the Ted Cruz roast

[phuckphace]

I'm your host, phuckphace. I can't not hate this guy and I want you all to hate him as much as I can't not.

the dude is a total hack, but it's important to be aware that Rafael Cruz is no ordinary hack. there are plenty of hacks in Congress, but Cruz stands out from almost all the rest in a lot of especially cringeworthy ways.

firstly, there's his famous "Bane of Washington" gimmick. supposedly, he's the guy who keeps Congress awake nights in a cold sweat, never knowing exactly when the Cruz Missile will blow up their evil plans for an atheist communist Marxist planned economy with obligatory sixth-trimester abortions (also they'll drone-strike you for reading the Bible).

these are literally real posters for sale by the Cruz campaign. fucking laffo. (http://i.imgur.com/69gHgeU.jpg)

by looking at Cruz's donor list, it's obvious that he's actually part of the same establishment he pretends to oppose. which leads us to the real reason he's "feared" (read: hated). he's a prick. he's that guy that always has to be the smartest guy in the room. he'll pompously ramble for 20 minutes when asked a simple yes-or-no question. he's like that max-level nerdlet in Econ 101 who pipes up with, "AKTHALLY, ACCORDING TO AUSTHRIAN ECONOMIKTH..." he even memorized the whole constitution(!!!) guys!

the thing I find most obnoxious about Cruz is the cynical way in which he exploits the religiosity of his followers for support. most of these people are really earnest about their faith and I don't really fault them for wanting a Christian president in the White House. but Cruz is the kind of sleezy lawyer who knows all about how to take people for a ride - he is to conservative politics what Thomas Kinkade was for art. I really do think Cruz is actually, secretly a Randian Objectivist in private when nobody's looking. I don't believe for a second he cares about abortion, or Christianity, or anything beyond his political career (which is, irony of ironies, the very same accusation his supporters like to level at Drumpf).

also his voice is fucking nasally and makes me want to rip my cochleas out with pruning shears. that is all.

[Vlerchan]

I find it genuinely disturbing the little amount of policy discussion that has surrounded the candidates both here [on VT] and elsewhere.

No reflection on you, phuckphace, since you've made it clear where you stand on issues. In general though: your post just brought it to mind.

[phuckphace]

if Drumpf is bullshitting us and his presidency would actually lead to taxpayer-funded Trump Towers in every city and 24/7 marathons of The Apprentice on state television, a Cruz presidency would likely lead to a nuclear exchange or ten.

“One concern I have with Donald is although his language is quite incendiary when you look at his substantive policies on Iran he has said that he would not rip up this Iranian nuclear deal, I think that’s a mistake," [Cruz] said.

it's very concerning that my opponent isn't bellicose enough. when I'm president, we're gonna have a yuge war and make Iran pay for it

“You know, the City of Chicago in 1968 saw some ugly days when politics descended into hatred and incivility and even violence and it is my hope that in 2016 that we can appeal to our better angels and avoid going down that road once again."

wow just wow, St. King is spinning in his grave right now you bigots (lol at invoking The Current Year)

Cruz's candidacy has given me a newfound appreciation for Mitt Romney. never thought I'd be saying that.

[Britboo14]

Ted Cruz is actually a serial killer known as "the zodiac killer" and is responsible for at least 5 murders in the 60s and 70s

[Porpoise101]

he's like that max-level nerdlet in Econ 101 who pipes up with, "AKTHALLY, ACCORDING TO AUSTHRIAN ECONOMIKTH..."
While I agree with Vlerchan, I started laughing here. Very funny!

[lyhom]

ngl he honestly looks like the dumbass dad on a sitcom or something like that

[Microcosm]

Tbh, this post seems like mud-slinging. I don't know enough about the guy to really argue much about him, but saying that just because he likes to pipe up and call people out on stuff makes him not presidential material seems like more of an attack on character than on his actual intentions in office.

he's that guy that always has to be the smartest guy in the room. he'll pompously ramble for 20 minutes when asked a simple yes-or-no question. he's like that max-level nerdlet in Econ 101 who pipes up with, "AKTHALLY, ACCORDING TO AUSTHRIAN ECONOMIKTH..." he even memorized the whole constitution(!!!) guys!

