I am sick of it

[Jinglebottom]

Ok, this is going to be long, rambly, emotional, but honestly I couldn't care less because this has been troubling me for years. (I'm also unsure whether I should've posted this in the Depression forum, but that's up to the mods)

I was born and raised in a traditional home, in a traditional Middle Eastern family (no we don't raise vultures and camels, oh and we don't plan conspiracy theories about how to destroy the West). Everyone was expected to be married, have kids, raise them.. ad nauseum. Grandchildren were considered a blessing, and marrying your grown child off was something to be proud of. Male children were a source of pride and honor for many because they carried on the family name and basically everything else. Obviously, I was expected to adhere to this, like everyone else around me.

Throughout my life, deep inside, I felt like something was off. Terribly off. I didn't conform to everyone's expectations. I was the stereotypical boy who mostly hung out with girls because I couldn't get along with the other guys at all. We had completely different interests. I rarely got picked on, so that was one of the more positive aspects of my childhood, although it was filled with haunting memories of feeling alienated, unwanted, rejected, weird, foreign and I would never go back to those painful years.

I just knew that something about myself was different from all the other guys. My personality really stood out (I was shy, passive and quiet while they were aggressive, more dominant and extroverted) from the rest, but the other thing is that I'm gayer than a flying cat farting out rainbows. No, I'm not flamboyant. In fact, a girl can attract me on rare occasion, but compared to the feelings I display towards guys, that attraction is negligible. But it's there.

You see, this does not mix well at all with my entourage's idea of the perfect son. They wanted to see me in a suit under a wedding arch, putting a ring on this gorgeous Lebanese Druze woman's finger and celebrating our marriage. My relatives, while not perfect (who is?), has always been very close to each other. Each wedding would host the entire crew, no one was left out, everyone would dance, drink, party, until they dropped like flies when the alcohol kicked in.

On to reality. As I have described above, this is never going to fucking happen. I'm doomed to hide a huge part of my life from the people that raised me. I'm never going to be the "perfect son" they wanted me to be. I'll always be the unmarried black sheep who still "hasn't found the appropriate woman" or another one of my pretexts. Naturally, I'm moving to the West after college. This does not mean my problem is solved. Hell, what am I supposed to answer when I am inevitably asked "so, have you found a wife yet?". What? Tell me. There's nothing to say. I wish my parents had more flipping sons so that I wouldn't have to hold the responsibility of carrying on my family's legacy. If they ever find out, my life will be over and I know it very well. I don't want to ruin their image with my waste of existence. That's not fair to them. I am never going to get married, never going to have children, never going to fulfill my family's expectations, never going to be able to live under my own skin comfortably because of everyone back home. I will forever remain a travesty, a disappointment and disgrace to my family. I JUST WANT TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!! :(

[DoodleSnap]

It's a situation that sucks. I mean, the only thing that I could say is that you don't need to fulfil their idea of a perfect life, you should just be yourself, but I guess you've already been through that train of thought.

I think that, one day, when you're in a different environment, you might just work out who you are and how you want to live your life. It's a hard place to be in, but you have to remember that you don't exist just to make others happy, never mind others that don't understand the true you. If they aren't prepared to have a child that isn't exactly like they wanted them to be, then they aren't ready to have a child at all, IMO. It's hard when you're surrounded by more conservative beliefs, but you just have to persevere.

Heck, I wish there was more I could say to help. If you ever wanna talk about it, don't hesitate to ask.

[Straya]

Ok, this is going to be long, rambly, emotional, but honestly I couldn't care less because this has been troubling me for years. (I'm also unsure whether I should've posted this in the Depression forum, but that's up to the mods)

I was born and raised in a traditional home, in a traditional Middle Eastern family (no we don't raise vultures and camels, oh and we don't plan conspiracy theories about how to destroy the West). Everyone was expected to be married, have kids, raise them.. ad nauseum. Grandchildren were considered a blessing, and marrying your grown child off was something to be proud of. Male children were a source of pride and honor for many because they carried on the family name and basically everything else. Obviously, I was expected to adhere to this, like everyone else around me.

