The Three Generations

[Melodic]

My Mom and Nana don't get along at all. Since I've gotten older, the last couple years have been one of them putting me in the middle of their arguments.

This will sum up the argument from tonight. My Nana pays my show choir payments. My mom asked to borrow the payment for our vacation a couple weeks ago. My Nana gave her the payment. My mom said she was going to pay back the payment. My Nana thought that she wouldn't. My mom's book paycheck goes to my Nana. My Nana took the paycheck hostage and told her that she wouldn't give it to her because that's what she owes her. So my mom messaged me, started blaming me for this and told me if I didn't force my nana to give her back the money she would message my director telling her I quit. Then when it started taking me long to convince her to give the payment back, my mom started messaging me saying "You have 3 minutes" "You have 2 minutes" Long story short, my mom got her paycheck

I've previously tried sitting them both down and talking to them about putting me in the middle of their arguments. Nothing. I tried telling both of them to stop talking about the other when they're not around. Nothing. It's gotten to the point they have started manipulating me and my emotions to get back at each other.

I know at the end of the day things will be alright which has helped me a bit. But I'm tired of being pulled in the stress and drama. Negativity tends to rub off on me and make me severely depressed. This has been going on at least once a week now and I'm getting tired of it.

Any ideas of how to cope? How to get myself out of the situation?

[Uniquemind]

My Mom and Nana don't get along at all. Since I've gotten older, the last couple years have been one of them putting me in the middle of their arguments.

This will sum up the argument from tonight. My Nana pays my show choir payments. My mom asked to borrow the payment for our vacation a couple weeks ago. My Nana gave her the payment. My mom said she was going to pay back the payment. My Nana thought that she wouldn't. My mom's book paycheck goes to my Nana. My Nana took the paycheck hostage and told her that she wouldn't give it to her because that's what she owes her. So my mom messaged me, started blaming me for this and told me if I didn't force my nana to give her back the money she would message my director telling her I quit. Then when it started taking me long to convince her to give the payment back, my mom started messaging me saying "You have 3 minutes" "You have 2 minutes" Long story short, my mom got her paycheck

I've previously tried sitting them both down and talking to them about putting me in the middle of their arguments. Nothing. I tried telling both of them to stop talking about the other when they're not around. Nothing. It's gotten to the point they have started manipulating me and my emotions to get back at each other.

I know at the end of the day things will be alright which has helped me a bit. But I'm tired of being pulled in the stress and drama. Negativity tends to rub off on me and make me severely depressed. This has been going on at least once a week now and I'm getting tired of it.

Any ideas of how to cope? How to get myself out of the situation?

I have your answer but you aren't going to like it. First I have some questions.

Do they do this leveraging with other aspects of you're life other than what you would consider "hobbies"?

Does this kind of manipulation occur regarding issues that involve no money?


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Solution: Let you're dance director know about the payment issues and see if she can offer some kind of assistance to smooth over financial difficulties. If she's a cash-monger (your director) it implies she probably doesn't care for you as a student or that she's cash strapped herself within that industry.

In which case, this means you have to quit the luxury of this hobby. Unfortunately you just can't afford it if money is this tight, and also talk to your Nana and tell her that you thank her for your love and support, but that the drama created around money issues regarding herself and your mom have made you take control and quit because it's not worth it for you and you can't take it anymore.

Tell your Nana that if she feels the need to express her love and affection for you (the grandchild) she can provide that money to you directly without having to involve your mom. If she wants too she can put that money away in a bank trust fund legally entitled to you upon her death.

Beware I foresee drama between you and your mom as well, given how she's manipulated and blamed you for situations which are not you're fault, but actually should be blamed on greedy people who control the money flow of the country. A lot of this situation is created on them, place blame accordingly.

[Melodic]

I have your answer but you aren't going to like it. First I have some questions.

Do they do this leveraging with other aspects of you're life other than what you would consider "hobbies"?

Does this kind of manipulation occur regarding issues that involve no money?


---

Solution: Let you're dance director know about the payment issues and see if she can offer some kind of assistance to smooth over financial difficulties. If she's a cash-monger (your director) it implies she probably doesn't care for you as a student or that she's cash strapped herself within that industry.

In which case, this means you have to quit the luxury of this hobby. Unfortunately you just can't afford it if money is this tight, and also talk to your Nana and tell her that you thank her for your love and support, but that the drama created around money issues regarding herself and your mom have made you take control and quit because it's not worth it for you and you can't take it anymore.

Tell your Nana that if she feels the need to express her love and affection for you (the grandchild) she can provide that money to you directly without having to involve your mom. If she wants too she can put that money away in a bank trust fund legally entitled to you upon her death.

Beware I foresee drama between you and your mom as well, given how she's manipulated and blamed you for situations which are not you're fault, but actually should be blamed on greedy people who control the money flow of the country. A lot of this situation is created on them, place blame accordingly.

1) Yes but except for this time, it's always my Nana. Example, me and my mom haven't gotten along much since her split from my dad in 2012. My nana is and still is mad at her for kicking her out shortly after. So my nana was someone I thought I could lean on. But she started using my emotions to either fight with my mom or trigger me enough to where I start to fight with her.

2. Given my answer to the last question, I guess that would be a yes. But like I said, usually never my mom.

Here's the funny part. My mom just moved in with roommates so her bills are lowered. My nana has even offered to take me out to lunch this week. They both can easily cover the payment. They both could split it if they had to. My director was even kind enough to give a different payment arrangement a few weeks ago for me to stay in there. They just both use anything to fight with each other.

Other than that, I do agree with everything else you've said. So thanks for the advice.

[Uniquemind]

No problem.


Yeah this is a tough situation because there is other psychological anger and resentment probably funneled and in a destructive loop between nana and your mom.

You're getting caught in the middle, and to survive you're probably going to have to learn how to psycho-analyze the situation and more importantly yourself, and stop thinking in terms of fair/unfair.

You've got to dissociate and remove your own anger and resentment from the situation, without having your own person/if entity's happiness or sadness tied to outcomes.

It's a very rare psychological skill, but to survive the home dynamics you're going to have to develop it.

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Edit: I would suggest having another family meeting either separate or together.

Where you remind them that you play the role of a "child" in this relationship.

That means your responsibilities are:

1. To survive

2. To get a good education

3. To be a moral responsible loving citizen/person to society and more importantly to both your nana and your mom.

Your role is being violated, by their attempts to argue with each other using you, and it is giving a warped example of what a loving relationship between mom and daughter looks like.

As a child the best way you can honor them is to be personally successful as an adult and the emotional turmoil in the house is impeding that, it's making it hard to focus in school and hobbies and if they have your best interests in mind they need to stop.

If they do the "how dare you line" let them monologue, but after a few seconds acknowledge what they've done right for you because they will most likely counter with examples of things they've done for you to help raise you this far and why you shouldn't back talk them, but the response should be "those are things you've done right, today we are discussing what we as a family have done wrong so we can improve this, I'm not being obstinate I'm being truthful in a tough love way. Fear the day I shut up and stay silent about this problem because that will be the day I've given up on this family".

"Another thing this cycle of manipulation ends once I become a mother one day".


They may get mad and threaten you, one person may take your side and then bicker with the third person in the room.

You started this meeting you also need to conclude it and walk away and do one of the roles a responsible child does.


Do this if you need to state verbally your frustration on the issue one LAST time.

Then follow through on any threats.