what is this

[thatgothgirluknow]

I think there's something wrong but I don't know what at random moments ill just find myself in fits of rage and despair being forced to remember painfull things one minute I'm fine and the next I'm reliving past abuse I tell myself not to be stupid that I won't cut today then I end up in another episode and needing the knife just to cut through. It this has been. Going on for more.then a year and its only getting worse its affecting. My daily life I've found myself running away people to avoid them seeing me brake.down I've had to make excuses for why I was crying the few times I was caught. Teachers. Ate started to worry about me affter I ran out of a school assembly crying I getting mad at everything. And everyone including myself and even get to the point of hating myself during these fits and often times find myself cursing under my breath and begging for it to stop I get so bad during. Them that I offten feel. Like I don't even know what I'm doing I burry my head in pillows to block out the flash backs but it doesn't work I try not to cut only to find I'm banging my fist trying to stop it I've banged my head into my news and have a hard time remembering what was going through my mind at the time what is this it can't be normal and I can't cope with it its getting worse the fits and brake downs are closer together. And I tell myself not to give in but when it happens I find every thing seems. Worthless. And the world seems to be coming to an end if u know what this is plz help me

[RavleIncarnate]

I know that mood swings and the like are an after-effect of the hormones raging through us, but I have never heard of such intense and powerful ones.

[thatgothgirluknow]

I know that mood swings and the like are an after-effect of the hormones raging through us, but I have never heard of such intense and powerful ones. it been happening since I was. 12 I'm now fourteen and have then everyday sometimes multiple times certain things will trigger it like if I hear about a freinds dad mistreating her or being cornered or ask about my family

[RavleIncarnate]

Wow, I started at twelve and I develop fast, a year later and I now have a snail-trail...but I don't know, maybe you should try to let off steam without a trigger? Cry into a pillow, then punch it, rinse and repeat, till you feel better. I used to be a violent guy, since I have a skilled tongue, swift mind, fiery and short temper, and I'm kinda strong and stuff. I did that, and yes, it is acceptable for guys to cry sometimes, cuz here people don't think so, and now I'm actually much more in control of myself.

[Katiya]

it been happening since I was. 12 I'm now fourteen and have then everyday sometimes multiple times certain things will trigger it like if I hear about a freinds dad mistreating her or being cornered or ask about my family

Flash backs are indicative of PTSD. You likely have it. I do and I experience much of the same things you do.
For me teachers actually began to bully me and would punish and publicly humiliate me for crying. I learnt right away to not cry and go into the bathroom and slice a big gash in my arm. School was a living hell and I wanted to die. It actually caused me more severe PTSD to be tret the way I was.

I get it. Its really tough. Can you find anyone you trust to help? Just to be a shoulder to cry on? That can really help. Just a person to hold you while you cry and not judge you for it later. I understand how impossible that is to find though. :/

Talking with a good therapist who specializes in PTSD or other traumas may help as well.

[Katiya]

You can always talk to me here. Send me a message. I'm not very timely at replys but if I turn on my notifications I get the message via email to my phone so I know to log in and reply :)
I'm willing to help as best I can!

[thatgothgirluknow]

Thanks