Im not really sure how to feel

[defqonner]

So my girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. She's religious Catholic and I'm an atheist. We don't have sex and I rarely get to eat her out (only lately have I been allowed to) she loves me very much and would marry me if I were Catholic. She isn't someone I would want to marry and have been thinking of breaking up with her due to other reasons. We are going overseas Over New year's and that is the reason I haven't done it yet as I want to go Over seas as a couple. She doesn't know I feel like this. Over the last few months she's been distant and it has been annoying me. I brought it up and we had a really serious convo about our future. She has been distant because she doesn't know if I want to be there in the future, in terms of marriage. She is trying to cut back a bit because she doesn't want to get to attached just in case we break up because I don't actually want to attend to all her religious wants. She's just finished college now and has A job starting in Feb, I'm still at college for another 2 years. I don't tell her I want to be with her in the future like marriage but I don't tell her I don't want to be. She just went on a little holiday and has come back and has told me she doenst want to do anything sexually anymore. As God has been so good to her and she wants to give back. I am not sure how to even interpret that.
Before her going on this little get away we did a nice amount of sexual things and now it seems she isn't horny. I originally had this wanting to break up with her but now that she's back and she told me about her lack of sexual needs and also due to our big discussion I feel awful and I don't know why. Like we have broken up but haven't.
I have no one to talk to about this.
I don't know if I feel like shit because there is no sexual chemistry anymore and that was basically the only thing keeping us from being partners rather than friends or if what it is.

[Babs]

Well, whether it's sexual chemistry or some other reason, clearly you don't want to be with her anymore. Why put off breaking up with her just because you'd rather go overseas as a couple? If you truly don't want to be with her, why prolong the inevitable?

[defqonner]

We booked it before hand

[Melodic]

It's a common thing in a majority of relationships. You both are getting tired of your differences. You have different ideas of the future, religion, and sexually which are typically supporting factors of any relationship. It's hard because all 3 of those things are something you can't compromise unless you drastically change your opinion to make the other person happy. You can really only accept the differences or not accept them. If you feel like you can't accept the relationship the way it is, you shouldn't be in it.

[Uniquemind]

We booked it before hand

Your conflict originates between issues of the soul-heart-mind, and the issues of worldliness (money, booking that trip, etc.)

The sex thing is a venn diagram issue that affects both the soul-heart-mind, and worldliness issues (health physical body, money, emotions).


You are spot-on when you said it's "like you've broken up but you haven't".


For me the line between "being a couple and being single" is a constant flux line, having to do with chemistry, emotional bonds, and intention to work it out.


If both parties are at a standstill impasse, where no negotiation can take place to reignite chemistry and communication, you might as well have acknowledged it with words and said "We need to break up, we're just imcompatible".


Forget about the money and the trip, this is a matter of the heart, and she has scaled back her sexual activities with you because her female intuition tells her what lies at the secret of your heart. She's also distant to she can endure any emotional-soul pain from a breakup she senses intuitively around the corner.

These are the precursor signs of an-about-to-end relationship and you need to read them correctly.

----

The other option is that you have another heart to heart talk, and explain that her faith's tenants or at least the way she interprets them, are causing sexual problems in your relationship, and that for you physical-sexual touch is what helps promote feelings of closeness and bonding; and that's scientifically true.


But if there are other reasons besides the lack of sex, by all means break up. There's more problems there than just lack of sex.


The only reason why you should stay in a relationship like this to make it work is if you still feel that longing desire to be close to them because that alone comforts you, because you feel at ease when you can communicate openly and freely with that person without fear of judgement. Love between partners imho should mirror or emulate unconditional love between parent-child, but only with the twist of a peer-to-peer equality tone, and with a equal-sexual hunger and satisfaction ratio expectation as well. (Parental relationships should not have the last two qualities)

[defqonner]

That was an incredible response. I am going to need to re read that and think of how to respond.
She's always known that we aren't compatible but she loved me to much to bring it up and just pushed it under the rug. Now that she is entering a new point in life she's really evaluating everything. One of those being this relationship. She's happy to continue dating me as long as I wanted to get married to her. If I am unsure about wanting to marry her she can't take any risks and get to attatched just in case in the long run I turn around and I say the religion is to hard for me. This is what I am gathering.
I am not sure if telling me that she wants to stop sexual activity to give back to God is an excuse. We did some sexual activity when we first made out and we've done stuff before hand and her life has been getting better and better. From my point of view if God was punishing her for doing sexual stuff he never would have given her a job a good degree and a loving boyfriend. Why stop now. I am an atheist and that is how I think though. I am hoping that the sexual acitiviry will start back up again as that I think is what I'm missing the most. I go to church with her I do everything she wants me to do and in return I ask for very little but I do expect some sexual activity. She tells me she does the sexual activity stuff with me because she loves me and always asks for God forgivness. I am giving my all for her and her religion and now I'm getting nothing in return except a very good friend. Thats why I'm upset.
I'm in a tough position.

