How to become friends with a "closed off" person?

[thaissa]

This guy, let's call him Martin, came from a prestigious high school and he's popular in his social circle (in other words, the rich kids). He's not exactly open or friendly, though, and he's distant from people he doesn't know very well (case in point: our classmates). He has two close friends in class and doesn't talk much to anyone else. But he's not a robot - he actually likes to make immature jokes and he teases and laughs a lot when he's comfortable around certain people. He's awfully "uninvolved" from all school activities and he skips class (he's been making a habit of it lately, though). He's extremely unmotivated. He gives of this "closed off" aura and being an attractive rich kid doesn't help this image of detachment he projects.


When I started college this year he was one of my first friends. We started hanging out with two other classmates, but then a misunderstanding ensued among the three of them (my friend got mad at Martin because she couldn't take his endless childish teasing/joking so she stopped talking to him) while I was away for a week, so when I came back Martin wasn't speaking to us that much anymore. Why was he distancing himself from me when I wasn't even around when they had a fallout? I deduced that he was probably reluctant to continue the friendship considering that I'm really close with the friend whom he had a misunderstanding with, and I guess it was awkward for him to hang out with us now.


Flash forward to the present. We're all okay now but we're not really close with each other anymore. I want to be friends with him again because I don't think he has any "real" friends in college and I want him to at least be comfortable with our classmates through me considering that we're in the same course and we'll all be with each other for the next four years. I'm also concerned about his poor academic performance and his friends are encouraging this behavior. What to do? I can't be straightforward and ask him to hang out, that would be too weird because although we're cordial now, we're still a little awkward... I want to know how I can build up our friendship slowly. After all, we got along well before.

[Tarannosaurus]

Patience is the key word. You can gently encourage him to do better academically but being too upfront will likely scare him off.

[Carson99]

You might consider honesty...

Or am I just imagining that college guys are way more mature than my middle school classmates?

I can see his point, it could be really awkward if you are still buddies with your other classmates. He chooses not to mess with "ordinary" folks who don't understand or appreciate his humor. That's his choice. But he can't do that hit and miss. He can't allow himself to get in the middle of that situation.

I think your only chance is to clearly demonstrate that you are a step above (in his mind) the others who may still be your friends, but...

Not making value judgements here. I will accept the fact the this guy holds some attraction for you after all you have learned about him. I don't see any way to slowly slip back into his good graces little by little.

Give it a shot all at once, tell him, be different, make in impression on him. It may not work, but you will not ever look back and feel you didn't give it your best.