Do you think this is ok to do?

[Vanilla Cupcake]

I wasn't sure where to post this question.

Do you think it's ok to hang out with someone who is way older?
I have this friend, he is 35 I think, he sometimes gives me a ride home from school if he is in the area. He's a really nice person and we always laugh and have fun together. Sometimes we go to the store for treats or the park and just swing and talk.
I feel that maybe I shouldn't be hanging around him because he is older, but he's really nice and I really enjoy his company. He is kind of like a dad to me.
I don't feel uncomfortable or anything so do you think it's ok? Just friends?

[Elysium]

There is an adult in my life whom I consider a friend who is roughly a decade older than me. Coming from that perspective, I think it's okay, I just think you have to consider boundaries and above all, be careful. It's the adult's responsibility to know what's appropriate and what isn't, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be wary and protect yourself. Sometimes wonder what someone that much older than you and in such a different era in life sees in a young girl. It might not necessarily be bad (in my case, this woman sees herself in me and we have a lot in common), but it's definitely something to keep in mind for your own safety.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

There is an adult in my life whom I consider a friend who is roughly a decade older than me. Coming from that perspective, I think it's okay, I just think you have to consider boundaries and above all, be careful. It's the adult's responsibility to know what's appropriate and what isn't, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be wary and protect yourself. Sometimes wonder what someone that much older than you and in such a different era in life sees in a young girl. It might not necessarily be bad (in my case, this woman sees herself in me and we have a lot in common), but it's definitely something to keep in mind for your own safety.

I don't know what he sees in me, he isn't married and has no kids, he just said that I'm a nice girl and he wants to be my friend and if I ever need anything I can go to him. He said he cares for my safety.

[SethfromMI]

just be careful. I am not saying he wants something sexual from you or anything like that, but just be careful. very careful. I am a little uneasy about it, but you know him better than I do

[Magenta]

I have a male friend who is a good 25 years older than me. We sometimes like to joke that he could be my dad.

Here's the one way to tell if they have good intentions: will they speak to your parents? Mine weren't overly thrilled I had such older friends at the time (I was about 13) but it was a writing group and I wanted to go out to events with the group, who were mostly adults. My parents weren't so comfortable with it at first so this guy offered to speak to them and introduce himself so they would know I was in good hands. My dad is a cop so you can see how that's usually a great indicator of whether or not someone has bad intentions. If they don't want to talk to a cop, there's a problem.

But just in general, if it were to come up that he didn't feel comfortable meeting your parents, that's not okay. But if he is, he has nothing to hide so there isn't an issue. That's usually the best test. Just keep your wits about you. Age gaps aren't inherently dangerous, there's just a lot young girls have to worry about unfortunately and a lot of it comes from older men.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

I have a male friend who is a good 25 years older than me. We sometimes like to joke that he could be my dad.

Here's the one way to tell if they have good intentions: will they speak to your parents? Mine weren't overly thrilled I had such older friends at the time (I was about 13) but it was a writing group and I wanted to go out to events with the group, who were mostly adults. My parents weren't so comfortable with it at first so this guy offered to speak to them and introduce himself so they would know I was in good hands. My dad is a cop so you can see how that's usually a great indicator of whether or not someone has bad intentions. If they don't want to talk to a cop, there's a problem.

But just in general, if it were to come up that he didn't feel comfortable meeting your parents, that's not okay. But if he is, he has nothing to hide so there isn't an issue. That's usually the best test. Just keep your wits about you. Age gaps aren't inherently dangerous, there's just a lot young girls have to worry about unfortunately and a lot of it comes from older men.

I suppose that would be a good idea, but I have grown to enjoy his company and I actually don't want to tell my mom because she will probably say to stop hanging out with him.

[Magenta]

I suppose that would be a good idea, but I have grown to enjoy his company and I actually don't want to tell my mom because she will probably say to stop hanging out with him.

And not without good reason, if everyone is honest with themselves here. Again, I don't think this is inherently bad but maybe bring it up casually like "if my parents wanted to meet you, would that be okay?" and if he says no or thinks it's not a good idea, then there's your cue to get out of there.

If he's okay with it then I think he's just being a nice guy. But, like I said, unfortunately it's risky.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

And not without good reason, if everyone is honest with themselves here. Again, I don't think this is inherently bad but maybe bring it up casually like "if my parents wanted to meet you, would that be okay?" and if he says no or thinks it's not a good idea, then there's your cue to get out of there.

If he's okay with it then I think he's just being a nice guy. But, like I said, unfortunately it's risky.

Ok I will do that, thank you for the advice.

[Magenta]

Ok I will do that, thank you for the advice.