Throughout my life, deep inside, I felt like something was off. Terribly off. I didn't conform to everyone's expectations. I was the stereotypical boy who mostly hung out with girls because I couldn't get along with the other guys at all. We had completely different interests. I rarely got picked on, so that was one of the more positive aspects of my childhood, although it was filled with haunting memories of feeling alienated, unwanted, rejected, weird, foreign and I would never go back to those painful years.

I just knew that something about myself was different from all the other guys. My personality really stood out (I was shy, passive and quiet while they were aggressive, more dominant and extroverted) from the rest, but the other thing is that I'm gayer than a flying cat farting out rainbows. No, I'm not flamboyant. In fact, a girl can attract me on rare occasion, but compared to the feelings I display towards guys, that attraction is negligible. But it's there.

You see, this does not mix well at all with my entourage's idea of the perfect son. They wanted to see me in a suit under a wedding arch, putting a ring on this gorgeous Lebanese Druze woman's finger and celebrating our marriage. My relatives, while not perfect (who is?), has always been very close to each other. Each wedding would host the entire crew, no one was left out, everyone would dance, drink, party, until they dropped like flies when the alcohol kicked in.

On to reality. As I have described above, this is never going to fucking happen. I'm doomed to hide a huge part of my life from the people that raised me. I'm never going to be the "perfect son" they wanted me to be. I'll always be the unmarried black sheep who still "hasn't found the appropriate woman" or another one of my pretexts. Naturally, I'm moving to the West after college. This does not mean my problem is solved. Hell, what am I supposed to answer when I am inevitably asked "so, have you found a wife yet?". What? Tell me. There's nothing to say. I wish my parents had more flipping sons so that I wouldn't have to hold the responsibility of carrying on my family's legacy. If they ever find out, my life will be over and I know it very well. I don't want to ruin their image with my waste of existence. That's not fair to them. I am never going to get married, never going to have children, never going to fulfill my family's expectations, never going to be able to live under my own skin comfortably because of everyone back home. I will forever remain a travesty, a disappointment and disgrace to my family. I JUST WANT TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!! :(

just say what i say to my family when they ask why i havent found anyone< i say i havent found anyone that interests me yet and im not settling for anything but perfection and leave it at that

[Hypers]

On to reality. As I have described above, this is never going to fucking happen. I'm doomed to hide a huge part of my life from the people that raised me. I'm never going to be the "perfect son" they wanted me to be. I'll always be the unmarried black sheep who still "hasn't found the appropriate woman" or another one of my pretexts. Naturally, I'm moving to the West after college. This does not mean my problem is solved. Hell, what am I supposed to answer when I am inevitably asked "so, have you found a wife yet?". What? Tell me. There's nothing to say. I wish my parents had more flipping sons so that I wouldn't have to hold the responsibility of carrying on my family's legacy. If they ever find out, my life will be over and I know it very well. I don't want to ruin their image with my waste of existence. That's not fair to them. I am never going to get married, never going to have children, never going to fulfill my family's expectations, never going to be able to live under my own skin comfortably because of everyone back home. I will forever remain a travesty, a disappointment and disgrace to my family. I JUST WANT TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!! :(


I know how much it sucks to be in that situation. But for now, the only thing you can do is be hopeful and optimistic. Don't let your family's expectations get to you too much. Don't blame yourself for something you can't change. After all, you live for yourself, and you should be true to yourself.

It might be really really hard to bear for now but people change and thoughts change, albeit very slowly. Your family will eventually learn to love you for who you are. Until that, always keep safety in mind. You really don't want to risk your livelihood, even if it means staying in the closet longer. A good way to test the waters is to casually bring up some LGBT related topics and see how they react.

Finally, you are not alone. You are not an anomaly. People everywhere love, and believe in you for who you are.

[Jinglebottom]

I know how much it sucks to be in that situation. But for now, the only thing you can do is be hopeful and optimistic. Don't let your family's expectations get to you too much. Don't blame yourself for something you can't change. After all, you live for yourself, and you should be true to yourself.

