Ex wants to be friends?

[Melodic]

My ex cheated on me a year ago with 3 other girls. I left. He kept messaging me off and on for months but would never admit what he did. Long story short. He messaged me this morning and admitted what he did to me and apologized. He said half of the truth, which I expected. I forced him to tell me the rest of it, which he did and I didn't expect.

We were best friends before we dated and he says he wants to go back to being friends. He actually was a pretty good friend to me before all the relationship stuff. He helped me through a lot (parents divorce, depression, etc) and I did the same. However, I'm pretty wary on befriending him again because of what he did. I've came so far and I'm really happy with life. I don't want something to potentially destroy that again, you know?

I'm just wondering what to do here.

[Exotic Babe]

Well, I feel like if I was in your situation, I'd just go with the flow. If you say he was a good friend and he's even helped you through a lot, I'd maybe start talking to him a little more often, maybe hang out a few times, idk, see how it goes? You don't have to become too close with him if you don't feel like you're ready for it just yet. If you just have some friendly chat and don't rush with the whole thing, I think it will be quite hard for him to somehow affect your life in a bad way. I mean, even if you're happy with your life right now, will you always stay in that comfort zone and always be too scared to let new people or old friends to your life?

[Jinglebottom]

Hold on. Three other girls?! That's beyond fucked up.

[lacey02]

Pretty deep stuff and I am probably not experienced enough to say... but I wish you the best in your decision. I have heard it is hard to just be friends again, so you should be prepared for him to want it all back again and that he may cheat again....

[redrider12]

Tough decision. He definitely doesn't deserve to be friends with you after THREE girls that's just horrible. I was in this situation not too long ago with a girl who left me for another guy. We were good friends before we dated but her leaving me fucked me up. And it still bothers me - I'm scared to really be myself around anyone anymore. But stuff with the other guy broke off and she realized that I was the really genuine one. And she started trying to talk to me again (just menial stuff). It was hard for me to just let her back into my life like that after what she'd done (and the fact that I still had some feeling for her even though I knew it wouldn't happen). I was, and still am, worried about that decision but I've told myself it doesn't matter. Like I don't bank as much on the friendship anymore as I did when we dated, so if we drift apart again, it will be on better terms

[Magenta]

Okay, being friends with your ex can be a tough call. I'm still friends with one of mine but the others? No way in fucking hell. In this case, I don't think this guy deserves your time nor effort, let alone your friendship. Yeah, you guys helped each other through a lot and then he went and cheated on you with three other girls. Does a boyfriend do that? No. Does a friend do that? No. Just because he was a good friend before doesn't mean that what he did wasn't beyond fucked up and just downright cruel to you while you were in a relationship.

He's not worth your time, Madie. If you're happier without him, just let him face the consequences of his actions. That's not your problem anymore.

[Melodic]

Thanks everyone for your advice! I decided not to be friends with him! I deserve a friend who only wishes for me to be happy, and he's proven that he doesn't.

[Uniquemind]

If anything I'd only be an acquaintance with someone like that with an iron curtain on any hopes of a rekindled relationship again.

But you've chosen a good option too, 3 other partners is outrageously bad, especially within the timespan of one year.

[Melodic]

But you've chosen a good option too, 3 other partners is outrageously bad, especially within the timespan of one year.

He was with them all at the same time last year actually. I broke it off with him when I found out he was with one girl. I didn't even know about the other two until today.

[SillyShyGuy]

Never. I have been cheated on as well. Ignore it because it is not worth it. Once a cheater always a cheater.

"It's a trap!" - Admiral Ackbar

[Uniquemind]

He was with them all at the same time last year actually. I broke it off with him when I found out he was with one girl. I didn't even know about the other two until today.

I recently watched a short psychological documentary about the brains of cheaters, and it was super interesting. This doesn't justify anything cheaters do, it just was fascinating to learn the why their brains promote the behavior, because they crave sexual variety.

There's also a genetic component to it too, the urge to cheat or fall out of a monogamous pair-bond with their primary lover.

This happens more often with guys than girls, but girls too also experience the urge to cheat but for slightly different brain wiring reasons.

There was one couple in this video where this man's wife had brain surgery, and they removed this part of her brain which prevented her from controlling her sex drive and so despite being married when the urge struck, she'd have sex with random dudes she just met and she could not stop despite knowing her poor husband was hurt by her actions.

I'll see if I can retrieve the video documentary clip, but it was shown in class.

Very interesting stuff that reframed how I understand the phenomena of cheating and in different contexts.

Your ex's brain probably functioned like this.

[outback4]

You definetly made the right choice. if he couldn't commit to your relationship, how could he have committed to your friendship. good choice for sure :)