How do you deal with a Narcissist?

[Riley2015]

How the hell can you? These people are toxic,poisonous, hateful. They see no wrong in their behaviour and when you challenge them they turn abusive. You have to walk on eggshells all the time with a Narcissist.

[Magenta]

First off, remember that there are people who act narcissistic and there are actually people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If we're talking about the latter, please keep in mind that these are people suffering from a severe mental illness. If someone is narcissistic to the point of being abusive to others, it might be worth speaking to someone else you trust about how to get them help. As someone diagnosed with a personality disorder, I'm not excusing their behaviour but unless they have been diagnosed with an illness, they may not even realize what they're doing because it's a part of them they see as normal. And when you confront them, they're likely to be resistant to the idea that they're doing anything wrong (and this is the case for a lot of mentally ill people, not just narcissistic ones) because they don't realize that there is anything wrong with what they're doing.

Have you considered that option? Maybe a third party should get involved to try to get this person help. Your thread is a little vague and broad so I can't tell you more than just a wild guess that this may be a person with a mental illness, not just some abusive asshole.

If it's bothering you, personally, too much then you should probably remove yourself from the situation and try to avoid them if you can.

[Riley2015]

They have NPD and i think they are aware of how nasty they are but don't care. This person doesn't see anything wrong in what they do and won't change. They treat those closest to them like dirt and expect them to bow to their every need and become extremely abusive if they don't. You can never win with a Narcissist, a true Narcissist.

[Judean Zealot]

I actually don't know. I've known someone like this, and though I usually pride myself on my social/communication skills, with this guy I was at a complete loss. He was like a brick wall.

I hope you the best of luck!

[Jinglebottom]

Whenever I meet someone like that, I become a bigger narcissist and see if I can manage to piss them off. When I've successfully enraged them, I return to my mildly bitchy state.

[Magenta]

They have NPD and i think they are aware of how nasty they are but don't care. This person doesn't see anything wrong in what they do and won't change. They treat those closest to them like dirt and expect them to bow to their every need and become extremely abusive if they don't. You can never win with a Narcissist, a true Narcissist.

In this case, I think you're being a little unfair. Are they seeking help? Because if they aren't, then no, they're not going to change. But acting like they're a lost cause is, well, from personal experience kind of degrading. I get that you're frustrated and don't want to deal with it and I understand but talking about them the way you are also doesn't help anyone. Is there a way you think you can help them or get help for them? Otherwise, what do you want to do because I understand that personality disorders are tough but I don't know what advice to give you when you honestly make it sound like they're just this pain in the ass.

(I'm sorry if I sound defensive but like I said, I have a personality disorder, I know what it's like and I may not know them personally but I can probably tell you that it's not as black and white as you think it is.)

[Riley2015]

In this case, I think you're being a little unfair. Are they seeking help? Because if they aren't, then no, they're not going to change. But acting like they're a lost cause is, well, from personal experience kind of degrading. I get that you're frustrated and don't want to deal with it and I understand but talking about them the way you are also doesn't help anyone. Is there a way you think you can help them or get help for them? Otherwise, what do you want to do because I understand that personality disorders are tough but I don't know what advice to give you when you honestly make it sound like they're just this pain in the ass.

(I'm sorry if I sound defensive but like I said, I have a personality disorder, I know what it's like and I may not know them personally but I can probably tell you that it's not as black and white as you think it is.)

You have clearly never had to deal with someone with NPD thats all i can say and i'd add be very thankful if your own disorder is ANYTHING but NPD, this is the most toxic disorder there is and they can NEVER change

I have my own disorder and i have friends in school that have disorders. We are self aware and you sound self aware of your disorder, the Narcissist is incapable of acknowledging their disorder, they have a grandiose view of themselves, how great and how special they are and how everyone else should adore them.

I've known and lived with mine for 13 years, and any attempts to tell them how awful their behaviour is results in a tirade of insults and abuse (known as Narcissistic rage)

They are always right and you are always wrong and they DEMAND you cater to their every needs. apologize for some perceived wrong or any tiny slight you may have made against them. You will often not really understand what you are apologizing for as they can't give you any logical explanations.

They don't care about your feelings or if you're hurt by their actions, they only care about if you hurt them in someway. They are convinced that you hurt them on purpose and they will always be looking for things to use against you later on and ways to punish you.

They get some kind of sadistic thrill out of being mean and cruel

They think nothing of having an affair for 16 years behind their wife and kids backs
They think they are the greatest person that ever walked the earth and everyone else is beneath them, not fit to lick their shoes.

