Tough Times

[JLi99]

I had zero idea, where to put this, but I think it belongs here.

Today was the last straw. I can't take much more, and I just want to shout everything out.

On September, I started attending a new school. I was incredibly scared, because I was a 2nd former, and a class was gathered from last year, so I was the only new person. As I expected, my new classmates were not really accepting me, but I thought that it may possibly pass, and I was not one to spark up a conversation first. But one day, a guy from my class approached me, and we started talking. We were really similar, we had same interests, we were good or bad at the same things as each other. We even both recently came out to each other! However, there was one thing. He is always better than me. I'll admit, I was used to attention, because at my last school I was one of the cool kids because of my childhood friend. So being worse than him at absolutely everything everything. He's good looking, I'm not. He's athletic, I'm not. He gets very good grades, I get okay ones. He is friends with at least some people, while I only have him. And I feel that I'm starting to really not appreciate myself. I'm starting to hate myself. Now, that we both came out as gay to each other, we talk about guys. And then I found out, that he met a guy on Grindr, and he was one of the cool kids, and now, I feel left out. I am quite against alcohol due to bad past experiences, and am afraid, that to stay cool he'll start drinking as well. I feel that he's the only one who understands me, but still, it feels that our relationship is toxic.

Due to alcohol, I also fell out with the childhood friend I mentioned earlier. We were incredibly close. We told each other everything, I mean, she even told me when she lost her virginity. But now, she's at the cool kid's side, and we don't talk anymore at all.

Also, thanks to my classmate, I'm becoming a little bit more confident about my sexuality. And that scares me. I live in a homophobic country, and a catholic family. My parents are not against gay people, but sometimes throw remarks, so I get that they don't want that. I'm afraid, that it may end badly.

Now in the new school I'm not as active as I was, but I still know a few teachers, due to participating in contests alongside them. And now I have such an insane workload that I feel I'm on my mental limit. I can't say no, and wherever I'm asked to participate, I do that.

[Hudor]

I'm not sure what you need advice about or is it a rant?

[JLi99]

I guess both. I needed to get this out of my system. And advice on how to cop with would be appreciated.

[Hudor]

I'm having a major problem understanding the sequence of events but from what I gather, you're a bit jealous of the gay guy in your new school who also happens to be the only one you're friendly with. Secondly, you're kinda against drinkers and have fallen out with your childhood friend over it and fear the same might happen with this guy.
Let me know if I have missed something.

[JLi99]

You got everything right. And schoolwork, plus additional projects cause a lot of stress, and I can't say no to other people. Also, my parents would definitely against the idea of me being gay.

[Uniquemind]

Advice?

Change your perspective on life, and realize that it's not healthy to measure life as if it's some kind of contest.

Instead it's an experience that maybe lasts 100 years, with only 50-75 of those years with a fully functioning body before it begins to break down, depending on how you take care of yourself.

Look for inspiration in historical figures who lived well but were isolated. (Monks, Ghandi, Mandela) see if there's something you can improve yourself on in isolation, those people proved it was possible, and they also proved that being isolated doesn't doom you to being unknown and isolated forever.

Be humble, take what life gives you, appreciate you have food and shelter, and trudge onward.

[Hudor]

You got everything right. And schoolwork, plus additional projects cause a lot of stress, and I can't say no to other people. Also, my parents would definitely against the idea of me being gay.

Okay. Firstly, it would do you good to try not to be jealousy of your classmate. He happens to be the first person who warmed up to you in the new class and has been your friend since. Just maintain a good relationship with him and try not bring in personal competition and jealousy in this because it wouldn't be healthy and considering your situation it might leave you totally alone.

Secondly, i don't understand why you have a problem with people who drink but since you do i can't really help you with that except for asking you to try not to form prejudices in your mind and not break your friendships over such things.

Thirdly, well I'm sorry if it sounds rude but you got to deal with he work. You've got to grow your capacities always. At various points, you might feel extremely weighed down by the work and if you manage to handle it, your capacities grow and that's obviously beneficial for you ultimately. Also saying no is something i have a major issue with too. Advice didn't work much for me and i just learnt to say no by experiences.

Fourthly, if you're sure your parents are homophobic, try not to let them know about you being gay, at least until you're not 18.

[Second Chance]

It is always tough starting a new school especially when you were the king of the mountain at the old one and have to start totally from scratch at the new one.

I would say that it is not good to be jealous of your new friend but rather be happy for him when he does things positively. This maybe an experience to make you appreciate what is important and to keep your grounded/humble because the fact in life there are people who are worse than us and those who are better than us. If you get jealous of your friend for his attributes, then he really is not your friend because you are not accepting him for who he is. All because your friend is better than you in some ways does not mean you are worse especially if your friend is not putting you down.

As for your schoolwork, my guess is that because you are so down about being at a new school that you have lost interest in doing schoolwork and going to school. Instead, you should take a positive attitude about school and realize that assuming you are in junior high or high school that where you are is not permanent. If you have a positive attitude, then that will come through and people will see that. If you are always a Debbie Downer, then people will feel the negative karma and stay away from you. Just be yourself and be patient because it is going to take at least three to four months for you to find yourself at your new school.

As for your friend's sexuality, that is great that you found someone like you. With that being said, try not to just find friends limited to sexuality and be open to everyone regardless of who they are. Especially since this is a new friend just be careful about what you tell him about sexuality and that you do not give away the store. What I mean is that you are new to him, and do not give out too much information until you really get to know him.

If alcohol use is one of your red lines, then you need to stick to your belief system. Far be it for any of us to tell you what you believe is right or wrong, and if have had a bad experience with alcohol use, then you are well within your rights to stay away from people who use it. I know people who deliberately stay away from drinkers or smokers because at one time they used to do such things, and they know they will relapse if they get back into the same crowd. While drinking alcohol does not make someone bad, if being around people who drink does not jive with your viewpoints, then stick to your beliefs because that is who you are.

It does concern me that your friend is hooking up with people on Grindr because that App does not exactly have the best reputation. Especially if your friend does casual hookups with people including older people, then you really need to be careful. Make sure you are not doing anything sexual with the guy if he sleeps around because you have no clue what kinds of issues he might have. Also, make sure this guy is not grooming you for sex or something along those lines and that he is your friend and not someone who only wants you for your body.

As for your family's viewpoints on gays, the reality is that in your neck of the woods cultures over there are not exactly gay-friendly. At this stage your priority should be school and getting somewhere in life as opposed to getting laid. Just be yourself as opposed to a gay person living with your family. Chances are when you do well in school, do well in university or post high school, and get into a good career, then when you ultimately come out your family will probably be upset but will get over it especially if you are an otherwise good person. More than anything be a good family member and be an ordinary person because the overwhelming majority of gay people are average people.