Still in love. What do I do?

[cra1g]

Okay so this is going to be long and I apologize for that in advance but I don’t think there’s a way to explain it any shorter.

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So I dated a girl for two years and I was completely in love with her and she with me. We were both each other’s first love and first to sleep with. It was great. Well for the most part.

Our relationship was not very healthy in some aspects. While we were each other’s best friend and we were very honest with each other, we failed in other areas. We spent all our time together and hardly ever spent time with our friends. She could be a little jealous and I am stubborn as hell. But regardless of that we still loved each other and wanted to be together.

Another big problem in our relationship was that we never spent any time with my parents; we were always in my room doing things we shouldn’t have been doing while they were in the house. My parents were very uncomfortable though they didn’t say anything to me for the time period while it was happening. A big problem was that she never really got to know my parents and they didn’t know if they even liked her. They were also terrified that I was going to give up on college and give up my dream of becoming a Professional Pilot to be with her. And I understand where that fear comes from for them because they got married young and have always wished they hadn’t so that my dad wouldn’t have had to drop out of college to work and put food on the table. But my argument is that I am not them and I do listen to them when they give me advice. And they were scared that she was going to end up pregnant and that my life would be ruined even though we were safe and I assured them of that all the time. Anyways, they were very upset and not at all okay with me being with her and that led to our eventual break up. I’m very close with my parents and what they think matters a lot to me and I couldn’t go on knowing that I was hurting them by being with this girl, so, even though I didn’t want to, I ended things with her.

There were a few other factors that pushed me toward that decision as well. One of the biggest was that I was a year ahead of her in school and I am going to college two hours away and I just didn’t think that it was going to work being that far away. And to be honest I still don’t think it would have worked out if we had tried and I think that it would be way worse between us now so I don’t regret breaking up with her when I did which was right after graduation in May this year (2015).

Over the summer we didn’t see each other except once about a month after we broke up. We talked and she told me that she had slept with someone else because she thought it would help her get over me but that she regretted it horribly and wished it had never happened. Needless to say, I was pissed off about this for about another month after I found out so it kind of helped me to not be sad. And throughout the summer I truly thought I was okay and that I was moving on but now I believe that it was because I was so busy that it was just easy to compartmentalize it and put it away.

About a month after I moved to college (after I had a routine and things had calmed down a bit) it really started to hit me. I was not okay and not anywhere near being over her. So about a month after that one night I got really upset and ended up writing her a letter explaining why things had to be the way are and that I was sorry and that I would always love her but we just couldn’t be together. I didn’t give her this note but while I was writing it I realized that the reasons we had to break up were my fault and not hers. I was the one that always kept her in my bedroom with me away from my parents and I was the one that was too focused on sex to think about how it could have been making my parents feel and how it must have made her feel as well. And I realized that I should have made our relationship different in the fact that we shouldn’t have spent all our time together and that we needed to spend time with our friends.

So I went back and forth on whether or not I needed to talk to her about all these things and I was already leaning more towards yes (partly because I just wanted to see her again) when my cousin told me that she and him had talked about things and that she had revealed that she thought that the everything was her fault. So I texted her last Thursday night and had her meet me in town the next day to talk.

When she got there I immediately went into the things that I really needed to tell her (which surprisingly only took about thirty minutes) and then we just talked about how life had been and everything. We fell back into our natural groove and for a little while things seemed normal again. We were and still are extremely comfortable with each other and we always told each other everything so that’s what we did that day as well.

The conversation went on for a while and eventually it ended up with us kissing and holding on to each other for dear life even though we knew that it probably wasn’t the best idea. And of course we both voiced how much we wished things were different and that we could still be together. Then she said that we didn’t know if it could work now or not and that I could talk to my parents now and explain to them that I realize that I made them uncomfortable and that my past relationship with this girl was not healthy but that I knew how to fix that now. And also that there is no way I would ever give up on my dream of becoming a Professional Pilot for a girl and that this girl wouldn’t let me do that either.

That night after we talked, while I was trying to go to sleep I realized that I was still in love with her. I knew that I still loved her and that I would do anything for her if she needed me but I didn’t realize that I was still IN love with her before that moment.

She texted me the next day and told me that while seeing me was nice it set her back a lot further than she thought it would. She told me that she also didn’t realize that she was still in love with me and that she just doesn’t understand the whole thing with my family and that she wishes that I had just stood up to my parents for us. I replied and told her that I am ashamed of myself for not at least trying to stand up to my parents. And that I wish I had but that things are the way they are and that I just don’t think they can be different no matter how much I wish they could. She then told me that she just wants me to talk to my parents and see if they could be more understanding of all this.

