Dead Inside
December 28th, 2013, 10:25 PM
Hey guys, I need some help with a problem I'm developing. But first, I would like to tell my story just so you know where I'm coming from.
It all started just over a year ago. I could remember being somewhat happy with my life, surely i had no complications in it. Then I came out as gay, and before you jump to conclusion, that was a good experience for me. Everyone was accepting and kind about it, if anyone wasnt accepting i never knew. About 2 months after that, I got a boyfriend. This was my first real relationship and I had no idea what i was doing.
Now, I never used to want to do drugs. My friend would always ask me to smoke weed with her but I always said no (only because i didnt really feel the need to do it, i wasnt against it or anything). Ironically, a year later and ive done a decent amount of drugs but i have yet to smoke weed. But anyways, so i found out after i started dating my boyfriend that he smoked weed. Something about this bothered me. Maybe i didnt feel cool enough? Maybe i felt like it was bad for him? I dont know. Something bothered me. So for the next 2-3 months, i started to fall into a depression because i was just starting to hate life because of my boyfriend smoking weed and all that good stuff. He knew it would upset me but hed still do it anyways.
So as i was falling in this depression, I decided to start to try drugs. I guess to see what it was like, since my boyfriend did them sort of. My first drug experience was with Triple C's. I regretted it about 30 minutes later after the pills kicked in and i was puking up gray puke. It was horrible. I will admit i felt sorta good after the nausea, but still. The next morning i had school and i could still feel the drugs so i went home early. After that, I dropped acid. Twice to be exact. It was an awesome experience but i did have a bad trip my first time (I did it during the end of school, not a good idea) and i was a mess, but i still found it cool. The next time i did it, it went a bit better (aside from puking up watermelon, which ended up tasting like watermelon candy :P).
Now this is where the problem comes in. Maybe like 4-5 months in, still in my depression, I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out. So, all of my drug friends kept saying "Have fun with your painkillers" and i didnt take much notice of it cause i just thought id be getting some military grade tylenol or something idk. But so after my surgery, I went home with a bottle of 600mg ibuprofen and about 20 5mg vicodin. The first thing my mom said to me was "Be careful with the hydrocodone because people actually sell this stuff on the street". Again, didnt raise any flags for me. So i avoided taking the hardcore painkillers cause i wanted to save them for after i was out of pain. That was no problem for me for some reason.
The next time my boyfriend came over, I cracked out the vicodin. This was my first experience with painkillers. I took i believe two of them, then waited. When they kicked in, i had a tingly feeling in me, i didnt know what it was, but i knew this was way different from tylenol and advil and all that stuff. I liked it. It felt good.
So after that i was afraid i was going to get addicted so i threw them away. (I still cant believe that). Then one day i was bored, so i decided to rummage around my mom's houses' medicine cabinet. Lucky me i found a bottle of 5/325 Percocet. At first, i took a few at a time, then i realized no one noticed them in there so i took the whole bottle. I had fun for a bit. Then i was out.
A few months later, still in my depression, I was searching for more painkillers. I found tylenol 3 at my grandmothers (I am very ashamed to say that i went through that much trouble to snoop at someone elses house) and then, the major role of my problem, was what i found at my dads house. I found a bottle of 10mg pure oxycodone. In those bottles comes about 100-120 tiny tiny pink pills. I can get my hands on 20 of them at a time. Later i come to find out my stepmom got them for backpain and little did i know shed be getting some every month.
My stepmom has done drugs in her young days so she tells me and she goes through a bottle of oxy in a week. Literally. I dont know how but it happens. Whenever i get my hands on oxy, i normally have a 5-10 days of oxy fun. Lately, this has been getting worse and worse. My stepmom (I swear) steals percocet from her work because she works at a hospital and she never gets them prescribed. Ill find them in a xanax bottle or something.
ANYWAY, my problem is that, i am definitely emotionally attached to oxycodone. It makes all my problems and depression go away. I've never experienced a withdrawal from it thankfully but i feel like im pushing my limits. I actually have an appointment coming up to get antidepressants and im really hoping that itll help me stop with the oxy.
So here are my questions:
1. What are ways to kill the mental craving for oxycodone. They suck so much.
2. Do you have any idea if antidepressants will help me stop using?
3. Do you have any advice at all? Im desperate.
Sorry for rambling on and if you read all that thanks a lot.
