I think I've lost it

[Tenkotsu]

I’ll try to be as short as possible.

Around october 2014 I understood what a friend was telling me, that I did what I wanted. I thought he meant that I wished for the things to happen, so I didn't like it, and he never explained himself. I read on the internet finally what he meant. That all the actions that I did were actions that I did. I could've decided to not do certain stuff, like get in a fight with my friends, or stay with people I didn't like, but I did. I tried to rationalize it (and I did), but in the end, it doesn't matter. I did what I did.

And I won't get a big compensation or things won't go smoothly in my life for that. In fact it has ruined me a lot of stuff and I should've realized this years ago. There's no secret conspiracy or that things go wrong because I am some kind of loser in life or anything, the actions I did led me here.


Now that discouraged me in life for a while, but then, in June or so of the last year, I thought "damn, if the bullies from High School had seen that, they would've made fun of me", and it dawned on me. It's something I was subconsciously thinking all the time.

Why was I worrying about that? Those people have been gone from my life for years now, yet I still worried for years that they would mock me for anything I did. Like, they would make fun of me if I tried to do something (say exercising) so i got discouraged and didn't do it. Or they would call out on me for trying to talk to other people, because I would be made fun of or told I was "betraying them", even though they're not here anymore and they weren't even my friends.

As if I was being watched by some people and they would be disappointed, or make fun of me, or I had to gain their approval. I started to think a lot about it. Who are "they"? Sometimes my bullies, sometimes 2 friends that weren't the nicest people around, sometimes my parents (but that was like, being disappointed for me being bullied or talking to the wrong person).

I realized that most if not almost all my actions or so were dominated by that kind of thinking, as if I was being watched all the time.

It was the "thing" that was holding me back all these years, if not most of my life. Something that I had that I knew I had to solve, but couldn't even see it. Feeling "paranoic" and trying to please people that treated me bad and I didn't like, but felt as if they were right, because other people were fake or something like that. Like probably a medicine or something, sure it tastes bad but it's good for you.

I thought a lot about it, because it was what I wanted to solve for a long time. I always thought it was "wrong" to be with people that you liked to be with (not bullying you, actually treating you well!) because we can't have it all in life, it was "unfair", I was being fake, or they weren't my group of friends so I couldn't be there (one of the bullies would drag me back to their group when I was with "good people" because according to him "I didn't belong with them").

I could go on and on about it now, because it has been kind of a big deal for me, but the thing is, that I just don't know what to do anymore.

I gave it some thought during my vacations back in december, I spent the month thinking about it, thinking about my life in school and the things that I wanted to solve. I hoped I could understand all the "why's" of me, why I didn't get along with certain people, why I felt ashamed of getting into something, even why I treated people that treat me well so bad while I didn't do anything to the people that actually hurt me with their bullying, but it feels more as if I lost my time. I didn't quite finish thinking about it, but I don't feel like continuing with it.

Now, I just don't know what to do anymore. I seriously don't. I feel completely lost. I feel nothing at all. I just found out what the problem was, and I lost my chance to do what I wanted long ago, so now what? I don't want to play anything, I find no reason to do anything, I don't have anyone to talk to, I don't even know what I want to do now. Nothing helps at all. It's kind of a relief and it has changed me, now I know not to get angry at people that really wanted to help me, but now I feel that I've lost my drive to do anything.

College will start soon again and yet I don't want to go, but I know not going will not help me, for I don't know what I would do anyway. Even if I wanted to take the time to rest, try to write something or even go to a psychologist or do stuff to make me feel better, I know I shouldn't. I haven't really made any friendships in years, so I can't even go out with people.

[amgb]

Hi Erick~ I won't be able to completely understand what you've been through and what you are going through now, but I understand some of it and I want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel. I read through all your other posts, and you seem like a very self-aware and articulate kind of person. I really respect that in people. Also hope you're able to feel a little less burdened with your problems after you express your feelings around them and let it out. Keeping things inside can get tiring, and stressful, and it builds up on your mental weight pile. Thank you for being open~~

Thank you for being you. I don't know you, and what I say might not even hold a sense of value or worth, but I'd like to say what's on my mind and I want you to know you can keep going. There's a reason you're here today; here where you are now. All those things you've done in the past, the good and the bad, are what makes you the person you've become. To be able to love that person you became and to gain the motivation to act after all you've been through won't just take time - it takes mental strength too. And you've got that somewhere inside you.

