Confusing Situation...

[katapiezo]

Well, I was abused when I was younger and the favorite thing the guy liked to do to me was cut me.

Anyway, ever since he's been arrested, I've been cutting myself in almost all the same places he cut me. I've literally been re-opening my scars ever since. And all that it does is remind me of him, and that makes me feel really depressed and angry.
So I don't know why I'm doing this if it only makes me feel worse about myself.
And my family hasn't been helpful because my mother still blames me for putting away the "love of her life" and the rest of my family is mad at me for upsetting her....

And I've talked to psychiatrists about this and all they did was make me break down and cry and make me hurt myself in more severe ways. One time I even broke my finger because I was so upset.


It sounds kind of stupid and unrealistic....
And I don't know if I'm asking for help in figuring out a reason or if I just felt like rambling....

Then again, this probably means I want someone to help me but I'm denying it to myself or something....

Now I'm confused....

...I need to stop talking so much....

[Atonement]

First, there is nothing wrong with talking about what you need to talk about. We all want to help you any way we can.

Also, it is seriously screwed up that you mom blames you for losing her love. A parents first and fore most responsibility is ALWAYS for the safety of their child. No exception. I suggest you talk to her about that the best you can.

As for the actual self harm, I would maybe even investigate some kind of anger management or something along that lines. Breaking your finger because you are angry is really bad.

Though ultimately, try to talk to a psychiatrist again and make sure you say EVERYTHING. Especially tell them about hurting yourself and stuff like that.

I wish the you best of luck with everything! :hug:

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

Well, it does mean that help would be a good thing. And odd as it sounds, therapists are supposed to bring up all the things that make you feel like crap, at least at first. That's how they know what's bothering you, why it's bothering you, and how to go about making you feel better. That's why they always have at least two boxes of tissues in their office. I might suggest seeing a new therapist, and letting them know beforehand how your previous therapy experiences have gone. Maybe they can take things a little slower so as not to cause as many problems? It could be worth a shot, to make things better in the end. And no matter what your family tells you, it isn't your fault the way things have ended up. You're a victim here, not a criminal.

[katapiezo]

Also, it is seriously screwed up that you mom blames you for losing her love. A parents first and fore most responsibility is ALWAYS for the safety of their child. No exception. I suggest you talk to her about that the best you can.

Yeah, it is screwed up. But when I did talk to my mom when he was still with us, she told me "I'm sure he's not hitting you that hard"
Yep, that's my mom for you.

As for the actual self harm, I would maybe even investigate some kind of anger management or something along that lines. Breaking your finger because you are angry is really bad.

Anger management?
I never really thought of that.....
I'm not so sure about that though...
But the finger breaking was more out of a sad upset than a angry upset....but it still might work.

Though ultimately, try to talk to a psychiatrist again and make sure you say EVERYTHING. Especially tell them about hurting yourself and stuff like that.

I did tell them everything....
So...I don't really know....

I wish the you best of luck with everything! :hug:

Thanks.


Well, it does mean that help would be a good thing. And odd as it sounds, therapists are supposed to bring up all the things that make you feel like crap, at least at first. That's how they know what's bothering you, why it's bothering you, and how to go about making you feel better. That's why they always have at least two boxes of tissues in their office.

I understand that, but they don't do much about it afterwards....

I might suggest seeing a new therapist, and letting them know beforehand how your previous therapy experiences have gone. Maybe they can take things a little slower so as not to cause as many problems? It could be worth a shot, to make things better in the end.

But, I need to find a therapist within walking distance because my mother wouldn't drive me to one, and I've pretty much been to all of them in my city. Even though that's only about three....

And no matter what your family tells you, it isn't your fault the way things have ended up. You're a victim here, not a criminal.

Yeah.
But my family still doesn't like me....

[Atonement]

Well, not like group anger management, but like just finding the calming, soothing kind of things that help you with cooping with emotions.

Also, as for your mom, a parents responsibility is only for the safety and well being of their child, no matter what.

