Thought I'm gay, but now feel attraction to older man, wanna discuss it

[Skydiver]

Hi all, You can call me Elly )

I'm 15yo girl. I thought I'm gay, I like girls and I'm aroused about girls, and feel uncomfortable around boys. But couple weeks ago I met one older man, and felt very attracted to him. He's very smart, kind, fond, and very handsome. Not just "handsome for his age" like one my girlfriend say - for me he looks better than younger men and boys.

Our country is now moving to acceptance of this bi&gay things quickly, but for now it's a lot of people against it (older at most). And also a lot of people think the "older-younger things" are not good too (he's 40). So I need "foreign opinion" (that's why I'm here). I have my birthday soon, and in our country 16 is age of consent. And he knows about my "girlfriends things" (unlike most of others), and he's ok with it (even likes it I think). I really want to be with him, at least I want to try. And I think he likes me too.

So please, what do you think?

[Irishperson15]

Hi Elly. In the UK and Ireland also things are moving forward in terms of LGBT rights and acceptance etc. with the older generation being more likely opponents than not. As for the age gap, I'm not sure. I'm not saying it is wrong because it's none of my business but I would advise caution. I mean if you're barely 16 yet and you could still be at school/college. This is a fully grown man who is likely to be physically stronger, maybe smarter. Just make sure he doesn't use you to please himself. I personally would say you are too young for him at present, perhaps in a few years, but that's up to you. Whatever you decide, please be careful and don't let him take advantage of you or force you into anything you aren't comfortable doing.

[Skydiver]

You're right about caution, I agree with you. He was dating my girlfriend's mom earlier, and I like what did he tell to her - that he'll never do to his partner anything her dislike. I'm not, like, "losing my had" about him, or dreaming about serious longtime relationships.It's my first time feeling something to a guy. So I just want to try and look how it goes. I think, I just let him know about my feelings after my bday, and look on his reaction. What do you think?

2all: i'd like to see others' opinions too

[lemondrop]

I wouldn't offer for you to get in a relationship with an older man.. He might use you and you won't even feel that,also he's older so smarter in this thing he can trick you also... You can talk with him ocassionaly ,but i wouldn't recommend getting in the relationship

[Skydiver]

Why do you think he will want to "use" me?

[Irishperson15]

Why do you think he will want to "use" me?

It is because you are only 15/16 and he is an older man, single, by the sounds of it. He could use you to satisfy his 'needs'. Just be careful, dangerous waters you're entering.

[Rendez-Vous]

I wouldn't offer for you to get in a relationship with and older man.. He might use you and you won't even feel that,also he's older so smarter in this thing he can trick you also... You can talk with him ocassionaly ,but i wouldn't recommend getting in. A relationship
completely agree. speaking honestly, every story with a pedophile starts same way
[sorry for being that cynic]

[Cadanance00]

It may be a lot more serious attraction for you than for him. Being with him might be good for a while but due to the age difference there's really not much future in it, but for the moment probly wouldn'd hurt.

[lemondrop]

completely agree. speaking honestly, every story with a pedophile starts same way
[sorry for being that cynic]


hahaha..so true XDD ,i wanted to say like that but meh..somebody said it for me :D

[Skydiver]

completely agree. speaking honestly, every story with a pedophile starts same way
[sorry for being that cynic]
Pedophile? Are you serious??
Pedophilia or paedophilia is a psychiatric disorder in which an adult or older adolescent experiences a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children, generally age 11 years or younger.I don't look or behave any way similar to a preteen girl. )

It may be a lot more serious attraction for you than for him. Being with him might be good for a while but due to the age difference there's really not much future in it, but for the moment probly wouldn'd hurt.
Thank you. Of course I understand it. My interests, behavior, and appearance will change a lot during next years. And his probably not. But I don't think about a serious longtime relationships, I just want to give it a try. And now I even don't know how he feels to me. The first thing I want to do is to tell him about my feelings, and look at his reaction. But only after my birthday. In Ukraine even discussing sexual topics with pre-16 can be considered illegal for an adult "stranger".

It is because you are only 15/16 and he is an older man, single, by the sounds of it. He could use you to satisfy his 'needs'. Just be careful, dangerous waters you're entering.
I understand you don't know him and our relations, unlike me. So I'll say it this way. I will not allow him to do anything I don't want. And if he try to force me to anything, I'm able to stop him soon enough, and will tell it to my mom, and to police. I don't think he wants any troubles with any of them.