It all started just over a year ago. I could remember being somewhat happy with my life, surely i had no complications in it. Then I came out as gay, and before you jump to conclusion, that was a good experience for me. Everyone was accepting and kind about it, if anyone wasnt accepting i never knew. About 2 months after that, I got a boyfriend. This was my first real relationship and I had no idea what i was doing.
Now, I never used to want to do drugs. My friend would always ask me to smoke weed with her but I always said no (only because i didnt really feel the need to do it, i wasnt against it or anything). Ironically, a year later and ive done a decent amount of drugs but i have yet to smoke weed. But anyways, so i found out after i started dating my boyfriend that he smoked weed. Something about this bothered me. Maybe i didnt feel cool enough? Maybe i felt like it was bad for him? I dont know. Something bothered me. So for the next 2-3 months, i started to fall into a depression because i was just starting to hate life because of my boyfriend smoking weed and all that good stuff. He knew it would upset me but hed still do it anyways.
So as i was falling in this depression, I decided to start to try drugs. I guess to see what it was like, since my boyfriend did them sort of. My first drug experience was with Triple C's. I regretted it about 30 minutes later after the pills kicked in and i was puking up gray puke. It was horrible. I will admit i felt sorta good after the nausea, but still. The next morning i had school and i could still feel the drugs so i went home early. After that, I dropped acid. Twice to be exact. It was an awesome experience but i did have a bad trip my first time (I did it during the end of school, not a good idea) and i was a mess, but i still found it cool. The next time i did it, it went a bit better (aside from puking up watermelon, which ended up tasting like watermelon candy :P).
Now this is where the problem comes in. Maybe like 4-5 months in, still in my depression, I had to get my wisdom teeth taken out. So, all of my drug friends kept saying "Have fun with your painkillers" and i didnt take much notice of it cause i just thought id be getting some military grade tylenol or something idk. But so after my surgery, I went home with a bottle of 600mg ibuprofen and about 20 5mg vicodin. The first thing my mom said to me was "Be careful with the hydrocodone because people actually sell this stuff on the street". Again, didnt raise any flags for me. So i avoided taking the hardcore painkillers cause i wanted to save them for after i was out of pain. That was no problem for me for some reason.
The next time my boyfriend came over, I cracked out the vicodin. This was my first experience with painkillers. I took i believe two of them, then waited. When they kicked in, i had a tingly feeling in me, i didnt know what it was, but i knew this was way different from tylenol and advil and all that stuff. I liked it. It felt good.
So after that i was afraid i was going to get addicted so i threw them away. (I still cant believe that). Then one day i was bored, so i decided to rummage around my mom's houses' medicine cabinet. Lucky me i found a bottle of 5/325 Percocet. At first, i took a few at a time, then i realized no one noticed them in there so i took the whole bottle. I had fun for a bit. Then i was out.
A few months later, still in my depression, I was searching for more painkillers. I found tylenol 3 at my grandmothers (I am very ashamed to say that i went through that much trouble to snoop at someone elses house) and then, the major role of my problem, was what i found at my dads house. I found a bottle of 10mg pure oxycodone. In those bottles comes about 100-120 tiny tiny pink pills. I can get my hands on 20 of them at a time. Later i come to find out my stepmom got them for backpain and little did i know shed be getting some every month.
My stepmom has done drugs in her young days so she tells me and she goes through a bottle of oxy in a week. Literally. I dont know how but it happens. Whenever i get my hands on oxy, i normally have a 5-10 days of oxy fun. Lately, this has been getting worse and worse. My stepmom (I swear) steals percocet from her work because she works at a hospital and she never gets them prescribed. Ill find them in a xanax bottle or something.
ANYWAY, my problem is that, i am definitely emotionally attached to oxycodone. It makes all my problems and depression go away. I've never experienced a withdrawal from it thankfully but i feel like im pushing my limits. I actually have an appointment coming up to get antidepressants and im really hoping that itll help me stop with the oxy.
So here are my questions:
1. What are ways to kill the mental craving for oxycodone. They suck so much.
2. Do you have any idea if antidepressants will help me stop using?
3. Do you have any advice at all? Im desperate.
Sorry for rambling on and if you read all that thanks a lot.