
She was diagnosed with bipolar but she stopped taking her medication. She started having a bunch of druggies/alcoholics around. They spent their entire time smoking weed in the afternoon and drinking in the evenings. I was forced to be up in my room all day except to pick up groceries. Her excuse was "You're a teenager. You shouldn't even want to be around me" They started growing and selling marijuana in the basement and one of our roommates had a meth lab in theirs. I always felt like my life was at risk because of this. I felt so alone. Eventually, I was allowed around more often. It wasn't much better, honestly. There was loads of times cops were around because she had parties that went out of hand and there were a couple times I was investigated by CPS. She never worked and we ended up moving around a lot with roommates who were typically nuts. I barely had anything. We moved 5 times in the last 2 years. Eventually, I started cleaning the entire house everyday because my mom was working. I rarely hung out with friends because I didn't want to risk their lives and invite them over so I ended up losing them because I wasn't allowed to talk about it. My mom was really emotionally abusive and used to tell me all the time what I was doing wrong. She tried killing herself a couple times and blaming me for it. I know I made some mistakes. I was always angry at my mom and I did lose it a few times and ended up hurting her. I know what I did was wrong and I really hate myself for it. Eventually, I moved out completely and into my dads. I'm so grateful me and her had a good relationship for a few months until she passed.
I loved my mom. I mean, she was my mom. But I still have this feeling of resentment for her and myself. It's hard for me to talk about it to anyone because she passed away and I feel guilty talking about her this way now. I also have extreme trust issues because of this.
Anyways yeah. There's that. It's just been bothering me lately and I needed to let it out.
My mom unexpectedly passed away a couple months ago. I feel really depressed over it especially what happened beforehand.
Throughout my childhood, my mom was always there for me. She was your typical Pinterest type mom. She loved helping out with girl scouts, cooking, couponing and creating crafts. My parents split up when I was thirteen and my mom flipped into another person. (Yes, I've shared that a couple times but I didn't go in depth with it because I was threatened by her if I talked about it)
She was diagnosed with bipolar but she stopped taking her medication. She started having a bunch of druggies/alcoholics around. They spent their entire time smoking weed in the afternoon and drinking in the evenings. I was forced to be up in my room all day except to pick up groceries. Her excuse was "You're a teenager. You shouldn't even want to be around me" They started growing and selling marijuana in the basement and one of our roommates had a meth lab in theirs. I always felt like my life was at risk because of this. I felt so alone. Eventually, I was allowed around more often. It wasn't much better, honestly. There was loads of times cops were around because she had parties that went out of hand and there were a couple times I was investigated by CPS. She never worked and we ended up moving around a lot with roommates who were typically nuts. I barely had anything. We moved 5 times in the last 2 years. Eventually, I started cleaning the entire house everyday because my mom was working. I rarely hung out with friends because I didn't want to risk their lives and invite them over so I ended up losing them because I wasn't allowed to talk about it. My mom was really emotionally abusive and used to tell me all the time what I was doing wrong. She tried killing herself a couple times and blaming me for it. I know I made some mistakes. I was always angry at my mom and I did lose it a few times and ended up hurting her. I know what I did was wrong and I really hate myself for it. Eventually, I moved out completely and into my dads. I'm so grateful me and her had a good relationship for a few months until she passed.
I loved my mom. I mean, she was my mom. But I still have this feeling of resentment for her and myself. It's hard for me to talk about it to anyone because she passed away and I feel guilty talking about her this way now. I also have extreme trust issues because of this.
Anyways yeah. There's that. It's just been bothering me lately and I needed to let it out.