It might be really really hard to bear for now but people change and thoughts change, albeit very slowly. Your family will eventually learn to love you for who you are. Until that, always keep safety in mind. You really don't want to risk your livelihood, even if it means staying in the closet longer. A good way to test the waters is to casually bring up some LGBT related topics and see how they react.

Finally, you are not alone. You are not an anomaly. People everywhere love, and believe in you for who you are.
They think gays are a bunch of anti-nature rebels who want to defy "what is right/natural", not knowing that if I had the choice, I would've chosen being heterosexual in a heartbeat just to avoid the stigma and prejudices a person gets for being gay. You can probably tell, they all hate gays with very few exceptions.

[Hudor]

Okay I can relate to all of this. That's more or less my situation too minus the fact your environment is possibly much more homophobic than mine xbob18. I usually work out all the kinks in my life myself but this is one issue I frankly see no pleasant way out of.
The only solution I've worked out yet is to not think about it. It sounds like chickening out but really I know I'm not going to be of wedding age for a few years still and I guess I'll just leave this for time and deal with shit when I have to because pondering too much leaves me with no solutions I don't already know and me feeling a lot more miserable. There is so much else in life: studies , career etc that you need to focus on as well. I'm trying to think as little as possible until I come across the perfect solution that makes everything right.
This is not much help but try not to focus on this problem much for now.

For the future, I would say try to accept yourself(if you don't already). You can't exactly change your sexuality. The choices finally narrow down to whose happiness you value more: yours or others'? Of course with time maybe some other alternative arises and I hope it does and you don't have to choose only one but eventually if you have to make the choice that's what you've got work out.

[Jinglebottom]

The choices finally narrow down to whose happiness you value more: yours or others'?
Of course I value my happiness over theirs. But I don't want my parents to feel embarrassed and ashamed whenever I'm mentioned. I don't want to be written off and forgotten by the people that have been taking care of me since infancy for committing what they think is the "unforgivable". I don't want them to think I'm some vile creature!

[DoodleSnap]

Of course I value my happiness over theirs. But I don't want my parents to feel embarrassed and ashamed whenever I'm mentioned. I don't want to be written off and forgotten by the people that have been taking care of me since infancy for committing what they think is the "unforgivable". I don't want them to think I'm some vile creature!
You don't have to feel that way. You should feel safe in the knowledge that you are the way you are completely naturally - they are the ones who are uneducated for thinking that it's not natural to be attracted to the same sex. I know that you can't exactly say that to them, but my point is that there is a chance. The more people are educated on these things, the more people realise that they aren't exclusively heterosexual. In the UK, 50% of young people said that they weren't fully straight. You just have to take some semblance of security from that, and just keep on in there.

[Hudor]

Of course I value my happiness over theirs. But I don't want my parents to feel embarrassed and ashamed whenever I'm mentioned. I don't want to be written off and forgotten by the people that have been taking care of me since infancy for committing what they think is the "unforgivable". I don't want them to think I'm some vile creature!

See this is the worst case scenario I'm talking about. I hope it doesn't reach that stage for you ever. But if it does, you would have to consider whether you'll act in order to ensure your own happiness or theirs.

It's important for you to accept yourself though. You aren't a vile creature or unnatural or committing a crime no matter what anyone tells you. If your conviction is strong, you would be better able to convince your family homosexuality isn't wrong. People and beliefs both can change. This is your family. With time, there's a chance they'll go on and accept you for who you are. Probably not in the happy ending kind of way but they might go on to accept you eventually. If and when you come out and they slam you for it, you would need to try and stay positive and let them accustom to the idea slowly.