The can't be helped because they don't accept help. They think they have done nothing wrong and everyone else is to blame. This differs from many other disorders where a person knows they need help with it and accept it. So even if they get therapy they can go for years and years and never change

With many disorders the sufferer still has a conscience, the Narcissist has no conscience. They don't care about how they treat others, most of the time they don't even see anything wrong

They are more than just a pain in the arse, they are manipulative, duplicitous, bullies and they drain the life and the energy out of those around them and leave them feeling scared and helpless

I don't think anything in life is black and white, but Narcissists are dangerous and won't ever change and i know that from 13 years of living with one

[Uniquemind]

You're talking about your dad aren't you? Also a parental figure; that's failing.

Hopefully your mom divorces him since you just mentioned an affair, if not as soon as he raises a hand to you, technically you have legal right to kill him if it can be justified as self-defense but that's a very tight legal technicality.

But since in past posts you've described physical and psychological actions he's taken against you, such an action might qualify. Regardless I'd start building a legal case first, and get him thrown in jail.

In this case, I think you're being a little unfair. Are they seeking help? Because if they aren't, then no, they're not going to change. But acting like they're a lost cause is, well, from personal experience kind of degrading. I get that you're frustrated and don't want to deal with it and I understand but talking about them the way you are also doesn't help anyone. Is there a way you think you can help them or get help for them? Otherwise, what do you want to do because I understand that personality disorders are tough but I don't know what advice to give you when you honestly make it sound like they're just this pain in the ass.

(I'm sorry if I sound defensive but like I said, I have a personality disorder, I know what it's like and I may not know them personally but I can probably tell you that it's not as black and white as you think it is.)

For people who don't seek help for themselves, I think it's good advice to tell others around them to give up on them. They're toxic people, but it's really hard to mourn for someone who won't help themselves.

[Magenta]

Well, then I don't know what advice you want us to give you. You ask how to deal with him but so far you're pretty dead set on believing it's impossible to do so and when I suggest anything else, you automatically shoot me down.

And actually, I know more than you think because all the things you just said are what people have said about me for the last 15 years. I mean if you want advice, by all means ask for it but you don't seem very open to anything other than us telling you to tell this man to screw off. Which, if you think that he's so toxic and dangerous, again by all means go ahead and do so. If you think you're better off without him then get rid of him. But it doesn't sound like you're in the position to. So maybe listening to other people who do have personality disorders and can give you some insight might actually help?

No one can tell you how to deal with him if you're not open to hearing suggestions and would rather just rant about how awful he is. Which is perfectly valid, VT is a place to vent too, but I assumed from the title of the thread that you actually wanted advice.

[Riley2015]

You're talking about your dad aren't you? Also a parental figure; that's failing.



Yes

Narcissistic parents only see their families as extensions of themselves. There to serve them and cater to their selfish, self-absorbed needs and their enormous ego. They are ENTITLED to it. They are so special and above reproach (in their own minds)

Well, then I don't know what advice you want us to give you. You ask how to deal with him but so far you're pretty dead set on believing it's impossible to do so and when I suggest anything else, you automatically shoot me down.

And actually, I know more than you think because all the things you just said are what people have said about me for the last 15 years. I mean if you want advice, by all means ask for it but you don't seem very open to anything other than us telling you to tell this man to screw off. Which, if you think that he's so toxic and dangerous, again by all means go ahead and do so. If you think you're better off without him then get rid of him. But it doesn't sound like you're in the position to. So maybe listening to other people who do have personality disorders and can give you some insight might actually help?

No one can tell you how to deal with him if you're not open to hearing suggestions and would rather just rant about how awful he is. Which is perfectly valid, VT is a place to vent too, but I assumed from the title of the thread that you actually wanted advice.

I didn't shoot you down, more i tried to make you understand a bit better. Unless you live with a narcissist most people really don't get the things i'm saying now Like you they think i am being unfair, harsh etc

We all display the traits i listed, which you say people have told you you display too, from time to time. Thats not even having a disorder, thats just being human. Yes we can all be selfish, yes we can all find it hard to admit we were wrong sometimes, yes we can all manipulate sometimes, yes we can be arrogant sometimes, yes we can struggle with other peoples feelings sometimes. SOMETIMES

A Narcissist is like it all the time, they don't know how to be anything else.

They can try therapy. It's not unusual for them to come home from a sessions ranting and raving about how useless the therapist was, how they undermined them, made fun of them. It's not unusual to find that they stormed out of the session early and have decided to cancel the remaining sessions before completing

[Uniquemind]

Yes

Narcissistic parents only see their families as extensions of themselves. There to serve them and cater to their selfish, self-absorbed needs and their enormous ego. They are ENTITLED to it. They are so special and above reproach (in their own minds)

Just get your mom to divorce his sorry ass.


