I don't want to be gay

[Ineedsomehelp]

When I hit puberty (age 12) I realized I was different, I had zero attraction for girls. For over 4 years I tried to tell myself that I'm not gay, I tried to tell myself that it's a phase. I'm now 17 and I know i'm gay and i hate it. I want to be normal, to fit in with the rest of the people, to not disappoint my parents. I hide my feelings from everyone I have ever met, I've seen some of the my friends come out, I've seen the way people talk behind their backs or call them a fag in the hallway, I've seen their families disown them. I just want to be normal. I want a girlfriend, I want kids. I feel so alone in myself, I have friends who don't even know the real me. I've pretended to love girls, had sex and dated people I did not even like to attempt to fit in. I'm slowing dying inside as people are beginning to realize that I'm different. People are starting to ask if I'm gay and I deny it everytime, but I know that they know there's something up. I live in a traditional family, I've heard of how my family and school mates talk about gays, "disgusting faggots" "fucking pussies". I can't take it anymore, i've cried myself to sleep more times then i can count.

[Ainsleyshea]

accept it it the only way to move on

[Sherman]

You can't change who you are. If you are afraid of being accepted by your family and friends, then wait until you go to college and live on your own. I'm sure people are more accepting. There are always going to be those strict religious traditionalist who does not like gay people, but you can't let that stop you from being you. Once you accept your self for who you are, you will feel much better. You will find someone you love and you can live in an accepting place.

[Abhorrence]

You're just going to have to find acceptance within yourself. Before you have to even think about the acceptance of others, you have to find it within yourself. Maybe do not come out to your family if you have a fear of them disowning you, especially if you are not independent financially. Your friends wouldn't be true friends if they did not accept you. Homophobia is a thing that exists and some people may not like the fact you're gay but they should still like you because sexuality does not make you the person you are.

[northy]

accept it it the only way to move on
No. I hate being get as well and my coping mechanism is to ignore it. I still hate myself, even though I've accepted it. There is a difference between acceptance and hating yourself.

[Sherman]

No. I hate being get as well and my coping mechanism is to ignore it. I still hate myself, even though I've accepted it. There is a difference between acceptance and hating yourself.
It's going to be hard to like yourself but it has to be done. There is nothing wrong with being gay and you need to know that. There's nothing you can do about being gay. It's who you are and you can't change that.

[Jinglebottom]

I'm gonna be real blunt here and tell you that trying to "turn straight" (either by conversion therapy, praying to whatever deity you believe in to heal you, or just convincing yourself that you are indeed straight) is not only detrimental to your mental health, but is also just a big fucking waste of time. The "ex-gay movement" is a load of BS.

[SethfromMI]

sadly you cannot choose your sexuality. It may be hard but you got to try to learn to accept yourself and love yourself for who you are

[UNKNOWN8198]

Surprisingly for me, this is actually something that I can kind of relate to. From about 10 I could start to tell that I had no interest in girls, and by 13 knew that I was gay, but it was the last thing I wanted to be, and I was 100% sure that I would never be okay with it. The main reason for this is because I wanted to be absolutely 'normal' and to not stand out for any reason whatsoever. This was mainly because I had big trouble making friends (very socially awkward) and I thought that being a 'normal' person would help in some way. Because at this point I also wasn't out to myself, let alone other people I had the great delight of hearing what other people thought about the 1 out guy at my school, which just made me hate it more.

The main way that I got over this was by changing my surroundings. I'd just finished school, so had moved to sixth form, so I took this opportunity to change my friend group to one that I knew would be okay with it, and I did my best to make being gay 'normal', so I could learn to be okay with me being gay. I stopped talking to my religious friends, even if I knew they'd be okay with it, because I always felt that I'd be a disappointment to them if I did come out, and I also stopped talking to the people who I knew wouldn't be okay with it. I watched a lot more youtube videos from gay vloggers, or just people who talked about their lives, so that I could show myself that it was okay, and that gay people had normal lives and had people who were okay with it. I also took the step of becoming okay with calling myself bisexual first (privately), even though I knew I wasn't, so kind of taking baby steps towards the truth that I was scared of, because I knew that I wasn't going to make the jump in one go.

