TheRedViper
December 14th, 2013, 10:21 AM
We'd been friends for about a year to a year and a half, ever since she moved into my class last year. At first it was only casual friends, but later, like in the middle of this year, we became incredibly close friends. She would pretty much confide in me everything about her life, no matter how private or personal. These things would range from arguments with her mum to problems with her boyfriend, her heavy use of drugs or the things she did at parties when drunk, to her troubled childhood. She felt comfortable telling me all these things. Which makes my betrayal of her trust even more horrible.
When I realised that I'd "fallen in love" with her, and one failed attempt at asking her out later (it only failed because she was still with her boyfriend, despite telling me she wasn't) I didn't know what to do. I knew that she had massive problems in her relationship with her boyfriend, who was a few years older than her and out of school, so I never met him. This led me to believe that there was still a chance I could go out with her if they broke up. She once confessed to me via text while she was at a party (very drunk and high, admittedly) that she would have gone out with me, but I was too good for her.
I would have gone to my friends with my dilemma, but they would have either laughed and not taken it seriously, or called her a slut and said I am way better than her. Neither would have been helpful. So I turned to the Internet for advice. I inquired on Yahoo Answers about my situation. I pretty much wrote all the stuff between us on there, including the personal stuff she told me about herself, however I wasn't stupid enough to use names, of course. This is where I get to the point of the story.
Since she was using her boyfriend's old phone, when she got into a fight with him she gave it back to him, so she didn't have a phone for a while. While at school and when out with her at the shops or whatever, I would let her use my phone so she could use Facebook and what not. Little did I know that she actually saw my questions that I posted on Yahoo Answers. She only told me this via iMessage last week, after we got into a little bit of an argument. When she brought this up I felt crushed. Though I never used any names, it was obvious to her I was talking about her. She made a couple of remarks like "why don't you just ask Yahoo Answers, like you do with everything about me." Since it was via iMessage it was hard to tell how she meant the comment to come across, but I felt in incredibly guilty for telling her secrets, however much anonymous. After she tried to kill herself a few months or so ago, (way before I posted the questions, so it didn't have anything to do with that) she made me promise to keep everything she told me between us. I promised her I would. This is what's making me feel so horribly guilty and terrible. Even though anonymously, I betrayed her strong trust in me. I sent her a message with a long apology, and asked if she forgave me for my stupidity, but that was a week ago, and she hasn't answered, though it says she's seen my message. By now she has a new phone, but I don't know her number, and she doesn't know my new number. I don't know if she still uses iMessage, so contact between us is complicated. We also finished the school year a few weeks ago, and she says she probably isn't coming back.
So basically, I fucked up the friendship I valued most in my life, and I feel terrible about it. I don't know what I hoped to achieve by saying all this, but I just wanted to get it out there.
When I realised that I'd "fallen in love" with her, and one failed attempt at asking her out later (it only failed because she was still with her boyfriend, despite telling me she wasn't) I didn't know what to do. I knew that she had massive problems in her relationship with her boyfriend, who was a few years older than her and out of school, so I never met him. This led me to believe that there was still a chance I could go out with her if they broke up. She once confessed to me via text while she was at a party (very drunk and high, admittedly) that she would have gone out with me, but I was too good for her.
I would have gone to my friends with my dilemma, but they would have either laughed and not taken it seriously, or called her a slut and said I am way better than her. Neither would have been helpful. So I turned to the Internet for advice. I inquired on Yahoo Answers about my situation. I pretty much wrote all the stuff between us on there, including the personal stuff she told me about herself, however I wasn't stupid enough to use names, of course. This is where I get to the point of the story.
Since she was using her boyfriend's old phone, when she got into a fight with him she gave it back to him, so she didn't have a phone for a while. While at school and when out with her at the shops or whatever, I would let her use my phone so she could use Facebook and what not. Little did I know that she actually saw my questions that I posted on Yahoo Answers. She only told me this via iMessage last week, after we got into a little bit of an argument. When she brought this up I felt crushed. Though I never used any names, it was obvious to her I was talking about her. She made a couple of remarks like "why don't you just ask Yahoo Answers, like you do with everything about me." Since it was via iMessage it was hard to tell how she meant the comment to come across, but I felt in incredibly guilty for telling her secrets, however much anonymous. After she tried to kill herself a few months or so ago, (way before I posted the questions, so it didn't have anything to do with that) she made me promise to keep everything she told me between us. I promised her I would. This is what's making me feel so horribly guilty and terrible. Even though anonymously, I betrayed her strong trust in me. I sent her a message with a long apology, and asked if she forgave me for my stupidity, but that was a week ago, and she hasn't answered, though it says she's seen my message. By now she has a new phone, but I don't know her number, and she doesn't know my new number. I don't know if she still uses iMessage, so contact between us is complicated. We also finished the school year a few weeks ago, and she says she probably isn't coming back.
So basically, I fucked up the friendship I valued most in my life, and I feel terrible about it. I don't know what I hoped to achieve by saying all this, but I just wanted to get it out there.