Not a problem. That may be the simplest way to try to gauge his reaction without getting anyone else involved just yet. Keep it simple. Realistically, if your parents found out, they would likely want to meet him if they were open enough so it's not like it's some outrageous question. And if he's a genuinely okay guy, it won't bother him at all.

If you feel comfortable talking to him about the age gap and your hesitations, then go for it. It's up to you. Just remember to look out for your own safety if you ever get any bad feelings. Trust your gut.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

Not a problem. That may be the simplest way to try to gauge his reaction without getting anyone else involved just yet. Keep it simple. Realistically, if your parents found out, they would likely want to meet him if they were open enough so it's not like it's some outrageous question. And if he's a genuinely okay guy, it won't bother him at all.

If you feel comfortable talking to him about the age gap and your hesitations, then go for it. It's up to you. Just remember to look out for your own safety if you ever get any bad feelings. Trust your gut.

This might sound silly, but I just like all the attention he gives me and how much he cares about me and how nice he is and how he never gets mad at me.

[Magenta]

This might sound silly, but I just like all the attention he gives me and how much he cares about me and how nice he is and how he never gets mad at me.

It's not silly at all. You just have to make sure it's for the right reasons, not because he's pressuring you or might have plans to take it any further. That's the unfortunate reality of being a woman: that's always in the back of your mind, even if we wish it wasn't.

But I have plenty of older male friends who have never made a move on me and are just basically like older brothers or uncles who look out for me. It's just tricky when you're younger. If you're my age, people tend to let you make that judgement for yourself. If you're younger, there are a lot of snap judgements from others.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

It's not silly at all. You just have to make sure it's for the right reasons, not because he's pressuring you or might have plans to take it any further. That's the unfortunate reality of being a woman: that's always in the back of your mind, even if we wish it wasn't.

But I have plenty of older male friends who have never made a move on me and are just basically like older brothers or uncles who look out for me. It's just tricky when you're younger. If you're my age, people tend to let you make that judgement for yourself. If you're younger, there are a lot of snap judgements from others.

No he doesn't pressure me at all and actually I feel like I want to be around him more because he is so fun! I wonder if I'm pressuring him now?

[Uniquemind]

No he doesn't pressure me at all and actually I feel like I want to be around him more because he is so fun! I wonder if I'm pressuring him now?

You need to study and research the strategies child predators use to befriend their victims.

It's not like storybook villains, they are very deceptive, evil people are normal people with moral failings and you cannot tell the difference if you consider the difference between safe or dangerous people with behavior trait of being friendly or not.

That being said I HAD a much older neighborhood friend when I was little and sadly he passed away about 6-7 years ago. But he was honest and respected my personal space and he associated with my parents.

There was no mysteriousness about him.

Honesty is the best policy when finding real friends young or old.

---


In your case I seriously want you to be on the lookout for predatory behavior, keep constant watch over:

1. His physical interactions with you that involve touching you.

2. Where does he touch you?

3. Is he asking questions that result in you revealing your life at home or daily scheduling patterns of who comes and goes in the house at certain times of day?

4. How big is the age gap?

5. How many verbal compliments are given to you by them? Is that unrealistic, are they too nice?

6. How many times does he use guilt?

7. How many times does this person engage in storytelling which you cannot verify the truth of?

[Vanilla Cupcake]

You need to study and research the strategies child predators use to befriend their victims.

It's not like storybook villains, they are very deceptive, evil people are normal people with moral failings and you cannot tell the difference if you consider the difference between safe or dangerous people with behavior trait of being friendly or not.

That being said I HAD a much older neighborhood friend when I was little and sadly he passed away about 6-7 years ago. But he was honest and respected my personal space and he associated with my parents.

There was no mysteriousness about him.

Honesty is the best policy when finding real friends young or old.

---


In your case I seriously want you to be on the lookout for predatory behavior, keep constant watch over:

1. His physical interactions with you that involve touching you.

2. Where does he touch you?

3. Is he asking questions that result in you revealing your life at home or daily scheduling patterns of who comes and goes in the house at certain times of day?

4. How big is the age gap?

5. How many verbal compliments are given to you by them? Is that unrealistic, are they too nice?

6. How many times does he use guilt?

7. How many times does this person engage in storytelling which you cannot verify the truth of?

Thank you for all that info. I'm going to do what you listed here and ask myself these questions.
Some of the questions I know the answers too, others I'm not sure yet.

The age gap is about 20-25 years.
There's no guilting I don't think?
Compliments are regular I think?
Touching is basic, hugs. Except one time he kissed my knee because I fell.
The rest I need to think about.