[ECSTASY]

Hey , I'm still in mid east too .
You know xbob18 , life isn't always the way we want . Being born as a gay was my biggest struggle , and yet , it somehow is! Whether we accept it or not , we are different , we are limited , we can't fall in love with most of the guys because most of them are straight . We all have the stress of how the results of coming out to parents will be .
But away from all these negative things , coming out as gay to some of my internet and real life friends has helped me a lot . They helped me to accept myself .
If you're gay , and you don't want to marry a girl , its non of the others business .
Your parent's way of thinking is traditional . Just because you're gay and their tradition can't accept the way you are , that doesn't make you a bad guy .
Be yourself Ibrahim . Actually you are born to live , you have your own rights and no one has the right to judge you at least until you don't irritate someone mentally or physically . Even if you were straight , a bunch of idiots would hate you for other reasons . There are always a group of haters for every characters in this world .

Study , change your environment . The situation isn't that bad outside mid east . There are even some gay neighborhoods all over USA . Canada is really gay friendly too .
Just don't let such unimportant thing drag you down

[eric2001]

I can tell you love your family and want them to love you. The truth is you can't control how they or anyone feels. All you can do is be the best you can be and the best man later when you grow up. That means being nice to people and caring for others. I think you're great the exact way you are now. You're also very intelligent!!!

[Jinglebottom]

I can tell you love your family and want them to love you. The truth is you can't control how they or anyone feels. All you can do is be the best you can be and the best man later when you grow up. That means being nice to people and caring for others. I think you're great the exact way you are now. You're also very intelligent!!!
I'll make them proud some day. But right now, I've completely run out of motivation to accomplish anything (including school work). My grades are dropping, my teachers have begun noticing that as well. Hopefully, I'll redeem myself next year. My parents said I was too bright to fail, and in my defense this year has been complete hell from its start, and I wasn't nearly as melancholic and out-of-focus last year as I am now. My mind was 100% concentrated on being the best I can be. I just lost it as 2015 progressed... and now we're here. At the bottom.

[Bull]

I'll make them proud some day. But right now, I've completely run out of motivation to accomplish anything (including school work). My grades are dropping, my teachers have begun noticing that as well. Hopefully, I'll redeem myself next year. My parents said I was too bright to fail, and in my defense this year has been complete hell from its start, and I wasn't nearly as melancholic and out-of-focus last year as I am now. My mind was 100% concentrated on being the best I can be. I just lost it as 2015 progressed... and now we're here. At the bottom.

So, if you have bottomed out there is no place to go but up, up, up! Salvage what you can of this years school work and be determined to be the best student you can be as you move forward. Excel in that which you have natural ability and work hard in that which is a challenge. You are who God made you and you can not change that. I know it is hard to be you in your culture, but you must go forward with your life. You can be a loving son and appreciative family member. Show love and respect. Build family relationships. Be able to be remembered that way as you move to the West and toward a life away from the close eye of family. I wish you peace now and always.

[Second Chance]

Ok, this is going to be long, rambly, emotional, but honestly I couldn't care less because this has been troubling me for years. (I'm also unsure whether I should've posted this in the Depression forum, but that's up to the mods)

I was born and raised in a traditional home, in a traditional Middle Eastern family (no we don't raise vultures and camels, oh and we don't plan conspiracy theories about how to destroy the West). Everyone was expected to be married, have kids, raise them.. ad nauseum. Grandchildren were considered a blessing, and marrying your grown child off was something to be proud of. Male children were a source of pride and honor for many because they carried on the family name and basically everything else. Obviously, I was expected to adhere to this, like everyone else around me.

Throughout my life, deep inside, I felt like something was off. Terribly off. I didn't conform to everyone's expectations. I was the stereotypical boy who mostly hung out with girls because I couldn't get along with the other guys at all. We had completely different interests. I rarely got picked on, so that was one of the more positive aspects of my childhood, although it was filled with haunting memories of feeling alienated, unwanted, rejected, weird, foreign and I would never go back to those painful years.

I just knew that something about myself was different from all the other guys. My personality really stood out (I was shy, passive and quiet while they were aggressive, more dominant and extroverted) from the rest, but the other thing is that I'm gayer than a flying cat farting out rainbows. No, I'm not flamboyant. In fact, a girl can attract me on rare occasion, but compared to the feelings I display towards guys, that attraction is negligible. But it's there.