I tend to think about the shoulds and shouldn'ts way too much. I understand that kind of thinking, it does hold you back and it doesn't go away until you've got enough confidence to tell yourself you have control over what you do. We don't have to be trapped in the loophole of constantly needing to please everyone, we don't have to feel like we're slaves to external demands and expectations. We're not. It is not your responsibility to satisfy a bully's hunger for higher power. Even with friends, I want you to be able to say no. You are strong and you need to stand your ground. I know you probably might feel guilty doing so, but you can overcome it. Begin with the little hard things. Whenever someone speaks over you, tell them you've got a voice too and you deserve to be listened to just like everyone else. The more you do it, the easier it goes.

The metaphor of the medicine; I like it. I'd like to use it to refer to something: I think it clearly depicts that many things may appear to be of discomfort and negatively connotated but instead it could actually be helping us to build our strength. Strength becomes resilience by practising it, and through all the times people don't treat you right you will be able to find self-empowerment. If you can empower yourself in the choices you make, you'll discover you have a lot more control in your life.

At the same time, I think it's important to be able to listen to others and take advice as well. People will dominate your decision-making, especially family. At the same time you have to stand up and speak, you have to sit down and listen. I see you respect others, and I understand why you'd choose to hide inside yourself. You can't make someone respect you, but you can make a choice to not let them stop you from doing what you choose to do for yourself.

I question myself a lot and ask a lot of whys, and then I question myself as to why I think the way I do. I think I can relate a bit to how you think~
You always get a chance. Maybe not for the same thing, and definitely not for things that happened in the past. But you always have a chance. You always have a choice to take that chance. It's okay to not know, and to feel utterly lost. College starting soon might be a rough time without the support of a psychologist or a professional, and an even rougher time without friendship. I want you to do what you feel is right for you. If you feel you need help, seek it. If you want to step out of your comfort zone, go ahead. Take that extra step. Reach out. People want to help you.

I probably can't help you much, but it doesn't mean I'm not going to try. I'm here if you need to talk about things, I don't want you to go through this alone. I remember in one of your other posts you talked about writing a letter, maybe you could try doing that again? I know writing things down help me, and if it helps you then I think it's a great idea to keep writing.

Tomorrow may not be better, at least it's another day full of possibilities and you never know what kind of good things could be waiting ahead~

[Tenkotsu]

Hey, thanks for the answer, it made me feel better during the weekend.

I know, it's kind of hard to explain this. It just feels weird and dumb to say that I was trying to please people that I didn't like, even when they weren't anywhere near me, because they were "my friends". The worst thing being reacting negatively to people that wanted to help me and staying with the people that hurt me, thinking I was being strong for not going the "easy way" or a not being a hypocrite by abandoning "my friends".

I wish I could say that now that I realize that, I am over that, but I'm not. I don't feel like everything's going to go well now.

I should've been over that long ago. I seriously wish I would've been over that way before high school was over.

I do not like being so self-aware though. Sometimes it feels like it stops me from doing things that I should do, or makes me doubt a lot. Sometimes, when I realize that I am doing something I may stop, or start to doubt or think "what would other people think?", "is this right?" or "is this really for me?". Or when I realize that I do something, it gets awkward and I can't never seem to turn that off.

The thing is that at this point I didn't even know what I wanted to be doing in my life. I hoped I had "something" by now.

I did take writing as a way to express or understand myself, at least to write how I feel or to be honest with what I've wanted or what has happened. It has helped me. I don't feel like making another letter to my parents though. It just feels kind of awkward at this point, I shouldn't have these kind of problems now.

I wish I didn't have to go to college now, but I know I can't do that. I already quit once some years ago, my parents let me because I was doing bad in my grades and I felt terrible. I didn't do much that time, I felt pretty bad and guilty that I wasn't doing anything. I didn't want to feel like I was taking advantage of that situation, in a bad way, by just having fun or doing whatever I wanted.

I should've taken advantage of that situation, in a good way, by getting into what I wanted to do, or maybe just resting my mind, but I spent so much time worrying and trying to get into anything to not feel useless, that I didn't do anything good anyway.

