sliidz
January 2nd, 2014, 04:10 AM
Before I begin, I am taking the time to write this, maybe publish it somehow, show my friends and family. I also want to mention that I started this on January, 2nd 2014 at 3:13 AM. Normally I would be sleeping or playing video games. But laying in bed for the past 5 or so hours. It got me thinking of what I have been doing. Lastly, if you check my recent posts. I haven't been active on this in I have no idea how long. So I think me coming back here, Means something, Anyways lets begin. (Virtual Teen)
While I was growing up, I never thought of myself being depressed, just normal someone who likes to work alone. Be alone, and work alone. I never once thought about it how it was strange that I didn't have confidence to stand up my family or friends to ask them simple questions. I was ALWAYS a follower. I tended to not want to trust people, which can be a good thing, but at the same time, people I didn't trust I didn't talk to. So I never really met anyone new. I always thought I had a clear path in life of what I wanted to do. I remember when I was just 2 years of age, I loved drawing, and I still do. I use to draw a lot at my grandmother's house and spend time with her neighbors and grew attached to one of them more than the rest. Unfortunately, my memory's of him are weak but, He was like a father to me. My father left me 3 months before I was born, and to this day I have never met him, I recently just turned 19 as well. Now there was another man in my life who would later become my step father and this plays a huge role of why I'm writing this, but I'll touch on that later. So the 2 figures that I had other than my mother and grandmother, were William S********** and Robert(Bobby) De*****. William later became my step father, and Bobby later passed away, Which I continued on, I was saddened but continued on.
Not much changed for years, other than My step father, mother, Younger sister, Younger Brother, Dog, moving, grades, schools, friends, that is until the 8th grade. I am much more wise and I guess you could say impressive in speech when I'm talking online vs. In real life. I have confidence to say what I am thinking, to talk to new people and maybe it is a skill. However in the 8th grade I had to make a choice of my next school, High school. Would I choose My town high school, or the other option, a Vocational High school. After exploring my options with both schools, I chose the Vocational, for the record when I made this decision I was still in the 8th grade, and to my knowledge that's where pain had begun. I had met a girl, I talked to very little in class, but outside on a instant messenger is where I really talked to her. Brianna P****** And I think there was something there, I remember telling her I liked her and it wasn't the first girl I said this too, but it was this time it was different. I was asked out twice before in the 6th grade but never wanted to be in a relationship, This time I did. And when I could have been. I stopped. I stood still and buried myself under the ground and asked myself the most stupid question in the world, "Do, I want this? Am I ready?" Now normally I don't think that is a stupid question, however for this reason it is. When I asked that, I just cut off all communications with her and If you ever read this, I'm sorry, I apologize so much that I can't say much more. I can cry and smile when I think about this, because of the opportunity I had to be happy was there, and I let it just slide away. Why? Because being alone was natural to me. In the 9th grade, I started to question my gender, but to myself and never told anyone until senior year when everything exploded out and I was the verge of suicide.
A path which one walks, has loops and stairs, of which they must walk around and up, but the path that one chooses will never follow that path. I will explain, you never want to live your life walking in a straight line, you make choices that you have to think about and I have seen everyone do it. I am an exception because I never walked the path upwards, I chose to follow that path downwards. Bringing myself into my own depression. Creating fictional depression just to feel better as if there was a reason to be depressed other than of my own mistakes.
I created my sadness, and till this day, I would never admit it. Senior year was the worst year of my life, I filled myself with sorrow and hate. Wanting to kill a pain worse than life itself. Before I go into a poetic stance this is a story not a poem. So I will make it understandable not a riddle for only a few to take the time to decipher. I was alone, I cried alone and stood alone. Living two personalities. One of which you would never know the real me. That is the one I presented to the world. And the one which caused me pain. Senior year I exposed my mind to the world, I felt not like a male, but female, and although I exposed it, 90% of all the people I know still don't know. I told one other student, that's it. Right now, I don't know what I feel like. And for sexual orientation for people who think it is okay to ask. I don't know pan-sexual maybe. Nor has that ever been released, as well as this expect to a few people, I have lived parts of my online life as a female, talking to people as if they never knew I was male. It's a sinister lie that caused pain when I couldn't keep up the "act" in which some people understood it, and others left me for good. And I accept that would come but I feel I gained more confidence from it, and am more able to talk freely because of it.