[Uniquemind]

That was an incredible response. I am going to need to re read that and think of how to respond.
She's always known that we aren't compatible but she loved me to much to bring it up and just pushed it under the rug. Now that she is entering a new point in life she's really evaluating everything. One of those being this relationship. She's happy to continue dating me as long as I wanted to get married to her. If I am unsure about wanting to marry her she can't take any risks and get to attatched just in case in the long run I turn around and I say the religion is to hard for me. This is what I am gathering.
I am not sure if telling me that she wants to stop sexual activity to give back to God is an excuse. We did some sexual activity when we first made out and we've done stuff before hand and her life has been getting better and better. From my point of view if God was punishing her for doing sexual stuff he never would have given her a job a good degree and a loving boyfriend. Why stop now. I am an atheist and that is how I think though. I am hoping that the sexual acitiviry will start back up again as that I think is what I'm missing the most. I go to church with her I do everything she wants me to do and in return I ask for very little but I do expect some sexual activity. She tells me she does the sexual activity stuff with me because she loves me and always asks for God forgivness. I am giving my all for her and her religion and now I'm getting nothing in return except a very good friend. Thats why I'm upset.
I'm in a tough position.

To be frank no you aren't giving it you're all. You think you are because you're "going through the motions" of going to church, and stuff, but that doesn't mean you've actively tried to join the religion. You've tolerated it.

It is not the same, the latter carries the emotional tone, that you detest it, and by proxy, her as well because that aspect of her matters to her and defines her.


On a sidenote, I will question how and why she's even Catholic in the first place, as she still seems to believe God and how you behave in this life, is directly responsible for the Earthly (this life) rewards he grants you (riches and stuff), but that interpretation of the faith ignores the fact that there are scriptural versus, that specifically say EVIL PEOPLE CAN PROFIT ON EARTH.

It's not a linear game, and Catholicism does not teach this well to it's followers, your girlfriend is a prime example of that.

God grants, and takes away whatever the heck he wants from anybody he wants, he's God and he has his reasons and that's it.

Sorry I went off on a tangent, but it's true and it also explains you're girlfriend's method of thinking too.


That being said, I've known girls (older), who were super goody-girls, and then they snapped under pressure and went the complete opposite route, which implies they didn't understand the faith at all.


Melodic I support everything she said in her post verbatim.

[defqonner]

To be frank no you aren't giving it you're all. You think you are because you're "going through the motions" of going to church, and stuff, but that doesn't mean you've actively tried to join the religion. You've tolerated it.

Thats actually interesting.
It just baffled me that she always tells me she does sexual stuff with me because she loves me and even tho it's against her religion she asks God for forgiveness. Now, she still loves me and tells me and won't do anything because she wants to give back to God even tho she has asked for forgiveness and he's treated her well.
So...idk what to get out of that.
Just annoys, upsets, frustratez me. I don't know what to do.

[Uniquemind]

To be frank no you aren't giving it you're all. You think you are because you're "going through the motions" of going to church, and stuff, but that doesn't mean you've actively tried to join the religion. You've tolerated it.

Thats actually interesting.
It just baffled me that she always tells me she does sexual stuff with me because she loves me and even tho it's against her religion she asks God for forgiveness. Now, she still loves me and tells me and won't do anything because she wants to give back to God even tho she has asked for forgiveness and he's treated her well.
So...idk what to get out of that.
Just annoys, upsets, frustratez me. I don't know what to do.


Because when the variable of religion is in the equation, sometimes a person speaks between alternating 1st and 3rd persons.

It's an aspect of religion that affects how she sees the world, and therefore how you communicate.

That's why you don't get it, because you don't understand the psychological impact on a person's mind because you don't understand the religion.

I'm not saying she's without fault, I'm a strong believer that when you do something sexual, you have to be 100% into it, otherwise you aren't really consenting, and for us girls, that can ruin the potential for a GOOD sexual experience from the get go, especially if there's issues of guilt running in her mind during the sex act. It can be an orgasm inhibitor, and even the guilt that follows afterwords can ruin the change that she'll even remember it as a good thing.

Understand I'm not saying she's faultless, I think she's half-heartedly trying to make it work too since the beginning.

