I just.. i don't know

[Princess Ariel]

I don't know how to feel about anything anymore. Relationships, school, being alive.

I'm on my colleges honour roll this year, with an average of 94%, but I'm still angry, still upset, over my marks. I have the highest percentage in that 6hr 8am class on Monday's with a prof that treats me like a sack of potatoes. You'd think I'd even get a congratulations from my mom, or a friend, but nope. All I got was a "why only a 94". Everything I do isn't good enough, literally everything.

My girlfriend doesn't know how bad I'm getting, and I was talking to her last night about how I can feel myself slipping into a depressive mania, and she just ignored it. I stayed out till 1am last night, playing bowling with her and her friends, as I nearly passed out from a headache. we didn't get back to res till 3am, and I had class at 11 today. I just feel like she doesn't notice me anymore -- it's almost been a year, it'll be a year on the 18th of December, you'd think she'd notice when something was different. Every single day I feel like she only wants to be with me because of my mom, and how I wouldn't be able to function and have a life without her. How I'd have to take care of my mom every second, and I just don't know.

My mom had colon cancer over the summer, and because of this she has an ostomy bag, and ever since then she's been acting strange.

I have like a month of piece, and then my mind slips back and reminds me of how useless and pathetic I am. I have zero motivation to do anything anymore, and I want to drink myself numb every chance I get.

I just don't know anymore. My friends are becoming more and more distant and I'm starting to feel like I have no one. I just want to cut and bleed out till I'm dead.

[Miserabilia]

That sucks about school.
Seomtimes people just have too much expectation to the point where all acomplish don't seem to mater. Maybe they just don't care?
If they don't care, I wouldn't bother trying anyway... how demotivational :/

I know how you feel... sometimes it feels like there's no hope, I just like to imagine that there's going to be a much better time in the future, even if you can't see it yet. That just means it will be all the more unexpected, like a pleasent surprise, wether it's a new friend or a positive turn of events...
It does happen.

Want to message? :(

[Sheilae]

Message me if you want to, okay. It will be alright eventually. Keep holding onto that ♡

[Bontigo Papi .]

Message me if you want to, okay. It will be alright eventually. Keep holding onto that ♡

You need 100 posts to PM?

Anyways, look, everything is gonna pan out alright. You're not alone , if you feel your parents, girlfriend, doesn't help you or anything, you still have friends who are proud of you. Even as I'm typing this, I'm proud of you for getting 94%. I can't even get 3/4 of that, and you should be happy and proud of yourself.

[Bebdina]

Bro,
94% is awesome man! Kudos to you, regardless of what people say or not say. At least you've gotta feel good about that. I can relate, I am the same. I had anxiety attacks over my finals and I am not really happy with all my results, and still have a 92% average. But hey, we did great. That is the bottom line.
Sorry about your mom, but hey, we all have something to struggle with. I hope she is doing alright. You hang in there bro, don't give up ever.

[Meruedu]

I'm not into college yet and I also can't talk about your relationship, but the expectations are definitely there for me as well.

I've never had my average lower than 10/10 and my parents expect that from me in the following years as well. Sometimes, when I got 9.5/10 on a test (that's also noted as a 10) they would still ask "What did you do wrong?! Why only this much?"

One thing that has worked for me is simply talking with them, telling them how difficult that test was, how much that teacher hates me, how a 9.5 from a teacher isn't equal to a 9.5 from a teacher that hates me. You could tell them how much extra work you've done to get that average, 'cause 94% is truly amazing for college!
Maybe start little by little, talking to the ones close to you, at first like an ordinary fact "That teacher is the strictest I've seen!". But you know them best, I'm not expecting it to actually work in every case.
They might think that 94% is a low grade because they've gotten used to it, or a (very) low possibility is that they're only telling you that's low and they're bragging to relatives and family friends.

There's only one thing that keeps me going with the prizes each year. I made myself realise that everything I'm studying is for myself, not for grades, not for my parents' expectations (I'm even talking about subjects that don't necessarily affect my future). My parents have thought that 10/10 doesn't mean anything, that the system's standards are too low.

I want to prove my parents that they're wrong and study as much as I can and then put all my efforts towards a succesful life. Don't you want to prove your parents wrong as well?

I sincerely hope that something from what I wrote here can help you, at least fell a bit more determined. Sorry if that didn't help you.

[Inkbill]

You have me... I know it's a bit of a late reply and i dont even know if you check this thread anymore but you have me. You will always have me. I'm serious. If you ever need me, please don't hesitate to get in contact with me. I promise you i dont want anything in return. I just want to help. I want to be back in your life. Just a constant supportive presence. I want to listen.. You are amazingly talanted, incredibly smart, strong and brave as hell. I am always amazed by your resilliancy. Message me. As a friends. Im always here.