You see, this does not mix well at all with my entourage's idea of the perfect son. They wanted to see me in a suit under a wedding arch, putting a ring on this gorgeous Lebanese Druze woman's finger and celebrating our marriage. My relatives, while not perfect (who is?), has always been very close to each other. Each wedding would host the entire crew, no one was left out, everyone would dance, drink, party, until they dropped like flies when the alcohol kicked in.

On to reality. As I have described above, this is never going to fucking happen. I'm doomed to hide a huge part of my life from the people that raised me. I'm never going to be the "perfect son" they wanted me to be. I'll always be the unmarried black sheep who still "hasn't found the appropriate woman" or another one of my pretexts. Naturally, I'm moving to the West after college. This does not mean my problem is solved. Hell, what am I supposed to answer when I am inevitably asked "so, have you found a wife yet?". What? Tell me. There's nothing to say. I wish my parents had more flipping sons so that I wouldn't have to hold the responsibility of carrying on my family's legacy. If they ever find out, my life will be over and I know it very well. I don't want to ruin their image with my waste of existence. That's not fair to them. I am never going to get married, never going to have children, never going to fulfill my family's expectations, never going to be able to live under my own skin comfortably because of everyone back home. I will forever remain a travesty, a disappointment and disgrace to my family. I JUST WANT TO LEAD A NORMAL LIFE!!!!!!!!!! :(

I know in your neck of the woods homosexuality is not something that is tolerated let alone understood which is why I can understand your feelings. With that being said I think you are being a bit hard on yourself at this stage because you have the rest of your teenage years and life to live. Even if you are as straight as a rainbow does not mean life will end, and you still have to live because you are the way you are for a reason. Personally, I would not worry about marriage and all of that stuff right now, and you have to focus on building yourself up as a person especially by doing well in school. I know this is a really tough thing to keep on the inside and not to be able to tell someone since it is a part of who you are. However, there are many, many other parts to you besides your sexuality, and my guess is that your family really values you as a person. The reality is that there are even straight guys out there who never get married or wish to have children, and all because you are the only boy in your family does not mean you have to jump into bed and have sex with someone with female body parts to carry on your family line. If you are the only boy in the family you are actually in a much better position than you think because your family cannot force you to do anything. Trust me, you have time on your side, and my guess is that when you are an adult you will have a lot of options. In order to have those options you have to do well in school so that you are not stuck in a dead end job or are not in a position to go to a place that is gay friendly such as a Western country.

My opinion is that you should not beat yourself up for being gay and realize that being gay is not a choice and is the way you are. Especially where you live why would any rational person choose to be gay considering what happens to gay people in your country? At this stage don't focus on sexuality or marriage but rather on building up yourself. After all, you are a person of value and have talents and abilities which make you unique and indispensable to your family. If you are the only boy and if boys are really valued in your culture, then my guess is that your family is going to cut you a lot of slack and not come down on you like a load of bricks. I am sure if you are successful in whatever you want to do in life and make a name for yourself in a good way while staying away from trouble, then many times people will just leave you alone. I can say with experience that there have been times when a person is really good and an otherwise admirable person that people look the other way when it comes to their sexuality. You simply have to look at many famous American actors who were gay during the 1950s and 1960s who were known homosexuals but people pretended not to see what they saw because they liked the person.

Normally, I would say to be yourself, but in your country being openly gay is a really, really bad idea. Trust me, you are not the only gay person in your neck of the woods, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Genetics made you the way you are, and don't beat yourself up for something beyond your control. My suggestion is to stay close with your family, appreciate their love, and don't let your sexuality pull you down. Remember, your sexuality is just a small part of who you are in totality.

