I lost her

[Tesserax]

I messed up big time. I don't know if this should go in R&D or not, but I feel terrible. I loved her, at least I believed I did, and I fucked it up so hard because I'm 17 and stupid as fuck. We were perfect, it's like we were meant for each other and it was an amazing connection we had. And then I had to go and fuck it all up.

I had a problem that I asked her about, I suspected that another girl had a crush on me and I asked her what's the best way to let her down, so she told me to go out with her for a couple of weeks and then tell her that it wouldn't work out. I rejected the idea at first, because I felt it would be like cheating on her, and I was right with that idea. Unfortunately for me, she kept trying to convince me, which I later found out was a test. Eventually I gave in and just said that I would do it, and I'd give it a shot. To cut a long story short, we talked about it and eventually she dropped the bomb: if you are willing to go out with another person just like that, then you don't really love me. I was awestruck, but I knew she was right. We had everything going for us and I had to fuck it up by giving into whatever foolish primal instinct that urged me on.

It hurt her so much, and I feel so bad. I realize that she is probably right. While I cared a lot for her, maybe I never actually loved her, and I only thought I did. We trusted each other, gave our hearts to each other, and despite everything I thought and believed about myself, I was the one to break that bond, to crush her hopes. I built it up so much, telling her how much I loved her, that I wanted it to last through our lives, and then I fucked it up so hard. I'm so distraught right now I can't think straight, so I'm sorry if I'm rambling a bit. There's no going back now, she has convinced herself that I never loved her at all, and I don't know if she's right or wrong anymore. But we both have to move on. We have to get over it. We decided it was best that we relinquish contact, because the faster we both forget, the better. I feel so guilty, that I broke her heart the way I did, and it hurts me just as bad.

My chest is a pit of hell right now, I feel so terrible for it, I don't know if I should be feeling this guilty, but I am heartbroken, and I broke my own heart ironically enough. It was my fault. I should not have given in like that, she is so much more worth it than anything else and I don't know why I did not just say fuck it to everything else and tell her that she's the only one.

If anybody is out there, I need a friend right now, I am just so lost. I'm so sorry Haru, I'm so sorry.

[Magenta]

Okay, first off, I'm sorry.

But second, holy hell was that manipulative of her. If you love someone, you trust them. And you don't test that trust the way she did to you. She kept pushing you so why wouldn't you have given in eventually if she makes it seem like that's her legit advice? It feels wrong but if your girlfriend keeps saying "do it" then that's kinda giving you the all clear. That said, I did raise an eyebrow when you said that her advice was to basically lead this girl on. That alone is kinda gross (of her, not you). But come on, dude, this is so not your fault.

"She kept trying to convince me."

How is that giving in to some primal urge? You were being pressured into doing something you knew wasn't right. For whatever reason you gave in that may have upset her, this is equally her fault. And honestly? I'd confront her about that. Did she really have so many doubts about your relationship in the first place that she felt the need to test you rather than talk to you? Or was she just being an unfair human being? I think she maybe was having doubts and needed a way to "confirm" those feelings, even if they weren't necessarily true and therefore just fabricated her own form of validation.

You did not break her heart, I'm sorry to say. She brought this upon herself. While yes, I can understand seeing your partner give in and say "sure, I'll go date someone else" might sting but again, she was pushing for that and she knew you wouldn't know it was a test. Who the hell thinks their partner is going to start giving them pop quizzes about their bond in a relationship? Answer: no one if you're in a healthy relationship.

I don't think she's worth as much as you think if she put you in that position but I can understand how it feels to love someone who... really isn't as great for you as you thought. If you feel comfortable talking to her, you should tell her that what she did was just as wrong. If not... then, yeah, I guess it's time to move on and accept that this is not entirely your fault. It's not like you didn't hesitate or something and just decided "sure, let's date this other girl, it'll be great!". No, you thought it would be like cheating. That's the sign of a pretty decent guy to me.

But yeah, I'm sorry and if you need someone to talk to, let me know. That's a shitty position to be in.

[Tesserax]

Okay, first off, I'm sorry.

But second, holy hell was that manipulative of her. If you love someone, you trust them. And you don't test that trust the way she did to you. She kept pushing you so why wouldn't you have given in eventually if she makes it seem like that's her legit advice? It feels wrong but if your girlfriend keeps saying "do it" then that's kinda giving you the all clear. That said, I did raise an eyebrow when you said that her advice was to basically lead this girl on. That alone is kinda gross (of her, not you). But come on, dude, this is so not your fault.

"She kept trying to convince me."

How is that giving in to some primal urge? You were being pressured into doing something you knew wasn't right. For whatever reason you gave in that may have upset her, this is equally her fault. And honestly? I'd confront her about that. Did she really have so many doubts about your relationship in the first place that she felt the need to test you rather than talk to you? Or was she just being an unfair human being? I think she maybe was having doubts and needed a way to "confirm" those feelings, even if they weren't necessarily true and therefore just fabricated her own form of validation.

You did not break her heart, I'm sorry to say. She brought this upon herself. While yes, I can understand seeing your partner give in and say "sure, I'll go date someone else" might sting but again, she was pushing for that and she knew you wouldn't know it was a test. Who the hell thinks their partner is going to start giving them pop quizzes about their bond in a relationship? Answer: no one if you're in a healthy relationship.

I don't think she's worth as much as you think if she put you in that position but I can understand how it feels to love someone who... really isn't as great for you as you thought. If you feel comfortable talking to her, you should tell her that what she did was just as wrong. If not... then, yeah, I guess it's time to move on and accept that this is not entirely your fault. It's not like you didn't hesitate or something and just decided "sure, let's date this other girl, it'll be great!". No, you thought it would be like cheating. That's the sign of a pretty decent guy to me.

But yeah, I'm sorry and if you need someone to talk to, let me know. That's a shitty position to be in.

Thank you, this honestly helps a lot. We talked it out after we calmed down, and we're sort of cool now. But the more I hear about it, the more I hear people asking me "why would she do that?". And I realize that you guys are right. If she was going to do something like that then that was on her. Also, we decided that we didn't really love each other, or at least I'm letting her believe that. She said she came to realize she probably never loved me because she's getting over it pretty well, she's still happy and stuff, and that's fine, but I don't think she realizes that I actually loved her. It hurts, but I'm going to be fine in the end, I have a lot of wonderful people to talk to which is great, so thank you