How do I accept it?

[Abhorrence]

It's not often that I'll create a thread asking for help and I'll probably regret doing this but I do need some assistance or advice.

I am gay. That much I definitely know. My problem is, I cannot accept it at all. It's not an issue of coming out or being brought up in a homophobic household, it's just I do not want to be gay.

Some days I find it really easy to be somewhat okay with it, I'll happily think "yes, I'm gay - that's who I am." These days are then followed by intense hatred of my sexuality and the fact that I was born like this. Usually, when I have days where I'm more accepting of it I will tell people or discuss it with people. This makes it even harder when I suddenly start hating it again because I have to consciously retract my statements about being gay and come up with some sort of excuse for it as a joke.

I just don't understand why I cannot accept it, I don't understand why I hate being gay so much? Considering I literally know that I am gay, you'd think that it'd be a simple step to just fully accept it, right?

With this self-hatred of my sexuality comes more issues. I currently have a girlfriend. I don't know how I got into this damned mess but it's largely to do with alcohol and not a story for this thread but you can see my issue. I'm so at war with myself that I'm trying to conform to something I am not and subconsciously do not want to be.

I want to be happy being gay - I really, really do - I just simply cannot accept it. There's something within me that just despises it.

Has anyone on here gone through a similar process? If so, how can I go about being happy with who I am? I just want to be okay with myself because I've accepted the fact I can't change it but I just cannot accept it's who I am. If anyone could give me some advice, that would be great.

[Hudor]

Yes i can relate to that. I have a hard time dealing with my sexuality though, particularly because of a largely homophobic household and general environment.

For as long as I've known I'm gay, i've resented it. This has a lot to do with the representation of homosexuality I’ve witnessed and my own limited interaction with gay people irl that has been generally depressing. It's hard to believe gay people can be just... normal. As of now, i have mainly seen people conforming with most of the stereotypes associated with gays and i don't want to be associated with those. In that sense, i've always felt kinda different, almost out of place with the gay culture as I perceive it. It's no wonder most people don't suspect i'm gay either.

Despite having crushes on guys and wanting to be with them, I get sort of disgusted with myself when I actually begin to think of being with the guy. However I try to reason with myself, it just doesn’t seem normal(one of the perks of living in a heteronormative homophobic society). Maybe it’s just that I haven’t found the right guy but idk if that even exists and I’ve had several situations in the past where I’ve turned down the guy when we were both serious because of my reluctance to actually accept I’m gay. I’ve considered eventually settling down with a girl but it just doesn’t seem right either.

How I deal with this is that I don’t deal with it at all. I just don’t think about it at all because as much as I hate to admit it, the options all seem pretty miserable. For now, I’m just focusing on my career, studies, making good friends and basically living in the moment. I’m not giving much thought to the future in terms of prospects of a love life anytime soon.

I would suggest breaking up with the girl though, firstly, because it would be unfair to lead her on and would also cause you unnecessary mental trauma.
Sorry I don’t really have much help to give man but this is something only you can do for yourself and it’s easier said than done.

[Sailor Mars]

I've had plenty of feelings like that; sexuality and more. It doesn't really seem like a problem with sexuality, just a problem with the person themselves. All of us have some type of self conscious or self esteem issue, and we take it out on the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. For some, like you guys, it may be sexuality. For others, it may be something physical like weight, or hair, or skin color.

Imho, I don't think anyone can be fully comfortable in their skin, no matter who they are. You're always going to have problems with how you see yourself, that's just the life of a human. What could help with dealing with it? Eh that's the part that differs. I always like to think rationally. "Is there anything wrong with being gay?" Nah, "Does anyone else care about me being gay?" If they aren't close, they aren't relevant (and even if they are close, their opinion is theirs. It doesn't affect you), etc. etc. Or you could always just stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye and say "You're gay. That's it." Shrug your shoulders and get on with your day. You'd be surprised at how shit like that works.

You should probably sit down with your girlfriend and talk to her about how you feel and how... well... you like dudes. It's a first step in a long process but you gotta start somewhere lol

[Abhorrence]

I would suggest breaking up with the girl though, firstly, because it would be unfair to lead her on and would also cause you unnecessary mental trauma.
Sorry I don’t really have much help to give man but this is something only you can do for yourself and it’s easier said than done.


You should probably sit down with your girlfriend and talk to her about how you feel and how... well... you like dudes. It's a first step in a long process but you gotta start somewhere lol

She actually knows that I've only ever had... sexual experience... with dudes and I've said that I primarily prefer them. There is something about her that I love but then I cannot promise to fulfill the sexual side of the relationship which sucks a lot because I wish I could.

