How do I carry on?

[Princess Ariel]

I don't know if it's the fact that my grandparents are in town, or if it's the fact that it snowed last night, or if it's because I have one more semester of school. Maybe it's all of them, maybe its none of them; I don't know what it is, but I'm miserable.

I'm miserable every single day, I get through every single day, it doesn't even feel like I'm living it. I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling, because there are no words. I feel like I'm living this lie that I tell myself.

This lie that I'll be okay
This lie that everything will be okay
When the fact of the matter is:
Nothing is okay.

Nothing has been this far from okay in years. I don't feel like myself anymore, I don't feel anything anymore.

I'm numb to everything.
To all the kind-hearted gestures people make
Numb to the racing thoughts I have with every passing day.
Just simply numb.

My relationship with my family are slowly going awry, and soon I'll be left with no one and nothing. My mother said that once I'm finished school, I'll have to pay rent; to live in my own house.

I have been searching for jobs since 2009, and yet I do not have one. She is expecting me to have a job by April, when my college and my home are in two different regions. If I can't make rent, I feel like I am going to end up homeless. I've done that already, and I don't wanna go back.

I just.. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Maytheforcebewithu]

Have you thought about researching shelters? Or unemployement help from your government? I've known some friends who were in similar situations and i wouldnt wish that upon anyone. Do you have any friends you can couch surf with? Or you could find rommies? Usually thats cheaper. Sometimes finding a job is easier, if you walk around your area where you live, and if you see help wanted sign, you can go in and drop a resume.

Im sorry you are going through rough times. Stay strong.