Now the reason why this is the story of success and loss isn't because of my failures in life. It is because I gained from this, I went from being extremely depressed, suicidal, homicidal, and people that know me, I would never tell the doctor how I was feeling because they would keep me locked away in the mental hospital, but yes I was feeling this. That person who bullied me over drug money that had nothing to do with me, I wanted to kill. I wanted make him understand the pain I went through and give him nothing more than an end to his life. But I recovered from that, It may hang over my head for a life time, but I recovered, yes people and I get depressed here and there, but never to that level. Not anymore.
Now the loss may seem like, a feeling of being alone, but its more about the loss of my future success. While writing this I now at 4:00 AM have decided to share this with everyone. Don't care what people think or feel about me. It will show a different side of me and that is what I want people to know. For my loss of success, I was going to turn my life around. Get my license, get a job, get a life, go to school, be with someone I love and I would start in 2014 a new year, a new start. Well things happen, the love of my life the person who I thought I was going to spend my entire life with every goal I had made was to be with her, is now engaged. Why? I waited to long again. My chance to start school, and I can't leave to go to campus, why? My step father was arrested and sent to prison for anywhere from like 4 months to 5 years apparently, and with my mother working no one to take care of my siblings, so If you ever read this. I love you, you are a father to me just your stupidity is holding me back so you know. I don't give a f*** about how I do it, I'm going to change my life this year even if it is just a little bit. Online college maybe my only option, and if so I might pursue it, I'm sick of waiting for nothing.
I want something out of my life, and Maybe I will never have a life because I don't have the drive, But one thing for sure, for everyone who left me, for all the loss I had for everything I did wrong in my life, I'm going to find a way to fix it all.
~ Anthony P*****. January. 2nd. 2014. 4:10AM
P.S. To the ones I said I love you, to. I will always keep that true, I may not have mentioned you but I hold something dear to me. Love isn't something I understand but it is not something that I don't feel. And when I say it, I mean it for life, and I've taken the time to realize it.
While I was growing up, I never thought of myself being depressed, just normal someone who likes to work alone. Be alone, and work alone. I never once thought about it how it was strange that I didn't have confidence to stand up my family or friends to ask them simple questions. I was ALWAYS a follower. I tended to not want to trust people, which can be a good thing, but at the same time, people I didn't trust I didn't talk to. So I never really met anyone new. I always thought I had a clear path in life of what I wanted to do. I remember when I was just 2 years of age, I loved drawing, and I still do. I use to draw a lot at my grandmother's house and spend time with her neighbors and grew attached to one of them more than the rest. Unfortunately, my memory's of him are weak but, He was like a father to me. My father left me 3 months before I was born, and to this day I have never met him, I recently just turned 19 as well. Now there was another man in my life who would later become my step father and this plays a huge role of why I'm writing this, but I'll touch on that later. So the 2 figures that I had other than my mother and grandmother, were William S********** and Robert(Bobby) De*****. William later became my step father, and Bobby later passed away, Which I continued on, I was saddened but continued on.
Not much changed for years, other than My step father, mother, Younger sister, Younger Brother, Dog, moving, grades, schools, friends, that is until the 8th grade. I am much more wise and I guess you could say impressive in speech when I'm talking online vs. In real life. I have confidence to say what I am thinking, to talk to new people and maybe it is a skill. However in the 8th grade I had to make a choice of my next school, High school. Would I choose My town high school, or the other option, a Vocational High school. After exploring my options with both schools, I chose the Vocational, for the record when I made this decision I was still in the 8th grade, and to my knowledge that's where pain had begun. I had met a girl, I talked to very little in class, but outside on a instant messenger is where I really talked to her. Brianna P****** And I think there was something there, I remember telling her I liked her and it wasn't the first girl I said this too, but it was this time it was different. I was asked out twice before in the 6th grade but never wanted to be in a relationship, This time I did. And when I could have been. I stopped. I stood still and buried myself under the ground and asked myself the most stupid question in the world, "Do, I want this? Am I ready?" Now normally I don't think that is a stupid question, however for this reason it is. When I asked that, I just cut off all communications with her and If you ever read this, I'm sorry, I apologize so much that I can't say much more. I can cry and smile when I think about this, because of the opportunity I had to be happy was there, and I let it just slide away. Why? Because being alone was natural to me. In the 9th grade, I started to question my gender, but to myself and never told anyone until senior year when everything exploded out and I was the verge of suicide.
