Believe
December 11th, 2013, 10:20 AM
Very few people that I know in real life know my entire story, and how/why I ended up where I am, mostly because I am never one to talk about me or my feelings, but hey maybe this could help one of you somehow. I was the first born of my parents in 1995, my mother having lived a tough life working for my grandfather as a lobster fisherman since 4th grade whereas my dad was babied and given everything he wanted his entire life. My mom used to commute 2 hours every day to her job and my dad had his own construction company, which all changed once my sister, Karin, was born in 1997. She was born with an oxygen deficiency and a multitude of other problems, including seizures the same day. Once she reached 4 years old and still couldn’t walk or talk, it was nearly certain that’s how things would be for the rest of her life. My mom stopped commuting to work and got a job to work from home, and my dad would work more and more to make up for the lack of income. I cared so much for her, even so young. Most of my time spent after school was playing with her and being the best brother I could no matter what. Things got worse over time. By the time I was in 5th grade she had been hospitalized 6 times with spans longer than 30 days, bi-weekly trips to the doctor and so much medicine it looked like my house was a pharmacy. But that didn’t help, things didn’t change. My parents cared enough to try and keep me sheltered, but I knew. Every Christmas I would only write one thing on my list; for her to be able to walk and talk. Wow was I naïve. Eventually it got to the point where she was so much to take care of that my mom couldn’t work and take care of her at the same time for 8 hours during the day until I came home to take over until she was off, so the help of homecare nurses was needed. 50 Nurses later, there has only been one that has stayed for over 2 years without jeopardizing her life or neglecting her. Ill get into that later. Anyways, soon enough Karin couldn’t eat via mouth anymore, so she had surgery to had a feeding tube placed into her stomach. That was one of the most difficult things ever for me then. Knowing that she couldn’t eat normal food again, that she lost one of the things that we hold so dearly. I still remember that day. That was the moment I lost my innocence. I realized that she wouldn’t live as long as I did. That everyday became a question of whether or not when I come home from school will things be okay. I still loved her with all my heart, and would sacrifice anything for her. Hence upon entering middle school, most of my time spent either at home or playing soccer, two things that I loved. I didn’t have many friends or talk to many people, I felt that I should be home, that it wasn’t fair to my mom and dad for me to be about doing whatever I wanted. I pretended that I had loads of friends in front of them so they wouldn’t feel sad or bad. Things progressively got worse overtime. Although in school I was in all honors classes and had a perfect gpa, Karin got sicker over time. All sorts of medical machines and oxygen tanks filled every corner of my house, walking harnesses, even a van with a mechanical lift so it was easier to transport her around. I made the soccer team in 8th grade where I actually started to have friends and enjoy school and not feel left out and alone. I met my best Friend Danielle then too, who since then was always there for me and I for her… Through her that’s also when I met this girl (Ill just call her A) who I really liked. Not because she was super pretty or anything, but because I loved talking to her and felt like she understood me, the only person that did. Whenever I would talk to her and look into her eyes it felt like all the problems I dealt with day to day just disappeared. Around a month of knowing her I asked her out, and she said yes. Yeah we were only 14 but there hasn’t been anyone since that I cared that much for. And im one of those people that looks for long term things, not just something short. When I care for someone I care a lot and its hard to move on. We spent so much time together and I felt like I was in love with her. I spent more and more time with her, and less at home. It was hard for me but my parents told me it was okay, and I believed them. Despite the hospital visits and everything Karin was doing better, and I didn’t feel guilty. Then High School came around, where I tried out for the soccer team and didn’t make varsity because of my height, but instead made the JV team. At first I was so disappointed, but soon enough I met loads of people from it, while still spending loads of time with Karin and keeping a steady relationship with A. My one friend Mike that I met through soccer was a year older, and we became best friends instantly. He was one of the funniest and most interesting people I ever met. I loved spending time going to soccer just because he was there and we would have so much fun. Eventually I introduced him to A and the three of us became our own little group and would hang out every weekend, Mike even had a car being a year older and would drive us places and such. Spending so much time getting to know them and having so much fun, I could see me spending the rest of my life with A. I loved her. Between her and Karin, I felt like I was set for life. After soccer season ended in December we still hung out so often. My grades slipped a bit because of everything, but my parents understood. They were okay with it. Things continued until January, when the day before my birthday which I knew secretly, A wanted to take me out for dinner, and Mike drove. They picked me up around 6:30 and said to get dressed, which I did. We left at 6:45. On the way to the restaurant, what happened according to witnesses was that someone cut us off, the car lost control and slammed into a tree. I don’t remember the minutes before it happened. He died on impact. A and I in the back only got concussions and memory loss. All I see in my head is him motionless, dead and bloody. That’s all I saw. I refused to go to school for a week. I refused to talk or even see A, because all I saw was him dead whenever I thought of her. With all the time I spend with him and how he felt like a brother to me, I couldn’t bring myself to talk to her or even see her. I changed completely. I felt like I was the cause of my best friend’s death. It wouldn’t have happened if we didn’t go out for my birthday. I felt like I wanted to die. When I finally went back to school, all of a sudden people that clearly didn’t take the time or care enough before it wanted to comfort me, which I hated. I hate being the source of pity. I turned everyone away. I even broke up with A, because all I saw was him when I was with her or anything involving her. I was so depressed. I was diagnosed with depression, and eventually social anxiety because I stayed at home so much. I saw a psychiatrist and I found them to be completely useless and that they didn’t understand, and pretended like I was fine. That was when I first started cutting to help myself feel relief. It was the only thing that provided that. I missed nearly 1/3 of High school just because I wanted to stay home. I turned all my attention to Karin and would spend every moment I could with her. I did everything in my power to keep her healthy, and she ended up in the hospital multiple times, one where she had sepsis and fought for her life, and eventually got a fungal infection in her lungs and was forced to get a tracheostomy. Not only now could she not eat on her own, but she couldn’t even breathe normally. She was on mechanical breathing at night, and the fact that the hospital nurses didn’t help enough and she kept relapsing, for 4 days straight running off of caffeine and 5 hour energies I stayed awake, catching every mistake they made. We were able to leave the fourth day because she was healthy enough, thank god. Since then things changed. We needed nurses at night to watch her, and the stories that I have from the uselessness and stupid things they’ve done outnumbers anything I’ve ever seen. However the nursing was only a night or two a week, so my mom and I took shifts during the night to make sure she was okay…. Then on the 24th of April this year at 3:24 in the morning, my sister stopped breathing in her sleep. My mom screamed for help. We gave her cpr for 15 minutes until help arrived. She didn’t come back. The EMTs used shocks to bring try and bring her back. I felt like I was going to die. Like there was nothing left. 20 Minutes she was technically dead, when she came back. It was a miracle. The cameras in my house still have that footage. It was the second worse moment of my life. The fear of her dying without me has haunted me since. I got a full soccer scholarship to UBuffalo and nearly a full ride to Binghampton, but I couldn’t go. Living with the fear of the unknown, not knowing when or what will happen, I couldn’t do it. Instead I go to college 10 minutes from home. Ever since the start of college ive gone home every weekend and met people that for once, im not afraid of being myself around. Ive tried to not be the same kid I was in high school, although its been hard. I really don’t want to go into all the stuff that has happened to me since, although I stopped cutting 3 days ago now. Boy its hard. That’s me, that’s my story. Only one person in my life knows this all, and for some reason it feels easier and better to post it online to some website. I cant explain it. Maybe you people will understand. If anyone ever needs to talk, I’m here for you. Ill understand even if you think no one else will.