The biggest problem with this is that my mother is possibly even more stubborn than I am and while I do love her very much, she can be a royal b***** sometimes especially if she wants to hold a grudge. But I just don’t think that there is any way she will okay with it anytime soon. And my dad has never been as upset as when he thought that I was going to give up my dream for this girl. I don’t want to hurt my parents but I love this girl and I don’t know what to do.

I also don’t think that us trying again while she’s still in high school is a good idea. I think that once she’s out and in college that we could maybe make it work but I just don’t know.

So here’s my question(s).

Do I talk to my parents and base my actions off their reactions? And if so, do I talk to them now or do I wait longer? How long?

Do I just say screw my parents, I love this girl and I want to be with her so you aren’t going to stop me?

Or do I just push this all away and try to really move on with my life?


It has been seven months and I just don’t think that I should still feel this way if it is truly over between us..

[SillyShyGuy]

My first love was my last year of high school as well. I did love her very much, but it does not mean it was healthy for us to be together. She was a Jehovah's witness while the rest of her family and I are not. Looking at it realistically, she had no interest in getting a college education, she only does chores at home, and would never get a job. I loved her even though she had a disease that she could pass on to our children if we had any. I loved her even though she was not confident in her body. I loved her even though her family was struggling with her sister 16 year old sister having a baby. I was not perfect either. I was the jealous type, I gave in whenever she asked for money or for me to buy her things, and we would have arguments about my plans for college and my current job.

Love only goes so far. Unless you want to live in poverty, or in the wilderness, money is a big issue. At least if you became a pilot you would not have to worry about money. Remember she slept with someone only after you broke up so it is not cheating and there is no reason to be mad. You can get back together if you really love her, but your education should not be sacrificed. Family comes first and I would honor my parents than give my loyalties to a girl who would be sleeping with other guys first thing after we broke up.

[cra1g]

Thanks for the advice!

[City Kid]

I don't really agree with SillyShyGuy to be honest. Family doesn't have to come first in my opinion. In this case I'd even go as far as saying that the most important thing is that you do what makes YOU happy. It's your relationship, so it's not really your parents' business.
My father dislikes the fact that I'm in a relationship, too. He thinks that I'm gonna get pregnant and he doesn't like that I'm home less often because I spend a lot of time at my boyfriend's.
I'm not saying that I don't care about what my parents think, and I'm not saying that you should, either. But I think after all, all they want is for us to be happy and sometimes to be happy we need to do things they don't agree with.

[Uniquemind]

I think your number one and number three questions are best.

Don't just screw your parent's thoughts, that'll create a long term power struggle between you that'll put more obstacles in your way than help you to your goals.

But you need to beat them accurately to the elephant in the room about why they're uncomfortable with her.

Tell them you are to blame because you were leading the relationship in some respects and she was sequestered away in your little lovenest and she didn't fight against that for fear of drama sake and her own personal shyness.

Tell them the sex will be toned down and that if you really tried to get her to know you parents this time around it might be better.

The only real problem is the you're in college she's in her last year of high school. That's a long distance issue, but it's doable.

With regards to your girlfriend, confront her with the concept of why she thinks of "going backwards" when she met you. If there's still mutual love there, then hope remains that both of you can step away from the passion of it all, and tweak and polish what made it fail the first time and avoid those same pitfalls.

That's what a relationship is about, it's the ability not just thinking about how events or words said in the relationship made one or both individuals feel, it's balancing that and then building a path that lasts and self-corrects in a humble constructive loving manner moving forward.

Sometimes the forward mirrors the past, but you'd do yourself a disservice to invision oneself as "moving back" when obviously the other partner wants to keep trying but vary up the tactics and rhythm of tone of the relationship before (breakup, fight, disagreement).

Understand?

[cra1g]

Thank you both for your replies Uniquemind and City Kid

My family is much closer than most. My first cousins and I consider each other siblings even though I have never lived with them. They are my best friends. We live 100 yards away from each other and as children we spent the night either with each other or at our grandparents almost every weekend. The entire family is almost always together and we are always going to my grandparents for dinner or to just hang out. So all of us kids' relationships kind of depend how well our significant others get along with our family. Our 'extras' as we call them have to be inducted into the family quite unanimously or it just won't work. Everyone besides my parents like my ex quite well and she liked them too. However, while they do like her, most of them don't think that it would have worked and don't think that we should be together now. And I couldn't have a significant other who doesn't feel welcomed and loved by my family because I can't imagine ever having the rift between myself and them that it would create. I think that if I were to get back together with my ex and we proved to them that it is a healthy relationship and that she is what makes me happy the rest of my family would be okay with it. I don't know about my parents though. I don't see them getting past what has happened or being able to accept it and move on. I want my future wife to have a good relationship with my parents along with the rest of my family.

