every day...

[electric7rocker]

i constantly want to commit suicide but i cant tell my therapist because ive been lying to her for the past 3-4 months... i told her i stopped cutting (long before i actually did, its been 85 days) i told her i would never do drugs (even though ive popped and snorted vicodin and codeine, smoked pot, and tried multiple times to get a hold of ecstasy and cocaine) and she continues to tell me im not stupid enough to do drugs, and im smart enough to know not to cut. and every time she tells me that i feel stupid and ashamed. recently most of my friends decided i was annoying and they didnt want me around any more... but if i tell her that shes likely to pity me.. even a little bit. and that makes me feel weak and vulnerable. every day i get home from a school i hate and try not to kill myself, but i dont know what to do anymore.

[Atonement]

:hug: There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. That is what keeps me going. I mean, I want to do the exact same thing that you are describing, but I just have this stubborn mentality that there has to be some good through all this. :D

And yes, I realize this may sound hypocritical, but it just a suggestion.

[electric7rocker]

thanks.. but i rarely see any good in actually staying alive.

[The Batman]

Maybe you should tel your therapist everything even though you don't like to feel weak and vulnerable it might help you through all of this just have faith that she'll help you. If you just shut yourself down when you get near her then your not going for any real reason please just tell her.

[electric7rocker]

i cant.... when i even think about it it scares me. its not that i shut down around her.. i just tell her other stuff and try to avoid that.

[Atonement]

Don't avoid, just, if you can, stear the conversation in a way that she could ask you specifically about it, and say yes. it would be most likely a lot easier.

sorry if I am being hypocritical

[electric7rocker]

and i also want to tell her i think im clinically depressed... but i again hate that feeling of vulnerability and i dont want to reveal a lot.. which i know ill have to. i hate that.

[Zephyr]

Maybe you need a new therapist. If you've been going to her for as long as you have and you're still scared to tell her things, she probably just isn't your cup of tea. Personally, therapy never worked for me.

Is she just the type of therapist that sits there and you do all of the talking? Because if so, you may need somebody who has a different approach. Maybe you need a more hands on therapist, those were the kind that worked the best for me when I had therapy.

Just a suggestion.

[byee]

Well, therapy won't work if you're not totally honest.

Choosing not to share certain things because you're not ready is one thing (and very different from) lying. The former is based on vulnerability and it's unease (which can change with time), the latter, based on manipulation and a need to be seen a certain way. Teatment grinds to a complete halt when you're intentionally telling mistruths, even if you feel justified.

You have 2 choices here: Come clean, and tell her that it was not wanting to disappoint her that led you to lie. Be very specific about how guilt inducing and embarassing her admonishments that you're 'too smart', etc. were. She sounds like she was well intentioned, but rather naive, in using them, and she'd do well to hear the effect they had. What's happening is that she's unwittingly shutting you down, the type of relationship she's establishing is making it more difficult for you to express yourself and engage in the process.

Or, get yourself another therapist.

Cutting and drugs are too serious and too dangerous to NOT talk about in therapy, it's why you're there. Sometimes, therapists say things without recognizing the effect they might have on the process. If you like this particular therapist and she's helped you, you might choose to work this one out. If you cannot, if it's too embarassing or difficult, find another one. But, I'd strongly advise not continuing this way because there's too much at stake here.

[electric7rocker]

ive been thinking about cutting a lot lately.... i threw all my razors away except for one. my goal right now is 100 days.. but every second is a temptation and i dont know how long i can keep it up.

[Atonement]

Great step. I wish I had the will power to do that. personnally, I dont use razors though. But I just dont feel like I can throw away what I use.

[electric7rocker]

but i cant stop thinking about cutting. and its driving me crazy because i want it so much right now.

[electric7rocker]

i want to kill myself so bad right now

[Atonement]

I know the feeling, I know it well, but avoid it! do everything you can right now to not do it. I dont care what you do as lond as it is not death. I know you can get through this. As soon as you get through this you need to tell someone. Tell someone please. They can and will help you. Get help. We can only do so much. We all care for you just know that and everyone in your life cares for you and would be crushed to see you leave this world.