While I find people like that annoying, if they're right, they're right. You have to look at what they're actually saying rather than attacking the way they say it.

[Vlerchan]

Tbh, this post seems like mud-slinging.
The argument of Cruz supporters is to forget that Cruz and Trump have the similar ideologies and attack Trump as not being presidential enough.

OP makes sense in that context. In FPTP-games where both candidates target the same base mudslinging is the best game in town.

[phuckphace]

Tbh, this post seems like mud-slinging.

you bet your ass! your first clue was when you clicked on a thread titled "the Ted Cruz roast"

While I find people like that annoying, if they're right, they're right. You have to look at what they're actually saying rather than attacking the way they say it.

I prefer both. it'd only be half as fun otherwise.

[StoppingTom]

boy the only reason Congress is up at night with cold sweats is when they remember that blobfish face lookin ass witcha zodiac killer ass lookin like muhfuckin uuuhhhh

[phuckphace]

Cruzthulhu fhtagn

[Porpoise101]

I read this Twitter fight between a Cruzer and a Trumplet and the Cruzer was bragging about how Cruz won Guam. That pretty much sums up their desperation.

[Sir Suomi]

You know, at least Trump is smart enough to say that being involved with the Middle East is a bad idea and that we should avoid the place like the plague. Cruz, on the other hand, wants to "Carpet Bomb" the place (A viable strategy, Lyndon B. Johnson would approve).

At this point, I'm taking Trump over Cruz.

[phuckphace]

I read this Twitter fight between a Cruzer and a Trumplet and the Cruzer was bragging about how Cruz won Guam. That pretty much sums up their desperation.

I've always wondered why Guam and Puerto Rico have primaries despite being unable to vote in the general. makes no fuckin sense

[Microcosm]

phuckphace

Seems more beneficial to a debate forum to debate specific ideas and policies the person has.

[phuckphace]

Microcosm

what is there to debate exactly? we know what his policy proposals are already, and those of the other candidates too. in the OP I outlined Cruz's insincerity and pandering (nevermind his tone) which is a huge red flag that said proposals are mostly meaningless. once again - he's a Goldman-Sachs ultracapitalist who campaigns like a televangelist to get votes from evangelical Christians. the Jim Bakker of Wall Street, if you will. as stated before that's the main problem I have with Rafael - you vote for him expecting Jesús Cristo but instead you get Sen. John Galt, Esq.

or in other words, with Cruz you lose.

[Vlerchan]

You know, at least Trump is smart enough to say that being involved with the Middle East is a bad idea and that we should avoid the place like the plague.
"I would just bomb those suckers," Trump said Thursday in Iowa before the Paris attack. "That's right. I'd blow up the pipes, I'd blow up the refineries, every single inch, there would be nothing left."

On Twitter, he took credit for an American air raid on trucks used to smuggle oil in eastern Syria. "Remember, I was the one who said attack the oil (ISIS source of wealth) a long time ago. Everyone scoffed, now they're attacking the oil."

He has advocated for ground troops in Iraq, but not in Syria.

http://edition.cnn.com/2015/11/16/politics/republican-isis-2016-election/

You'll note that Cruz is the only candidate in contention that doesn't believe there should be Boots-on-the-ground.

Trump's also big into carpet bombing. Has said in the past that he wants to target the families of ISIS militants. I beieve he's also shifted towards Boots-on-the-ground in Syria too.

The difference seems to be that he wants ME states to pay for the support.

[sqishy]

You know, at least Trump is smart enough to say that being involved with the Middle East is a bad idea and that we should avoid the place like the plague.

