My Story...

[Melman]

I wasn't quite sure where to put this but...
I'm sorry that you had to read this, it's disgusting I know, but I need to vent the anger at myself.

My name is Matthew and this is my story.....

It all started in January 2013. I was just so excited about everything and so very happy. I was in a stage where I was quite self concious about my body and I started talking to only my most trusted friends about very personal things . I was interested to see if I was normal. All was fine until the topic of masturbation came up. At the time I thought that it was disgusting but my friends revealed that they did it too and they also said that many other guys in the grade did it too. All the cool kids did it so I thought that if I did it I would be cool as well. So I started. Back then it was only 2-3 times each week, probably less and the idea of pornography was repulsive and disgusting. So, off course, I was curious and I looked at porn and then gay porn. I found that I like gay porn and I watched it only about once very two weeks as i was still disgusted by it. When I got back to school I found out that I did not like the girl I had always liked. I liked a boy and it just so happened that that boy was one of my best friends. Over the course of the next few months I took countless online tests to see if I wad gay but it turned out that I was bisexual as I was still attracted to girls. I grew disgusted and repulsed at myself. I sunk into, what I believe, was depression. I found it extremely hard to get up in the morning, I didn't want to be around people. I wanted to be alone. This is when I started self harming. I punched and hit myself repeatedly with metal bottles and my own fists. I was disgusted that I masturbated and that I was attracted to guys. I started hating the guy who I liked, not only because I didn't want to like him but because he always ditched me and never talked to me. Then there was a period where I was really happy again. I no longer liked the boy that I used to but he kept ignoring me. I started getting sad and unhappy again. I was going through denial of my sexuality. All of my anger, frustration, sadness and disgust at myself overtook me. I kept masturbating and I also found that I kept staring at hot guys in public. I started self harming again, this time hitting myself with a belt. I hated myself, I wished that I was dead and I cried myself to sleep every night. I thought about drinking bleach. Eventually I stopped self harming but I still dreaded going to school every day. Most of my friends kept ditching me and I thought I was a freak. Every mean thing that I said/did felt like it was amplified by 1000. It was like a cloud of guilt and hate surrounding me, dragging me down. I started self harming again, repeatedly digging my nails into my skin, as it was drawing closer to the date when it had all started 1 year ago. Up until yesterday when I was trying to revive a friendship and all of the hate, anger, disgust, disappointment, sadness and revulsion just overwhelmed me. It all just came out to one of my friends. While I was saying it I think that I had a minor anxiety attack, I was shaking uncontrollably and I was sweating in an air conditioned room.
Every day I pray to God to help me. Please help me God, please help me. I hate myself and I just want to be normal...

[Blood]

I wasn't quite sure where to put this but...
I'm sorry that you had to read this, it's disgusting I know, but I need to vent the anger at myself.

My name is Matthew and this is my story.....

It all started in January 2013. I was just so excited about everything and so very happy. I was in a stage where I was quite self concious about my body and I started talking to only my most trusted friends about very personal things . I was interested to see if I was normal. All was fine until the topic of masturbation came up. At the time I thought that it was disgusting but my friends revealed that they did it too and they also said that many other guys in the grade did it too. All the cool kids did it so I thought that if I did it I would be cool as well. So I started. Back then it was only 2-3 times each week, probably less and the idea of pornography was repulsive and disgusting. So, off course, I was curious and I looked at porn and then gay porn. I found that I like gay porn and I watched it only about once very two weeks as i was still disgusted by it. When I got back to school I found out that I did not like the girl I had always liked. I liked a boy and it just so happened that that boy was one of my best friends. Over the course of the next few months I took countless online tests to see if I wad gay but it turned out that I was bisexual as I was still attracted to girls. I grew disgusted and repulsed at myself. I sunk into, what I believe, was depression. I found it extremely hard to get up in the morning, I didn't want to be around people. I wanted to be alone. This is when I started self harming. I punched and hit myself repeatedly with metal bottles and my own fists. I was disgusted that I masturbated and that I was attracted to guys. I started hating the guy who I liked, not only because I didn't want to like him but because he always ditched me and never talked to me. Then there was a period where I was really happy again. I no longer liked the boy that I used to but he kept ignoring me. I started getting sad and unhappy again. I was going through denial of my sexuality. All of my anger, frustration, sadness and disgust at myself overtook me. I kept masturbating and I also found that I kept staring at hot guys in public. I started self harming again, this time hitting myself with a belt. I hated myself, I wished that I was dead and I cried myself to sleep every night. I thought about drinking bleach. Eventually I stopped self harming but I still dreaded going to school every day. Most of my friends kept ditching me and I thought I was a freak. Every mean thing that I said/did felt like it was amplified by 1000. It was like a cloud of guilt and hate surrounding me, dragging me down. I started self harming again, repeatedly digging my nails into my skin, as it was drawing closer to the date when it had all started 1 year ago. Up until yesterday when I was trying to revive a friendship and all of the hate, anger, disgust, disappointment, sadness and revulsion just overwhelmed me. It all just came out to one of my friends. While I was saying it I think that I had a minor anxiety attack, I was shaking uncontrollably and I was sweating in an air conditioned room.
Every day I pray to God to help me. Please help me God, please help me. I hate myself and I just want to be normal...

Oh man. It sounds like you've had more than a really rough year. But you know what? This is all part of growing up. You're going to keep discovering and experimenting with new things to find out what you like. It's completely normal to masturbate and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all. And honestly, there's nothing really wrong with watching porn either.