[Uniquemind]

Thank you for all that info. I'm going to do what you listed here and ask myself these questions.
Some of the questions I know the answers too, others I'm not sure yet.

The age gap is about 20-25 years.
There's no guilting I don't think?
Compliments are regular I think?
Touching is basic, hugs. Except one time he kissed my knee because I fell.
The rest I need to think about.

Beware the story of little red riding hood.

It's origins exist actually to scare off little girls from losing their virginity. But the merits of the original dark story still hold up today.

Notice how the wolf kept buttering her up with compliments in the story. Same dynamic here potentially.


That being said little children are in danger of predators all the time regardless of being a boy or girl. I'm saying this to balance out the posts above that only emphasized danger towards girls.


Yeah a 20-25 year age gap is suspicious, also be on the lookout for possessiveness.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

Beware the story of little red riding hood.

It's origins exist actually to scare off little girls from losing their virginity. But the merits of the original dark story still hold up today.

Notice how the wolf kept buttering her up with compliments in the story. Same dynamic here potentially.


That being said little children are in danger of predators all the time regardless of being a boy or girl. I'm saying this to balance out the posts above that only emphasized danger towards girls.


Yeah a 20-25 year age gap is suspicious, also be on the lookout for possessiveness.

Yes I have that book in my closet, I like that story!
I wish I could pm privately, I want to talk to someone about this more in private.
:confused:

[ClaraWho]

I agree with a lot that has been posted here already. I have a 21 year old friend (female) who hung out with a family-friend who is much older (20 or so years). It was fine for a year until one day he asked to be her 'sugar daddy', and if he could buy her things. He brought clothes along for her to dress up for him in a park :/. When she refused and wanted nothing more to do with him, he started threatening to turn up at her house or to find her; 'I just want to talk, you can just be mine'. The police are now involved to stop his stalking, and she isn't underage!

You may like the attention, but for a guy with no wife or kids it sounds highly predatory. If you feel it is something you should be hiding from your parents, how can they be there if it goes wrong? As a rule of thumb, don't do anything you wouldn't be completely comfortable mentioning to your parents/those who love and care about you.

There are people your own age who would be just as good company.

Also, I'd be extremely suspicious of anyone who NEVER gets mad at you. People get mad when they care for your wellbeing, or feel you have wronged them. To suppress that seems creepy rather than desirable.

Hope this helps,

~ Clara

[Bluebyrd]

Having an older friend isn't bad, as long as that's all it is...

[Vanilla Cupcake]

I agree with a lot that has been posted here already. I have a 21 year old friend (female) who hung out with a family-friend who is much older (20 or so years). It was fine for a year until one day he asked to be her 'sugar daddy', and if he could buy her things. He brought clothes along for her to dress up for him in a park :/. When she refused and wanted nothing more to do with him, he started threatening to turn up at her house or to find her; 'I just want to talk, you can just be mine'. The police are now involved to stop his stalking, and she isn't underage!

You may like the attention, but for a guy with no wife or kids it sounds highly predatory. If you feel it is something you should be hiding from your parents, how can they be there if it goes wrong? As a rule of thumb, don't do anything you wouldn't be completely comfortable mentioning to your parents/those who love and care about you.

There are people your own age who would be just as good company.

Also, I'd be extremely suspicious of anyone who NEVER gets mad at you. People get mad when they care for your wellbeing, or feel you have wronged them. To suppress that seems creepy rather than desirable.

Hope this helps,

~ Clara

I understand what your saying, but if I tell my mom, then I know I won't be aloud to see him anymore and then I will end up doing it behind her back.
Maybe he hasn't gotten mad at me because I never do anything for him to get mad at me for?
I saw him today and he said maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore due to age difference and other stuff. I got really upset and started crying.
It's a long story, but in the end he said ok we can still be friends.
I think I'm really attached to him, I don't understand why, I just am.

[thekidd_dub]

I don't think that it is wrong I think that as long as you are not involved in any ways that would get either of you guys in trouble it's ok to have an older person to hang out with since you both feel comfortable with it

[Vanilla Cupcake]

I don't think that it is wrong I think that as long as you are not involved in any ways that would get either of you guys in trouble it's ok to have an older person to hang out with since you both feel comfortable with it

I know that sex is not allowed, but what other types of things are allowd?

[ClaraWho]

I understand what your saying, but if I tell my mom, then I know I won't be aloud to see him anymore and then I will end up doing it behind her back.
Maybe he hasn't gotten mad at me because I never do anything for him to get mad at me for?
I saw him today and he said maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore due to age difference and other stuff. I got really upset and started crying.
It's a long story, but in the end he said ok we can still be friends.
I think I'm really attached to him, I don't understand why, I just am.