I probably just need to talk to them and explain that I understand now and that if we were to get back together things would be different and that I know how to fix the problems. But I'm terrified to do it.

Before my ex and I broke up and after my parents told me how bad things were, my relationship with them was very strained and frankly a little hostile. I don't want things to go back to being that way and I'm worried that if I talk to them that is exactly what will happen. However, now I feel like the relationship we have built since my ex and I broke up has been founded on dishonesty and misdirection on my part whether subconsciously (as it was over the summer) or actively avoiding the topics (what I've been doing since September). I don't know whether I should tell them the truth and reopen the old wounds risking another bout of rockiness or protect them and try to move on. I feel like I owe them honesty but I know that if I tell them these things that it will upset them.

I'm going back to college in a week and while I don't want to hurt them I feel like I need to talk to them.

So..
Would it be better to talk to them before I leave?

Talk to them right before I leave so as to let there be distance?

Talk to them after I go back?

Wait until the semester is over so the problem of my ex still being in high school is resolved and give myself more time to think about these things?

Or not at all?


Sorry about the second installment in my series of novels...

[Uniquemind]

That depends on how good communication is with your parents if it ends up being a conversation and you choose your word choice and tone to be analytical and self-reflective, then it's less likely to cause issues.

The trick is to get your parents to (like lawyers) specifically articulate examples about why they dislike your ex, if their reasons end up being related to your dominance over her in the relationship (you admitted you were the one guiding its hide in the bedroom vibe) the you need to tell your parents that's your fault and that you can change that and she'll respect that.

Have you talked to your ex about shifting the balance of the relationship if hypothetically you got together? Does she recognize what was unhealthy or unbalanced in the relationship before? If she does that's a good partner you shouldn't throw away because of family convenience.

Talk to your parents now.


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However keep in mind another obstacle is that her life goals might push her into a college far away from your life goals.

If that happens it's long distance and that's hard to do. Only the most disciplined and devoted couples make long distance work, and that's being said in a descriptive sense, no offense to anybody here implying the inverse if they failed in a long distance relationship.

[cra1g]

Thanks for the advice. Uniquemind

I still haven't talked to them as I couldn't work up the nerve to do it before I left for college. But, I now I have wrote down what I need to say to them so I won't forget anything so I guess that's good. I am planning on speaking with them soon, probably the next time I'm home.

As for my ex, when I talked to her last month and explained how things were my fault she seemed to agree with me that we didn't have a healthy relationship. We haven't necessarily talked about shifting the balance of the relationship specifically, but we agree that things would have to be very different from what we had before.

And she is going to a different college which is just as far away as my home town from my college so the distance would still be a problem. But I think that if we went into this knowing that things would be different then that could just be one of the things that would be different. I know that long distance relationships are hard but I think that we could make it work once she's out of high school.

Either way I still need to talk to my parents regardless of whether she and I are going to get back together or not as there are more things than just the issue of her that need to be discussed.

So, I'll give an update after I talk with them as to how it goes.

[Uniquemind]

Sounds like a plan! Yay!

[Vanilla Cupcake]

At the end of your story you wrote that you should wait until she is out of high school.
Is this her last year of school? If that's the case why don't you wait and decide in 5 months from now?

If you don't want to wait, then yes talk to your parents and let them know your thoughts.
Regardless of what they say, I would do what YOU want to do and never mind Them.

This is your life, your GF and you should be able to do what you want, especially at your age.

Your parents could end up hating every one of your next GF's, so what, your just going to stay single if mommy and daddy don't agree?

As for being a pilot, why would having a GF change that?

Good luck!

[cra1g]

Vanilla Cupcake

Yes this is her last year of high school, but I'm just sick of lying to my parents and acting like I'm perfectly fine when in fact I'm not.

And I agree that I need to do what makes me happy, but I want my parents to be okay with my decisions as well. If it comes down to either my parents or my happiness then I will choose my happiness and they will come to terms with it eventually. However, I have a very close relationship with my parents and if I can help the situation before it begins then that's what I'm going to do. Family is incredibly important in my life and I need my significant other to be a part of that.

As far as having a GF changing me being a pilot, it won't. My parents were just terrified that I was going to give up college and my training to be with this girl because that's what my father did when my parents got married and because my ex and I spent way too much time together and they thought we were completely dependent on each other. I think that they just can't understand that I'm not going to make the same mistakes they did and that I actually listen to them when they give me advice.