Because one of your reasons for not wanting to be gay is because of the normality, I would try and involve it more in your life somehow to make it more normal. When I began trying to, I would watch videos in incognito browser at midnight, cause I was embarrassed that I was doing it, but it became far easier as it became more normal for me.
Also, given your age (I don't know where you live so may be wrong) I'm guessing, like me, you'll be off to university or job or similar in the next year (or 2), so take that opportunity to change your friend group to a group that would be okay with you being gay, and try to distance yourself from the people who sprout negative thoughts all of the time. The main problem I had with the name calling, was not the words themselves but the fact that that person intended for there to be negativity behind it. I only became okay with it because the idiots who were doing it went to a worse school than me, cause they were idiots, and it meant that I could deal with me being gay without the negativity in the background. How are you going to be able to deal with someone saying that being gay is bad in some form or another (eg 'fucking pussies') when you have started to believe them?? Once I'd realised that, I started to distance myself from people, and I suggest that you try to do the same. You need friends that are friends with the actual you, not the person that you act like to be normal. Been down that road, and am now far happier with myself, cause I can be me without worrying about what people think about me. I'm not even fully out yet, but I'm okay enough with myself that if someone did have a problem with me, I could just tell them to piss off.

If your parents love you truly, then they will not care about you being gay, however even if they might, that shouldn't stop you from becoming okay with yourself. If you hate a part of yourself, it can very easily and quickly lead to depression, and your mental health is far more important than what your parents or anyone else thinks about you. Also remember that being gay is a part of you that you cant change, however much you may want to, as I learnt as well. The quicker I realised that, the easier it became to be okay with myself, because I knew I'd have to face it eventually. When I eventually did, it was because I was fed up of being miserable with myself, and I wanted to change it.

...This seemed to turn into a bit of a ramble and I've written quite a lot, so I'm gonna stop, however please PM if you want to talk about anything. I hope this collection of disordered sentences helps somehow. :P

[lliam]

I want to be normal, to fit in with the rest of the people, to not disappoint my parents.



No one is born to fulfill the expectations of others. So, first of all, learn to get away from this thinking. It is rather the case that your parents, your friends etc have to learn to accept you as you are.

That you've to do as well. So, if you're really gay, you will always remain gay, no matter how well you learn to adjust yourself to the ususal expectations of others. Means in your case: you'll never live the life of a heterosexual man.

And imo the main thing is, you will betray your wife and possibly your children, if you intend to start a family. So consider if you really want to live the life of a imposter.

No offense, apart from being gay and such, I bet, you're no different from other people. Just a normal guy.

[hesaidhesaid]

There is no such thing as normal. NO such thing. My advice? Be what you are and be happy. Do not try to conform to what everyone else is doing. It will only make you unhappier and out of place. And you dont have to tell your mates if you dont want to. I still dont tell them.

Please PM me anytime...I feel like I know about this topic a lot because I went thru something a little similar.

Good luck. HL

[northy]

It's going to be hard to like yourself but it has to be done. There is nothing wrong with being gay and you need to know that. There's nothing you can do about being gay. It's who you are and you can't change that.
Well if I do, it makes it more likely that I will come out. If that happens, I shall have ruined my life. I would be thrown out and disowned, my parents told me years ago that I would be if I were gay. I am simply choosing the option that is safer and likely to lead to me being happier in the long term.

[ZACK0]

OMFG I LITERALLY FEEL THE EXACT SAME i know how it feels not being able to accept yourself not being able to look in the mirror and be who you want to be i know how it feels man your message made me realise im not the only one im going through the EXACT same thing as you.

[Slashman1]

i promise you your not the only one that feels this way but i know that faking it makes it worse and try not to listen to what people say its there opinion or they are just trying to fit into the crowd by going along with it but dating and having sex with girls is not the way to i go it makes you hurt more then before and everybody is different even if there straight or not but your not the only one i go through the same thing you don't have to tell people you are its not there business its yours and only yours

[Adriangay12]

I Have the same exact problem I want to be gay but then I don't, I want people to see mae as the real me not the fake me my old friends started calling me faggot weirdo asshole but its cause of my voice i have a really gay voice but I don't act gay when puberty hit for me when I was like 12 I started to notice a change. Like a really didn't want a girlfriend but It keeps haunting me that everyone treats me like crap from my voice but is it ok to put up with this shit I really have never ever let my guard down I am very smart in school but can I really accecpt that I will continue to loose my friends over my voice. I really don't want to fail in my next three years of high school and start loosing my self esteem and my confidence

[ECSTASY]

You deserve more than that . It's non of the other's business if you're gay or not .
I'm sorry to say that , but its impossible to change . When i joined VT , I had the same problem , I couldn't accept myself as a gay . I've tried counseling to "change" , but that didn't really work . I kept limiting myself , trying to talk to girls , trying to watch straight porn , but non of them have really helped .
Wait until you get older , and try to move somewhere that people don't really care about who you really are . Try to be in an accepting society .
As you get older , you'll find out how selfish most of the people are and you'll learn that their judges don't worth caring at all .

[HunterDaniels]

You know that you're gay and that you can't change that.
As soon as you become confident in who you are, you'll find more people accepting it.
No everyone will always accept you but especially your parents will react based on how YOU react. If you say you're gay and then act depressed and they see you struggling. They will hate the idea of you being gay. Because they'll assume being gay is what makes you sad.
As soon as I decided to accept who and what I was and I didn't give a shit about other people and I showed family and friends that I was comfortable in my skin, it was better.
You have to accept it first before you can expect anyone else to.

