What am I...?

[Blood_Thorn]

I don't know if this is the right place to post it, but it seems the most appropriate, but hey everyone, for a while I have been having issues with gender an sexual identity, I have figured out who I am sexually after discovering asexuality and how well it fits with how I feel, but am still quite confused gender wise and was wondering if anyone could help...

Well to start off it is probably best to say that I am biologically male, but don't understand the role given to males in our society, and I don't really feel masculine or identify much with it. But after thinking about what it would be like to be female, or act feminine I don't really enjoy acting feminine, or identify with it much either. To me I don't really see any benefits for myself in being male, or being female or other, and I don't like or want to be judge for what sex I am, I just want people to judge and think of me as myself not as male or female or anything.

Though it might not have anything to do with it, I am asexual but still have a libido, and I hate it... Whenever I get the urges or take care of them, I despise it and myself, and it just distresses me..

So I just don't know who I really am and I wonder, does anyone else feel similar and would this fit under any particular label...?

[ksdnfkfr]

I found a discussion forum for asexual ppl once and did some
reading and asked a few questions. Asexual does not mean you
don't have a sex drive - but means you want to take care of it
yourself instead of having a sex partner.

Also while I am not asexual, I also do not like gender rules and roles much.
I don't like it that I am supposed to do things boys do and not supposed
to do things girls do. Or anything about boys "acting girly" and all that.
I don't think it is fair that at a lot of jobs girls can have long hair and boys can't.
If I wanted to wear some girly blouse or a bunch of jewelry or w/e I should be able
to without anyone making an issue of it. These gender rules and categories are so stupid to me.

[tommym]

First of all, I'm sorry that you're struggling with your identity. It's a fairly common situation, but most people suffering from it aren't vocal about it. I admire you for bringing it up and for asking such intelligent questions.

It sounds like you naturally identify yourself as a male human being. And you mention that you have a sex drive, but prefer not to be sexual with anyone. Based on these things, you're past the most difficult hurdle, because as a sexual being, your mind knows your male and it's OK with that. You never have to act on your sexual urges, but if you did, it sounds like you would likely choose a female partner.

As for your role in society, there are no more rules with regard to gender. You can pursue any career you want, or follow the path that would have been known as a female path in the past.

If you keep sex out of it, and don't try to force yourself down any certain path, life will guide you naturally. Accept whatever feels most comfortable. There are no decisions you need to make right now, so just enjoy life and see where it takes you.

[Blood_Thorn]

I found a discussion forum for asexual ppl once and did some
reading and asked a few questions. Asexual does not mean you
don't have a sex drive - but means you want to take care of it
yourself instead of having a sex partner.

Also while I am not asexual, I also do not like gender rules and roles much.
I don't like it that I am supposed to do things boys do and not supposed
to do things girls do. Or anything about boys "acting girly" and all that.
I don't think it is fair that at a lot of jobs girls can have long hair and boys can't.
If I wanted to wear some girly blouse or a bunch of jewelry or w/e I should be able
to without anyone making an issue of it. These gender rules and categories are so stupid to me.

was it AVEN? I have been asking around a little bit there... But I do believe I am asexual because I don't get sexually attracted to people...

First of all, I'm sorry that you're struggling with your identity. It's a fairly common situation, but most people suffering from it aren't vocal about it. I admire you for bringing it up and for asking such intelligent questions.

It sounds like you naturally identify yourself as a male human being. And you mention that you have a sex drive, but prefer not to be sexual with anyone. Based on these things, you're past the most difficult hurdle, because as a sexual being, your mind knows your male and it's OK with that. You never have to act on your sexual urges, but if you did, it sounds like you would likely choose a female partner.

As for your role in society, there are no more rules with regard to gender. You can pursue any career you want, or follow the path that would have been known as a female path in the past.

If you keep sex out of it, and don't try to force yourself down any certain path, life will guide you naturally. Accept whatever feels most comfortable. There are no decisions you need to make right now, so just enjoy life and see where it takes you.

Thank you for that, it's good advice, except I do think of myself as panromantic, so I don't just get attracted to females...

[ksdnfkfr]

was it AVEN? I have been asking around a little bit there... But I do believe I am asexual because I don't get sexually attracted to people...

Yeah that's the one - I recognize the white triangle. But yeah as I understand it, you are prob asexual. But that does not mean you have to follow strict criteria for that. On the autism forum I'm on ppl get diagnosed with aspergers and then feel like they have to follow every textbook trait to the letter. Even though I am in a relationship right now, I am prob more geared towards being asexual. I may go through my entire adult life with no partner - I pretty much prefer to be solitary.

[Blood_Thorn]

Yeah that's the one - I recognize the white triangle. But yeah as I understand it, you are prob asexual. But that does not mean you have to follow strict criteria for that. On the autism forum I'm on ppl get diagnosed with aspergers and then feel like they have to follow every textbook trait to the letter. Even though I am in a relationship right now, I am prob more geared towards being asexual. I may go through my entire adult life with no partner - I pretty much prefer to be solitary.

well since asexual is a fairly wide umbrella with how you feel it and what you do and all, it would be quite hard to try and follow every trait described for it, with myself I don't try to follow any of those things, it is just how I feel...

[ksdnfkfr]

well since asexual is a fairly wide umbrella with how you feel it and what you do and all, it would be quite hard to try and follow every trait described for it, with myself I don't try to follow any of those things, it is just how I feel...

I completely agree with you about not following traits. Breaking away from them is one of the things that has allowed me to progress as far as I have.

[Blood_Thorn]

I completely agree with you about not following traits. Breaking away from them is one of the things that has allowed me to progress as far as I have.

It is good to hear that doing such has allowed you to progress :)
I do find though, that labels and being able to put a name to things helps me to understand myself better, and for lack of a better way to say it, helps me slightly to get over whatever it is.

