Sperm-donor kids are not all right

[Cadanance00]

I found out recently that my dad is not my biological father and it was quite a shock so I did some reading and came up with this. I was wondering why it bothered me to such and extent and now it makes some sense.
I found this in Slate.com:

Two-thirds of adult donor offspring agree with the statement "My sperm donor is half of who I am." Nearly half are disturbed that money was involved in their conception. More than half say that when they see someone who resembles them, they wonder if they are related. About two-thirds affirm the right of donor offspring to know the truth about their origins.

Regardless of socioeconomic status, donor offspring are twice as likely as those raised by biological parents to report problems with the law before age 25. They are more than twice as likely to report having struggled with substance abuse. And they are about 1.5 times as likely to report depression or other mental health problems.

As a group, the donor offspring in our study are suffering more than those who were adopted: hurting more, feeling more confused, and feeling more isolated from their families. (And our study found that the adoptees on average are struggling more than those raised by their biological parents.) The donor offspring are more likely than the adopted to have struggled with addiction and delinquency and, similar to the adopted, a significant number have confronted depression or other mental illness.

If you are a donor kid, a step child or an adopted child I would like to hear your comments.

[Jaffe]

Wow, awesome thread.
I am none of these three, as I am biological of both my parents.
But I would really like to understand this issue, so will be watching this thread. I hope there are lots of responses!

[Uniquemind]

It's an issue that needs to be raised politically I believe.


I am not any of these, but I have done a lot of reading on the subject, and I think it's important for any person to KNOW their genetic origins even for health reasons.


Ancestry is important, and in some cases it's necessary to know so you can test with partners for possible genetic diseases of any possible children one would have.

In the small scheme of things though a lot of these issues stem I think from psychological and philosophical concepts of what makes us valuable though, many of which either require therapy, or resilience of people to shrug off and live for the present.

[Cadanance00]

Thanks for the scholarly replies.

In my own case, I've come to terms with it much better than before. I feel both more distant and closer to my dad. I'm comforted by knowing that he chose to have me for his child. He, my mom and my bio father (whom I know slightly) all agreed on that after I was conceived. My dad said I'm a team effort so I'm special to him. That helps a lot.

[Legoboy]

I personally don't see how the quotes from this study proves that "sperm-donor kids are not all right".

I'm suspicious of things that make claims about family and upbringing because there is a lot of fake science out there created by religious groups to push their agenda (eg (http://www.zmescience.com/science/bad-science-michael-lacour-26052015/))

Comparing sperm donor kids to biologically raised kids doesn't say whether it is different from adopted kids. If it isn't different, then the "sperm donor" bit isn't the root issue its to do with being raised by both your biological parents. And there are many studies that suggest that is not a problem at all. (1 (http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/06/05/gay-couples-children-happier_n_3388498.html), 2 (http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/12/646))

I'd want to know if all the kids in the study know their status (adopted, biological or sperm donor)? Did they know early or late in life? In other words was the knowledge they weren't biological kids possibly cause the problems? Or is there really an issue where somehow adopted / sperm-donor kids don't succeed (contrary to the above links).

So from what you've posted I can't see that this study suggests that you could predict a kid who didn't know until adulthood that they were a sperm donor would have had more problems than a person who was adopted.

Personally I think you'll be fine if you have loving parents. I'm living with foster parents who I love and who love me WAY more than I had for the first 12 years of my life. And my life is getting better not worse.

[Cadanance00]

You make some very good points and your reply is well thought out.

What impressed me about the article was that people, me included, tend to think that donor-conceived kids may want to find their natural parents but are otherwise okay with it. Evidently not. Take a look at a website called Anonymous Us and read some of the posts there. Some of them are very angry about it.

[Legoboy]

You make some very good points and your reply is well thought out.

What impressed me about the article was that people, me included, tend to think that donor-conceived kids may want to find their natural parents but are otherwise okay with it. Evidently not. Take a look at a website called Anonymous Us and read some of the posts there. Some of them are very angry about it.

Thanks :) Yep I can believe that. There's got to be a big shock when you first find out I guess, kind of taking your solid foundation away from you. Are your parents supporting you ok through it? I'm wondering if you guys might want to think about family therapy just to clear the air and support each other?

[Cadanance00]

Both rents very supportive. I'm much more fortunate than most since I know my bio father. It was a real shock at first but now I'm much more comfortable with it.

Mom told him that I know now and he said he would call. They let me decide when to tell my younger sister so I did and she cried.

[Just JT]

I just breezed through this thread and find it pretty interesting. I didn't read all the articles Luke mentioned, but am familiar with the topic some what. I agree with Luke that you can't see based upon what you posted that your information is correct

How ever, I would compare your information, to some equatable statistics about how children of similar backgrounds faired against those families who had children. Now those would be some interesting facts.

