The Need.

[northy]

This is a topic that I feel I say a lot in this forum and I'd like to make a thread for it.
What is the need for people to come out? I mean, why do gay people feel obligated to 'come out' to people despite them not having a relationship with anyone? Do straight people need to start 'coming out'? I don't need to tell every other person that I meet on the street about my sexual preference, yet some people do. Or at least, that's what the stereotype seems to be portraying. On the few occasions where I hear my homophobic parents not saying nasty things about gay people, they're moaning about how they have to have gay pride 'in their face all the time'. That's another point, why don't we all just get on with our lives without all the gay pride sh*t. Doing a march in the City centre isn't going to stop ISIS killing homosexuals is it? It won't stop the gay kid getting bullied and it won't make our situation any better apart from annoying the homophobic people because they see too much of the gay pride stuff everywhere and it gets 'in their face'.

[Babs]

I never felt the need to come out. Come to think of it, I don't think I was ever actually closeted. I only talk about it if someone asks, I guess.

I don't know why it's a big thing. I suppose because of the stigma, although that has subsided considerably in the last few years. I think it's just become something you do. Straight people don't come out of the closet because everybody already knows they're straight.

Gay pride parades and shit aren't my thing, I don't see the purpose, nor do I feel they help me in anyway. But I do see why others might feel differently. I don't know, maybe it raises awareness.

I agree that my sexual orientation doesn't need to be a big fuss, but people complaining about gay people shoving it in their face all the time are exaggerating imo. While I'm not that into gay pride, it doesn't affect people far beyond slight annoyance.

[Bluebyrd]

Roger that

[HunterDaniels]

This is a topic that I feel I say a lot in this forum and I'd like to make a thread for it.
What is the need for people to come out? I mean, why do gay people feel obligated to 'come out' to people despite them not having a relationship with anyone? Do straight people need to start 'coming out'? I don't need to tell every other person that I meet on the street about my sexual preference, yet some people do. Or at least, that's what the stereotype seems to be portraying. On the few occasions where I hear my homophobic parents not saying nasty things about gay people, they're moaning about how they have to have gay pride 'in their face all the time'. That's another point, why don't we all just get on with our lives without all the gay pride sh*t. Doing a march in the City centre isn't going to stop ISIS killing homosexuals is it? It won't stop the gay kid getting bullied and it won't make our situation any better apart from annoying the homophobic people because they see too much of the gay pride stuff everywhere and it gets 'in their face'.

I'm sorry but you're Sooo wrong. It does help. It does make a difference.
The more gay people that are out shows how many of us there actually is. You don't think gay kids have it easier today the
An they did 20 years ago? How bout 50 years ago? Yea they do, trust me. And the reason they do is because more and more people are out and proud. Not closeted and hiding it. Cuz hiding it means you're ashamed of who and what you are.
Coming out doesn't have to mean this big thing like making a video or announcing it to everyone. Coming out or BEING out means not hiding your sexuality. None of my friends do. Why should I? All of my friends make it known that they are heterosexual. How? By dating girls and saying how girls are hot. Why shouldn't I be able to do the same things? Being out means being who I am. It's how I was born and I shouldn't have to hide it. That doesn't mean FLAUNT it or throw it in people's faces. Just not hiding your sexuality.
Simple.

[Exotic Babe]

I agree with Northy, but HunterDaniels also has a point... I don't think all the labeling is necessary, but then again, I quite often tell my friends about how one or another guy is hot, so gay people probably wanna do the same and talk about their feelings and stuff so I guess it's basically coming out as well and if you feel like a label suits you, going by it is probably easier, because you're gonna get questions on your orientation anyway. However, many teens do seem to feel obligated to come out - I've seen so many people asking on whether they should come out or saying how they are going to come out, although they're still confused about their sexuality or just haven't accepted it yet.

[northy]

I'm sorry but you're Sooo wrong. It does help. It does make a difference.
The more gay people that are out shows how many of us there actually is. You don't think gay kids have it easier today the
An they did 20 years ago? How bout 50 years ago? Yea they do, trust me. And the reason they do is because more and more people are out and proud. Not closeted and hiding it. Cuz hiding it means you're ashamed of who and what you are.
Coming out doesn't have to mean this big thing like making a video or announcing it to everyone. Coming out or BEING out means not hiding your sexuality. None of my friends do. Why should I? All of my friends make it known that they are heterosexual. How? By dating girls and saying how girls are hot. Why shouldn't I be able to do the same things? Being out means being who I am. It's how I was born and I shouldn't have to hide it. That doesn't mean FLAUNT it or throw it in people's faces. Just not hiding your sexuality.
Simple.
I can be who I am without telling anyone my sexuality. It is a small fairly insignificant part of who I am.
Not everyone has it easier, yes I wouldn't be arrested; but I would be disowned by my entire family and most of my friends.