Added later:
I discussed my feelings with my mom. Told her, I don't want to make her feel bad, so "if you say 'no' - I do nothing". She told, she was preparing to this conversation too, but she glad it was I who started it. You know, "You can hide your feelings from anyone but mom."
- I wanna talk to him after my bday, and listen what he says.
- Let's make a deal? (We have a rule in our family: "Deal" is all about honor - if you break your word, no one will respect you. Mom think (and I agree), the loss of family respect and support is a very strong punishment.)
- Say.
- We'll talk to him together. And you'll never meet 1-to-1 until I say I trust both of you, only near to me or your aunt. You never lock your door with him inside, and I can go in without knocking if he's there. It's not like I don't trust you. But if you feel what you say, I'm not sure you can control yourself. Deal?
- Deal! Actually, I also more trust you then myself now.
- I know it, hon. And one more. I'll tell him about our deal, and both you and me make the same deal with him. Agreed?
- Deal! Thank you, mom! You're so understanding!

I really appreciate mom's reaction, and her support in not doing stupid things next weeks.

[Rendez-Vous]

Pedophile? Are you serious??
I don't look or behave any way similar to a preteen girl. )


Thank you. Of course I understand it. My interests, behavior, and appearance will change a lot during next years. And his probably not. But I don't think about a serious longtime relationships, I just want to give it a try. And now I even don't know how he feels to me. The first thing I want to do is to tell him about my feelings, and look at his reaction. But only after my birthday. In Ukraine even discussing sexual topics with pre-16 can be considered illegal for an adult "stranger".


I understand you don't know him and our relations, unlike me. So I'll say it this way. I will not allow him to do anything I don't want. And if he try to force me to anything, I'm able to stop him soon enough, and will tell it to my mom, and to police. I don't think he wants any troubles with any of them.

Added later:
I discussed my feelings with my mom. Told her, I don't want to make her feel bad, so "if you say 'no' - I do nothing". She told, she was preparing to this conversation too, but she glad it was I who started it. You know, "You can hide your feelings from anyone but mom."
- I wanna talk to him after my bday, and listen what he says.
- Let's make a deal? (We have a rule in our family: "Deal" is all about honor - if you break your word, no one will respect you. Mom think (and I agree), the loss of family respect and support is a very strong punishment.)
- Say.
- We'll talk to him together. And you'll never meet 1-to-1 until I say I trust both of you, only near to me or your aunt. You never lock your door with him inside, and I can go in without knocking if he's there. It's not like I don't trust you. But if you feel what you say, I'm not sure you can control yourself. Deal?
- Deal! Actually, I also more trust you then myself now.
- I know it, hon. And one more. I'll tell him about our deal, and both you and me make the same deal with him. Agreed?
- Deal! Thank you, mom! You're so understanding!

I really appreciate mom's reaction, and her support in not doing stupid things next weeks.

Read Andrei Chikatilo's story in wiki. It's kinda story from another plate, but maybe it'll make you think twice. /disclaimer/ only if you're not emotional person.
Anyway, it seems like you'll stay with your opinion no matter despite people's opinion. I can just wish you good luck. Seriously.

[Skydiver]

Read Andrei Chikatilo's story in wiki. It's kinda story from another plate, but maybe it'll make you think twice. /disclaimer/ only if you're not emotional person.
Anyway, it seems like you'll stay with your opinion no matter despite people's opinion. I can just wish you good luck. Seriously.
I pay attention to people opinions. I follow the advice to be cautious about him, and to not wait for too much. But it looks for me like some people here see in my words what they want to see, not what I write. For example: why did you mention Chikatilo? I know about him. He was a pedophile. He was luring his victims to a distant secluded places, so no one could hear their screams. I wrote this guy is not a pedophile, and I wrote we will meet in the presence of my mom. I surely will not go to distant secluded places with him, where people can't hear if something goes wrong. Chikatilo killed his first victim because he was afraid to be caught with a pre-teen girl and imprisoned for raping her. I will be in the age of consent in a few days. All I wrote has absolutely nothing in common with Chikatilo.

BTW, Chikatilo's oldest victim was 45, almost the same age with him. So will you propose me to be afraid of any man during whole my life based on this fact?