[ksdnfkfr]

It is good to hear that doing such has allowed you to progress :)
I do find though, that labels and being able to put a name to things helps me to understand myself better, and for lack of a better way to say it, helps me slightly to get over whatever it is.

Oh definitely. It's good to know why things are the way they are and how they fall into place. But at the same time when I was little there was a certain amount of "he can't do this" or "he won't be able to do that". I like the Clint Eastwood line "a man's got to know his limitations". To me that means knowing what is a limit and what limits can be broken. Not following all criteria to the letter.

[Blood_Thorn]

Oh definitely. It's good to know why things are the way they are and how they fall into place. But at the same time when I was little there was a certain amount of "he can't do this" or "he won't be able to do that". I like the Clint Eastwood line "a man's got to know his limitations". To me that means knowing what is a limit and what limits can be broken. Not following all criteria to the letter.
They should look at it scientifically, if you have a certain , condition or are a certain way they shouldn't say, "They won't be able to do that." But rather, "They may not be able to do that." or, "They probably won't able to do that." Because even if all or most others with the same condition or a similar way can't do something doesn't mean you won't be able to do it, it may mean you likely may not be able to do it but not you'll definitely not be able to do it. Well your limits wouldn't be set by by how your condition is defined, but by how the condition affects you.

[ksdnfkfr]

They should look at it scientifically, if you have a certain , condition or are a certain way they shouldn't say, "They won't be able to do that." But rather, "They may not be able to do that." or, "They probably won't able to do that." Because even if all or most others with the same condition or a similar way can't do something doesn't mean you won't be able to do it, it may mean you likely may not be able to do it but not you'll definitely not be able to do it. Well your limits wouldn't be set by by how your condition is defined, but by how the condition affects you.

I have the feeling that doctors always give parents worse case scenarios.

[Blood_Thorn]

I have the feeling that doctors always give parents worse case scenarios.
Well I guess it means parents won't be as surprised or worried if the worst case scenario does occur...

[Gigablue]

This sounds almost exactly like me. For the longest time I didn't know what sexual orientation I was, since I didn't feel attracted to anyone, then I learned about a sexuality and it all made sense.

I still don't really understand what gender really is. It seems like a bunch of pointless social rules, constraints, prejudices and expectations. I don't really feel innately masculine or feminine. I am biologically male, and follow the social constraints of being male, for the sake of convenience. I wouldn't really care if I were to become female, but I don't have any desire to change. I would rather be thought of as an individual, rather than a member of a specific sex or gender, who has to abide to specific, arbitrary rules.

It seems gender innately makes sense to everyone else, but I just don't get it. I don't really see the point.

[Blood_Thorn]

This sounds almost exactly like me. For the longest time I didn't know what sexual orientation I was, since I didn't feel attracted to anyone, then I learned about a sexuality and it all made sense.

I still don't really understand what gender really is. It seems like a bunch of pointless social rules, constraints, prejudices and expectations. I don't really feel innately masculine or feminine. I am biologically male, and follow the social constraints of being male, for the sake of convenience. I wouldn't really care if I were to become female, but I don't have any desire to change. I would rather be thought of as an individual, rather than a member of a specific sex or gender, who has to abide to specific, arbitrary rules.

It seems gender innately makes sense to everyone else, but I just don't get it. I don't really see the point.

It is awesome to hear that someone else feels similarly, and that we are not alone. :)
After you learnt about asexuality did it make you feel a bit better, that you understood yourself more?

[Gigablue]

It is awesome to hear that someone else feels similarly, and that we are not alone. :)
After you learnt about asexuality did it make you feel a bit better, that you understood yourself more?

I felt more relieved than anything else. After all these years of being confused, I finally learned that there wasn't anything wrong with me.

[Blood_Thorn]

I felt more relieved than anything else. After all these years of being confused, I finally learned that there wasn't anything wrong with me.
Yeah that is quite similar to how I felt when I learnt about it as well :)

[Hallie]

There are many people who don't identify with a particular gender. They are called androgynous or non-binary. That is what you sound like to me, but you can never be too sure. You should look up the terms and see if you fit the description. In the end though, it's really up to you and what label makes you feel most comfortable :)

[Gigablue]

There are many people who don't identify with a particular gender. They are called androgynous or non-binary. That is what you sound like to me, but you can never be too sure. You should look up the terms and see if you fit the description. In the end though, it's really up to you and what label makes you feel most comfortable :)

That may be the case, but it really don't care enough about gender to look for a label. Gender is basically irrelevant to me. I would rather live my life as an individual, rather then trying to find some label to fit into a group that May or may not be like me. Also, I usually just use the label male. It works fine, and no one questions it. Since I basically abide by the social constraints placed upon males, I just find it more convenient.

[Blood_Thorn]

There are many people who don't identify with a particular gender. They are called androgynous or non-binary. That is what you sound like to me, but you can never be too sure. You should look up the terms and see if you fit the description. In the end though, it's really up to you and what label makes you feel most comfortable :)
Thank you, I did a bit of research on the different terms and such, and found for myself agender seems to fit for me... :)

That may be the case, but it really don't care enough about gender to look for a label. Gender is basically irrelevant to me. I would rather live my life as an individual, rather then trying to find some label to fit into a group that May or may not be like me. Also, I usually just use the label male. It works fine, and no one questions it. Since I basically abide by the social constraints placed upon males, I just find it more convenient.
I can understand how you find it irrelevant and wanting to be an individual, but picking up a label is something you do as a choice yourself, and it doesn't mean you have to fit exactly all the characteristics others tat took that label have. But again it is your choice whether to take a label or not, just for some it helps us to understand ourselves better :)