[UNKNOWN8198]

I personally only feel the need to come out because of the amount of time I have previously denied it when I didn't want to be, and I know that those around me wouldn't care that I am gay. I've also got to the point where I'd like to be in a relationship, and I want to be open about myself when I am in one eventually. I wouldn't proclaim my homosexuality to everyone, obviously, but once I'm happy that my close friend group knew/had it confirmed I would only bring it up if needed to other people. I'm really not the kind of person to talk about 'how hot' that guy is so that's not something I really need to worry about as much for me. I do agree that the whole 'coming out' idea is wrong, and that nothing should be assumed of anybody, unless they've made it very clear, but then that's still subject to change. Just cause a guy is dating a girl, doesn't mean he's straight, or even bi, unless that guy has said he is either (I understand in most cases it does but it's still just assumptions). As said, the only reason I feel the need to is because I spent 3 years denying it strenuously when questioned. I agree that it's a small part about me, however, along with all of my other small parts, it's one that I want to be open about with the people that I care about.

On the gay pride side, I do think that it is important. I agree that it's not going to stop 'ISIS killing homosexuals', and even if it does annoy some closed-minded people like your parents (I'm sorry btw), it has succeeded in getting us rights that we wouldn't have otherwise (e.g. marriage, and now in some countries the right to give blood, where in those countries we weren't allowed to)

[Uniquemind]

It's what I call "the elastic effect", the need to express it comes from the rebound effect from efforts to hide it.

It's the same psychological phenomena behind wild behavior some people do, once they are no longer under the controlled setting of their parents or guardians.

Both are huge issues of self-defining oneself and of their ego.

[Hermes]

Northy, you mention you have homophobic parents. So, when they make some derogatory remark about gay people what do you do? Do you nod or give a kind of half-hearted agreement so as not to offend them? Do you let it wash over you without comment? Do you tell them their opinions are from the dark ages and to get educated? Or do you say "don't be so rude, I'm one of them"?

I am actually asking you to answer that here but but to think about it and think about whether you are happy with how you respond, whether you feel you are being deceitful or perhaps caught between a rock and hard place or indeed whether you just have to think too much about your answer when you should be able to be honest.

Although the term "coming out" is usually only used for people's sexual orientation it is part of a wider picture of being yourself rather than attempting to be what you perceive others expect you to be. We all adapt our behaviour to different situations, people sometimes call it wearing a mask, but the further the personality we project in a given situation is away from our own personality the more mental energy it takes and if you can never truly be yourself it is emotionally draining.

I am included to agree with you that one does not have to go from one extreme to the other, i.e. from hiding your true to self to metaphorically shouting "look at me" and for the vast majority of life someone's sexual orientation should not of any consequence so there are plenty of situations in which you need neither mention it, nor give any kind of deliberate clue, but there maybe situations in which is easier if people know, i.e. the example of friends talking about who they find attractive.

[HunterDaniels]

I can be who I am without telling anyone my sexuality. It is a small fairly insignificant part of who I am.
Not everyone has it easier, yes I wouldn't be arrested; but I would be disowned by my entire family and most of my friends.

I totally respect you for whether you want to be out or not Dan. It just doesn't seem like you have that same respect for people that WANT to be out.
And if even a small part of who I am is something I have to lie about around people or make me have to pretend to be someone I'm not, well that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't like having to date girls and pretend to like it. So I didn't date girls. Then I had to make excuses for why I didn't like a girl back and make excuses for why I didn't ever have a girlfriend.
And I also couldn't have a boyfriend if I wanted to.
I couldn't say outloud "wow that guy is cute!"
I couldn't be myself.
Why can't you see that some people (not you) would want that freedom?