Unhealthy attached, yes. I would sit down and seriously question yourself about your motivations and feelings towards him.

~ Clara

[thekidd_dub]

I know that sex is not allowed, but what other types of things are allowd?
hanging out is all fine the only things I would say you shouldn't do is basically anything you would do with a boyfriend where you close and intimate then you should be fine but I guess that AFTER YOU TURN 18 you can do whatever you want

[Vanilla Cupcake]

Unhealthy attached, yes. I would sit down and seriously question yourself about your motivations and feelings towards him.

~ Clara

I guess I just want him to be kind of like a dad, but because he isn't my daddy, it's possible that I might get different types of feelings towards him.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

hanging out is all fine the only things I would say you shouldn't do is basically anything you would do with a boyfriend where you close and intimate then you should be fine but I guess that AFTER YOU TURN 18 you can do whatever you want

Ok but hugs are ok right? What about things that you would do with your mom and dad. Like hugs and stuff?

[Uniquemind]

Ok but hugs are ok right? What about things that you would do with your mom and dad. Like hugs and stuff?

Nope. No hugs and stuff.

With my older neighbor friend, there were never any hugs.

Maybe a comforting wise discussion about philosophy and my feelings of the day and commentary about my grade school day joys and upsets, but no hugs.

Anything remotely close to hugging only came years later, usually with reason that he needed support to walk and needed someone to physically lean on to move.

---

Also touching creep is a thing.

First it's an innocent hug, until you feel that's normal and no longer have mental warning bells.

Then they touch your hand or hold it, then the elbow, forearm, thigh, then a grope on the crotch or chest, see how it SLOWLY escalates until it's too late?

I'll even play devils advocate here and say your older friend might actually genuinely like you, but is suppressing a deep lusty carnal desire you physically, but might be conflicted themselves between respecting you, and satisfying a sexual itch/hunger.

Perhaps he/she suggested you remain distant because of a mental conflict in their head between platonic love and respect and sexual carnal expression cravings.

[Zachary G]

IDK, it could be nothing but to me it sounds a lot like grooming behavior. Just be very careful, keep your eyes open, set some boundaries, and be very aware. I would also think, if you cant introduce him to your parents for a fear they might have issues with it, that would be for good reasoning. Sometimes our parents have better insight on some things that we dont because we tend to enter into situations with our eyes wide shut. Consider all of the advice you have gotten here on this forum and dont be afraid to ask questions of him should you ever have doubts.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

Nope. No hugs and stuff.

With my older neighbor friend, there were never any hugs.

Maybe a comforting wise discussion about philosophy and my feelings of the day and commentary about my grade school day joys and upsets, but no hugs.

Anything remotely close to hugging only came years later, usually with reason that he needed support to walk and needed someone to physically lean on to move.

---

Also touching creep is a thing.

First it's an innocent hug, until you feel that's normal and no longer have mental warning bells.

Then they touch your hand or hold it, then the elbow, forearm, thigh, then a grope on the crotch or chest, see how it SLOWLY escalates until it's too late?

I'll even play devils advocate here and say your older friend might actually genuinely like you, but is suppressing a deep lusty carnal desire you physically, but might be conflicted themselves between respecting you, and satisfying a sexual itch/hunger.

Perhaps he/she suggested you remain distant because of a mental conflict in their head between platonic love and respect and sexual carnal expression cravings.

Well first lemme just say that I'm pretty sure he has no lusty feelings toward me and here is why.
I just turned 14, I'm very underdeveloped physically and mentally for my age. I have no boobs, no hips, and I get teased at school because of it.
I don't look sexy, and I don't dress like the other girls, I don't like what they wear.
I still secretly play with dolls and suck my thumb at night and sometimes I wet the bed, so still wear pull ups.
So I'm pretty sure he doesn't see me with lust or any attraction physically.

I run into his arms when I see him out of excitement, how do ai tell him that I won't be hugging him anymore?

[Uniquemind]

Well first lemme just say that I'm pretty sure he has no lusty feelings toward me and here is why.
I just turned 14, I'm very underdeveloped physically and mentally for my age. I have no boobs, no hips, and I get teased at school because of it.
I don't look sexy, and I don't dress like the other girls, I don't like what they wear.
I still secretly play with dolls and suck my thumb at night and sometimes I wet the bed, so still wear pull ups.
So I'm pretty sure he doesn't see me with lust or any attraction physically.

I run into his arms when I see him out of excitement, how do ai tell him that I won't be hugging him anymore?


You just say it's inappropriate to be doing that so it respectfully has to stop.

