GoodEnough
February 18th, 2008, 01:37 PM
I'm 17, female and really debating whether I have depression or not and whether I should see someone about it.. I go through stages of hating myself completely but then stages where I just really don't care (about everything around me) and force myself to just 'live' for the sake of it.
I hate the way I look. I look at other people and wish I looked somewhat similar. I've mentioned the idea of a nosejob to my mom lately.. she seems a bit taken aback with the idea but said "well if you can raise the money go ahead". The thing is, I'm not sure whether she believes how much I want one... I turn 18 this September and intend to get one next Summer after I have finished college. I don't know what i'll do if she turns around and just says no. I don't even want to think about my dad's approval. Bare in mind this is the only thing I look forward to nowadays. It's what keeps me going.
My life
Well this is probably about the most I have opened up to anyone.. and it's some people I will never even meet heh. I don't really know what posting this will achieve, perhaps it will just help me come to terms with everything.
I was a normal child, a tomboy. I'd rather hang out with boys as opposed to the girls, they seemed to bore me a bit. My dad is an ICT manager so we have always had a fair number of computers in the house so naturally I would begin surfing the web in chatrooms, playing games etc. Since the age of around 10 i've always thought to be different to everyone i've ever met and I can't understand whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. I miss being in primary school, no one was so judgemental.
I've been shy and quiet for pratically most of my life - definitely a loner. I began to find it harder to talk to others when I first attended Highschool. I'm not sure why, I just can't regulate small talk without feeling uncomfortable. I always feel as though they're judging me behind their eyes, thinking "she is weird", "she is ugly". Even though I have been with the same people day-in-day-out at school for 5 years, I still often avoid their gaze when I talk to them, it's like I have an inability to feel confident around other people. I always feel like i'm being cold and distant when I talk to people. I hate the fact I come across as ignorant, it's like I have 'bad vibes'. I absolutely HATE situations where I see someone I know in a public place, just me on my own and them - I pretend that I don't see them because I just don't want to talk to them (not like they don't want to talk to me either heh), I can't even just give them a smile.
I have around 3 people I feel fairly comfortable with when talking to them, but it seems that the connection we have is beginning to fade because I am in different classes to them etc. One of my best friends left school last year, which was hard to overcome. Me, being the damn pessimist I am, thought he wouldn't want to see me anymore because he has new friends now... I haven't heard a word from him in over 6 months... :(
I've been on the net constantly since I was about 10 - it helps me get away from stuff in real life (poor self image, self confidence, social situations etc.). I'm part of a small internet community where there are pictures of me which are photoshopped slightly. It's a minor self esteem boost when people say i'm hot and stuff, but in the end I just feel shitty about it all. I did something else on the internet but I don't want to say it here, i'm that ashamed of it yes. It weighs on my back a lot (perhaps pm me if you really want to know).
Everything is the same, all the time. I wake up, go to school (reluctantly), have some dinner, have a shower for approximately 20 mins and stay on the pc until midnight. The sad thing is that when i'm on the pc I feel happiest. I wait for the holidays, when I can just sit around, sleep and do nothing. I don't like to be contacted by my friends during them, asking me to come out to nightclubs etc. I'm not that type of person. I always blow them off and this is the time where I'm most impulsive to cut myself (because I know I should go with them).
I don't even think about boys anymore. I've had one boyfriend in the past (when I was 14 or so). We were never intimate and I felt uneasy with him even though we had dated a few months.
I first started to cut a few months ago, just for attention I think. I don't even know myself really. I want people to notice me and realise that THIS is why I act so different and distant, that the real me isn't like this at all. Maybe they'll understand that way?
I was fine when I began writing this, now i'm in tears and feel shitty again. I hate everyone and everything about myself and although people may say 'Yeah I feel the same'. I really really doubt you do, and I hope you never do. I'm jealous of everyone. I want everything to be better again. :(
I hate the way I look. I look at other people and wish I looked somewhat similar. I've mentioned the idea of a nosejob to my mom lately.. she seems a bit taken aback with the idea but said "well if you can raise the money go ahead". The thing is, I'm not sure whether she believes how much I want one... I turn 18 this September and intend to get one next Summer after I have finished college. I don't know what i'll do if she turns around and just says no. I don't even want to think about my dad's approval. Bare in mind this is the only thing I look forward to nowadays. It's what keeps me going.
My life
Well this is probably about the most I have opened up to anyone.. and it's some people I will never even meet heh. I don't really know what posting this will achieve, perhaps it will just help me come to terms with everything.
I was a normal child, a tomboy. I'd rather hang out with boys as opposed to the girls, they seemed to bore me a bit. My dad is an ICT manager so we have always had a fair number of computers in the house so naturally I would begin surfing the web in chatrooms, playing games etc. Since the age of around 10 i've always thought to be different to everyone i've ever met and I can't understand whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. I miss being in primary school, no one was so judgemental.
I've been shy and quiet for pratically most of my life - definitely a loner. I began to find it harder to talk to others when I first attended Highschool. I'm not sure why, I just can't regulate small talk without feeling uncomfortable. I always feel as though they're judging me behind their eyes, thinking "she is weird", "she is ugly". Even though I have been with the same people day-in-day-out at school for 5 years, I still often avoid their gaze when I talk to them, it's like I have an inability to feel confident around other people. I always feel like i'm being cold and distant when I talk to people. I hate the fact I come across as ignorant, it's like I have 'bad vibes'. I absolutely HATE situations where I see someone I know in a public place, just me on my own and them - I pretend that I don't see them because I just don't want to talk to them (not like they don't want to talk to me either heh), I can't even just give them a smile.
I have around 3 people I feel fairly comfortable with when talking to them, but it seems that the connection we have is beginning to fade because I am in different classes to them etc. One of my best friends left school last year, which was hard to overcome. Me, being the damn pessimist I am, thought he wouldn't want to see me anymore because he has new friends now... I haven't heard a word from him in over 6 months... :(
I've been on the net constantly since I was about 10 - it helps me get away from stuff in real life (poor self image, self confidence, social situations etc.). I'm part of a small internet community where there are pictures of me which are photoshopped slightly. It's a minor self esteem boost when people say i'm hot and stuff, but in the end I just feel shitty about it all. I did something else on the internet but I don't want to say it here, i'm that ashamed of it yes. It weighs on my back a lot (perhaps pm me if you really want to know).
Everything is the same, all the time. I wake up, go to school (reluctantly), have some dinner, have a shower for approximately 20 mins and stay on the pc until midnight. The sad thing is that when i'm on the pc I feel happiest. I wait for the holidays, when I can just sit around, sleep and do nothing. I don't like to be contacted by my friends during them, asking me to come out to nightclubs etc. I'm not that type of person. I always blow them off and this is the time where I'm most impulsive to cut myself (because I know I should go with them).
I don't even think about boys anymore. I've had one boyfriend in the past (when I was 14 or so). We were never intimate and I felt uneasy with him even though we had dated a few months.
I first started to cut a few months ago, just for attention I think. I don't even know myself really. I want people to notice me and realise that THIS is why I act so different and distant, that the real me isn't like this at all. Maybe they'll understand that way?
I was fine when I began writing this, now i'm in tears and feel shitty again. I hate everyone and everything about myself and although people may say 'Yeah I feel the same'. I really really doubt you do, and I hope you never do. I'm jealous of everyone. I want everything to be better again. :(