Constant Fear

[Atonement]

I am scared. I am scared of myself. I am horrified because I know that every day could very well be my last because I know I could be the one to end it. It doesn't matter what I am doing, I will sometimes just sit there and wonder if today is my last. I am literally going insane. I havent cut for close to 3 days now, and I am afraid that if I snap and cut, I will cut my last. I don't know how to control this fear.

Any ideas how to get rid of this fear?

[thesphinx]

Remember that you are in control of your body if you don't want to kill yourself you can stop your body you have to remember this you are in control.

[dinger]

it is good that in a way i can tell that you dont really want to hurt yourself which is a good thing. remember that you are in control and you must resist these urges, no matter how big or strong they may be. everyone has a pourpose to live and to be on this earth, and you dont want to throw that away. you have a good chance to live your life unlike others whos time is slowly counting down. i know it is hard but i know you can do it.
have you ever tried to talk to soemone, becasue i believe they can help you a great deal. please try. :)

[Atonement]

I have spoken, I have spoken for all to hear, and it is too much.

I have now learned to accept the fact that I cut, I harm myself. And, I am okay with it. I am sick and tired to reisting, everytime I try to stop, I fail. The feeling of being tired and sick has overcome me and I just give up trying to stop. Whats the point?

[The Batman]

just distract yourself whenever you want to cut

[sophies_justice]

i used to cut myself all the time. i have so many scars on my arms and my legs, and there was a time when i thought that i would never, ever be able to stop. it was my life, it was what kept me from feeling suicidal, because i knew that as long as i had a way to let the pain and the fear out i wasn't going to kill myself.

but i haven't cut now for almost two years. it wasn't easy, and since then i have moved on to other things that don't help me, like an eating disorder, but i just want you to know that it is possible to stop hurting yourself. it is possible to have a life after all of this. i'm not going to lie to you, it's hard to stop. you have to have a support system around you whether it be friends at school or at home, your parents, or even the people here on VT. your support system will help you when the urges to cut are too much. if you don't have a therapist or counselor i would get one and talk to them, they definitly help a lot.

but always remember that you can do this, you have it in you. and anytime you need to talk or vent or whatever you can talk to me. or as always everyone else here on this site. we all care, and we want to see you succeed!! :)

stay strong!

...

[byee]

Explain something to me, Addison. How can someone who has the self control and focus to play many instruments, speak many languages, and get mostly A's in school not have the self control and discipline to not cut or otherwise hurt themself?

[Atonement]

Thats the thing, I don't have to focus to play instruments and get good grades. Music is not something learned, it is something lived. And school, lol getting A's doesnt mean I try. Self control is a whole nothing picture

Oh, and as for distracting myself, I do try, I get on VT, I play tetris, I pull out whatever instruemtn I feel like playing, but no, I cannot seem to stay distracted.

[The Batman]

Go out and play then find some friends to have fun with do anything that will take your mind off of it

[byee]

I think you're missing my point, Addison. Gifted people tend to do do consistently well in all areas of their lives. Those abilities that allow you to master language, academics, or music are available to your emotional side as well. Mastery is mastery. I'm not sure why you cannot access those abilites in at least controlling those self destructive urges, if not downright purging them entirely. Likewise, the abilities to resolve issues and find happiness should be there for you.

Cutting yourself and talking about it are attention grabbing behaviors. Maybe there's a part of you, that, regardless of how bright and accomplished you are, is still lacking in some basic attention? Maybe these feelings and behaviors serve an attention seeking function?

[Atonement]

No, quite the opposite, if I wanted the attention from cutting, I would tell my family and friends, but they are still oblivious to the fact.

[byee]

No, but by telling us, you get the attention without having to address the behavior. I suppose the reaction of your friends and family would be different, they'd attend to it, by bringing you to a therapist.

If you were bothered by the behavior, if you saw it as something dangerous (which it is), then you'd forego the attention here and tell someone there who could actually do something about it. If you were doing this as an expression of real pain, you'd want it to go away. So, you'd tell someone there. You'd get attention, but in a different, and dare I say, far better way than talking about it here.

Again, people who are in command of their lives make conscious choices. The fact that you have so many abilities yet choose to engage in this type of behavior makes no sense. Unless it's meeting some need, which isn;t one you should be indulging.

You don't have to accept what I'm saying here, I think you'd rather 'yes, But' me. But, if you want to really stop cutting (and generally feel better by addressing whatever else is making you unhappy), you'll tell your family and get some real help.

[The Batman]

I agree with that a million times if you do truly want help then you'll tell someone around you because the only thing we can do is offer our insight but your family and friends they are the ones that can truly get you help

[Atonement]

I have tried dam near everything everyone here has suggested, and I still cannot stop.