[electric7rocker]

except that no one cares for me.
they tell me daily.

[Atonement]

Maybe people in your life might not but I know some must. And I know we all care for you if that counts for anything. :)

[electric7rocker]

i dont know

[Zephyr]

Keep going, it takes a lot of will power but you can do it = )

Just take that razor outside, close your eyes and throw it as hard as you can in one direction.

[electric7rocker]

i cant throw it away.. its like.. i feel like its a trophy. even though it tempts me every second i cant throw it out.

[Atonement]

I know, I keep mine with me at all times... its messed up, I know just right now, THROW IT. that was great advice to just close your eyes and chuck it as far as you can. please do it now.

[electric7rocker]

im sorry. i cant. i just... i cant. im sorry...

[Zephyr]

I understand that it's hard, but once you get that razor away from your person and out of your life, you feel so much better, like you can accompolish anything = )

[Atonement]

:hud: My favorite phrase ever is, "Live to love and love to live." I came up with it thank you. But really, think about this.

[electric7rocker]

i didnt.. i fell asleep about a minute after i posted my last post. its weird... i only feel the need to cut at night. and ive asked other ppl and they usually only want to cut at night to....

[electric7rocker]

i pulled out my one remaining razor and just stared at it.... its sitting right next to me and i cant breathe.

[Atonement]

Please, do exactly what I did, chuck it out a window. I literally did it like an hour ago and I feel great about it. Just chuck it out, you dont need it. just get rid of it! PLEASE!

Also, just take in a breath, count to three, let it out, count to three. Inhale, exhale over and over, just take nice deep breaths and calm down. Ultimately get rid of that blade.

[electric7rocker]

i cant get rid of it. getting rid of the other ones was easier cuz they were rusty and i could use them.. but this ones not.. its.... almost beautiul. i just want to feel it.... so bad. i just want to bleed.


and i know that if i throw it out the window ill just go get it in the morning

[Atonement]

Dont do it. It is not beautiful, it is ugly. It is hidious and harmful. Beautiful items shouldn't injure you. That is why it is called self INJURY. Just throw it out the window. throw it away, just get rid of it! you dont need it. Trust me, I literally just did it and almost all my temptation is gone. Just make it go away.

[electric7rocker]

i. cant. this one used to be my dads... he didnt self harm, but it was one of his work razors... i found it right after he left.... i cant just throw it away.

i need to feel the pain. i need to bleed. i just... ugh

[Atonement]

Need. You don't need. Self harm is a please, and no one needs pleasure. It does matter who used to own it, you own it now, and you can throw it away. Just make it go away and then it will be easier to resist

[electric7rocker]

but i want it! i dont want to get rid of it.. i cant.

[Atonement]

The first step to stopping self harm is to know that you need to stop and you want to be better. Take that step and open your eyes that this is bad.

[electric7rocker]

i know its bad. but.. i dont get how something that bad can feel so good.
i know its cliche but it fits and its true

[Atonement]

I completely understand. If you dont feel you want to get rid of it, just put it away, far away from where you are and keep it there tonight. Leave it there and go distract yourself. Try to doodle or draw a lot. I found this very helpful in my times of need. Just give it a try and do anything to RESIST

[electric7rocker]

im not good at drawing and it only makes me angry... i know im not being very cooperative.... ughh i just want it so bad. im trying so hard to resist but i dont know how much longer i can hold out.

[Atonement]

What time is it where you are?

Resist. Just get it far away from you in your house

[electric7rocker]

11:05pm
im in california

[Atonement]

Might I simply suggest, taking that razor, and go as far away from your bed as possible, and put it in a hard to reach spot, and just go to sleep. Really, just try to ignore the urges, go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow refreshed and better. Just put that razor in a spot that you dont want to have to go all the way to to get the blade.