That's why I think you two are incompatible and it's better to part ways. Maybe stay friends if she allows for that after you breakup with her (it takes two for friendship as well), and if she says yes, then maybe if you're single, and she changes her mind about her ideals and values as you guys get older, maybe it'll work. But chances are you both will find someone else.

[defqonner]

I agree with everything you say, thank you ! Except for her half putting the effort in. Over the course of the year she put little by little less effort in. I couldn't tell if that was the honey moon period coming to an end or what. She still acted very loving towards me. Just wasn't as obsessed like the beginning.
She said she felt guilty after doing any sexual stuff. But she still have it her all and really got into it and enjoyed it. She has never given me head and won't. She doesn't really like it when I eat her out. I think it's to much for her religiously.

[Uniquemind]

I agree with everything you say, thank you ! Except for her half putting the effort in. Over the course of the year she put little by little less effort in. I couldn't tell if that was the honey moon period coming to an end or what. She still acted very loving towards me. Just wasn't as obsessed like the beginning.
She said she felt guilty after doing any sexual stuff. But she still have it her all and really got into it and enjoyed it. She has never given me head and won't. She doesn't really like it when I eat her out. I think it's to much for her religiously.

She gave a shot and didn't see you reciprocate equally for investing in a marriage monogamy, so she's pulling back.

That makes sense to me, doesn't it make sense to you?

Yes it is the honeymoon phase that allowed everything to start okay, but she did a error in brushing issues under the rug about misgivings she had going into the relationship.

You need to understand that the faith teaches one's relationship with God is a higher calling than the relationship to a fellow earthly being.

If you want this to work, you must follow the teachings of the faith.


I make a argument that your "vacation trip" is already money and time lost because the tension of this issue will ruin the enjoyment of the trip for both of you.


Also don't break up on foreign soil, for safety reasons if one of you runs away from the other in emotional turmoil due to a disagreement, then being separated in a foreign land is dangerous.

You become easy pickings for a criminal element.


I know one girl who had a fight with her boyfriend abroad, she ran off upset and drunk, and she woke up with a hazy memory of being kidnapped by a group of men and gangraped.

Apparently the men also used her cell to send video of the experience to the boyfriend who didn't know where the heck she was and they didn't know how to call authorities because they were on foreign soil.


Forget the trip, breakup now!

[defqonner]

Well, yes.
But she didn't say that. She said it was because God has given her so much and she wanted to give back. But weirdly when someone else says it is because I didn't reciprocate and is pulling back, that makes sense. She has been slowly decreasing sexually over the last 2 month, she never used to shave that much for me but the night before she went away and I was with her she shaved totally but still didn't let me give her oral sex. She wants to slow down. Maybe that was an excuse for giving less to the relationship as it may not lead to marriage. But why not just tell me? I'm starting to think that is what it may be. We were still fine sexually leading up to her going on this little trip.
She has come back and wanted to stop all together, or almost altogether.

[Uniquemind]

Well, yes.
But she didn't say that. She said it was because God has given her so much and she wanted to give back. But weirdly when someone else says it is because I didn't reciprocate and is pulling back, that makes sense. She has been slowly decreasing sexually over the last 2 month, she never used to shave that much for me but the night before she went away and I was with her she shaved totally but still didn't let me give her oral sex. She wants to slow down. Maybe that was an excuse for giving less to the relationship as it may not lead to marriage. But why not just tell me? I'm starting to think that is what it may be. We were still fine sexually leading up to her going on this little trip.
She has come back and wanted to stop all together, or almost altogether.

Re-read my above post as I've edited and added to it.


Boy, you've got lots to learn when it comes to reading us women.

We don't verbally state these things because we think it's obvious what the problem is.

You've got to read context and take into the trajectory of a relationship of where it's been, where it's headed, and what you want out of it.

You are thinking in linear snapshots in time and trying to keep things static and unchanging. You cannot do that to us.



She says stopping sexual activity is giving back to God because you wanting to do so before marriage is directly against the faith.

Your wants from her are directly opposed to her expression of the faith. For her they're one-in-the-same issue.



Do you love her? Or are you just attracted to her?

[defqonner]

I'm a 20 year old male whose never really had a propper girlfriend before and hasn't been on any many dates.
Cut me some slack Hahahah!!

[Uniquemind]

I'm a 20 year old male whose never really had a propper girlfriend before and hasn't been on any many dates.
Cut me some slack Hahahah!!

Consider my posts a crash course.


You still not breaking up before the trip?

I have noticed your dodging some of my questions or points.