Yiu see then you could understand more of the family dynamics and values associated with such a decision. Like in the case of adoption, what was the family background of the biological parents, education, abuse, drug problems, legal issues etc. To simply make the statement you are making, are almost....irresponsible, in associating a level of success when not considering the alternative for them

Take myself for example. I'm also in foster care, mothers in jail, dads an alcoholic dead guy. But if the events that led me to where I am, my parents living situation, what would my life be like now, as compared to what it is like now.

To be brutally honest, if living with my biological parents still today, I'd probably be dead myself. So we should probably comparing those two statistics, and applying them to my life now, and in the future.

Substance abuse, violence, truancy, stealing, fighting, running away, are all in my past as will other psychological conditions are and most likely be for the rest of my life. That I can not control. But I can have some level of control over my own outcome in life, and do the best I can

Does that mean I'm not alright? Probably, but I'm doing just fine....

Don't mean to rant on you here, please don't take it that way, it's not meant to be the way I probably sounded

But thanks for the really good post idea, I'll ve following it, you've peaked my interest

[AutumnWinds]

Personally I think you'll be fine if you have loving parents. I'm living with foster parents who I love and who love me WAY more than I had for the first 12 years of my life. And my life is getting better not worse.

VERY happy to hear this. :D:):D

[Legoboy]

Both rents very supportive. I'm much more fortunate than most since I know my bio father. It was a real shock at first but now I'm much more comfortable with it.

Mom told him that I know now and he said he would call. They let me decide when to tell my younger sister so I did and she cried.
Well hopefully she'll realise it doesn't change who you are and how close and important you guys are to each other.

VERY happy to hear this. :D:):D
Thanks so much :) Like TJreversed said, when foster kids get away from a crappy situation you kind of realise what would probably have happened if you hadn't escaped it.

[AutumnWinds]

Well hopefully she'll realise it doesn't change who you are and how close and important you guys are to each other.


Thanks so much :) Like TJreversed said, when foster kids get away from a crappy situation you kind of realise what would probably have happened if you hadn't escaped it.

it's just so great to see that you've found the family you deserve :D

[Just JT]

it's just so great to see that you've found the family you deserve :D

Think it's safe to say, cause me and Luke talk a lot outside the forum, that I think we're both very very lucky we found families that live us, and are talking really good care of us.
It really kinda restores faith in humanity ya no?

[Uniquemind]

You make some very good points and your reply is well thought out.

What impressed me about the article was that people, me included, tend to think that donor-conceived kids may want to find their natural parents but are otherwise okay with it. Evidently not. Take a look at a website called Anonymous Us and read some of the posts there. Some of them are very angry about it.

I took a glance, and I although I have no right to judge and this is probably easier said than done, every therapist is going to eventually tell those angry about this, that they have to identify where that anger is originating, and that they need to let their anger go in order to live a full and happy life.


From one human to another, I want to say that in your situation, I think you're handling it very well, and I think you are to be commended. You could have chosen to react a different way, and you didn't.

[Cadanance00]

I took a glance, and I although I have no right to judge and this is probably easier said than done, every therapist is going to eventually tell those angry about this, that they have to identify where that anger is originating, and that they need to let their anger go in order to live a full and happy life.


From one human to another, I want to say that in your situation, I think you're handling it very well, and I think you are to be commended. You could have chosen to react a different way, and you didn't.

Thanks for that :).
As more time goes by I'm better with it. Sometimes I feel like what my dad said, that I'm 'Uncle' Jim's gift to our family and our family was happy to get me. I wish sperm donor kids could get the same feeling.

[Just JT]

I agree. Anger, if not dealt with can easily turn to rage, which is an enabler that can facilitate the abuse to the next generation as well. It's a vital piece of recovery, and without coming to terms with it, amongst other things as well, can have a significant impact on your long term success and happiness

[Magenta]

I was a step-child to a step-mother who didn't want me. Did it suck? Yes. Do I think it has anything to do with my not being related to her? Probably. But she's also just a manipulative, abusive bitch in general so who is to say that everyone who has a non-biological parent is gonna turn out screwed up.

I now live with my biological mother and don't speak to my biological father. All families are different, regardless of genetics. Yes, I know who both of my parents are but hell, had my mother raised me with my father out of the picture, I would have been better off.

Biological parents don't necessarily mean better parents.

[Cadanance00]

I was a step-child to a step-mother who didn't want me. Did it suck? Yes. Do I think it has anything to do with my not being related to her? Probably. But she's also just a manipulative, abusive bitch in general so who is to say that everyone who has a non-biological parent is gonna turn out screwed up.

I now live with my biological mother and don't speak to my biological father. All families are different, regardless of genetics. Yes, I know who both of my parents are but hell, had my mother raised me with my father out of the picture, I would have been better off.

Biological parents don't necessarily mean better parents.

I'm sorry that happened to you.