[sabbi]

I realise your in a very difficult situation but as others have said you are going to have to face up to your sexuality and go with it. We on here obviously don't know the full situation with regards how your family or friends how they would accept you coming out. Sure ppl will talk behind your back just ignore it and get on with it. They will soon find someone else to talk about. I consider myself bisexual and I know that in the future I may decide to go one way or another, fortunately that doesn't bother me knowing that I have the support of family and my real friends. Remember that if you have a relationship with a girl you are just fooling yourself and your partner which would be a recipe for disaster. Good luck

[thatonekidjacob]

When I hit puberty (age 12) I realized I was different, I had zero attraction for girls. For over 4 years I tried to tell myself that I'm not gay, I tried to tell myself that it's a phase. I'm now 17 and I know i'm gay and i hate it. I want to be normal, to fit in with the rest of the people, to not disappoint my parents. I hide my feelings from everyone I have ever met, I've seen some of the my friends come out, I've seen the way people talk behind their backs or call them a fag in the hallway, I've seen their families disown them. I just want to be normal. I want a girlfriend, I want kids. I feel so alone in myself, I have friends who don't even know the real me. I've pretended to love girls, had sex and dated people I did not even like to attempt to fit in. I'm slowing dying inside as people are beginning to realize that I'm different. People are starting to ask if I'm gay and I deny it everytime, but I know that they know there's something up. I live in a traditional family, I've heard of how my family and school mates talk about gays, "disgusting faggots" "fucking pussies". I can't take it anymore, i've cried myself to sleep more times then i can count.

You are normal. The problem is our society isn't normal. People were taught to be close minded and bigoted. You're normal!

[Sasha M]

I would rather be born a girl, but here I am. I'm happy though. :)

[Vanilla Cupcake]

I'm sorry your so sad. I haven't read much about gender and being gay or lesbian.
I'd love to know more about it though because it's interesting to say the least.
I wonder why so many more people are gay now then say 30 years ago?
Is it something in the food? seriously I mean it has to be something!

Do all gay people know at a young age that they are gay or some not realize it till later in life?

Is it hormone related? Can someone think they are gay but realize later they aren't?

It will all be ok, once everyone knows and it's been a few years, I'm assuming things will be better.
You can still have kids, why not adopt?

Hugs!

[Gayjack20]

Be proud 4 who u r dont let the haters bring u down

[Hero.of.Hyrule]

I'm going through the SAME EXACT thing. I don't really hate being this way but everything else you said applies to me too. I honestly don't know what to do either. Are you sure you're not attracted to girls? Are you sure youre attracted to guys? I'm here to help you if you need it because i'm going through a very similiar thing.

[SpencerTheName]

Exactly what other people think. Be yourself, you can't change who you are. Be glad it's not the 60's or something where gay people were really outcasts. It's still somewhat taboo but mostly socially accepted.

[paul955]

Oh yeah, I was here a while ago. I took a step in the middle, in between denying it for my whole life and coming out right away in high school. I waited till i graduated high school before i told anyone, and now I'm in college and i'm open about it. So happy that I waited, cause most of the people in HS you're never going to see again. Maybe wait on it.

[Jamesclarke]

Hey you are in a crappy situation but then again life is full of them. I didn't want to be gay and I can't imagine many people do when they first find out. The idea can be scary but really it can't be changed and it's what you are and how you have to live. You can choose to hide it and be miserable or you can accept it and make a life for yourself. You don't have to come out yet and you can wait till your older and supporting yourself properly if that will be easier.

[nwtnguy]

Being gay is YOUR normal. Don't be miserable trying to be someone you are not

[DoodleSnap]

You can't change who you are. I know it seems tough, when everyone seems to be against who you are, but it won't always be this way. Once upon a time, black people thought that they would never be able to interact with other races, but now they have the same legal freedoms that others do. Gay people thought that they'd never be able to marry, but now they can, in any good country. Racism and homophobia are still very present, and we have a long way to go before these groups have the same social position as everyone else, but things are changing and moving.

Hey, in the UK, half of all 18-24 year olds said that they "Weren't 100% heterosexual" (Source) (https://yougov.co.uk/news/2015/08/16/half-young-not-heterosexual/).
I know that it seems really tough now, but one day, you will live without hatred, and people will realise that alternate sexualities to straight are in fact "normal". So just keep on in there, keep battling, because you're strong enough to do it. Feel safe in the knowledge that you can properly come to terms with your sexuality, and that you accept it because it's scientifically accepted, not because of close-minded bigotry.

Good luck.