A path which one walks, has loops and stairs, of which they must walk around and up, but the path that one chooses will never follow that path. I will explain, you never want to live your life walking in a straight line, you make choices that you have to think about and I have seen everyone do it. I am an exception because I never walked the path upwards, I chose to follow that path downwards. Bringing myself into my own depression. Creating fictional depression just to feel better as if there was a reason to be depressed other than of my own mistakes.
I created my sadness, and till this day, I would never admit it. Senior year was the worst year of my life, I filled myself with sorrow and hate. Wanting to kill a pain worse than life itself. Before I go into a poetic stance this is a story not a poem. So I will make it understandable not a riddle for only a few to take the time to decipher. I was alone, I cried alone and stood alone. Living two personalities. One of which you would never know the real me. That is the one I presented to the world. And the one which caused me pain. Senior year I exposed my mind to the world, I felt not like a male, but female, and although I exposed it, 90% of all the people I know still don't know. I told one other student, that's it. Right now, I don't know what I feel like. And for sexual orientation for people who think it is okay to ask. I don't know pan-sexual maybe. Nor has that ever been released, as well as this expect to a few people, I have lived parts of my online life as a female, talking to people as if they never knew I was male. It's a sinister lie that caused pain when I couldn't keep up the "act" in which some people understood it, and others left me for good. And I accept that would come but I feel I gained more confidence from it, and am more able to talk freely because of it.
Now the reason why this is the story of success and loss isn't because of my failures in life. It is because I gained from this, I went from being extremely depressed, suicidal, homicidal, and people that know me, I would never tell the doctor how I was feeling because they would keep me locked away in the mental hospital, but yes I was feeling this. That person who bullied me over drug money that had nothing to do with me, I wanted to kill. I wanted make him understand the pain I went through and give him nothing more than an end to his life. But I recovered from that, It may hang over my head for a life time, but I recovered, yes people and I get depressed here and there, but never to that level. Not anymore.
Now the loss may seem like, a feeling of being alone, but its more about the loss of my future success. While writing this I now at 4:00 AM have decided to share this with everyone. Don't care what people think or feel about me. It will show a different side of me and that is what I want people to know. For my loss of success, I was going to turn my life around. Get my license, get a job, get a life, go to school, be with someone I love and I would start in 2014 a new year, a new start. Well things happen, the love of my life the person who I thought I was going to spend my entire life with every goal I had made was to be with her, is now engaged. Why? I waited to long again. My chance to start school, and I can't leave to go to campus, why? My step father was arrested and sent to prison for anywhere from like 4 months to 5 years apparently, and with my mother working no one to take care of my siblings, so If you ever read this. I love you, you are a father to me just your stupidity is holding me back so you know. I don't give a f*** about how I do it, I'm going to change my life this year even if it is just a little bit. Online college maybe my only option, and if so I might pursue it, I'm sick of waiting for nothing.
I want something out of my life, and Maybe I will never have a life because I don't have the drive, But one thing for sure, for everyone who left me, for all the loss I had for everything I did wrong in my life, I'm going to find a way to fix it all.
~ Anthony P*****. January. 2nd. 2014. 4:10AM
P.S. To the ones I said I love you, to. I will always keep that true, I may not have mentioned you but I hold something dear to me. Love isn't something I understand but it is not something that I don't feel. And when I say it, I mean it for life, and I've taken the time to realize it.