When you're 18, do what you want, and if he's willing to wait then I guess that'll work. But I bet you'll change a lot mentally between now and 4-5 years from now.


If he's a pedophile, or even a hebephile, they are attracted to underdeveloped bodies.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

You just say it's inappropriate to be doing that so it respectfully has to stop.

When you're 18, do what you want, and if he's willing to wait then I guess that'll work. But I bet you'll change a lot mentally between now and 4-5 years from now.


If he's a pedophile, or even a hebephile, they are attracted to underdeveloped bodies.

So I told him that we shouldn't hug anymore and he said ok if that's what you want it's no problem. So he still seems genuine and he's very polite and doesn't do any inappropriate touching. It's all good! :)

[Uniquemind]

So I told him that we shouldn't hug anymore and he said ok if that's what you want it's no problem. So he still seems genuine and he's very polite and doesn't do any inappropriate touching. It's all good! :)

Okay then just proceed with caution.

[ClaraWho]

I agree with UniqueMind on this one.

In terms of wetting your bed, you are very old for that. Have you seen a doctor or therapist to look into that?

~ Clara

[Vanilla Cupcake]

I agree with UniqueMind on this one.

In terms of wetting your bed, you are very old for that. Have you seen a doctor or therapist to look into that?

~ Clara

I know Iam, my doctor doesn't know why, she said I will grow out of it.
My mom doesn't have money for a therapist. It doesn't happen every day, just a few times a week. I know a few other kids with the same problem. It makes it hard for sleepovers, so I tend to avoid them. :(

[Magenta]

Guys, now I think a lot of people are overreacting. She expressed her concerns to this guy and he even said maybe they shouldn't be friends. He's respecting her boundaries not to hug her anymore. That's pretty rare behaviour in an actual predator. So odds are, he's just a nice guy. Not every older man who takes interest in a younger girl is a predator.

Just be cautious, as I mentioned before, but I think a lot of people now are starting to look at this from a worst case scenario point of view.

[Uniquemind]

Guys, now I think a lot of people are overreacting. She expressed her concerns to this guy and he even said maybe they shouldn't be friends. He's respecting her boundaries not to hug her anymore. That's pretty rare behaviour in an actual predator. So odds are, he's just a nice guy. Not every older man who takes interest in a younger girl is a predator.

Just be cautious, as I mentioned before, but I think a lot of people now are starting to look at this from a worst case scenario point of view.


It doesn't hurt to expect the worst, and enjoy what never comes to fruition. If it never comes to pass, then enjoy the friendship obviously, I thought that went without needing a statement.

In regards to medical reasons for wetting the bed, I think we have to discuss that in VT General Hospital or Puberty 101 for Girls only.

[Vanilla Cupcake]

Thank you for all your support.

[lacey02]

I dont know if it is true or not, but my mom was told by some therapist that kids should only have friends within 2 years of their age and that anything more or less is risky. I think it is stupid to be honest but maybe that is what some parents hear so they become more controlling.

[ashdyn]

It really depends on how old you are...the older you are the less or an issue it tends to be. But in general, as long as it's platonic, it's fine. When I was in hs I hung out with a lot of older people like in their mid-late 20s usually because of mutual friends. I mean once you hit college no one really cares lol

[Vanilla Cupcake]

It really depends on how old you are...the older you are the less or an issue it tends to be. But in general, as long as it's platonic, it's fine. When I was in hs I hung out with a lot of older people like in their mid-late 20s usually because of mutual friends. I mean once you hit college no one really cares lol

Yes and I also find people older then me nicer and smarter and more interesting to talk to.
They also give good advice! :)

[redrider12]

I understand what your saying, but if I tell my mom, then I know I won't be aloud to see him anymore and then I will end up doing it behind her back.
Maybe he hasn't gotten mad at me because I never do anything for him to get mad at me for?
I saw him today and he said maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore due to age difference and other stuff. I got really upset and started crying.
It's a long story, but in the end he said ok we can still be friends.
I think I'm really attached to him, I don't understand why, I just am.

If your mom isn't okay with your seeing him, that should stand as reason enough, I'd think. Your mom is your first and best protector - generally if a mom has a premonition about something, it's likely true. Not to say my mom knows all of my friends, but she knows most of them.
I also think it's rather alarming that he never gets mad at you.. Even the happiest of married couples fight from time to time. There's no such thing as an absolutely perfect relationship.
I agree with most of the responses - it's not weird to have him as a friend, up until he goes beyond just a friend. It does seem like he's sugar-coating you, though, for some reason or another. If all he ever says to you is sugar plums and red roses, I'd be worried. Again, that's just not normal.