[electric7rocker]

but...

[Atonement]

no buts about it, just try it and whatever you do, do not get out of bed once that blade is put away

[electric7rocker]

x'( im so afraid

[Atonement]

Don't be, just be strong and keep that blade away, far away

[electric7rocker]

but i can imagine what it feels like. its giving me goosebumps. i want it so bad its making me shake. i just want to cut, and bleed, and die.

[Atonement]

Read my signature. "Love to live and live to love" come on, think about that. Love living because you get to be surrounded by the people that love you. and you should love life for that. its a whole circle. Hold on and dont let go to your life.

[electric7rocker]

i put the razor away.. im trying. "walls of dust" --
-- its obvious im sad
its obvious im hurt
your insults only beat me
down into the dirt

so in the dirt i lie here
absorbing all your hate
until im strong enough to conquer you
but until then i will wait

ill wait to hear you screaming
because youre losing life
i overpower everything
i do not need the knife

the knife will only stop me
from living how i want
i can be myself without the pain
i will not let it haunt

the ghosts are close behind me
licking at my feet
ill stomp them down and push them back
i will not see defeat

[Atonement]

Nice poem. And very great message behind it. But great step putting that razor away.

[Zephyr]

Tell you what hun, the next time you find a crack that goes underground or into water, just slip it through and walk on like nothing happened. Let the metallic beauty return to nature so that you can try to get on with your life = )

[electric7rocker]

since i stopped cutting... i havent really completely stopped self-harming. like ive bitten myself really hard to bruise, and even scar. ive scratched my skin with my nails (didnt bleed tho) and ive chewed the inside of my lip constantly. so then does not cutting not even mean anything? cuz im still self-harming?

[Atonement]

It means something because cutting can be a lot worse than the alternatives, but the alternatives are not good either.

[electric7rocker]

so then the whole almost 3 months was just a complete waste

[Atonement]

no, not cutting was progress. But technically by definition, you were still self harming. Just, relatively cutting is worse so I guess you did the best of two evils.

[electric7rocker]

:/ but its basically assuring me that im not actually going to succeed in not cutting. because the craving to self-harm will still be there.. and itll just get worse until i finally do cut....

[thesphinx]

What you're doing right now is tapering off hardly anyone can go cold turkey with something like this so you should try and make some sort of schedule where you slowly stop self harming all together you in the right direction and your doing the right thing hang in there :hug:

[electric7rocker]

but the only thing i want to do is cut. i dont want to eat i dont want to sleep i dont want to watch tv i just want to cut.

[thesphinx]

I understand that now what you need to do is find something to replace the void cutting will leave when you stop do you have any hobbies sports etc?

[electric7rocker]

not really... i play guitar/bass and write poetry but im not good at either

[Atonement]

who cares if you are good at it? if you enjoy it, keep with it. Most peoples hobbies help them calm down. If you feel urges and really tense and such, just write some poems or play your guitar.

[electric7rocker]

ive also been taking artistic photography... which has been helping a lot. gives me something to keep my mind off wanting to cut. but that only lasts so long considering most of my pictures have something to do with some kind of self harm

[electric7rocker]

i feel like my only options are cut or die

[Atonement]

you options are live or cut, you dying is not an option, you dont want to, really. And out of living or cutting, living is so much better

[electric7rocker]

my cravings are getting worse day by day. i bit myself hella hard today in math and i didnt even feel it

[Atonement]

Okay, really we can only do so much to help you. You really need to talk to your professional and be completely honest and open because this is escalating and you need to stop it soon. This can kill you. Talk to your professional because we aren't professionals and she can help you more than us.

[electric7rocker]

i want it to kill me

[Atonement]

No, death does horrible things. Everyone around you, your family, friends, VT, all will miss you, mourn, and grief your death. It is bad. Avoid it at all costs

[electric7rocker]

it cant be worse than this



i want pain more than anything

[electric7rocker]

i pulled the razor out again... i cant resist anymore.