Trump may have said that at one point, but with the amount of contradiction and inconsistency in what he's saying, I'm seeing more of general erratic spontaneity than actual solid stances. I'm not saying that others don't do that, I am instead saying that the name Trump itself seems to define his ability to do this.

[Sailor Mars]

Tbh I just wanna invite him to a hockey game

[DriveAlive]

What does Cruz and a Canadian redwood tree have in common?




Neither one can legally be president.

[Porpoise101]

What does Cruz and a Canadian redwood tree have in common?




Neither one can legally be president.
Lol if he can't be President neither can I. I guess the Birthers have returned with a vengeance...

[phuckphace]

I used to think birthers were kooks but lately I've decided the "White House" needs to be taken more literally

foreign-born politicians will always shill for immigration, it's like they can't help themselves. when this gets out of hand we end up with a fifth column and fake borders, much to George Soros' delight

[Uniquemind]

I used to think birthers were kooks but lately I've decided the "White House" needs to be taken more literally

foreign-born politicians will always shill for immigration, it's like they can't help themselves. when this gets out of hand we end up with a fifth column and fake borders, much to George Soros' delight

Siri's is wealthier than Trump under a capitalist system.

Shouldn't more credibility be given to him since we're basing Trump's resume in business and his wealthy success as the premise of why he'd make a good president?

[phuckphace]

I don't believe Trump's wealth makes him qualified to be prez, and in fact I'm usually distrustful of rich people in general. the main difference between Soros and Trump is that the latter has at least some sense of noblesse oblige whereas the former uses his wealth to push a globalist agenda and prop up progressivism for that end.

guess which one Cruz finds more of a threat to America? that's where it really shows that his "conservatism" is superficial and opportunistic.

[Porpoise101]

guess which one Cruz finds more of a threat to America? that's where it really shows that his "conservatism" is superficial and opportunistic.
Well Soros is a philanthropist and he did some good things in Central Europe. Trump is a reality TV guy and a mediocre businessman who has a shot at getting the most powerful office in the world and destroying the Republicans as we know them now.

Sure, fighting Trump makes Cruz look not like an outsider. But I think he has his priorities straight.

[phuckphace]

Well Soros is a philanthropist and he did some good things in Central Europe.

lol at shilling for George Soros

just fyi he's behind Hillary and is one of the reasons why your Bernie isn't going to get nominated.

Trump is a reality TV guy and a mediocre businessman who has a shot at getting the most powerful office in the world and destroying the Republicans as we know them now.

I have the weirdest boner rn

seriously though, that's the point. the Republican party is packed out with fake conservative hacks, like Ted Cruz for example, who haven't done a single useful thing for conservatism in decades. instead they've spent all their time dragging us into war after war and capitulating to liberals on everything. the GOP can get fucked.

Cruz is the literal personification of the Republicans in 2016: a tool of Big Money interests who baits voters with culture-war nonsense. he's got his priorities straight, all right, and for that reason he's losing to Trump.

[Porpoise101]

lol at shilling for George Soros

just fyi he's behind Hillary and is one of the reasons why your Bernie isn't going to get nominated.



I have the weirdest boner rn

seriously though, that's the point. the Republican party is packed out with fake conservative hacks, like Ted Cruz for example, who haven't done a single useful thing for conservatism in decades. instead they've spent all their time dragging us into war after war and capitulating to liberals on everything. the GOP can get fucked.

Cruz is the literal personification of the Republicans in 2016: a tool of Big Money interests who baits voters with culture-war nonsense. he's got his priorities straight, all right, and for that reason he's losing to Trump.
I'm not saying I like Soros or Cruz. I'm just saying that Trump is more of a threat to Cruz's America than a rich Hillary supporter. Hillary isn't particularly popular either. Also, even if Soros is supporting something I don't like, one bad deed doesn't make me hate the guy.

[TonyJoe]

But the real question is: is Ted Cruz the Zodiac killer?????