On a different but semi-related topic, does Donald Trump qualify as a narcissist? If so, it seems in certain context society really loves people with narcissistic personalites, I mean the guy is doing well on the USA political republican field.

[AutumnWinds]

They have NPD and i think they are aware of how nasty they are but don't care. This person doesn't see anything wrong in what they do and won't change. They treat those closest to them like dirt and expect them to bow to their every need and become extremely abusive if they don't. You can never win with a Narcissist, a true Narcissist.

keep in mind that two of the criteria for NPD is that they have an over inflated sense of their own importance, and a lack of empathy. i think those two qualities would make it almost impossible for them to realize "how nasty they are." i'm not saying that dealing with them would not be painful, mind you. i'm just saying that they're rather sympathetic as well, since they can't even understand why they keep pushing people away.

[Riley2015]

keep in mind that two of the criteria for NPD is that they have an over inflated sense of their own importance, and a lack of empathy. i think those two qualities would make it almost impossible for them to realize "how nasty they are." i'm not saying that dealing with them would not be painful, mind you. i'm just saying that they're rather sympathetic as well, since they can't even understand why they keep pushing people away.

I know, but as time goes on it wears you down, dealing with them is draining

They only view you as an object, an extension of themselves. You are their ''Narcissistic supply'' They have no real feelings of love or care for anyone.

Sympathy for them as well diminishes the longer you have to be around them. You end up just kind of hating them and believe me i am not someone who likes to hate anyone :(

But they are just totally ghastly to be around. Yes they are ill i know but this condition is absolutely impossible to cope with. You can't get through to them...ever

[AutumnWinds]

i'm not saying you don't have it bad, just that in this case both parties are hurting, and both deserve empathy. that's all.

I know, but as time goes on it wears you down, dealing with them is draining

They only view you as an object, an extension of themselves. You are their ''Narcissistic supply'' They have no real feelings of love or care for anyone.

Sympathy for them as well diminishes the longer you have to be around them. You end up just kind of hating them and believe me i am not someone who likes to hate anyone :(

But they are just totally ghastly to be around. Yes they are ill i know but this condition is absolutely impossible to cope with. You can't get through to them...ever

[Riley2015]

i'm not saying you don't have it bad, just that in this case both parties are hurting, and both deserve empathy. that's all.

Narcissists don't ''hurt'' They just have bouts of self pity and rage

[Sheilae]

Get OUT OF THEIR WAY. Pure poison. I know this from experience. If you let them stay in your life, you'll be putting yourself down.

[EmilySmith]

Very difficult! Narcissists are the worst people in the world! and I have a person like this in my group! It's impossible to make them understand something, but… Well in my situation, I simply told him/her that she/he is miserable and after that… he/she doesn't disturb me! So just tell them nasty things to make them understand, they aren't perfect :D and they are just miserable people!

[AutumnWinds]

Narcissists don't ''hurt'' They just have bouts of self pity and rage

i'm not sure i agree with that. i think self pity and rage are caused by feeling hurt most of the time.

[Riley2015]

i'm not sure i agree with that. i think self pity and rage are caused by feeling hurt most of the time.

They make it so difficult to get through to them or work out what they really think. It's impossible to know.

[AutumnWinds]

that's part of what is so sad to me. i'm not saying that it's easy to deal with them. on the contrary, i think your life must be very difficult because of it, but all this shit they do to you and everyone else pushing them away and "elevating" themselves above it all isolates the crap out of them, and that's sad to me. it's a situation where literally no one wins out.

[Uniquemind]

Just as a social experiment I guess you could theoretically try to counter narcissistic behavior with narcissistic behavior.

I get the 6th sense that you now have a lot of rage building in you, and it's important to let that vent out too, but it will cause the situation to get worse, but like I don't know sometimes that's cathartic.

Start commanding that you are entitled to certain things.

[lacey02]

I dont know much about them, but from what I am reading, there may be some mental illness involved? so I am kinda going to not judge and just try and learn more and be kind to them.

[Riley2015]

Just as a social experiment I guess you could theoretically try to counter narcissistic behavior with narcissistic behavior.

I get the 6th sense that you now have a lot of rage building in you, and it's important to let that vent out too, but it will cause the situation to get worse, but like I don't know sometimes that's cathartic.

Start commanding that you are entitled to certain things.

When you behave towards them in the way they behave towards you thats when they fly into a rage, and sometimes they can become violent at this point :(

Narcissists project onto others their own behaviour even at the best of times. So even if you are not behaving like a Narcissist they still view you as the Narcissist rather then themselves.