[Axellance]

You need to tell your theripist about how yor felling and whay you have done because they will help you. If you already have one, why not try to get as much help as you can?

[electric7rocker]

i desperately want to cut right now. i want to bleed until i at least pass out.....

[theOperaGhost]

Please don't. talk to me or something, just don't cut yourself.

[Atonement]

Stay on Vt, stay as long as you can. Just distract yourself. We can distract you!

[electric7rocker]

i got a new shaving razor... its really sharp.... i just want to dig it in as deep as i can and just collapse and forget everything.

[Atonement]

I know where you are coming from. I literally did that last night. Woke up very disappointed too! But you cant do it, it isnt worth it!

[theOperaGhost]

Fight it as much as you can. Don't do it.

[electric7rocker]

what if i cant fight it anymore? i cut for a year almost every day and then i went cold turkey.... im going insane. im just craving pain and blood

[Atonement]

No, you can do it. You have done it before! If you can, go right now, and hang out with someone, wake someone up in your house if you need to!

[theOperaGhost]

I don't know what that's like but I'm sure it has to be hard to do. But hold back as long as you can. You can do it.

[electric7rocker]

my moms right here... were watching tv together.... but its not enough to distract me cuz its a rerun...... there isnt anyone else in the house and its too late to see friends.... *sigh* im sick of craving it. if i give in i wont crave it anymore.

[Atonement]

Just stay there, hang out with your mom. Do something.

[theOperaGhost]

If you give in it will just be harder to stop again.

[electric7rocker]

i dont care.. it will be easier to give in and deal with. ill be relaxed.... until forever

[theOperaGhost]

No you won't be relaxed.

[electric7rocker]

i will if i cut. ill feel so much better..... i always do...

[Atonement]

I know you do, but it is only temporary and is straight up BAD for you!

[electric7rocker]

i need it. you say i dont but i do. i can almost feel it...

[theOperaGhost]

That relaxed feeling won't last forever. It'll satisfy you for a while then you'll want to cut again.

[electric7rocker]

then ill cut again. and be relaxed again.


i know what itll get me into again. and i dont care. i want it so bad.

[theOperaGhost]

I know you don't want to do it. You keep talking to us. And cutting again is really bad for you.

[electric7rocker]

i know i do want to. i do but i dont. 100 days is my goal and im almost there. but after that i dont care what happens. i just have to make it 6 more days.

[theOperaGhost]

Set a new goal after that. Keep setting new goals when you achieve you old ones. Try to make it those 6 days.

[electric7rocker]

but i dont care after the 6 days. i tol my friend about it... and now she knows. so i cant give up earlier. ill just "stop keeping track" at 100....
ill end up giving in anyways... i might as well not drag out the torture....

[theOperaGhost]

You don't have to give in. After a little more time you won't want to cut anymore, it just takes time. If you cut now, you'll have to start over again at stopping.

[electric7rocker]

or i could just not stop....

[theOperaGhost]

Why would you want to do that. you obviously wanted to stop before.

[electric7rocker]

rawr.... i feel a little better now... i was talking to my friend on aim... i do want to stop.. just not all the time..... if that makes sense. i didnt cut tonight.. im not going to.... its so hard.

[theOperaGhost]

I'm glad you changed your mind.:)

[joeshmoe101]

Dude-
I know exactly what you are going through. Trust me, I know this is not easy, but I've got some advice for you.
You might feel ashamed to tell your therapist, but she is a professional who deals with this type of stuff all the time.
From experience I know that it's normal to feel weak and vulnerable, but you should do whatever it takes to stay alive. If you need someone to talk to, call 1-800-SUICIDE. You can AIM me if you want also.
Stay safe.

[electric7rocker]

i feel like i deserve even less than pain. that even tho pain and blood is what i want... i deserve less. i deserve nothing... just death. and nothingness.

[ariana]

rowan..... im sitting next to you. youre sexy feel better ;D