Backing Out of a Threesome?

[newyorker19]

Okay, so I have been dating my girlfriend for little over a year and we have been sexually active. We had the idea (for fun, not because our relationship is stale) of having a threesome with our male friend.

We introduced the idea to him and he was going along with the idea for the most part. The three of us had a long, informative conversation. Although we never said anything to our friend, but my girlfriend and I want to back out because we love each other too much and realized that our ideas with the situation don't align with our friend's.

My girlfriend and I were interested in a thing where it was just sexual, not emotional, and with someone that can be trusted, like our friend. Both of us got the impression that our friend is interested in something emotional, kind of like sharing my girlfriend. Because of our love and his interpretation of the situation, we are not interested anymore.

Our friend is somewhat fragile emotionally and we don't want to hurt his feelings. We're looking for some help on how to fix this. Ideas we've come up with:
-Wait to see if our friend backs out because he was still unsure
-Say that I'm not comfortable with the idea of having my girlfriend be with someone else sexually (somewhat of a lie)
-Try to deter our friend by being kind of awkward/no chemistry

We love this friend dearly and we regret doing this. We want nothing more than to leave this unscathed, friendships intact, and having our friend be flattered.

Any ideas are welcome and appreciated!

[the_dude69]

Have you heard anything you just wrote. You need to tell him to quit acting like a child. He shouldn't have anything to complain about. You and your business decided to pull off the deal. He didn't come to you asking for the threesome you asked him.

Threesome rock. I did it with 2 girl's

[CabbageMedul]

I would just approach him directly. Tell him straight up what the situation is. It may disappoint him, but in time he will understand. It's much better than avoiding him and what not.

I've been in situations like that plenty of times, and the straight-up method works the best in any case. Sure, it can cause a few cracks in a friendship or opinion on something/someone, but that will heal in time.

[nachorip]

Just try it out. Have some fun.

[AlexOnToast]

I think you may have posted this multiple times...

[laurakoller0815]

you all should talk about your expectations before you start anything you might regret and loosing a friend....

[Shoebox12]

-Wait to see if our friend backs out because he was still unsure
-Say that I'm not comfortable with the idea of having my girlfriend be with someone else sexually (somewhat of a lie)
-Try to deter our friend by being kind of awkward/no chemistry


Counterarguments:

- He's a guy. He's programmed to want sex. Hes not unsure and won't voluntarily back out.
- You invited him to have a threesome, if it was your idea then its obvious you have no problems with your girlfriend having someone else sexually.
- He's not going to give up the opportunity of a threesome because things got a bit awkward (unless you invite his mother too taking awkwardness to a whole new level)

Tell him that although he was close to sealing the deal one of the other applicants was better at interview and should the need for a foursome arise that he will be placed on a waiting list

[AlexOnToast]

^ essentially telling him that the reason he's not going to be involved because he's not good enough...
I would just explain the situation to him. You and your girlfriend have decided it's in the best interests of your relationship not to go ahead with it, and that you are sorry for letting him down and that it's not his fault in any way :)

[Shoebox12]

^ "essentially telling him that the reason he's not going to be involved because he's not good enough"

Are you suggesting that this is a lie? because the reason that he won't be involved actually is because he isn't good enough. He doesn't fit the OPs criteria or requirements.

"you are sorry for letting him down and that it's not his fault in any way"

and this is a lie. OP won't be sorry for letting him down OP will be releived. And it is the friend's fault in every way

[AlexOnToast]

^ "essentially telling him that the reason he's not going to be involved because he's not good enough"

Are you suggesting that this is a lie? because the reason that he won't be involved actually is because he isn't good enough. He doesn't fit the OPs criteria or requirements.

"you are sorry for letting him down and that it's not his fault in any way"

and this is a lie. OP won't be sorry for letting him down OP will be releived. And it is the friend's fault in every way

Read the original post.
"Our friend is somewhat fragile emotionally and we don't want to hurt his feelings"
Sometimes a little white lie can go a long way in sparing someones feelings. The OP was looking for a way to let his friend down gently, not make him feel like he's not good enough.

[Shoebox12]

Read the original post.
"Our friend is somewhat fragile emotionally and we don't want to hurt his feelings"
Sometimes a little white lie can go a long way in sparing someones feelings. The OP was looking for a way to let his friend down gently, not make him feel like he's not good enough.

If the OP was really worried about his friend's feelings he wouldn't back out.
Also he wouldn't post a very detail rich story on a public forum with a public profile on the off chance that the friend could use this forum too and be able to identify that it is indeed him they are talking about. Because then the white lie isn't really a good one

[AlexOnToast]

If the OP was really worried about his friend's feelings he wouldn't back out.
Also he wouldn't post a very detail rich story on a public forum with a public profile on the off chance that the friend could use this forum too and be able to identify that it is indeed him they are talking about. Because then the white lie isn't really a good one

Are you suggesting that he doesnt actually care about his friends feelings? If that was the case I highly doubt he would even have made this post lol.

[Shoebox12]

Are you suggesting that he doesnt actually care about his friends feelings? If that was the case I highly doubt he would even have made this post lol.

I'm suggesting that he cares about his and his girlfriend's feelings more. He is probably making this post hoping someone comes up with an easier answer than being honest. Which is a bad idea as lies tend to be found out and get you in more bother than being honest.

[AlexOnToast]

I'm suggesting that he cares about his and his girlfriend's feelings more. He is probably making this post hoping someone comes up with an easier answer than being honest. Which is a bad idea as lies tend to be found out and get you in more bother than being honest.

He also made it very clear that he didn't want to hurt his friends feelings. The answer you gave most likely would hurt the guys feelings. If he wanted to tell the guy the truth, then he probably wouldnt have needed to make this thread.

[Shoebox12]

He also made it very clear that he didn't want to hurt his friends feelings. The answer you gave most likely would hurt the guys feelings. If he wanted to tell the guy the truth, then he probably wouldnt have needed to make this thread.

Well of course he doesn't want to tell the guy the truth...could be doing without the inconvience of the crying and resentment.

So if he wasn't going to tell the truth then the only other option is to lie which he probably worked out on his own by a process of elimination.

Which gives me two theories for the post:
- He wanted to see if there was an option C and D which there was but ill not go into it
- OR he wanted reassurance that it is what everyone else would do making it socially acceptable (so he could believe he was doing the right thing)

When the right thing would be to be straight and tell him. He may understand and back off accepting the situation. He may understand and decide that he could have a wild night of sex and not become emotionally attached or he may not understand and take out a personal vendetta against the OP. (and if you look there is a 66% chance of the friend understanding)(33&% chance of having to watch your back for the rest of your life though)

Either way, by lying the OP is really making the decision for the friend.

[Fireangel]

In my opinion, bad idea, How old are you and your gf?