Breaking up help

[defqonner]

I broke up with my girlfriend of 16 months today. She was my first ever serious girlfriend.
We had a wicked friendship but our sexual relationship and affection has been diminishing over the last 2 months due to figuring out we arent really good for eachother.
I just mentioned to her today that it isnt working we want different things. She agreed and has been thinking of breaking it off for a while.

Over the last 2 months I have wanted out but there never was a good time to break it off. Now that its happen, I thought I would be okay, but I am not.

I keep thinking about her and wanting to hold her and talk to her even on Facebook chat, but I can't. Then the thought of being single and not having that security of knowing ill see my girl the next day and kiss and cuddle and talk etc. just fkn hurts. Its weird to think someone you spoke to every single day for 486 days in a row has just gone even though still love eachother but cant be together for other reasons.

Anyways, thank you for reading my bullshit,
what are some ways to help me get over this?

Thank you

[Uniquemind]

This is a soul searching conundrum and it's going to shape your personal definition of what love and attraction are, and what that should feel like in a steady long term healthy relationship.

All relationships after a long time loose their "fresh newness", and it's your job as well as your partners to measure or calibrate where you are on that spectrum, and what your expectations are feeling wise.

You have to break yourself down and really take a look at WHY you think the relationship is failing. Perhaps monogamy wasn't for you? Was it sex or lack thereof that caused the beginning of a fissure in the relationship?

Is your personal perception of a good or bad relationship hinge on always maintaining that "fresh newness" of a relationship when it started without degradation of that honeymoon phase?

Lots of things to think about.

[defqonner]

It broke down because she wanted to get married and take it more seriously and I wanted to continue dating.
We are 20/21 and had only been dating for a 14 months.
She is a strict catholic and I was an atheist.
I am still at college she is now starting full time work.

We wanted different things and were at different stages in life.
We still love eachother but cant be together for its pointless.

[SillyShyGuy]

I understand how you are feeling. Just because you miss her a great deal and want to be with her again does not mean it is still healthy for you two to be in a relationship. Although I do not think that making love is everything in a relationship, it is a key factor. It is a sign of passion just like holding hands or kissing. It lets the other person know how you feel. During the last few months with one of my ex girlfriends we stopped showing affection too. We knew each other for three years and all of the sudden the kissing, hand holding, and hugs stopped. Then after we broke up we were back to being strangers. It hurts, but hey just move on and you will find someone else to make you happy.

[defqonner]

I won't ever get back together with her. There is no future with her.
It wasn't about sex this relationship and why we split. That just slowed down over time and I got used to it.
Right now its hard I have finished work and I generally go and start a conversation with her asking about her and her day and am happy to hear it and she's happy to hear from me.
Its just a little tough, I can go and speak to her she would be happy to talk to me again but it would be weird and would not help me to get over her.
This day has been filled with many emotions. From releif to shock to sadness to guilt to lonliness .
As part of my job it gives me alot of time to think about life and things. Which means I think about our past relationship from beginning to end and all the negatives that come with separating.

[cra1g]

I'm basically in the same situation as far as breaking up for specific reasons but still being in love with each other. We dated for two years almost exactly. It has been 9 months since we broke up and not being able to talk to her has been one of the hardest and most painful things I have ever had to do. We have only spoken twice since we broke up and both times we fell back into that natural groove that forms between two people when they are together that long and after those incidences it was harder for us both to go on again.

I don't know what to tell you other than what my grandmother told me: If it is meant to be, then it will be one way or another. Don't just dismiss something entirely just because it can't work right now. But, also don't let that hope hold you back from something new.

I would say that to help you get over this, it would be best to not see her or talk to her for a while. Or if you do see each other, just make sure that it remains completely platonic. That is very hard to do, and I am definitely not a good example of it, but that's what I think you need to do if you are set on getting over her.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this situation and I understand how you feel.


Hope it gets better quick and good luck!

[maniamsmart]

To answer your question on how to get over her, I'd say you should find some other passions and hobbies to get your mind set on. The biggest mistake people make when trying to get over someone is letting their mind wonder about that person. Start talking to other people, and putting yourself out there. I know it may be hard to believe, but what I've learned and have helped many other people learn is that there is always someone better out there for you, and you'll recognize it very easily once you spend time with them.

[defqonner]

Wow.
So I've been all good getting over her etc. I've been getting better everyday. We talk still on Facebook and she's happy to talk to me. Then all of a sudden her replies are bland and she goes online but doesn't reply.
I know we aren't together and I don't even have to talk to her any more there's nothing forcing me to. I have this upsetting feeling like why isn't she talking to me etc. Makes me upset.
I find a sense of comfort when she replies to me on Facebook and now I am not getting that I think I'm starting to get hurt.
I was alright getting over it as long as we maintained some tiny level of convo.
Fuck this shit.

[Uniquemind]

Wow.
So I've been all good getting over her etc. I've been getting better everyday. We talk still on Facebook and she's happy to talk to me. Then all of a sudden her replies are bland and she goes online but doesn't reply.
I know we aren't together and I don't even have to talk to her any more there's nothing forcing me to. I have this upsetting feeling like why isn't she talking to me etc. Makes me upset.
I find a sense of comfort when she replies to me on Facebook and now I am not getting that I think I'm starting to get hurt.
I was alright getting over it as long as we maintained some tiny level of convo.
Fuck this shit.

Maybe on her end she needed the distance.

[BabyGMarie]

I feel your pain because I went thru the exact same thing you going thru. At first I didn't know what to but what I did was I would try to talk to othher guys whho I knew that liked me for a long time but that did't work cuss I would think about my ex 24/7 so I just had to wait to get over him then I'd talk to a different guy. But y'all should atleast still be good friends, because me & my ex been broken up for almost a year & till this day wwe still talk & he also has a new gf. So just be friends with her for now

[AutumnWinds]

this is the worst possible answer, i know, but in my experience, the best thing to help you heal is time :( maybe in the mean time spend some time with friends? it might help a bit at least.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 16 months today. She was my first ever serious girlfriend.
We had a wicked friendship but our sexual relationship and affection has been diminishing over the last 2 months due to figuring out we arent really good for eachother.
I just mentioned to her today that it isnt working we want different things. She agreed and has been thinking of breaking it off for a while.

Over the last 2 months I have wanted out but there never was a good time to break it off. Now that its happen, I thought I would be okay, but I am not.

I keep thinking about her and wanting to hold her and talk to her even on Facebook chat, but I can't. Then the thought of being single and not having that security of knowing ill see my girl the next day and kiss and cuddle and talk etc. just fkn hurts. Its weird to think someone you spoke to every single day for 486 days in a row has just gone even though still love eachother but cant be together for other reasons.

Anyways, thank you for reading my bullshit,
what are some ways to help me get over this?

Thank you

[Vanilla Cupcake]

Just wondering why you two broke up? Sorry if that's too personal you don't have to say.
I was just curious is all. It sounds like you really miss her, but it could also be that you miss the love, affection and attention.
It's hard to get over someone, especially someone you were with for a long time.
It might be best to not talk to her everyday so that you can get over her. The more you talk to her the harder it might be.
Like others here said, I think you should keep busy, hang out with friends, have fun and maybe you will meet someone new! Good Luck! :)

[StoppingTom]

You're being pretty mature in your thinking, and this takes a bit of soul-searching. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but I think you should cut off contact for a long while. Figure out what you want, give yourself time to let the sting of this wear off, and just remember it was a mutual breakup, and there was a reason for it to end. You'll survive, and just think of what you've learned about yourself from this relationship.