Thirteen

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

A lot of you here know that my sister passed away a few years back. Well, today is her best friend's birthday, and to my complete and utter shock, she is turning 13. 13?!?! How can she be thirteen already? Every time I think of Allison's friends, they're 9 in my head, so how can any of them actually be turning into teenagers? Allison's birthday is two weeks from tomorrow, and she would have been 13 as well. Holy shit.

I am having such a hard time with this. Things like her birthday, the anniversary, Christmas, are always hard, but when I think of how stoked she would have been to be turning 13... it just hurts knowing she'll never get to see it. I don't know what I'll get her this year. We always bring some little trinket or another to put next to her stone; a small statue, a pretty candle, a balloon. Heh, one of her friends brought a Care Bear for her 10th birthday, and it was there for the longest time, through the rain, the wind, the sprinklers, the gardeners trimming the tree she's under. Somehow a stuffy seems inappropriate for her 13th though. I can't help but wonder what she'd be into now? I know she wouldn't have been as mature as other kids her age, but would she still be into Care Bears, and playing house? Or would she be reading those teeney-bopper magazines and getting into make-up? What kinds of things would she ask for? I know where she is now, she's not getting older, and maybe a gift for a 9 year-old would be best in that respect. I guess it's just hard, to really think about how much time has passed, how much has changed, and how she's the same forever. I just don't know what to do.

[The Batman]

I can't imagine how hard it is for you right now I know what its like losing a loved one but I can't imagine what I would be like if my sister died. You are very strong and a very good person to even be here right now helping others during this great time of grieving and I'm sure your sister is proud of you. I know this might be hard but why don't you try and get excited near her birthday every year just use it as a celebration as if she's still here with you right now. I don't know your sister but if I was in the same situation I would write her a note telling her exactly how I feel about her and how much she's been an inspiration to my life. You know that your not alone and besides your family you have us to talk to.

[Zephyr]

You are a strong person, stronger than I could ever be because I would be an utter mess for the rest of my life if the same thing happened to me, I wouldn't know what do do with myself if my sister died. You obviously have a very strong bond with her that trancends death, so of course, it is only natural to think of things like that. I think of things like that when I think of my friend Stephen that shot himself. I see him as smiling his way through life and being a friend to everybody like he always had been. It's depressing and a heartbreak to think about it, but take it as a chance to express yourself. Like Thomas said, write a letter and pour your heart out to your sister in that letter. She may not be here physically, but she will always be here with you in spirit and in your heart = )

[Serenity]

Jessi, I'd say I know what you're feeling, but I don't so that would just be insensitive. But I do know that I, along with everyone else on VT, am here for you. I know there isn't much I can do or say for you, and that nothing anyone says will ever take the pain away for you, but I do know that sometimes just knowing there are people who care and support you lightens the burden a bit- and there are plenty of such people here who want nothing more than for you to find the peace and happiness in life that you deserve. When someone's life is taken, especially at so young an age, people are often overwhelmed by the unfairness of it- not only to the one who died, but also to the ones who stay behind. But we can only hope that one day we can come to terms with this and other obstacles in life and find peace with ourselves and the world around us.

[/philosophical Valerie]

:hug: We all love you here and you know my PM box is always open! :daisy: Hang in there, girl.

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Thanks, guys. It's nice to feel supported. :) Thomas, I do have a journal specifically for writing letters to her, and sometimes that does help. I haven't written in it for a long time it seems though. Usually we write letters on the anniversary, and tie them to balloons (biodegradable of course) and then let them go. For her birthday we do ribbons, we have a little metal post stuck in the ground next to her with 9 purple ribbons on it, for the birthdays she had with us, and 3 (soon to be 4) yellow ribbons for her birthdays "up there". I haven't been out to the cemetery since November, it'll be nice to go back. I like it out there, her stone is in this little rose garden on top of the hill, it's peaceful.

Maybe I'll get her a card. Laminate it or something so it stays there longer than a few days. I think I'll do that.

[japanman]

i hope you make it thourgh this i dont know what its it like to lose a sister.
i lost my grandpa when i was 6 but it was not as bad as this.:(

[Sugaree]

I'm sorry to hear about your sister :hug: don't worry she's in a better place. My condolences (if it isn't too belated)

[japanman]

ya shes in a better place
man that post made me cry poor you

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Thanks guys. Yeah, I know she's better off where she is. If she had actually lived to reach 13, she would have been miserable, with her condition. She'd be about 11 mentally, and still the size of probably a 6 or 7 year-old, which would be tough going through junior high. She'd be starting to develop problems with walking, which would have just devastated her, she was so active. And due to all of that, she'd have to deal with losing some of her best friends because to them it'd be like hanging out with a little kid, not someone their own age. In reality, it's best that things ended when they did, when she still fit in well enough, and was still able to do the things she loved. And hey, where she is now she can do even more. She used to talk about how in Heaven, she'd be able to do gymnastics, and play soccer (due to only have one kidney, contact sports and any sports where she could easily get hit in the back were a very bad idea), and it was like she almost looked forward to it. She didn't want to die, but she knew it was going to happen early so she chose to look at the brighter side.

That's what I always remember about her the most, her attitude. Her school actually gives out an award each year to a graduating 5th grader who defies the odds, someone who comes from a bad background, or has a disability, but overcomes it and is just happy to be there. The Allison *my last name* Positive Attitude Award. They got a new playground the year after she passed, and they even dedicated it to her, there's a little plaque out there with her name on it, something like "Dedicated to Ally-Teeny, who always played her hardest" or something. She was always smiling, always saying hi to strangers, sitting next to the new kid, and helping her friends with their problems. She was just all-around the kindest kid I've ever known. She had a friend who's 50% deaf in both ears, she wears hearing aids, and she said Allison was the only one of her friends who realized that with her hearing aids in she could hear just fine and they didn't have to shout. Everyone else talks unnecessarily loud around her, she says.

So, I dunno, usually when I'm sad I think to myself, "What would Ally do?", and you know what, she'd smile and think about all the good things so that the bad things wouldn't get her down. I guess that's just what I've gotta do, right? Times like these, that can be a little hard though.

[Serenity]

That's right, hun :hug: I'm sure she'd be very proud of her big sister if she was here :)

[japanman]

that made me cry i can understand how it feels to look like your six or seven in junior high ( im 4 foot 9 inch and 13) but having all that other trouble its just so sad:( i feell so sorry for you :(

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Hah, you're still tall compared to her, For her to reach 4'9" would have been a miracle. She was 3 months shy of her 10th birthday and just barely 4 feet tall. She wore a size 4 or 5 clothes, she was tiny.

Don't feel sorry. I'm glad to have had her as a sister, even if her disabilities were hard to deal with at times. She taught me so many things about life, and about how to be a good person, and I'll never forget that. If she had been "normal", I wouldn't have learned those things, and life would be much different.

[japanman]

Hah, you're still tall compared to her, For her to reach 4'9" would have been a miracle. She was 3 months shy of her 10th birthday and just barely 4 feet tall. She wore a size 4 or 5 clothes, she was tiny.

Don't feel sorry. I'm glad to have had her as a sister, even if her disabilities were hard to deal with at times. She taught me so many things about life, and about how to be a good person, and I'll never forget that. If she had been "normal", I wouldn't have learned those things, and life would be much different.

it is amazing how people can have that affect on you and anybody else

[Gavin]

Hey Jessi

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister,i think i remember you saying something about this before,but remember she is always looking out for you up above,so you have her always watching out for you up above.

[thesphinx]

Sorry about your sister Jessi, she'll always be with you though.