[ashdaniel]

I'm sorry but you're Sooo wrong. It does help. It does make a difference.
The more gay people that are out shows how many of us there actually is. You don't think gay kids have it easier today the
An they did 20 years ago? How bout 50 years ago? Yea they do, trust me. And the reason they do is because more and more people are out and proud. Not closeted and hiding it. Cuz hiding it means you're ashamed of who and what you are.
Coming out doesn't have to mean this big thing like making a video or announcing it to everyone. Coming out or BEING out means not hiding your sexuality. None of my friends do. Why should I? All of my friends make it known that they are heterosexual. How? By dating girls and saying how girls are hot. Why shouldn't I be able to do the same things? Being out means being who I am. It's how I was born and I shouldn't have to hide it. That doesn't mean FLAUNT it or throw it in people's faces. Just not hiding your sexuality.
Simple.

I totally agree with you. I am bisexual but I am not "out" yet. The hardest part of my life is telling people my sexuality growing up. I fell wrong and terrified sometime because of who I am but recent years. I just start to realize who I really I am and admit to it. I have date two guys. I break up with my ex because I am not out and I am afraid. I keep the whole relationship under water. After a year, I actual start telling my close friends that I am bi and I have date guy. I feel so relief. Everything is different from the time you tell someone you true self. I didnt come out in public/social media because I feel my relationship is personal. I dont need anyone's advise. I will tell my close friends and people I trust but I wont just ramdomly telling people my sexuality because it is not they business. Also, I wont come out to my family because they are traditional closed mind people. I respect they lifestyle and I dont live with them anymore.
I can personal related to the whole things about comeing out. It is part to express who we are. If one day, people dont have to hide same gender holding hand and kissing public. I believe the whole thing about coming out will be gone because no one will be in closet. I believe we are there soon. Our next generation will be more open mind.

[HunterDaniels]

After a year, I actual start telling my close friends that I am bi and I have date guy. I feel so relief. Everything is different from the time you tell someone you true self.

Thats a great feeling isnt it?
Even if you tell just one person, then thats a great step. Then you see how good you feel when you can be your 100% self around that one person and it feels so good you want it more. So you tell another person and before you k ow it youre out to everyone.
Will they ALL be totally accepting and everything is fine? Nope prob not but at least you can stop pretending. And after 7 months I even had one friend say he was sorry for not accepting me when I told him. So even the ones that didnt like it might even come to accept it.

[Straya]

I'm sorry but you're Sooo wrong. It does help. It does make a difference.
The more gay people that are out shows how many of us there actually is. You don't think gay kids have it easier today the
An they did 20 years ago? How bout 50 years ago? Yea they do, trust me. And the reason they do is because more and more people are out and proud. Not closeted and hiding it. Cuz hiding it means you're ashamed of who and what you are.
Coming out doesn't have to mean this big thing like making a video or announcing it to everyone. Coming out or BEING out means not hiding your sexuality. None of my friends do. Why should I? All of my friends make it known that they are heterosexual. How? By dating girls and saying how girls are hot. Why shouldn't I be able to do the same things? Being out means being who I am. It's how I was born and I shouldn't have to hide it. That doesn't mean FLAUNT it or throw it in people's faces. Just not hiding your sexuality.
Simple.

i completely agree i dont feel the need to throw my sexuality in people faces and coming out to my friends was just so they know that im not interested in girls and really apart from my friends family and the person im hitting on no one else needs to know im gay

[northy]

I totally respect you for whether you want to be out or not Dan. It just doesn't seem like you have that same respect for people that WANT to be out.
And if even a small part of who I am is something I have to lie about around people or make me have to pretend to be someone I'm not, well that makes me uncomfortable.
I didn't like having to date girls and pretend to like it. So I didn't date girls. Then I had to make excuses for why I didn't like a girl back and make excuses for why I didn't ever have a girlfriend.
And I also couldn't have a boyfriend if I wanted to.
I couldn't say outloud "wow that guy is cute!"
I couldn't be myself.
Why can't you see that some people (not you) would want that freedom?

I do respect that other people want to be out. I just think that it is such an insignificant part of who a person is. Having overheard other people's discussions about new people, if they happen to be gay or bi, the first thing that everyone knows about them is that they're not straight. Why is this? People can have that freedom, I just think that it is pointless and somewhat destructive to have people flaunt their sexuality around. My opinion on it is that if I'm ever out, people will find out that I'm gay by me telling them that I have a boyfriend. Not by hearing rumours about me being gay and knowing it the instant they meet me. It is not a big part of who I am.