Self harming is NEVER the answer. It's not going to help anything and the more you do it the more you're hurting yourself in the long run. When you get mad, instead of picking up something to hit yourself with, go out for a run and don't stop until you're worn out.

If your friends are ditching you and calling you a freak because of what you like, they're not very good friends. You need to surround yourself with people who are going to accept you for who you are. And if you're feeling super down, go talk to your parents or school counselor. They're there to help you.

I know it's hard but just try to keep your head up. You're still young. You have your whole life ahead of you, this is just a stage that will eventually pass. Work on learning to love and accept yourself for who you are. Good luck.

[Melman]

Oh man. It sounds like you've had more than a really rough year. But you know what? This is all part of growing up. You're going to keep discovering and experimenting with new things to find out what you like. It's completely normal to masturbate and you shouldn't feel bad about it at all. And honestly, there's nothing really wrong with watching porn either.

Self harming is NEVER the answer. It's not going to help anything and the more you do it the more you're hurting yourself in the long run. When you get mad, instead of picking up something to hit yourself with, go out for a run and don't stop until you're worn out.

If your friends are ditching you and calling you a freak because of what you like, they're not very good friends. You need to surround yourself with people who are going to accept you go who you are. And if you're feeling super down, go talk to your parents or school counselor. They're there to help you.

I know it's hard but just try to keep your head up. You're still young. You have your whole life ahead of you, this is just a stage that will eventually pass. Work on learning to love and accept yourself for who you are. Good luck.

Thank you so much! This has helped me in ways that u can't imagune. Thank you:)

[Blood]

Thank you so much! This has helped me in ways that u can't imagune. Thank you:)

Absolutely no problem. And I'm glad it's helped. :)

[elmoc]

Melman,

Please don't act on your impulses for self harm. You are experiencing the same things that many of us experience- trying to figure out where you fit in this world. Your feelings are completely normal: I think some just feel it more deeply than others.

Regarding masturbation, I think you are MUCH too hard on yourself. We are teen boys, and most anything can elicit a sexual response, which can easily lead to masturbation. Please don't hate yourself for doing what each of us (whether we admit it or not) does on a regular basis.

Anything can stir up sexual feelings for us @ the age we are now. Our brains are saturated with testosterone, & we can find sexual stimulation with almost any real or imagined situation. An example: a few days ago, my family was eating at The Olive Garden restaurant. There was a girl of about 14 at a table near us, & I was watching her lips as she ate her pasta- instant erection! Why? Heck if I know! Hormones! There was nothing sexual about it! I had to strategically place my napkin in my lap to keep from being embarrassed!

Us guys are very visual sexually, & that is never more evident than puberty! Viewing ANY type of sex can get us horny & looking for a place to masturbate. Please give yourself a break. Our sexual preferences may not be completely settled until we are over 20, & have experimented with several options.

Your sexual feelings are completely normal. Please, stop feeling guilty & disgusted. God made us so that testosterone causes overpowering needs. I don't think He has any problem with how we 'practice & prepare' ourselves for the sexual adults that He intends us to be. I have no idea whether or not you are a religious person, but I believe this: God made you & me to enjoy our adolescent years & the sexual awakening that we experiencing. He made you, just as you are. & He doesn't make mistakes!

Sorry if I am too religious, but as you can tell, I too have struggled with the feelings that you are experiencing. As long as you respect your body & the body of any friend/partner, sexual discovery should be guilt free & enjoyed!

[Melman]

Melman,

Please don't act on your impulses for self harm. You are experiencing the same things that many of us experience- trying to figure out where you fit in this world. Your feelings are completely normal: I think some just feel it more deeply than others.

Regarding masturbation, I think you are MUCH too hard on yourself. We are teen boys, and most anything can elicit a sexual response, which can easily lead to masturbation. Please don't hate yourself for doing what each of us (whether we admit it or not) does on a regular basis.

Anything can stir up sexual feelings for us @ the age we are now. Our brains are saturated with testosterone, & we can find sexual stimulation with almost any real or imagined situation. An example: a few days ago, my family was eating at The Olive Garden restaurant. There was a girl of about 14 at a table near us, & I was watching her lips as she ate her pasta- instant erection! Why? Heck if I know! Hormones! There was nothing sexual about it! I had to strategically place my napkin in my lap to keep from being embarrassed!

Us guys are very visual sexually, & that is never more evident than puberty! Viewing ANY type of sex can get us horny & looking for a place to masturbate. Please give yourself a break. Our sexual preferences may not be completely settled until we are over 20, & have experimented with several options.

Your sexual feelings are completely normal. Please, stop feeling guilty & disgusted. God made us so that testosterone causes overpowering needs. I don't think He has any problem with how we 'practice & prepare' ourselves for the sexual adults that He intends us to be. I have no idea whether or not you are a religious person, but I believe this: God made you & me to enjoy our adolescent years & the sexual awakening that we experiencing. He made you, just as you are. & He doesn't make mistakes!

Sorry if I am too religious, but as you can tell, I too have struggled with the feelings that you are experiencing. As long as you respect your body & the body of any friend/partner, sexual discovery should be guilt free & enjoyed!

Thank you so much! This post has increased my confidence astronomically! Btw I'm also very religious.
Thank you!

[elmoc]

Thank you so much! This post has increased my confidence astronomically! Btw I'm also very religious.
Thank you!

You're welcome! I truly believe what I wrote & am happy that it brought you some comfort. I hope you can enjoy your masturbation guilt-free. After all, it is essentially "practice" for us to procreate (if we choose). God made orgasms feel good for a reason- pleasure is not a bad word, IMO.