[Loony]

It sounds like PTSD to me which typically isn't helped by talking about it

[Kaleidoscope Eyes]

It sounds like PTSD to me which typically isn't helped by talking about it

Excuse me? If you don't talk about it, you bottle it up, and it gets worse. Trust me, I've been there. PTSD is likely to go away faster if you get let out those emotions and thoughts it's causing in a productive manner, whether by talking about it, or writing, or whatever. This is not one of those things that goes away when you ignore it.

[The Batman]

You ever thought about staying at a grandparents house or maybe an aunts or uncle's. It would probably be better for you to get away for awhile and just work on making yourself better.

[byee]

I'm not sure why you're continuing to victimize yourself, but at least you're aware that it's not a good thing to do and that you should try to stop. Abuse is a complicated thing, it would seem pretty clear that when it stops, you shouldn't perpetuate the abuse by doing it to yourself. Part of what makes all this so profound is that it's illogical. Maybe you're trying to work something about it out by doing it to yourself, maybe you want someone to notice it and stop you from doing it, to protect you, like perhaps you wanted when 'he' was doing it? Your mom doesn't sound too enlightened, maybe that's part of it.

Recognizing that this is very destructive is enough of a reason to struggle with yourself and not give into the urges to cut. This isn't about 'him' or 'her', it's about you. Try to seperate 'them' from you, because what's happening to you now is self inflicted, and sadly, it doesn't sound as if anyone other than you can stop this. You have to take care of yourself here and protect yourself. This is no longer about wanting someone else to step in and stop it, you can stop it yourself.

I so like the idea of therapy for you, too. I realize finding the right therapist isn't easy, so much is determined by their personality and such. And, because you're (understandably) bruised, it's difficult to open up and trust. However, having been to a few of them, you seem to know what it is you're looking for, tell them. It takes time to build trust and feel safe, tht they can manage your feelings nd help soothe you when all that stuff comes up. Go slowly, therapy is a process, this will take some time. Start by talking about other things in your life that aren;t as emotional. There's this misbegotten belief that when you start therapy you should jump right in with the most painful issues. I don't know very many sane people who would actually do that, however!

Think about those 3 therapists you saw and give the one who seemed warmest and most genuine another call, this time tell him how to proceed.

[katapiezo]

Thanks guys.
I decided to tell my boyfriend about this and he told his parents and they decided to take me to a therapist that they know.
And they're going to drive me, so I can get there. I'm going to be starting sessions on Wednesday.

[Atonement]

Great step forward. Good luck with everything!

[The Batman]

I'm so happy for you and wish you luck and I hope you get the help you need

[katapiezo]

Thanks.
I have a good feeling this time, like it's actually going to work out.

[byee]

Yes, good for you, and good luck! Remember, you don;t have to tell the doctor everything all at once the first time! Take it slow, get used to the whole process, this will take some time.

keep us posted!

[katapiezo]

Yeah, I'll definately keep you guys updated on this.

I would feel horrible if I didn't.
I mean you guys took the time to listen, it'd be sort of harsh to not let you know how things were going.

[katapiezo]

Sorry for the delay in the update....

Well, I went to the therapist on Wednesday, Dr. H, and everything was going fine. We were just talking about me, my intrests, hobbies, favorites of various things, etc.
But then we started talking about my home life....I kept silent.
And I wouldn't talk for the rest of the time.

Gah....I hate myself...

But I didn't re-open any scars that day.....I just created new ones instead....

However, I have another apointment in about seven hours...so I'm hoping that this one will turn out better...

[byee]

Good for you for going and talking with Dr H! It's also OK that you kept silent on those things you weren't yet willing to talk about, you did fine!

Therapy is a process, it's ongoing, you get to stuff when you're ready, not to worry. There's always next time. Just stay with it, talk about those things you're comfortable with. Or, just sit silently. It's your time, the doctor is there just for you, do whatever you want with that time.

Maybe instead of cutting, you could start a journal/diary, so you can get the feelings out in a better way?

[katapiezo]

Ok...so, the past few days I haven't really been able to get to a computer, and if I did, it was only for a few minutes. So sorry for taking forever to respond.
Anyway, so Dr. H. decided my situation was too advanced for her.
So she referred me to some other guy that I guess specializes on cases like mine.

He prescribed I think propranolol to me...which helps a bit, but it's not that great.

He also said I have social phobia, which wasn't really a big shocker because I've always feared rejection from everyone.