I guess my issues get more complicated by the fact that I'm essentially biromantic but wholly homosexual. It means that my mind is completely conflicted by these two differing romantic and sexual attractions.

Ugh, sucks to be me, eh? :P (I'm just glad I live in an accepting society, sorry about your situation Hudor - I hope it gets better.)

Thanks for the advice though guys. :)

[Fiction]

When I was 11, I was majorly attracted to a girl, and I had never had feelings like that for anyone before. For a full year I absolutely hated myself for it, I didn't want to be gay at all. I wanted to have the whole white wedding and kids and I wanted to be "normal" like everyone else.

For me, I later realised i'm not gay, i'm attracted to women but actually I greatly prefer men. Now i'm not saying that's likely to happen to you, but even for years, and even now I would never call myself Bisexual. I know I am for God's sake but even now I don't really... accept it. Or I do, I accept it but I refuse to lable it. I'm bisexual, but actually i'm just attracted to who i'm attracted to.

What i'm trying to say is that it's easy to get hung up on a word, on a label, and perhaps rather than labelling yourself and over thinking the label you're giving yourself, just "go with it". Be with who you're attracted to. Don't think about what label that gives you.

That sounds like very wishy washy advice i'm sorry, but it seems to have worked for me. I'm completely at peace with that side of me nowadays. But perhaps that's just something that came with age, I don't know x

[UNKNOWN8198]

One of the problems I had coming to terms with being gay was the fact that I was bi-romantic also. It just meant that I felt that I could become attracted to girls in that way, because surely it was only a small step from where I was and I was fine with guys, despite the fact that I knew that it was never going to happen.

Another problem I had was that I found it hard to accept that I was different from what was to be considered 'normal', and then to classify myself as a minority. Being someone who did their best to blend in and be unnoticeable, it can be quite a big marker. To begin with I hated the notion of being gay, because to a point, I felt like I had let myself down, and reduced the kind of life I could live because of it. I only broke out of that thought process once some people that I knew came out, and because I had considered them to be 'normal' people who lived happy lives, it changed my perspective on it.

Because you have a dislike for your own sexual orientation, you may want to think about what you view 'gay' as being. If you view it as being something that you're not then that could be what part of the problem is. To clarify, I'm not talking about the literal definition, but more the connotations it has for you personally, for example you may view an effeminate man, or a jock etc. If you dislike the thing that you envisage, then you will need to change you personal definition of the word 'gay' before you can become okay with yourself being gay.

Finally (from me anyway), if you are a bi-romantic homosexual, then it is perfectly okay for you to have an asexual relationship with a girl. If you are unable to become okay with yourself, and I hope that's not the case, then it may be easier for you to go by asexual instead, even if that is not the whole truth. Also, if love your girlfriend, and have explained to her your feelings to her, and she is aware that sex is not going to be something that you are offering, and she stays with you, then I think that that is a relationship that can work. Remember that she is also an adult, and can make decisions herself, and although you may feel bad about not being able to give her sex, if she has chosen you over that then you have found someone who seems to love you a lot.

[Because I don't know your entire circumstances, it's hard to give you specific advice, if I can even give it. I hope that my story, and my input can somehow help. Obviously my problems may/will probably be different to your problems but I hope they can translate somehow. Do note that I am just postulating different examples, some of which are from personal experience, and some/none/all may be correct for you.]

[ECSTASY]

I hate being such person too , I dont like having crush on someone and not being able to tell him and breaking inside too . But we must learn that not everything in this world is the way we like . We must live it up .
Currently , I'm at a cafe , waiting for my crush to arrive but what can I do except looking at him hanging out with his girlfriend? We gotta live it up.
Maybe one day , I'll start to love someone who cares for me too .
Do not think about your sexuality much , do what your heart says . Overthinking about it will make you depressed . Feel free to message me , I'd be glad to talk

[Hudor]

She actually knows that I've only ever had... sexual experience... with dudes and I've said that I primarily prefer them. There is something about her that I love but then I cannot promise to fulfill the sexual side of the relationship which sucks a lot because I wish I could.

I guess my issues get more complicated by the fact that I'm essentially biromantic but wholly homosexual. It means that my mind is completely conflicted by these two differing romantic and sexual attractions.

Ugh, sucks to be me, eh? :P (I'm just glad I live in an accepting society, sorry about your situation Hudor - I hope it gets better.)

Thanks for the advice though guys. :)

Thanks for your concern. My issues get complicated too because i identify as biromantic homosexual as well :P
I've tried dating girls because of that but it doesn't really work out for me. In case, we fall in love and i know that i don't want go all the way with her, it would seem unfair for her and leave me feeling worse.
I think UNKNOWN8198 has conveyed everything i had in mind and in a better manner.