[Rendez-Vous]

I pay attention to people opinions. I follow the advice to be cautious about him, and to not wait for too much. But it looks for me like some people here see in my words what they want to see, not what I write. For example: why did you mention Chikatilo? I know about him. He was a pedophile. He was luring his victims to a distant secluded places, so no one could hear their screams. I wrote this guy is not a pedophile, and I wrote we will meet in the presence of my mom. I surely will not go to distant secluded places with him, where people can't hear if something goes wrong. Chikatilo killed his first victim because he was afraid to be caught with a pre-teen girl and imprisoned for raping her. I will be in the age of consent in a few days. All I wrote has absolutely nothing in common with Chikatilo.

BTW, Chikatilo's oldest victim was 45, almost the same age with him. So will you propose me to be afraid of any man during whole my life based on this fact?

>It's kinda story from another plate
???
oldest victim was 45? so what
i(and other people itt) have warned you about danger of this. Nobody knows what's on his mind. Nobody. Chikatilo was only an example.
and i just cant understand why are you asking for an advice? to ignore it or what? you have been warned. nuff said

[Skydiver]

You're not giving me an advice - you're giving me an inappropriate comparison. You call "a pedophile" guy who's really not a pedophile, and build the whole your advice on this wrong statement. And when I'm disproving your words, you're answering to the only absurd (aforethought absurd) phrase, closing your eyes to all my words which have sense. It doesn't look for me like a smart way to discuss. So I don't consider your advise smart too. If you give me an advice that will not contradict all I told, I'll pay attention to it.

[Rendez-Vous]

this conversation became pointless
http://www.gameranx.com/img/12-Apr/table-flip.png

[NickTheStar]

Wait till u r 16. That's the age of consent then u cab do what u want sexually.

[DoodleSnap]

I don't think it's a good idea. Even if the age of consent is 16, as it is here in the UK, I still think that the age gap is too large. He has a lot more experience than you have, and is likely fully developed, whereas you will still be developing, both emotionally and physically. I will not accuse the man of being a paedophile, as I do not know the man, and you are not a child anymore, but I have to say that the fact that you knew him through him dating your girlfriend's mum does concern me. My advice is to give it a few years yet. If he wants to try something then, that would be okay, but right now, I think sticking to people vaguely within your age range will be better.

[Hermes]

So you're attracted to girls your own age and much older guys. When you say attracted is this romantically attracted rather than just sexual lust? I wonder if, romantically, you are attracted to people who are more mature, mentally, than the boys your own age are. If so, what about guys a little older, rather than those who are much older?

[Skydiver]

I decided to stay a friends with him for some time (maybe even a long time), and understand better what do I feel, and what he does.

Hermes, you're right - it's a romantic attraction, not just sexual. And I already thought about what you said. Yes, my age boys' behavior looks like a bit kiddish for me (some people say, I'm "too smart" for my age). I think I'll try to meet some not-so-much-older guys, like 20-something, maybe near 30. But I don't want to look for them in clubs or in the internet - I think it can be unsafe. We have a math conference in a university in my city next week. And I like math, and plan to join this university next year (math dept). So maybe I'll use this conference not only for this purpose, but also to meet some smart men. )

[FuTo]

I feel u. I like mostly older guys too. But like some have said he might just be using u for sex but lets be honest when is a guy never using someone for sex. If u think he really does like u and u him and take a shot and see how things turn out.

[Skydiver]

Thank you, FuTo. Actually, under "understanding better what do we feel" I meant this: is it mostly about sexual attraction, or does he like my personality, not only my body. Now my "secret agent" (my gf's mom, who's his ex and his good friend now) thinks he is. But opinions here and in my RL made me think I need more time to decide.

And when I wrote "I decided to stay a friends with him for some time" I maybe should write "we decided". Because when I told him about my feelings, and just intended to tell about this decision, he answered (after reassuring me he likes me too very much) that I shouldn't make a fast decisions, and he wants me to give us both some time to understand what do we really feel.

[Skydiver]

my "secret agent" (my gf's mom, who's his ex and his good friend now)
She just phoned me an told he "proposed me to give it some time because the last thing he wants is to make me feel some time later he just "used" me".

[Croconaw]

I wouldn't recommend getting into a relationship. I'm sorry, but he could use you for sex. From what you're saying, you're okay with that just because he's attractive.