[phuckphace]

Cruz may not be the Zodiac but, like most devout Christians it appears he's quite the pussy-fiend.

stories have come out regarding a multitude of women he's been banging on the side. there's a certain tabloidy angle to it so for the time being I'll withhold full judgment. if it turns out to be true, it won't surprise me at all. if we needed any more evidence that Cruz's Christianity is fake and contrived, this would have to be it :lol3:

[Vlerchan]

there's a certain tabloidy angle to it so for the time being I'll withhold full judgment.
I'm waiting for it to be published in the broadsheet press. Though I can't imagine the NI would have put up the host of information it did if it wasn't quite certain of its sources. Three of the woman have been identified as high-profile conservatives. You're opening up to a significant number of big lawsuits with that.

Further points of interest is that [1] the Cruz campaign hasn't denied the reports - which one would have expected them to after 24 hours [2] on Twitters a number of reporters have indicated that this was already known amongst the big media corporations who weren't publishing because there poor political pay-off.

Nonetheless if this ends up handing Trump the nomination it really will have been a bad year for democratic debate.

[phuckphace]

Though I can't imagine the NI would have put up the host of information it did if it wasn't quite certain of its sources. Three of the woman have been identified as high-profile conservatives. You're opening up to a significant number of big lawsuits with that.

this was exactly my thought as well.

---

43d2TqhKYvY

[Vlerchan]

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman, that woman, that woman, that woman, or that woman..."

[Sogeking]

True or not, I don't think anyone will come out clean from this. Especially after the mud-slinging of wives on twitter.

[Vlerchan]

WASHINGTON - Republican Ted Cruz on Friday denounced an article in the National Enquirer tabloid claiming he had extramarital affairs as "garbage, complete and utter lies" and accused his opponent Donald Trump of being the source of the story.

"It's tabloid smear, and it is a smear that has come from Donald Trump and his henchmen," Cruz told reporters at a press conference in Wisconsin, as the battle for the Republican presidential nomination reached new levels of personal rancor.

Trump issued a statement saying he was not responsible for the article.

http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-election-idUSKCN0WR1DW

The plot thickens.

“We got it from a Rubio ally,” said the source. “It was too thin, so [Breitbart’s Washington political editor Matt Boyle] decided not to run it. There was no way to verify the claims.”
A Rubio spokesman wasn’t immediately available for comment.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/03/25/ted-cruz-affair-rumors-peddled-by-marco-rubio-s-allies.html

The Daily Beast is a rag though.

[phuckphace]

True or not, I don't think anyone will come out clean from this. Especially after the mud-slinging of wives on twitter.

Ted's dead, baby. Ted's dead. *Trump speeds away with Melania on stolen chopper*

[Uniquemind]

I'm waiting for it to get nastier.

I long ago called that this campaign on the right has no moral bottom.

I'm surprised they haven't smeared each other's children yet.

[Porpoise101]

I'm waiting for it to get nastier.

I long ago called that this campaign on the right has no moral bottom.

I'm surprised they haven't smeared each other's children yet.
Trump's children look like they dump Crisco in their hair. Ted's are normal ish. Trump will still win that arguement though because he is Trump.

[Uniquemind]

We have 3ish more months to go.

Trump needs like 540 more delegates.

[StoppingTom]

I don't believe the Cruz scandal because
A) Even Breitbart thought it was too thin a story
B) I refuse to believe more than one person willingly had sex with Ted Cruz

[phuckphace]

Trump's children look like they dump Crisco in their hair. Ted's are normal ish. Trump will still win that arguement though because he is Trump.

I can't wait for Barron Trump to turn 13 and join VT

[Porpoise101]

I can't wait for Barron Trump to turn 13 and join VT
It's not he would even care what a peasant-class e-anon thinks about his hair though. Even though his name is stupid, he still lives better than me. Oh well.

[Zbmrnb16]

Aside from the zodiac murders, this man has NOTHING going for him. He has no charisma, he's way to eager to go to war, and he's fucking Canadian, so WHY can he run for president?