Although, as I've said, I don't even know what I want to do anymore. As a kid I wanted to get into "writing", making stories for tv series because I liked tv. I wanted to have my own story done. I've always tried to dismiss it and get into something serious, because I've always felt that it is simply impossible for me, maybe because it's too "whimsical" for me, or kind of ridiculous, specially because I live in a 3rd world country where I should be smart and do something that gets you work and money. And i don't think art does that.

I wanted to find a way to get into that, but I've never really done it. I still doubt what is it exactly that I want? And I can't seem to answer that. I have even tried to simply write a book and see where that leads me, but even if I were to finish what I have right now, what then? Do I publish it on the internet? Will finishing it get me somewhere? Do I even know how to write a book? Or how that world works? I can't tell what is it exactly what I want now.

[amgb]

Tenkotsu I sent you my reply in a Private Message, only because I don't want to take up your thread space where other members can also post. Do feel free to send me a message whenever you like though, I'm always here~~~

[czbritteen]

I'm bullied at shool. They say that I'm a loser just because I have scene hair and like Harry Potter. I can see how they are whispering some shit about me and pointing at me. I act that I don't care but it hurts. No one want's to talk to me because I'm weird and crazy. They are calling me fat, stupid, ugly,... I know so people are going throw so mutch worse and I'm sorry for them.

[Tenkotsu]

I can only talk from my experience, but I hope I can help.

Is this your first year in that School or do you have years studying there? it may not change much, but if you're familiar with your situation, you can decide what to do.

I know it may be hard, have you tried talking to teachers or your parents? I didn't quite tell anyone until it was way too late and I understand that you'd prefer to talk to other people your age, but you could try. If not, try to find a group of people or some people to hang out that you like. Look around your classroom, maybe there are people that seem ok. Not everyone is a jerk. I can assure you. Try to talk to them and slowly get to know them. Don't expect immediate results.

If you want to solve this, try to solve it now, the past is in the past and time slowly advances, so soon it may be too late. Even then, in a way, it's always too late, you can only start now.

How big is the group of people that bully you? And I do mean the ones that actively insult you, not people that just don't talk to you or so, because, not everyone is aware of everyone's problem. Some people may not even be aware of you, like maybe you're just acquaintances or classmates and that's it. So they don't actively bully your or anything.

If it's like 3-5 people or so, just get away, there's no reason to get bullied, as in "some people are weak and deserve to be bullied", no one does! Try to meet people that seem ok, even if you don't have the same interests. for me, I liked some of the more outgoing people, because first and foremost, they didn't insult me! also to broaden a bit in talks and such. You could get to meet more people and eventually find people of the same interests that you like.

Everyone talks behind everyone's back, and it can't be controlled. You can't tell what other people will say about you, if someone doesn't like you they will talk trash about you, no matter what you do or say, so they don't matter. I know it's hard when people start talking trash about you and you may want to do something about it ( I can assure you, I couldn't for the life of me ignore what other people told me, for reasons, and wanted to find ways to "get back" but never did) but you don't have to listen to them or be aware of them at all. There's no reason to listen to other people's insults about you. Hell, in a way, everyone can be insulted by anything at all, so don't listen to that kind of people.

You don't owe other people ANYTHING. What I mean, is that you don't have at all to suffer crap from other people. There's no "you have to be this miserable" line or something. If there are people that call you stupid or make fun of you, and it's not friendly banter, you don't have to stand it. Just get away. You don't have to tell them anything or listen to what they'll say. They might try to justify it saying "it's just a joke, you're too soft! you have to toughen up", clever people will find ways to get you feel like the you're one that deserves it or try to turn it around into you being the problem, not them.

Again, when they're not your friends, your friends will want to help you, even if they might be misguided (but that's another thing entirely).

And online, block them. That's it. I am talking about people that are definitely not your friends. If they're just classmates that you feel that you had to befriend online just because, but they really aren't your friends or even friendly acquaintances or anything, just block them, you'll be better not falling for their comments. They can't do you anything at all online.

Don't expect that they'll simply get crappy jobs or will be magically punished because they bullied you or that "real life" will get them (Real life gets everyone) they're some other people's friend, they will find ways to succeed in a way. Specially if they're outgoing and sociable/charismatic, they will get helped.

I'm sorry if this is heavy-handed, I am hoping that what happened to me helps someone. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit to direct or maybe too black and white or so, but I also hope that what happened to me isn't wasted and it's at least useful in a way.