[defqonner]

We are still super good friends though and still like/love each other.
We agreed on going over there as a couple and having the talk when we come back.
She now lately brings up incompatibility , if we should continue dating , going away as friends .
Etc. But when you trust someone and they tell you something (wanting to be with God again) you believe them. But your right. She is holding back sexually to try and separate herself now. She always told me she would never break up with me. I was perfect for her. If I were Catholic we would get married tomorrow. Now I'm just really confused. In alot of ways.

I didn't spent 3000 and hard work to not go overseas with her as a couple. If this is what she was going to do all along. Why did she agree to go overseas.

[defqonner]

Sorry I don't mean to dodge !!! You write quite sophisticated and there is a lot to read. I may miss some stuff !!

[defqonner]

I love her as a person. I am not in love with her nor do I want her as a wife.
You will hate on me for being hypocritical and being a typical male wanting sex etc. Which is true. It just annoys me that this all so sudden. Even tho its been slowly dying. Now it's just over like that. No more. Nothing. Makes me feel why am I bothering now and why did I ever spend all this money to go overseas with my girlfriend when I could have spent it else where.

[Uniquemind]

I love her as a person. I am not in love with her nor do I want her as a wife.
You will hate on me for being hypocritical and being a typical male wanting sex etc. Which is true. It just annoys me that this all so sudden. Even tho its been slowly dying. Now it's just over like that. No more. Nothing. Makes me feel why am I bothering now and why did I ever spend all this money to go overseas with my girlfriend when I could have spent it else where.

Ironically she's probably thinking the same thing only with time invested with you, that didn't pan out the result she wanted.

Both of you agreed because you were optimistic you could change the other's ideals. You stalemated instead which is more common an outcome.

I don't hate you for wanting sex, I dislike your behavior and slight deception you feel okay with doing to get a girl albeit naïveté deception since you're new to dating and relationships.

[defqonner]

Why bother engaging in sexual activity though if you will just stop all together. Saying its against her faith is redundant because its been going on for a while.

[defqonner]

I can be deceptive like that. But besides that. It doesn't answer the question as to why it's so bloody sudden.
That gets me.

[Uniquemind]

Why bother engaging in sexual activity though if you will just stop all together. Saying its against her faith is redundant because its been going on for a while.

She's human, she's torn between carnal urges, morals, her attraction to you at one point in time.

So she wavered, hence her guilt she needed forgiveness from God. She's emotional, and her trip away allowed her to get herself rooted, and double-down on her original goal now that the honeymoon phase ended.

This pattern happens a lot so expect to see this scenario again in your lifetime with other girls.

[defqonner]

Unless I'm over thinking things. She was always going to tell me that she wanted no more sexual activity after coming back from her little trip as she has spent time apart from me and it feels kinda refreshed. Shed able to just bring it up after not seeing each other instead of during our relationship randomly because it would cause arguments. Also the fact that we are still locked in going to Asia and she doesnt care if we go as friends or as partners.

[defqonner]

She's human, she's torn between carnal urges, morals, her attraction to you at one point in time.

So she wavered, hence her guilt she needed forgiveness from God. She's emotional, and her trip away allowed her to get herself rooted, and double-down on her original goal now that the honeymoon phase ended.

This pattern happens a lot so expect to see this scenario again in your lifetime with other girls.

Well Thats the other side of the coin. It is exactly that.or its a cover up for wanting to separate From me slowly to let herself go from attraction knowing we will split.

[Uniquemind]

Well Thats the other side of the coin. It is exactly that.or its a cover up for wanting to separate From me slowly to let herself go from attraction knowing we will split.

Exactly

[defqonner]

The thing is, why do I feel upset and my world is crashing down?
It feels much worse to be broken up, but still together because of a holiday than to break up all together.
I dont want to break up before going away, but I FEEL she just isn't in it anymore.
She still talks to me everyday and is happ to see me, but idk.

[Uniquemind]

The thing is, why do I feel upset and my world is crashing down?
It feels much worse to be broken up, but still together because of a holiday than to break up all together.
I dont want to break up before going away, but I FEEL she just isn't in it anymore.
She still talks to me everyday and is happ to see me, but idk.

Because your soul is living a lie. That's why it cries and feels bad, it wants conclusion to something it knows it bad for you, and it doesn't understand why you're dragging it out for a few $.

I told you it's going to ruin you're trip, you won't be able to enjoy it anyway, that's the same thing as not going on the trip.


All relationships when they end, make both individuals go through a mourning period, because you experience a little death (the death of possible futures) and to let go of those is hard.