[Jinglebottom]

In order to have those options you have to do well in school so that you are not stuck in a dead end job or are not in a position to go to a place that is gay friendly such as a Western country.
In response to this, I'm trying my hardest to regain the motivation and willingness to study that I once had, back when I wasn't so... "troubled" I guess? But it isn't such an easy task nowadays, especially since my dog is being hospitalized for a combination of seizures (I have no idea what caused those) + a severe gastrointestinal infection which honestly doesn't seem to be improving in any meaningful way. I don't know what I would do if he died, I already miss him more than anything and he's only been at the vet for a day. On the bright side, my teachers did say that, although I was an excellent student, they were expecting better this trimester. I should probably redeem myself this trimester, I certainly do not wanna fail my official exams.

[Second Chance]

In response to this, I'm trying my hardest to regain the motivation and willingness to study that I once had, back when I wasn't so... "troubled" I guess? But it isn't such an easy task nowadays, especially since my dog is being hospitalized for a combination of seizures (I have no idea what caused those) + a severe gastrointestinal infection which honestly doesn't seem to be improving in any meaningful way. I don't know what I would do if he died, I already miss him more than anything and he's only been at the vet for a day. On the bright side, my teachers did say that, although I was an excellent student, they were expecting better this trimester. I should probably redeem myself this trimester, I certainly do not wanna fail my official exams.

I think you have a lot on your plate right now, and when it rain it pours especially when it comes to problems. Considering that you feel alone and broken and do not feel like others will be there for you if they figured out this side of you, then it is only natural you would loose the motivation to do things. A lot of folks around junior high/early high school feel as you do when they feel like what they are doing has no meaning.

Clearly, your teachers see potential in you which is why they are not giving up on you, and others must see that you can achieve excellence. Since you have the brains it just makes sense to use them to better yourself. Whether or not you are gay or straight a mind is a terrible thing to waste, and you should use your intelligence to your advantage rather than letting opportunities slip through your hands. In your country chances are if you do not make use of opportunities, then I am sure there are people lined up who will gladly take your place. As a result, put yourself back on track and remember that everything you do has meaning.

Regarding your dog, it hurts a lot when a loyal companion gets sick and could possible not recover. If that should happen with your dog, then it is really important that you surround yourself with family and friends and talk out your feelings. It takes a while to overcome something like that, and having positive people around you whether it be your parents, older siblings, responsible cousins, etc. is what you will need alongside good friends. The reality is that dogs have a lifespan, and no animal can live forever. It still hurts especially if your dog has been with you throughout your childhood, and it like you are loosing a part of you if something should happen. However, at least you had a dog and something that loved you unconditionally which is more than what most people in life have had.

Being gay in your neck of the woods is not easy, and I certainly am not advocating you should deny that side of you. My guess is that you have a good family both nuclear and extended, and chances are you get a lot of love and attention especially if you are the only boy. I know your fear is that everything will come to an end if folks find out you are not interested in girls, but unless you plan on getting married within the next year I think you will be fine. My guess is by the time you complete your education and enter your desired profession, then you will be in a place physically, emotionally, and financially where you can be yourself. The key is to build yourself up so that you can get into a good profession so that no matter what your sexuality you will be indispensable.

If it means anything, chances are if you are a good person and really care about others, then my guess is that over the long-term when you ultimately decide to let others know about who you are, then they will not be happy but will realize that is who you are. You will be really surprised on how accommodating even the most rigid families are especially if the kid is a good one and is someone who does not cause problems. I am not saying you need to be perfect, but you need to be yourself by being caring and supportive to your family and not a hell raiser especially as you go through your teenage years. Eventually, you can be a "bachelor" to those who are not understanding in your community, and to those who truly accept you they can know about who you are. My guess is that your parents and family will not stop loving you because times have changed. After all, as long as you love them, then the same works in reverse.

You are in puberty now, and with the mix of hormones and other emotions things that would not have been as big of a deal even a year ago are being made huge now. Just realize that emotions is a big part of being a teen, and that things that seem like the end of the world really are not in the greater scheme of things. You have a home, a caring family, and you are in school which are all great things. Don't get discouraged, and instead of looking at what makes you different than everyone else instead look at what unites you with others. My guess is that there is a lot more about you that is very much like those around you than what makes you different.