[Hudor]

i agree with HunterDaniels.
Coming out doesn't have to be some grand public affair and you certainly don't need to flaunt it in everyone's face.
Also, i think coming out or pride parades won't be necessary ideally but we're far from an ideal situation. Coming out might be important for people for people who have been denying/repressing their sexuality for long.
Also pride parades are meant to show solidarity and support for the lgbt. It is basically meant to put in the faces of homophobes that the community won't hide anymore and to show the closeted lgbt that they have they aren't the only ones out there. Just knowing a pride parade was held and tons of people showed can help closeted people some shred of hope. Although, i don't consider the vulgarity that's displayed as justifiable but the basic idea seems good enough to me.

[Uniquemind]

I do respect that other people want to be out. I just think that it is such an insignificant part of who a person is. Having overheard other people's discussions about new people, if they happen to be gay or bi, the first thing that everyone knows about them is that they're not straight. Why is this? People can have that freedom, I just think that it is pointless and somewhat destructive to have people flaunt their sexuality around. My opinion on it is that if I'm ever out, people will find out that I'm gay by me telling them that I have a boyfriend. Not by hearing rumours about me being gay and knowing it the instant they meet me. It is not a big part of who I am.

But it's a big part of who they are.

People want to know so they don't waste time and effort attempting to get laid by a person who 100% won't give out the desired outcome.

[northy]

But it's a big part of who they are.

People want to know so they don't waste time and effort attempting to get laid by a person who 100% won't give out the desired outcome.

Gay bars were created for a reason!

[HunterDaniels]

I do respect that other people want to be out. I just think that it is such an insignificant part of who a person is. Having overheard other people's discussions about new people, if they happen to be gay or bi, the first thing that everyone knows about them is that they're not straight. Why is this? People can have that freedom, I just think that it is pointless and somewhat destructive to have people flaunt their sexuality around. My opinion on it is that if I'm ever out, people will find out that I'm gay by me telling them that I have a boyfriend. Not by hearing rumours about me being gay and knowing it the instant they meet me. It is not a big part of who I am.

Yea I get what you're saying. Some ppl do make too big of a deal about it. Like when I'm on hangouts and someone messages me the first thing they ask me if I'm gay straight or bi. Why do you care?
Also tho I think so many teens that are gay talk about it so much because it's like so Newton them. So they make it the first line of their profiles on FB or Twitter or Insta
Or they have a real attitude about it. I always read profiles that start with a line like "I'm 15 years old and yes I'm gay! And if you don't like it then too bad!
I'm like Take it easy! Lol no one was asking if you're gay! And don't make their first impression of a gay person being like a maniac! :eek: Lol

[Uniquemind]

Yea I get what you're saying. Some ppl do make too big of a deal about it. Like when I'm on hangouts and someone messages me the first thing they ask me if I'm gay straight or bi. Why do you care?
Also tho I think so many teens that are gay talk about it so much because it's like so Newton them. So they make it the first line of their profiles on FB or Twitter or Insta
Or they have a real attitude about it. I always read profiles that start with a line like "I'm 15 years old and yes I'm gay! And if you don't like it then too bad!
I'm like Take it easy! Lol no one was asking if you're gay! And don't make their first impression of a gay person being like a maniac! :eek: Lol

Well perhaps it's because of repression due to past decades of cultural treatment.

Acceptance is just starting and only in the developed world.

People have a chip on their shoulder so they take an abrasive tone expecting ridicule. They aren't always wrong either there are a lot of crappy ignorant people who are rude.

[Uniquemind]

Gay bars were created for a reason!

Idk what they do in England, but last I checked teenagers can't enter those.

Even if they could it creates a separate but equal concept problem in society again.


Edit: Plz merge posts this double post was done in error.

[northy]

Idk what they do in England, but last I checked teenagers can't enter those.

Even if they could it creates a separate but equal concept problem in society again.


Edit: Plz merge posts this double post was done in error.

Teenagers can't enter bars and clubs for straight people either. Your point is irrelevant.

[Uniquemind]

Teenagers can't enter bars and clubs for straight people either. Your point is irrelevant.

No you missed the point.

They cannot congregate there for the purpose of finding like-minded and sexually oriented partners.

Straight people don't have that obstacle, therefore back to the main topic, it becomes appropriate to ask which team ya play for in other settings besides gay bars.

I think social media has changed the game a bit though.